Currency of the Apocalypse–Watcha Got?

By Piper Bayard

The apocalypse has come. How are you going to pay for it? Your money is now worth nothing. Even your gold is indigestible. So what’s going to be the new medium of exchange?

image by Larry D. Moore CC BY-SA 3.0, wikimedia commons

image by Larry D. Moore
CC BY-SA 3.0, wikimedia commons

Let’s start with the obvious. Spam and Twinkies. Food is going to be in short supply, and, unless there is some kind of polar apocalypse, or you’ve got a way to operate your electric vacuum sealer, modern food storage will be a thing of the past. Spam and Twinkies never go bad. Hence, they will not only prove a valuable commodity at mealtime, but they will help you keep up your body weight and give you something to trade for shoes and ammunition for your crossbow. Just watch out for cannibals and zombies – eat enough Spam and Twinkies, and you, too, will be salty, sweet, and well-marbled for predators.

Another handy trade good of the apocalypse will be Tic Tacs. Just think how bad everyone’s breath is going to be once we have no running water or toothpaste. And trust me, people will still want to kiss each other, and this is a good thing. Without that, humanity would die out quickly. So sell all of your gold and invest now in Tic Tacs for the good of the species. They will be hot on the barter market.

The third thing you don’t want to face an apocalypse without is a stash of toilet paper. Just ask Venezuela, which is currently suffering from a toilet paper shortage. People will give a lot for a roll of the white stuff when they’ve eaten too much Spam and Twinkies. Of course, that will be one of the two uses left for your paper money—the other being to light small fires—but you can get more mileage from investing that paper now in paper.

Toilet Paper Money canstock

Unfortunately for Archer in FIRELANDS, Spam and Twinkies are not an option. She and her people eat hemp gruel, the few vegetables the Josephites allow them to grow in their gardens, and whatever meat Archer brings them from the forest. For money, they are only allowed to barter unless they are trading at the Josephite-operated Big Box.

You, however, will have the time-honored cigarettes and chocolate to barter with in the Apocalypse if you are the lucky reader to win the FIRELANDS Apocalypse Survival Kit. You’ll also have a fantastic Eddie Bauer Go Bag, a can of Tactical Bacon–better than Spam or Twinkies–a signed author copy of FIRELANDS, and a stuffed Grumpy Cat to keep you company and cheer you up while surviving on the smoking heap that used to be our planet.

The easiest way to enter is to sign up for the Bayard & Holmes mailing list at Bayard & Holmes Newsletter. No hassles and no purchase necessary. Just infrequent newsletters and book release notices. You can also enter by leaving a quote or a picture of yourself with FIRELANDS here, on FB, or on Twitter, and by leaving reviews for FIRELANDS at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, iPad, or Goodreads. Each entry is valid so you can enter multiple times.

Bloggers can enter by blogging about anything to do with the Apocalypse and linking to the original post, FIRELANDS Apocalypse Reader/Blogger Challenge. One great example is Julie Glover’s blog, Words for the End of the World. The blogger prize is a feature on Social In Worldwide, Inc., the web site that shut down the WordPress server this week with all the hits it gets.

For more details, see FIRELANDS Reader/Blogger Challenge.

What would you use as currency in a post-apocalyptic world?

FIRELANDS Cover

Eighty years in the future, America has devolved into a totalitarian theocracy. The ruling Josephites clone the only seeds that grow in the post-apocalyptic climate, allowing their Prophet to control who eats, who starves, and who dies in the ritual fires that atone society.

Subsisting on the fringes, Archer risks violation and death each day as she scours the forest for game to feed her people. When a Josephite refugee seeks sanctuary in her home, Archer is driven to chance a desperate gamble. A gamble that will bring down the Prophet and deliver seeds and freedom, or end in a fiery death for herself and for everyone she loves.

Seeds are life . . . Seeds are power . . . Seeds are the only hope of a despairing people. What will Archer do for the seeds of freedom, and what will she justify in their name?

FIRELANDS

Available from Amazon in Paperback and on Kindle

Also in e-book at Barnes & Noble and Kobo,

and at iTunes for iPad and mobile devices.

The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . The Twinkie is Dead

After two bankruptcy filings and a bitter strike, Hostess Brands, Inc. is liquidating. I don’t know about you, but as soon as I post this blog, I’m heading out to buy up all the Twinkies for my Apocalypse Survival kit. Dear God, what’s next? Spam?

Image by Larry D. Moore, used under a Creative Commons ShareAlike License

Click here for the full story. Twinkies Maker Hostess to Liquidate Company after Strike

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order 

Google Cameras Map Popular Grand Canyon Trails via Senator John McCain. No, this isn’t about Benghazi. It’s about mapping the Grand Canyon. Really. And it’s cool.

The 20 Worst Wrestling Characters of All Time via Screen Writer, Best Selling Author, and downright Jolly Good Fellow Ryne Douglas Pearson.

Amber West brings us A Fairy Tale Showdown at Why It’s Worth a Watch Wednesday.

Air New Zealand is ever clever with this Middle Earth Airline Briefing. Just in case you can’t bear to wait for The Hobbit to come out. How fun is this?

Holmes and I are featured bloggers at the SocialIN Network. Today I’d like to welcome our newest SocialIN bloggers, International Best Selling Author Vicki Hinze who is posting in Writing–Live!, and the 21st Century Erma Bombeck, Paige Kellerman is posting in Family Humor.

Are You a Candle or a Mirror? by Vicki Hinze.

On the Island of Misfit Pants by Paige Kellerman.

So what’s your excuse? New York Times Best Selling Author and Fun Lady Allison Brennan tells us hers, and why they’re all crap. Murder She Writes–Excuses

Geriatric pets are always a challenge, but Thriller Author and Animal Behavior Specialist Amy Shojai has some great tips . . .

Caring for Your Aging Cat: 9 Common Conditions & What to Do

Caring for Your Aging Dog: 8 Common Conditions & What You Should Know

Wendy Williams did her part to Save the Twinkie when she hosted opera singer Hai-Ting Chinn, who sings us all of the ingredients we can find in a Twinkie. No wonder the cockroaches will be feeding off of these for thousands of years after the human race is gone. Via my hometown friend, Bob Farkas.

So inquiring minds want to know . . .

All the best to all of you for having what you need.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse