Misbehaving Relatives? Spanking Santa to the Rescue!

Bayard & Holmes

~ Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

The most stressful time of the year is upon us. Long lines, visiting relatives, and credit card bills that give bankers a warm, fuzzy feeling in their wallets. But fear not! Bayard & Holmes Holiday Survival is here to help you navigate this cauldron of tension without beating anyone bloody with a turkey leg.

A spook and a belly dancer. Not us. Image from The Man with the Golden Gun.

We, a pragmatic author/belly dancer and a spook who solves most of life’s problems with sex, C4, or hollow points, are clearing our schedules so that we can assist you with your holiday survival questions. In fact, we’ve had a few pleas for assistance already.

Sarah Broogenstegler in Research Pod 3, Antarctica, sent us this desperate missive.

Dear Bayard & Holmes:

My husband, Clyde, and I love the Holidays. Unfortunately, six years ago, after a ten-year stint in Joliet Prison for a Ponzi scheme that bankrupted twelve hospitals, Clyde’s Uncle Harry started showing up uninvited on Christmas Day. We tried to be charitable the first year, but he drank all of our alcohol and mouthwash and fell in the punch bowl. It splashed on the Christmas lights and shorted them out. The ensuing fire nearly burned down the house.

Clyde is a pacifist and made me sell my .45 Colt automatic years ago. Rather than reintroduce firearms into our lifestyle to deal with Uncle Harry, we relocated to Antarctica. Last week, though, we got a radio message that Harry had somehow acquired our GPS coordinates and was hitching a ride with Greenpeace activists to get down here for Christmas.

I’m in tears! Please help!

Bayard & Holmes:

Dry your eyes, Sarah. We’re sending a bottle of Spanish sherry and our Little Holiday Helper to you at this very moment.

While the rest of the nation wasted summer days fretting over politics or battling squash bugs in their gardens, our talented staff here at Bayard & Holmes created a tactical solution to the Uncle Harrys of the world. Today, we proudly unveil the new Bayard & Holmes Spanking Santa* and His Band of Merry Elves.

Spanking Santa and his Band are hand-picked, highly trained Allied combat veterans whose specialty is conflict resolution, and they are here to serve you. When Harry rings the doorbell on Research Pod 3, our Spanking Santa Team will arrive moments later, fully armed with state-of-the art wooden paddles and ready to give Harry the Over-the-Knee Session of his life.

Image from Dept. of Defense

Yes, yes, we know . . . Harry was unarmed and you did let him in voluntarily. Not a problem! Santa’s Merry Elves are experienced federal witnesses. Once they’ve entertained the Judge with their sworn testimony as to how Harry threatened your lives—they heard it themselves—Harry will be carted off to spend the Holidays visiting his old friends in Joliet Prison.

It’s win/win for everyone. Harry finally gets the stable family life that he has always craved, and you get to laugh all night about how Santa “took him to the woodshed” like he’s always deserved.

On the same line, Charlie from the Shetland Islands asks . . .

What about my brother, Filbert? He loves being spanked and often pays pricey women in London to do that for him. Wouldn’t a visit from Spanking Santa just make him show up more often?”

Bayard & Holmes:

An excellent question, Charlie. Our Spanking Santa Teams are well trained to spot any “patients” who might be enjoying the medicine a little bit too much. For those tough cases, our Spanking Santa Teams are authorized and prepared to administer electroshock therapy. Let us know if Filbert likes that too much, too, and we’ll recruit him as a test subject at our laboratories.

Then there was this slightly awkward question from “Kelly” with no last name or return address . . .

Hey, can you send Santa over to spank me?

Bayard & Holmes:

Well, Kelly, we don’t know if you are male or female or some combination thereof, but we’re afraid that if you’ve been well-behaved and simply enjoy this sort of thing, you’ll have to convince your significant other to take care of that. We hope you have fun and remember to play safe. Use a Nerf paddle. We have some at a great low price.

What survival issues are you struggling with this Holiday season? Remember. No question is out-of-bounds, but some of our answers might be!

*Spanking Santa Teams come fully equipped for all contingencies. Video cameras and DVD copies sold separately.

1-800-ZAPP-ASS: Shocking Politicians into Shape!

Bayard & Holmes

~Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Are you feeling abused by your political system? Disgusted with your presidential candidates, congressmen, and their yes men? Ready to move to Central America to find some semblance of organized government?

Fear not! Bayard & Holmes stand ever prepared to turn your problems into our opportunities. We are proud and excited to bring you our latest ingenious program calculated to lower your stress and increase your happiness.

We call it 1-800-ZAPP-ASS. Here’s how it works. . . .

 

Actual photo of Political Offender hit by 1-800-ZAPP-ASS

Actual photo of Political Offender
hit by 1-800-ZAPP-ASS

 

For a meager donation of $1.99, you can dial or text 1-800-ZAPP-ASS and deliver an electric shock to the Political Offender of your choice—congressmen, elected officials (no Executive Privilege applies), presidential candidates, or a fervent, annoying, neighborhood political party radical. You can even use this device to zapp some sense into social media ranters, or those college kids still young enough to know everything who come to our doors, clipboard in hand, and tell us how misguided we are in our political views.

All proceeds will go toward the Bayard & Holmes Charitable Foundation, benefitting loyal Americans (us) who don’t support any politicians or their self-serving political agendas. The Bayard & Holmes Charitable Foundation will then use that money to promote their Matching Funds Campaign Funding Reform.

Under our proposed system, all contributions to political parties and/or candidates would require matching funding to reputable veterans’ charities such as USA Cares and the Special Operations Warrior Foundation. That way, instead of politicos SAYING they support veterans during campaign seasons to garner votes, they could actually DO it.

 

Lt. Col. Greg Gadson, who lost both legs in an IED attack in Iraq in 2007, shares a moment with fellow artilleryman, Capt. David Evetts, commander of Battery D, 1st Battalion, 77th Field Artillery Regiment, at the Ledward Theater, Sept. 29.

Lt. Col. Greg Gadson, who lost both legs in an IED attack in Iraq in 2007, shares a moment with fellow artilleryman, Capt. David Evetts, commander of Battery D, 1st Battalion, 77th Field Artillery Regiment, at the Ledward Theater, Sept. 29.

 

Sound amazing? But wait! There’s more!

The top 12 most-zapped Political Offenders will win all expense paid vacations to Camp Cheerful Summer Camp for Adults in the beautiful blue Caribbean on the coast of Cuba.

Our highly trained Happiness Specialists will be waiting for your favorite Political Offenders with a very special fun activity designed just for them. We call it Politicalboarding.

 

Camp Cheerful Happiness Specialists at Play Image by US Marine Corps, public domain

Camp Cheerful Happiness Specialists at Play
Image by US Marine Corps, public domain

 

With Politicalboarding, the Political Offenders are restrained in a room together where they are subjected to each other’s company.

Then, they sit through 72 non-stop, fun-filled hours of Ted Cruz filibustering, Bernie Sanders teaching how to make your own organic, biodegradable cleaning products, Hillary Clinton explaining away her alleged Espionage Act violations, and Donald Trump preening in a mirror. The only interruptions will be diaper changes and electric shocks when their eyelids droop. After that, the Political Offenders will be forced to stand at attention until they have memorized each one of the over 2,500,000 words in the Obamacare statutes and regulations.

No worries! This is nothing like waterboarding. In fact, Political Offenders at Camp Cheerful aren’t even given water.

Once they can recite Obamacare like a Baptist Circuit Preacher quoting the Holy Bible at a tent revival, the Political Offenders will be treated to a sumptuous banquet of gluten-packed, dairy-packed, sugar-loaded, freeze dried, GMO whole wheat bread crust and a draught from the local sacred spring of Baca Podrida (translation “Rotting Cow”).

After their meal, the Political Offenders will be strapped to chairs and turned upside down in a dunking booth. Then, since Baseball is not only our religion but the All-American Sport, major league hopefuls will practice their throws. Just so you know, this isn’t waterboarding, either. It’s Strategic Dunking.

 

A well-disguised C.C. Sabathia showing how it's done. Image by Tim Evanson, wikimedia commons.

A well-disguised C.C. Sabathia showing how it’s done.
Image by Tim Evanson, wikimedia commons.

 

Text, phone, tweet, email, or FaceBook now and contribute your $1.99 to zapp politicians into action. Let’s remind these self-serving bozos who exempt themselves from everything from NSA spying to Obamacare that we have a special interest, too. We call it “America.”

 

 

The Hail Mary Hoo-Hah

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Celebrity “wardrobe malfunctions” are appearing in the media with increasing regularity. We’ve noticed these malfunctions seem to occur when a celebrity’s ratings are slipping, and they don’t just involve the accidental torn dress, broken heel, or ripped pants that the rest of us deal with now and then. Oh, no! They’re all about the privates. Veritable Hail Mary Hoo-Hahs.

Would put picture here,

but we are PG-13.

Use your imagination

or Google Images.

It’s amazing how a perfectly good dress or pair of pants manages to reveal booties, nipples, or genitalia when a camera crew is at just the right angle to capture the moment. Naturally, none of these photographers happen to work for editors with the slightest bit of class, and the illicit shots quickly end up online and in the scandal sheets. With a little luck for the celebrities, their personals even get mentioned on major news outlets. And voilá! One breast in the wind gets more publicity than anything these declining celebrities (Anne Hathaway excepted) could pay for.

We would hate to accuse these celebrities of feigning wardrobe malfunctions for well-prepared camera crews. After all, it’s not our style to try to bring attention to ourselves at the expense of those who are no longer what they used to be. Nonetheless, in the interest of fair and honest commentary, a few obvious questions come to mind.

Do these wardrobe malfunctions work? Does the extra publicity translate to financial rewards? And, more critically, how can we profit from this?

As our regular readers are well aware, we here at Bayard & Holmes like to live up to our motto, “Your Problems are Our Opportunities.” In keeping with our ongoing efforts to save society from itself—or at least profit by it while failing—we are proud to announce the Bayard & Holmes Premium Wardrobe Malfunction Concierge Service.

Celebrities In Need of Career Rehab, our message here today is for you. You no longer need to struggle with transparently staged “accidents” which only serve to highlight your staggering careers. By taking advantage of the Bayard & Holmes Premium Wardrobe Malfunction Concierge Service, you will get that ever critical upsurge in attention without having what’s left of your reputation dragged through unfashionable media gutters.

For a remarkably small fee, our highly trained Celebrity Assistance Team (CAT) will arrange a malfunction that will have your fans raving. Producers will be banging at your door again, begging you to read for the best parts. While other stars are making themselves look pathetic with some low-budget “panty shot,” you’ll be grabbing headlines without even having to bribe the networks!

Here’s how it works. CAT will show up at your home and rehearse your custom-designed celebrity misfortune with you. At the appointed time in front of major media news crews, CAT agents will spring forward and tear your clothing from your body while shrieking al-Qaeda slogans. You and the twenty girl scouts that we hired for the event will all scream in shock and indignation. After pretending to slap you to the ground—you’ll need to act out the fall so start practicing—our CAT agents will beat a quick escape.

Our contracted physician actor, who once played a janitor on Scrubs, will loudly document that you suffered injuries in the assault, and that you are “under a doctor’s care.”  A professional CAT rental family will then hold a press conference and ask the public for its prayers for your full recovery.

Rather than wasting time in medical treatment, you’ll actually be enjoying a few days under the care of your favorite sex consultant. Then, at just the right moment, our staff will transport you to the back door of a hospital where your agent and a well-trained faux family will escort you out the front door to be cheered by adoring and relieved fans.

What’s that you say? You have no fans left? They all abandoned you after your last DUI or domestic violence incident? Not a problem. For a modest additional fee, we can pack that hospital parking lot with adoring fans from the most fervent European soccer riots. An image of you shyly (and unsuccessfully) covering your face with a white veil to defend your privacy from those savage paparazzi will be plastered all over news outlets. A Pope, a British Prime Minister, and Justin Bieber could all die in a flaming train wreck the same day, and they STILL wouldn’t steal the limelight from your precious parts. Imagine the raging jealousy that less fashionable celebrities will feel when they see their cheap wardrobe malfunctions shoved off the stage by your public near-rape and pillage.

YOUR FANS

YOUR FANS

Don’t humiliate yourself with some poorly staged Hail Mary Hoo-Hah. After all, nothing says “has been” louder than a low-grade mishap. Don’t waste any more valuable minutes as the clock ticks down on your fading glory. Call Bayard & Holmes and ask for a quote from our very busy customer service representatives at our Premium Wardrobe Malfunction Concierge Service.

Call now and receive an extra ten screaming girl scouts at no extra charge. You deserve to be the center of the world’s attention. Don’t be left out. This offer is for a limited time only.

Get that career revived before it’s too late. Operators are standing by.

Disney World Elitists? Send Them to Camp Adios Pendejo!

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

This past week, Piper noticed a scandal at, of all places, Disney World. Supposedly, a social researcher uncovered an underground concierge service that hooks up wealthy Manhattan Moms with disabled people to accompany them on their family trips to world famous theme park. Once there, the “upper crust” mothers claim these disabled people are part of their families so they can skip to the very front of the lines.

Walt Disney World image by Krismast, wikimedia commons

Walt Disney World
image by Krismast, wikimedia commons

Our initial investigation into this scandal reveals that many reporters writing about it are assuming that this “rent a disabled person” scheme is accepted practice among wealthy New Yorkers. Even to not-wealthy working class Joes like us, this assumption seems to defy human nature and the history of New York.

For one thing, New York’s elite don’t need to hire a disabled person to cut to the front of a line. Disney sells VIP tours to wealthy families from anywhere, providing backstage access and all-day escorts. The “VIPs” already bypass the lines, and the “disabled guides” don’t come with the backstage passes. The cost difference to those people who happen to be morally impoverished enough to stage the deception would not justify the loss in privilege. And besides, why not just rent a wheelchair for the day and have one of their own family ride in it?

While we can’t be certain how many actual cases of “sleazy, rich parents at Disney” are occurring, we know that some people would probably do this dastardly deed just to boost their own feelings of clever superiority over the unwashed masses. We here at Bayard & Holmes, ever alert to chances to turn your problems into our opportunities, feel that, while these integrity-challenged souls are not suited for being around thousands of innocent children at Disney, they should not be excluded from summer fun.

Therefore, we tasked our legions of Bayard & Holmes Vacation and Entertainment Specialists (us) with expanding our own theme park services beyond our Happy Camper Programs at Camp Cheerful on Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. We have acquired a top secret Pacific Ocean Test Range in the lovely Marshall Islands and established our new Camp Adios Pendejo, designed to provide your most despised elitists with satisfying alternatives to a Disney experience.

Our enthusiastic Happiness Technicians, recruited from among retired phone solicitors, bill collectors, and graduates of our special Depraved Congressmen Rehabilitation programs at Camp Cheerful, will greet our over-entitled guests upon their arrival with their special vacation fun suits.

Actual Photo of Camp Adios Pendejo Vacationers image from Library of Congress, public domain

Actual Photo of Camp Adios Pendejo Vacationers
image from Library of Congress, public domain

Then they will march escort our reprehensible visitors to our outstanding dining facilities where our nutritional experts devise new recipes that immerse them in a cultural experience their taste buds will remember for a lifetime. What our retired prison chefs can do with a few scorpions and sulfide is the stuff of legend.

And every theme park needs exciting rides. You’ve heard of the famous Pirates of the Caribbean Disney Ride? Hah! Our vacationers get a vastly superior experience on our thrilling Pirates of Somalia Ride. Our special guests—and we consider all of our guests to be special—will paddle their canoes through a shockingly realistic gauntlet of Somali Pirates as those wild and crazy seamen pretend to attempt to mutilate them. The screams of laughter will be heard for miles!

Those who survive will then be treated to our luxurious paddle wheel cruiser, dubbed the Endless Nightmare by our previous guests. The heartless bastards cheerful vacationers will delight in the the glowing walls of the water caves carved out by the nuclear testing as they are auto-piloted past smiling youngsters from the Al-Qaeda Youth Brigade, who will serenade them with a charming rendition of It’s a Short Life After All while firing thrillingly realistic Chinese assault rifles at the boat.

Campers will finish off their day with a special treat! Unlike the Parachute Rides you find at third rate state fair carnivals, we provide our first class guests with a special Bayard & Holmes My Chute Didn’t Open Drop into shark infested waters. Our dedicated camera crew will be waiting in a boat to snap vacation photos of these morally indigent creatures using their best swimming skills to evade those fun-loving reef sharks.

We are sure many of you readers know deserving folks who could use the restorative, rehabilitating qualities of our Happy Camper Programs. Please nominate the person you feel most deserves a long vacation at our exclusive facilities. Tell us why they should skip the lines and crowds at Disney for the far more elite experience of Camp Adios Pendejo. We’ll do our best to get them a scholarship discount for a summer of fun that they’ll remember for the rest of their lives—all twenty minutes of them. It will be so much fun, they might never get home.

Breaking News: US Government WMD Scandal!

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Sadly, as the world focused on WMD threats from North Korea, Bayard & Holmes uncovered information about a shocking WMD program right here in the US. On April 1, 2013, unnamed sources tipped us off to a brewing scandal in Washington D.C. that will make Watergate seem like a playground squabble. With hints at the program airing in the media, we feel it is now ethically acceptable to share the story with you.

image public domain

image public domain

In 2009, when North Korea successfully detonated a nuclear weapon in violation of aid agreements with the US and the international community, US President Barack Obama summoned the DOE, DOD, and CIA to the White House for a secret meeting to discuss strategies to remove North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il from power. Within weeks, those agencies agreed to a new WMD program to be funded and developed under DOE management and deployed against North Korea.

You may have noticed a seemingly unrelated, but surprisingly critical, news story developing in New Jersey this past week. Yes, New Jersey. That state so famous for organized crime and illegal toxic waste activities. As the Rutgers University basketball coach disgrace unfolds, the general public is expressing the opinion that something smells rotten in Newark. For those of you who have not followed the story, Rutgers University fired Basketball Coach Mike Rice last week after video footage of him repeatedly abusing Rutgers student athletes went viral.

Some of the drama at Rutgers can’t be explained by the information that has thus far come out of university administrators. For one thing, Rice was hired in . . . you guessed it . . . 2010, just as the DOE and DOD were ramping up development of the newly authorized WMD system.

On the surface, we could dismiss this as meaningless coincidence. But the biggest problem with university administrators’ statements is the fact that we now have confirmation that they knew about Rice’s anger issues for two years. No renowned institution of learning could possibly accept and cover up a continuing series of felonies committed against their students for two years, right? If only the tragedy were that limited in scope.

Unfortunately, a deeper, more terrifying explanation is surfacing. In 2009, President Obama requested from the CIA a detailed personality analysis of then North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Il. Within an hour, that agency delivered a report explaining that Kim Jong Il had too few functioning brain cells to warrant a personality profile.

That bit of information struck a chord with President Obama. When he thought back to his carefree high school days in Hawaii, he remembered his basketball games. He recalled how his athletically challenged pal, Wally Waltzenzanger, seemed to lose more and more brain cells each time he suffered another “basketball to the head” injury on the court. By the end of the summer, in spite of Wally’s passion for basketball, Obama and his friends refused to allow Wally in any more of their games for fear that he would lose his life with one more blow to the head. As conciliation, they insisted that Wally play the role of “journalist” and write up the games for the high school newspaper. Wally’s pieces lacked any realism or accuracy, so they never made it to the high school press. Eventually, Wally pursued a brilliant career with the Washington Post, but that’s a catastrophic story for another day.

Thanks to the president’s creative thinking, Wally’s pain and humiliation were not wasted. Obama reasoned that, given Kim Jong Il’s scarcity of functioning brain cells and his obvious state of delusion, one good, old-fashioned American “basketball to the head” attack might finish him off, opening the way to a younger, less delusional North Korean leader. Given the president’s reasonable intentions, we can understand why he authorized the development of the Weapon of Mass Delusion program.

When the DOE brought its $13 million cost estimate to the president it seemed like a dream come true. Obama did the mental math and calculated that even with the routine 300% cost over-runs, the DOE could deliver a highly lethal Weapon of Mass Delusion for the staggeringly low cost of $39 million dollars. What other WMD could the US produce in two years at that price?

When Kim Jong Il died in December of 2011, everyone involved in the new WMD project agreed that it should go forward. By then, a promising agent was training to deliver expert, close range head shots with a basketball. And here is where the story gets dirtier still. To ensure a high enough level of rage and recklessness, project directors increased the dosages in the cocaine and meth injections they were secretly administering a particular agent-in-training.

When former NBA bad boy Dennis Rodman popped up in North Korea, sage intelligence analysts and journalists wondered what could possibly be afoot. How could anyone reasonably explain such strange birds flocking together in the middle of a brewing international nuclear crisis?

Dennis Rodman, WMD Projectimage by Tuomas Venhola, wikimedia commons

Dennis Rodman, WMD Project
image by Tuomas Venhola, wikimedia commons

Random lunacy? No, indeed. Our sources tell us Dennis was on a scouting mission, laying the ground work for the CIA to get a certain volatile college basketball coach close enough to Kim Jong Un for one last good shot to Un’s massive, low-functioning head.

So far, the White House, the CIA, the DOD and the DEA have all refused to respond to our questions about this developing scandal. The DHS, with its typical over-reaching style, even claimed that we are the mad ones, and that we should seek psychiatric help. In our experience, we can safely interpret such outright denials from multiple government agencies as confirmation that the rumors in question are true. Remember the old Soviet “mental hospital” trick for silencing voices of dissent? Be aware, America!

Now that the project is coming to light, it is doubtful that any branch of the US military will obtain funding from Congress for this horrific weapon. Some on Capitol Hill are rightfully worried that the DHS will hoard large numbers of this WMD if development continues. As to that, DHS Director Janet Napolitano thus far has not commented. Will Congress muster the sense and courage to call her in to committee to testify? We hope so. We can’t imagine any other way to force her to show a modicum of respect for our democratic process.

The dreadful moral and ethical implications of such a lethal WMD program are obvious. We will do our best to remain at large and keep you informed about this crisis.

Snowquester – Magic Bullet for World Peace

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

Last week, Washington, D.C. shut down due to a threat. No, not a terrorist threat. The threat of snow.

Frosty disappointedimage by Square87, wikimedia commons

Frosty disappointed
image by Square87, wikimedia commons

A snow storm predicted to drop 5” – 10” of Frosty’s essence was moving into the area. In the end, Frosty was disappointed with an inconvenient slush. However, Bayard & Holmes, ever on the alert for original ways to make our world a better place, noticed that for a day, things were looking up for our country. For a whole day, the same government that brings us fat-cat banker relief acts, TSA gropes, warrantless searches of American citizens on our highways, and increasingly more hostile political, racial, and religious division actually did no harm to the nation.

In light of that remarkable event, Bayard & Holmes has founded the First Do No Harm Foundation for World Peace. We are currently accepting donations for the purpose of purchasing snow making machines and stationing them at strategic locations around Washington, D.C. Every time the children aren’t playing well together, we will turn on the snow makers to shut them down and give them a cooling off period. Sort of a Congressional Time Out.

But why stop there? We have already contacted the Defense Department about re-fitting retired B-52 and B-1 bombers with snow making equipment that would allow them to carry this peaceful mission to other parts of the world.

What’s that, Kim Jong Un? You say you’re going to send nukes south of the border? One Snowmageddon coming right up. Old Kimy Boy will be enjoying a week of relaxation while he roasts marshmallows in one of his deep underground bunkers. From what we see of Kim ther’s no shortage of snack food in North Korean bunkers.

What’s that, Iran? You want to become the sole Islamic Caliphate and bury the West? Looks like you’re the one buried now. Just to help the Iranian regime enjoy the snow from heaven we’ll sell them some curly toed snow-shoes. And Hugo Chavez? No worries about him. He’s finding out Hell didn’t really freeze over when he was elected president of Venezuela.  Should his replacement thug become too annoying and start financing Colombian terrorists again Caracas residents would be treated to their first snow storm since the last ice age.

This is win/win all the way around. Aging snow bunny pacifists will have delightful new adventure tourism destinations for winter fun all year round, and the military can give the tantruming toddlers of the world the discipline they need. And the best part? Americans will have a training tool to use on our nation’s leaders. Who knows? Maybe we’ll luck out, and Congress will throw a Donner Party. There’s more than one way to trim the fat in DC.

More Groping, Less Education, and a Fire Tzar. Where Will the Sequestering End?

By Piper Bayard

Just released! Holmes and I used our special connections (a telephone call to each other for a snark session) to uncover the White House plans for dealing with the new $85 billion budget cuts. This is what we discovered.

image from wikimedia, public domain

image from wikimedia, public domain

The TSA has drafted a new, more cost-effective security procedure. Instead of TSA agents conducting pat-downs at airport security, the TSA now asks that passengers please grope the person in the security line immediately behind them before they board any planes. If anyone has religious or common sense objections to that procedure, they will instead be allowed to grope themselves, but only if a TSA agent is watching.

In light of education cuts, education in America will now be Pay Per View through Amazon. Since my teens assure me that fifty percent of their classmates only show up at school to do their drug deals and practice sex ed techniques in dark library corners, this should reduce education expenses by fifty percent. It will also have the complimentary effect of reducing local police budgets, as our officers will no longer be called on to arrest 5-yr-olds who threaten to shoot bubbles at their classmates.

To address the impending nationwide reduction of firefighters, President Obama today signed 52 executive orders banning lighters, matches, and Beyoncé videos. He also appointed a cattle woman from Chicago named Mrs. O’Leary as his new Fire Tzar to establish yet another over-paid bureaucracy devoted to studying the source of fire violence.

Holmes and I, shocked and awed by this approach to governmental thrift, have already drafted a letter to Congress proposing that America recoup that $85 billion cut by discontinuing the tens of billions we give in foreign aid to countries that hate us and harbor people who try to kill us. We would also downsize Michelle Obama’s lavish, non-stop, taxpayer-funded vacation to two weeks a year, which is what the few taxpayers left in America have to enjoy. We would suggest that, like America’s shrinking middle class, Michelle spend that two weeks cleaning out the basement and having a garage sale, but since we taxpayers own her furniture and china, we don’t want to give her that idea.

What are your thrifty suggestions for trimming our expenses?

A Time to Receipt

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

An engaged couple in Anderson County, South Carolina made a purchase at Walmart. Three days later, they saw the face of Jesus in their receipt.

After consulting with internationally renowned apparition experts (us) and experiencing years of low-quality receipts which retain everything except the original ink with which they are printed, we here at Bayard and Holmes recognize this Walmart apparition as the same one that appeared on the famous Cheesus grilled cheese sandwich.

Grilled Cheesus yahoo shopping

image of Grilled Cheesus from Yahoo! Shopping

It is our conclusion that Walmart used a Grilled Cheesus to imprint this receipt with the face of a thirty-something, Middle Eastern Jewish man named Shlomo to lure more customers through the door in the hope that they, too, will receive a Made in China miracle.

Don’t fall for this cheap imitation!

We here at Bayard & Holmes have the highest quality genuine apparitions on the market today. In fact, with our receipts, you aren’t limited to just Jesus, and you aren’t limited to just one.

While it’s true that we currently have no products on the market, we would never let a little thing like that keep us from serving you, our beloved readers. Send us your money in any amount large enough to cover our inconsequential substantial overhead, and we will send you a genuine Bayard & Holmes receipt fit for any home shrine or church reliquary.

Upon your first purchase, you will receive a receipt divinely imprinted with the face of the Virgin Mary. No heavyweight boxer grills here!

Your second purchase will come with a receipt bearing the apparition of the face of Jesus in the race of your choice. (Western European Jesus apparition available for Protestants and Mormons.)

With your third purchase . . . Hold on . . . We send you a receipt with both Mary and Jesus in either the Madonna or the Pieta pose, along with a genuine Bayard & Holmes Certificate of Authentication signed by the priests of our order, the New York Yankees–assuming they don’t notice what they are signing.)

But that’s not all!

With every donation purchase over $5k, you will also receive a complimentary receipt that includes the possibility of a miracle, and a holographic apparition of The Last Supper by Leonardo Da Vinci of The Da Vinci Code fame.

The Last Supper Leonardo Da Vinci

The Last Supper by Leonardo Da Vinci

Just think. Who else but Bayard & Holmes could get you this close to all 12 apostles and Jesus simultaneously for a mere $5k? Why, Walmart and most churches would charge you at least $50k and a lifetime of troublesome rules for this prize.

Lest Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, Atheists,* or any other religious denominations feel left out, you are welcome to substitute your prophet or your favorite sports player for the image of Jesus. We do, however, offer our apologies to Muslims. We will not be able to produce receipts with the image of your prophet, as we do not fancy living out our lives in a federal protective service. You may, however, request the image of your favorite soccer player or political protestor.

So remember, dear readers, when you’re in need of a miracle, think Bayard & Holmes for all of your apparition needs. Bayard & Holmes–because there’s a time to give (to us), and a time to receipt (to you).

*First 500 Atheist donors receive a complimentary genuine faux dinosaur bone relic.

Post-Apocalyptic Management Services

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

There’s been much ado made about the end of the Mayans’ 13th b’ak’tun this Friday. The Mayans, themselves, are a bit baffled as to why the Western world is making such a fuss about it. All it means to them is that they flip their calendar back to the Mayan b’ak’tun equivalent of January.

Mayan zodiac circle wikimedia

image from wikimedia commons

However, Wikileaks has recently pilfered some highly classified documents that indicate Hugo Chavez is stocking up on Kool-Aid. We think that, if the internationally acknowledged Ass of the Apocalypse is in preparation for the end of the world, perhaps we should be asking a few questions.

For example, how well do we really know these Mayans? About the only thing we do know about them for sure is that they Occupied their own Wall Street with a Tea Party until they had no civilization left. They’ve already had their apocalypse so failing to predict the end of our world would not be their first mistake. What if they are wrong, and the apocalypse really is coming at the end of their 13th b’ak’tun?

With the risk of an unpredicted Armageddon looming on the horizon, planning can be a bit overwhelming and uncertain. What do I need to do first? What should I wear? How do I secure the best possible post-apocalyptic future for my family?

Not to worry. Bayard & Holmes are here to help you rest easy, so to speak. Our Celestial Aftercare Services Division offers a full range of Five Star Post-Apocalypse Services and Products to help you make sure you’re not left out of the good life in the afterlife.

One of your highest priorities will be to present the most admirable image to the afterlife administrators of your personal religious preference. Whether you’re impressing St. Peter to get through the Pearly Gates or Charon to ferry you to the Elysian Fields, one thing is certain.  The last thing you want to do is show up on the big day with all sorts of material wealth to explain.

 Charon and Psyche by John Roddam Spencer Stanhope

All that earthly junk is of no use to you after the Apocalypse, and probably not all that useful to you now, so you’ll want to safely dispose of that embarrassing material wealth before the big day. We’re happy to help you polish up your image by removing that wealth to our auction warehouse a safe location, far away from you and your reputation in time for Judgment Day.

Some of our more pragmatic readers may be asking “What if the Mayans were right? What if the end of the b’ak’tun only means you reset the calendar, and the universe continues as usual?”

Not a problem. With our vast experience in Celestial Aftercare Services, we’re ready for this eventuality. In the event that there is no apocalypse, we’ll refund your wealth, minus a modest storage fee.

With your problem of material wealth resolved, your next priority is arranging for a happy post-apocalyptic social life. What sort of souls will you be flying with in the afterlife? Will their music be too loud? Will their jokes go stale after a few millenniums? What if they pick their teeth with their pocketknives or blow their noses onto the sidewalk? Do you want to spend eternity surrounded by under socialized celestial masses? Of course not.

Fortunately, as a Bayard and Holmes Celestial Aftercare Customer, for a small handling fee, you’ll be entitled to free social screening for your entire family. All you have to do is fill out a brief nine hundred question survey to determine the most compatible social contacts for you in the afterlife. Eternity is a long, long time. Why risk spending it with insufferable idiots?

And what about entertainment? Will you be able to get box seats at your favorite celestial sporting events? Will you get stuck sitting in the 14,782nd row of the Heavenly Opera House trying to hear Caruso sing your favorite Italian opera? Or worse yet, will you be diverted to the German opera house to listen to Wagner for agonizing centuries while you wait for an intermission? And what about restaurants? Will you get a decent table for steak and lobster, or will you be forced to catch a salty, mystery meat burrito at a food cart?

Mystery Burrito Tubezone wikimedia

image by Tubezone, wikimedia commons

For an inconsequential additional fee, you can receive a Bayard and Holmes VIP Gold Membership Card, which will entitle you to red carpet services wherever you go in the afterlife. Without proper planning heaven can start feeling like hell. Don’t risk it! You deserve the finest services and accommodations, and we’re here to make sure you get them.

Contact us now to prepare for that unpredicted Mayan Apocalypse, or whichever surprise Apocalypse might visit us in the coming year. Don’t leave your afterlife future at risk!

What accommodations and privileges would you like us to arrange for you in your afterlife?

We Thank You, Italy, for Embracing Witchcraft

An Open Letter to Italy

From Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Dear Italy,

We recently noticed that your court in L’Aquila convicted six scientists and a government official of manslaughter and sentenced them each to six years in jail because they did not accurately predict an earthquake. (See Italian Scientists Resign over L’Aquila Quake Verdicts.) This earthquake was a terrible tragedy, killing over 300 people and leaving hundreds more injured and homeless. We extend our sincere condolences to the victims of this natural disaster.

L’Aquila in highlighted Abruzzo region, image by TUBS on wikimedia commons

We also, however, extend our condolences to the people of Italy, who find themselves governed by such imbeciles. The one thing geologists and geophysicists throughout the world all agree on is that science is not yet able to accurately predict earthquakes. We find it amazing that judges and prosecutors in Italy presume to hold Italian scientists to a standard beyond that which is currently possible anywhere on the planet. Apparently in L’Aquila, they expect their scientists to employ witchcraft to predict earthquakes since science cannot do it. Note to L’Aquila prosecutors: Dumbledore is dead. You’re stuck with the scientists. But not for long . . .

Now that Italy has indicated a clear preference for witchcraft over scientific method, we would like to extend an invitation to your most capable scientists and engineers to come live in the US. Our gullible public and corrupt officials are currently less gullible and less corrupt than the Italian judiciary. Your scientists can, to our benefit, practice their skills without fear of being arrested or held to a standard of omnipotent knowledge that one would expect of God.

We realize that, as you watch our election process, you must have your own doubts about the sanity of our people and the integrity of our main political parties. You should carefully note that we have never had someone as vile and corrupt as Berlusconi in our top office. However, we do recognize that’s probably only because Berlusconi’s been at it longer than the youngsters we have in charge over here.

Since Italy apparently no longer has any use for the scientific method, we will happily welcome your best scientists and engineers here. We’d like to thank those few employed Italians with enough money to pay taxes for supporting Italy’s university system all these years. We promise to appreciate the contributions of your intelligentsia.

Before these excellent scientists leave Italy and bring their skills to the New World, we recommend that the seismologists protect themselves from criminal prosecution by issuing a blanket warning of ultimate earthquake disaster for the entire of Italy. Astronomers, no doubt equally as appalled as we are by this conviction, can join in with the proclamation that the sky is falling. Italy can call it the ‘Proclamazione di Chicken Little’.

As you fine Italian citizens consider where to relocate during the forthcoming mass evacuation of Italy, we would suggest to you our own Italian republic, which we call New Jersey. The Italian population of New Jersey has been declining precipitously in recent years. We are certain that state’s social problems could be greatly alleviated with a sufficient influx of some genuine Italians. Please take care of that embarrassing Snooki problem when you get there.

If you don’t mind taking on the work, a million or so fresh Italians relocated to Brooklyn, New York would undoubtedly improve the social conditions there, as well. Across the East River in the Bronx, the Yankees are waiting for the next Joe DiMaggio, Yogi Berra, or Phil Rizzutto, and we’re hoping you’ll be bringing him with you. Note: Italian lawyers, politicians, and other dangerous criminals not welcome.

We should take this opportunity to thank you, people of Italy, for improving our own scientific communities with your finest minds that you went to great expense to train. Let’s face it. They have no place staying in a country that convicts them for not practicing witchcraft.

This certainly is not intended as an insult to the Italian people. We, too, have our own corrupt officials and ignorant slugs in the US who love to confuse witchcraft with science. As a general rule, though, they are too busy blaming homosexuals and abortion recipients for earthquakes and other natural disasters and therefore don’t have time to harass scientists.

Unless, of course, those scientists are also homosexual or abortion recipients. In fact, now that we think about it, we recommend that homosexual scientists avoid small towns in Kansas altogether and relocate instead to San Francisco, Boulder, or Austin. They will find themselves quite at home with teaching positions at Cambridge in the UK, as well.

Mind you, we only want your brightest and most industrious scientists and engineers seeking employment in the US and the UK. Your less magnificent scientists should obtain teaching positions at Le Sorbonne in Paris, where they can’t possibly do much harm since the students are unlikely to end their strikes long enough to attend any classes anyway. Enjoy the wine.

People of Italy, we look forward to your arrival. Some of us are Irish so we’ll leave the light on for you.

Sincerely,

Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes