The Nobel Peace-Through-Ironic-Laughter Prize Nominees

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

It has come to the attention of Bayard & Holmes that the Academy of Spiritual Unity and Cooperation of Peoples of the World (ASUCPW) nominated the Russian President, KGB officer Vladimir Putin, for the Nobel Peace Prize. At first, we were confused.

Vladimir Putin, Dove of Peace image by premier.gov.ru

Vladimir Putin, Dove of Peace
image by premier.gov.ru

Back when PLO terrorist Yasser Arafat—the bin Laden of his day—won the award, we thought it had been purchased for him by some of his pet sheiks as a birthday present. Then, when President Obama won, we were really befuddled, as at that point his greatest negotiation was settling an argument between his daughters over who got the last scoop of ice cream. Our best guess was that he told the committee about his Peace Through Absolute Electronic Surveillance of Americans dream and gave them the same access to PRISM that he shares with Israel, the Five Eyes, his favorite corporations, his dog Bo, and untold others. But now that Vladimir Putin is nominated, we finally understand what the Nobel Peace Prize is all about. It’s to give us all a good, ironic belly laugh.

Putin is being hailed by the ASUCPW as a hero of peace because he got Assad to agree to hand over his chemical weapons to Russia. Those unfamiliar with history may not have noticed, but the Soviet Union started arming Syria back in the late 1940s, before it married capitalism and changed its name to “Russia.” Putin has always been a staunch backer of Assad. Of course he doesn’t want international intervention there. That would be like inviting the neighborhood kids to beat up his favorite illegitimate love child. Instead, Putin is simply having his young foot soldier pass him the “rifle.”

So since Putin is nominated for the Nobel Peace-Through-Ironic-Laughter Prize, we believe he needs a few competitors who could give him a run for his money. We tasked our Bayard & Holmes Peace-Through-Ironic-Laughter Prize Nominating Committee (us) with providing us a list of potential nominees. We think they did a great job finding peers for Putin and Arafat.

  • Osama bin Laden – For bringing peace to fanatical Islamists who were fighting each other by providing them with ways to unify and focus their attention on destroying the West.
  • Heads of the Mexican Drug Cartels – For unifying the people of Mexico who are not in cartels by getting them to all agree that they would like to take extended vacations to almost anywhere else right now.
  • Vice President Joe Biden – For providing the best life insurance any American president could have, thus putting a natural limit on US societal divisions in that no matter how much people dislike Obama, we all want him to remain in good health for the duration of his term.
  • George Zimmerman – For unifying the world of social media into obsessing about a single topic for several weeks.
  • Everybody’s Drunk Uncle Freddie – For unifying enormous portions of society in depression and stress during the holidays.

Now it’s your turn. In light of Putin’s nomination for a Nobel Peace-Through-Ironic-Laughter Prize, who would you nominate? Please don’t disrespect anyone in the comments—except Putin, of course.

Top Ten Ways to Keep a Retired Pontiff Busy

By Piper Bayard and Kristen Lamb

As a general rule, popes don’t change jobs except by dying. On the rare occasion that they do retire, they tend to be trouble makers, either wanting their old jobs back or exercising their Back Seat Pope’s License. Benedict XVI is the first pontiff to retire in around 600 years, and with this move, the Vatican now has an unusual conundrum on its hands. What to do with a retired pope?

Pope Benedict XVIimage by Tadeusz Gomy, public domain

Pope Benedict XVI
image by Tadeusz Gomy, public domain

When I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient and humorous place. So when we heard that our fellow world leader was about to have too much time on his hands, we brainstormed a few things he can do to keep himself busy and out of the cardinals’ zuccehettos.

Top Ten Ways to Keep a Retired Pontiff Busy

  1. Co-star in a movie as Steve Carell’s best friend, The 90 Year Old Virgin.
  2. Translate Latin into Twitter-speak for remote exorcisms.
  3. Be a Walmart Greeter who can save souls and provide carts that don’t squeak.
  4. Team up with George Foreman to make a new line of sandwich grills.
  5. Be a Spokesperson for Clorox on how to keep your whites the whitest.
  6. Cast devils out of the Jersey Shore crew and the Real Housewives.
  7. Babysit Bill Clinton.
  8. Judge contestants on Dancing with the Saints.
  9. Host the new game shows, Your Soul’s In Jeopardy and Are You Smarter than a Pontiff?
  10. Test drive the new bulletproof Hoverround.

Hoveround

Hoveround

We make these suggestions with the purest of hearts. If anyone finds them offensive, at least be glad we had the good taste to stop at President and not run for Pope.

What are your clean and respectful suggestions for how the Pope can stay busy in retirement?