The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Free Sex after 9th Car Wash

When a Car Wash mated with a Massage Parlor in Malaysia, they gave birth to a new Customer Loyalty Rewards Program.

I think the women getting their cars washed only got toasters.

image by MarkScottAustinTX

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order 

I’m a big fan of George Takei, known to many as Sulu from Star Trek. On 9/11, he published a post he wrote on the day after the original 9/11. Reflect

Diana Beebe contemplates the ethics of eugenics and the notion that we are morally obligated to screen babies for “imperfections.” Welcome to Gattaca

A great post by Jon Acuff on what it takes to make it, whatever “it” may be. Miley Cyrus was Wrong

I’m currently reading Duplicity, a military/romantic suspense by International Best Selling Author Vicki Hinze. Really enjoying this book!

Why is it that Chris Brown can beat the crap out of Rihanna and still be popular while Kristen Stewart is tanked over an extra-marital fling? Ellie Ann has solved this mystery. How I Relate to Kristen Stewart

The vote is open in Heather Konik’s Prawn & Quartered Hunger Games! I have nominated River Tam from Firefly/Serenity as the super hero who could kick ass on all the rest. She can kill you with her mind, and no power in the Verse can stop her! Take a moment to exercise your freedoms and vote. 🙂

Girls. They’re not just scary for boys, they’re scary for parents, too. A Conversation about When Baby Girls Become Teenage Girls by Jenny Hansen at More Cowbell.

I am a hard core moderate, and there are few politicians anywhere on the planet who can make me smile, but this one did. This young man is an enterprising fellow from the Bronx. He didn’t have any money for his campaign so he made this YouTube video spoof of Call Me Maybe. I admire and appreciate his moxie. Too bad he didn’t win his primary, but I hope he doesn’t stop there.

And now for our campaign Poll Daddy question of the week.

All the best to all of you for a week of keeping it clean.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

1-800-ZAPP-ASS: Bayard & Holmes Spark Up Politics

By Author Piper Bayard & Intelligence Operative Holmes

Are you feeling abused by your political system? Disgusted by the candidates? Ready to shoot your TV when Super PAC commercials start their incessant droning? Fear not! Bayard & Holmes stand ever prepared to turn your problems into our opportunities.

We are proud and excited to bring you our latest ingenious program calculated to lower your stress and increase your happiness. We call it 1-800-ZAPP-ASS. Here’s how it works. . . .

For a meager donation of $1.99, you can dial or text 1-800-ZAPP-ASS and deliver an electric shock to the Political Offender of your choice—congressmen, elected officials (no Executive Privilege applies), or a fervent, annoying, neighborhood political party radical. You can even use this device to zapp some sense into political phone solicitors, or those college kids still young enough to know everything who come to our doors, clipboard in hand, and tell us how misguided we are in our political views.

All proceeds will be placed in a special fund to assist the growing numbers of unemployed people and their hungry families who are so desperate for work they are now studying Mandarin or Phillipino in the hopes they will be re-hired for their own outsourced jobs some day.

Sound amazing? But wait! There’s more!

The top 12 most-zapped Political Offenders will win all expense paid vacations to Camp Cheerful Summer Camp for Adults in the beautiful blue Caribbean on the coast of Cuba.

 

Our highly trained Happiness Specialists will be waiting for your favorite Political Offenders with a very special fun activity designed just for them. We call it Politicalboarding.

With Politicalboarding, the Political Offenders are restrained in a room together where they are subjected to each other’s company. Then, they sit through 72 non-stop, fun-filled hours of their own recorded speeches, only interrupted by diaper changes and Super PAC commercials for presidential candidates.

No worries! This is nothing like waterboarding. In fact, Political Offenders at Camp Cheerful aren’t even given water.

At the end of the 72 hours they will be treated to a sumptuous banquet of a health-enhancing whole wheat bread crust and a draught from the local sacred spring of Baca Podrida (translation “Rotting Cow”).

After their meal, the Political Offenders will be strapped to chairs and turned upside down in a dunking booth. Then, since Baseball is not only our religion but the All-American Sport, major league hopefuls will practice their throws. Just so you know, this isn’t waterboarding, either. It’s Strategic Dunking.

Text, phone, tweet, email, or FaceBook now and contribute your $1.99 to sparking up this year’s political campaign and helping your fellow Americans survive. God knows our politicians aren’t doing it.

card available from zazzle.com

If you would like to suggest anyone to receive a shocking wake up from 1-800-ZAPP-ASS, please feel free to do so below. However, in the interests of delicacy and the fact that social media platforms take years to build and can be destroyed in seconds, please only refer to your Political Offenders by clean and clever code names.

Now, now! No crowding, and no personal attacks on each other in the Comments Section. We’ll leave that sort of unethical, unprofessional behavior to the politicians.

Piper Bayard—The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes—Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points

It Made Us Laugh

Holmes blew through town last night, just in time to save me from this man-eating mountain lion.  What a great friend!

We were up late laughing so I persuaded him to slack off for the day. Instead of his matchless history lessons or sarcastic humor, I’m posting this amazingly predictable but fun video that made us laugh. Hope you enjoy it, too.

Would your grandmother do this type of experiment?

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes–Student of Sex, C4 & Hollow Points