By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes
It has come to the attention of Bayard & Holmes that the Academy of Spiritual Unity and Cooperation of Peoples of the World (ASUCPW) nominated the Russian President, KGB officer Vladimir Putin, for the Nobel Peace Prize. At first, we were confused.
Vladimir Putin, Dove of Peace
image by premier.gov.ru
Back when PLO terrorist Yasser Arafat—the bin Laden of his day—won the award, we thought it had been purchased for him by some of his pet sheiks as a birthday present. Then, when President Obama won, we were really befuddled, as at that point his greatest negotiation was settling an argument between his daughters over who got the last scoop of ice cream. Our best guess was that he told the committee about his Peace Through Absolute Electronic Surveillance of Americans dream and gave them the same access to PRISM that he shares with Israel, the Five Eyes, his favorite corporations, his dog Bo, and untold others. But now that Vladimir Putin is nominated, we finally understand what the Nobel Peace Prize is all about. It’s to give us all a good, ironic belly laugh.
Putin is being hailed by the ASUCPW as a hero of peace because he got Assad to agree to hand over his chemical weapons to Russia. Those unfamiliar with history may not have noticed, but the Soviet Union started arming Syria back in the late 1940s, before it married capitalism and changed its name to “Russia.” Putin has always been a staunch backer of Assad. Of course he doesn’t want international intervention there. That would be like inviting the neighborhood kids to beat up his favorite illegitimate love child. Instead, Putin is simply having his young foot soldier pass him the “rifle.”
So since Putin is nominated for the Nobel Peace-Through-Ironic-Laughter Prize, we believe he needs a few competitors who could give him a run for his money. We tasked our Bayard & Holmes Peace-Through-Ironic-Laughter Prize Nominating Committee (us) with providing us a list of potential nominees. We think they did a great job finding peers for Putin and Arafat.
- Osama bin Laden – For bringing peace to fanatical Islamists who were fighting each other by providing them with ways to unify and focus their attention on destroying the West.
- Heads of the Mexican Drug Cartels – For unifying the people of Mexico who are not in cartels by getting them to all agree that they would like to take extended vacations to almost anywhere else right now.
- Vice President Joe Biden – For providing the best life insurance any American president could have, thus putting a natural limit on US societal divisions in that no matter how much people dislike Obama, we all want him to remain in good health for the duration of his term.
- George Zimmerman – For unifying the world of social media into obsessing about a single topic for several weeks.
- Everybody’s Drunk Uncle Freddie – For unifying enormous portions of society in depression and stress during the holidays.
Now it’s your turn. In light of Putin’s nomination for a Nobel Peace-Through-Ironic-Laughter Prize, who would you nominate? Please don’t disrespect anyone in the comments—except Putin, of course.
Piper Bayard 
For the Piece of Work Prize…hmmm, possibly certain individuals who loudly champion doing “what’s good for children/making chidren safe” and shutter the national Amber search website.(people should be outside playing with their children and keeping an eye on them anyway…hey ideas about children available on the gov “Let’s Move” website!)
Hi Philosopher. Yea that’s a good one.
I have a group nominee: Everyone in the Legislative and Executive branches of our government for creating a crisis that is solvable through common sense and cooperation and distracting us from what is really wrong, the system was designed over two hundred years ago and needs tweaking to improve it.
Note to Holmes: Gen Vo Ngyuen Giap has died. He wrote the book on guerilla warfare and kicked the French’s and our asses. He also took care of Khymer Rouge. He wasn’t on our side by any means but you have to give him props.
Hi Tomwisk. Thanks for the alert. I had read about his death. I was speaking to the grandson of a 4 star NVA general about it yesterday. Giap was a bright fellow. He was the brains of the NV military ambitions for sure. people will remember Ho as the great leader but it was Giap.
On a serious note, Malala Yousafzai, the 15-year-old Pakistani girl who was shot in the head and neck by the Taliban, for advocating school for girls (and survived). Anyone who sticks up for girls’ education in the face of crazy people deserves a prize.
Totally agree. The word “hero” gets tossed around these days, the news stations even applying it to people who make a 911 call. But it takes serious guts and determination for a girl to go to school in the Swat Valley, and even more to show she is literate by writing about it.
Too funny! My best friend’s brother lives in Mexico and had a horrid experience. I would rather be in Iraq than Mexico any day but maybe not Egypt 😉 Canada is hunky dory
I am so not surprised by that. One of the best kept secrets in tourism is the violence against foreigners in Mexico right now. I actually know someone who tried to tell me that Mexico is safer than my own Western state “because only the Federales have guns in Mexico.” What can sane people even say to that? I notice she never returned from her trip to Acapulco. Don’t know if something happened to her down there, but it wouldn’t surprise me. Some good friends of mine went to Los Cabos, and they were escorted by armed guards from the airport to a heavily guarded all-inclusive resort on the sea shore. They didn’t pass out of the gates until they left to go back to the airport. I have to wonder which drug lord runs the place. But enough of that! I hope your brother’s best friend upgrades his neighborhood soon. And I totally agree. Canada is the boss when it comes to great travel experiences. I have great faith in the Egyptians that they will straighten out their issues and once more be a travel haven for foreigners, too.
I know I’d love to go to Egypt but even before all this you got robbed on camels going to Pyramids 😦 My friend’s brother is German Mennonite Mexican as she is so he lives there permanently. Got his car nicked blindfolded taken to cliff top yard away from edge not knowing and hours later a stranger and asled him if he was okay. Still laugh at that ? If he’d have wandered yikes!