1-800-ZAPP-ASS: Bayard & Holmes Spark Up Politics

By Author Piper Bayard & Intelligence Operative Holmes

Are you feeling abused by your political system? Disgusted by the candidates? Ready to shoot your TV when Super PAC commercials start their incessant droning? Fear not! Bayard & Holmes stand ever prepared to turn your problems into our opportunities.

We are proud and excited to bring you our latest ingenious program calculated to lower your stress and increase your happiness. We call it 1-800-ZAPP-ASS. Here’s how it works. . . .

For a meager donation of $1.99, you can dial or text 1-800-ZAPP-ASS and deliver an electric shock to the Political Offender of your choice—congressmen, elected officials (no Executive Privilege applies), or a fervent, annoying, neighborhood political party radical. You can even use this device to zapp some sense into political phone solicitors, or those college kids still young enough to know everything who come to our doors, clipboard in hand, and tell us how misguided we are in our political views.

All proceeds will be placed in a special fund to assist the growing numbers of unemployed people and their hungry families who are so desperate for work they are now studying Mandarin or Phillipino in the hopes they will be re-hired for their own outsourced jobs some day.

Sound amazing? But wait! There’s more!

The top 12 most-zapped Political Offenders will win all expense paid vacations to Camp Cheerful Summer Camp for Adults in the beautiful blue Caribbean on the coast of Cuba.


Our highly trained Happiness Specialists will be waiting for your favorite Political Offenders with a very special fun activity designed just for them. We call it Politicalboarding.

With Politicalboarding, the Political Offenders are restrained in a room together where they are subjected to each other’s company. Then, they sit through 72 non-stop, fun-filled hours of their own recorded speeches, only interrupted by diaper changes and Super PAC commercials for presidential candidates.

No worries! This is nothing like waterboarding. In fact, Political Offenders at Camp Cheerful aren’t even given water.

At the end of the 72 hours they will be treated to a sumptuous banquet of a health-enhancing whole wheat bread crust and a draught from the local sacred spring of Baca Podrida (translation “Rotting Cow”).

After their meal, the Political Offenders will be strapped to chairs and turned upside down in a dunking booth. Then, since Baseball is not only our religion but the All-American Sport, major league hopefuls will practice their throws. Just so you know, this isn’t waterboarding, either. It’s Strategic Dunking.

Text, phone, tweet, email, or FaceBook now and contribute your $1.99 to sparking up this year’s political campaign and helping your fellow Americans survive. God knows our politicians aren’t doing it.

card available from zazzle.com

If you would like to suggest anyone to receive a shocking wake up from 1-800-ZAPP-ASS, please feel free to do so below. However, in the interests of delicacy and the fact that social media platforms take years to build and can be destroyed in seconds, please only refer to your Political Offenders by clean and clever code names.

Now, now! No crowding, and no personal attacks on each other in the Comments Section. We’ll leave that sort of unethical, unprofessional behavior to the politicians.

Piper Bayard—The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes—Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points

26 comments on “1-800-ZAPP-ASS: Bayard & Holmes Spark Up Politics

  1. mliddle says:

    I smiled & chuckled during the whole time I read this! You are brilliant! Thanks for making my day begin with some laughter in my belly! 😀
    I would like to make several donations to one person. I am sure I could do several people. However, because I am on a fixed income due to downsizing I thought, “Do I want to make a profound impact on one person or a smaller number of zaps on more people?” The BIG IMPACT is what I would like, Piper. So for 20 zaps @ $1.99 each = $39.80. And This goes to: William O’Smilely! I hope you have a shocking good time! I will miss you on t.v!


  2. Julie Glover says:

    This is awesome. I do have the fortune not to live in a “swing state.” (I feel for you people.) I will be making my Zapp list today!

    My recent question has been how to stop the slick ad mailers that appear in my mailbox every day. If politicians had pooled that money instead of using it to print postcards that residents toss in the garbage, perhaps we could use those funds to replace the looming budget cuts to the military. I’m pretty sure that the cost of what’s come to my mailbox alone this election season could have financed a bomber or two.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      An excellent point, Julie. Junk mail, especially in election years, is an abomination. The worst is the modern technique of targeted propaganda based on things they shouldn’t know. For example, in the past months, I’ve been bombarded by Democratic Obamacare propaganda targeting me because I am a female cancer survivor. “Like you, I am a woman who has survived cancer, and I know the importance of….Blady, blady, blah.” Trying to pump me up over the utopian attributes of Obamacare. My medical history is none of their flaming business, and to target me based on my gender and my medical history? How insulting is that?

      Okay. I’m done now. Clearly, I’m with you!

  3. susielindau says:

    Love this App! And only $1.99??? Wow. What a deal!

  4. August McLaughlin says:

    Totally could come in handy. LOL Thanks for the laugh, Piper!

  5. Go Jules Go says:

    $1.99 – that’s a steal! LOL, and I’m so glad you brought up Camp Cheerful Summer Camp for Adults again; I think that’s one of my favorite posts! 🙂

  6. tomwisk says:

    Have three nominees code named Mitten the Kitten, Alleged Muslim and Big Fat Four Eyed Blowhard. The check is on the way $1.99 per.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Those are some excellent zapp-ees, and we will look forward to being their cruise directors at Camp Cheerful because I’m sure they will be in the top twelve. In fact, our Happiness Specialists went from *giggles & smiles* to *$*** eating grins* when I told them about your selections. Thank you, Tom.

  7. Ma’am, YOU are an inspired individual and a TRUE AMERICAN. Congratulations! I’m FB’g this.

  8. Since you guys are political experts, please explain to me how polltakers all know when I sit down to eat. It’s uncanny.

    Our esteemed Lawyer-in-Chief, has been down here in Texas telling us voters don’t have to be identified, so I’m emailing you a cashiers check for $1.99 for his ticket to camp.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      They have a gift, don’t they? Thank you for your kind donation to your fellow Americans. You should soon be able to see the smoke from your house. 🙂

  9. Ha! If only…. Gives me something to wish for. 😀

  10. Great one, Piper!

    $1.99, huh. This leaves me with a problem. There are a few people I’d like to nominate, but my credit card only has a $100k maximum. Any chance of a bulk discount system? Or perhaps you could do a double-the-voltage offer for only a dollar more?


  11. Andrew says:

    I’d donate but I’m an unemployed graduate who is evidently unemployable (at least until school starts and I play babysitter when this county’s teacher’s are sick, and until I get my certification to be one of said teachers). Maybe I should brush up on my Hindi to see if I can’t get a call service job in India…my (2nd, 3rd…4th? My family is confusing) cousin knows Hindi so maybe she could give me some tips 😀

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