Breaking Badly

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Breaking Bad—five seasons of weekly opportunities for the average, law-abiding citizen to ride in the fast lane with chemistry teacher/family man/meth dealer Walter White has finally come to an end. The Albuquerque Journal even ran Walter White’s obituary, and Vernon’s Hidden Valley Steakhouse is giving Walter White a funeral in Albuquerque this Saturday, October 19.

Breaking Bad

As Holmes and I look around, we find that we are surrounded by Breaking Bad fans in various stages of the Kubler-Ross grief process . . .

Denial – No. This can’t be happening . . . Oh, wait! I can still watch the first 54 episodes on Netflix. Maybe the movie will be out by the time I’m finished.

Anger – What do you mean there’s no more Breaking Bad? How can they do this to me? *gives collection of Walter White action figures and Breaking Bad Chemistry Set to neighbor and says never wants to see them again*

Bargaining – Let’s kidnap Vince Gilligan like in Misery and tell him he can’t have his freedom until he comes up with five more seasons. *slips in through neighbor’s window to steal back action figures and chemistry set; finds out neighbor sold them to buy weed.*

Depression – Dear God, why live? *curls up in fetal position around TV remote*

Acceptance – It’s real. It’s happening. Breaking Bad is over. I must find healthy ways to fill the void and move on. *pays $2,000 to have name engraved on Walter White’s memorial tombstone at Vernon’s Hidden Valley Steakhouse*

Fear not, Breaking Bad fans! Here at Bayard & Holmes, we see your suffering, and we stand ready to help. We have the following suggestions to assist you moving beyond Walter White’s world to begin to live again:

  • Buy our books and obsess over them, instead.
  • Develop a taste for brandy.
  • Set up a telescope in your window and get to know your neighbors.
image from Rear Window

image from Rear Window

  • Stop playing with your household chemicals and donate your gas mask to a local Alcohol Recovery Center thrift store.
  • List all of the blue items you see in your house that have nothing to do with meth.
  • Use Google and find out who the real Heisenberg was.
  • Buy out the Funyons from your local grocery store and throw a party for your friends.
  • Attempt to technically define the word “yo.”

For those of you who simply aren’t ready for closure, for the mere sum of $1999—a real deal next to that tombstone engraving—you can secure your seat on the Breaking Bad Albuquerque Meth Tour.* Enjoy three days of sightseeing while being escorted by hardened ex-cons and “criminal” attorneys through the seediest corners of Albuquerque. Tour activities will include Nerf gun combat in the New Mexico desert and stops in chicken restaurants and law enforcement outposts where people really are selling meth out of the back room. To complete our tour, vacationers will receive one free trip to the University of New Mexico Hospital emergency room where they can see and talk to actual meth heads in their natural migratory habitat while waiting for treatment.

Call now and be one of our first ten customers, who will each receive an autographed photo from a random local high school chemistry professor. Let Bayard & Holmes give you the assistance you need to break out of your fast lane fantasies. Operators standing by.

*Airfare, accommodations, meals, and transportation not included in price of package; however, each vacationer will receive one complimentary piece of fake meth candy made of sugar on a stick and the number to the Drug Abuse Hotline in the state of their choosing.

Where are you at in your Breaking Bad grief cycle?

The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Assault Teddy Bears Make War for Sweden

Sweden supported a teddy bear drop over Belarus, parachuting in teddy bears with the message, “Free Speech Now.” Ambassadors have been expelled, and Belarussian heads have rolled.

Or read the text here, Guard Gets Two Years in Prison for Failing to Protect Belarus from Teddy Bears.

Apparently, Belarus is a Teddy Bear Free Zone.

image by e_cathedra, Flickr Photo Sharing ShareAlike 2.0 GenericDon't do this in Belarus!

image by e_cathedra, Flickr Photo Sharing ShareAlike 2.0 Generic
Don’t do this in Belarus!

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

One of the trickiest parts of writing novels is writing the pitch. The description for the query letter or the cover blurb that will sell the book. Kathryn Aragon of the C4 Report teams guest posts at Buddhapuss Ink on Book Descriptions, More Than Just a Summary, Please. Five Essential Qualities of Irresistible Product Descriptions.

Kudos to race car driver Danica Patrick. I want to be her when I grow up, at least for one race. Danica Patrick Wins Daytona 500 Pole Position

Need a laugh today? Rhonda Hopkins pointed me to this link, BIC Cristal for Her Ball Pen. Forget the product. Check out the reviews. They will have you ROFL.

Contract-of-Betrayal by Tammy Salyer

Now available! Award winning military science fiction author and former paratrooper Tammy Salyer just released the second book in her Spectras Arise series, Contract of Betrayal. You can find it at Amazon, Kobo, and Barnes & Noble.

It’s that time of year when authors are finalizing their plans for upcoming writers conferences. Chuck Barrett asks the question, Are Writer’s Conferences Really Worth It?.

And when it comes to Writers Conferences, it’s not too late to catch WANACon, the online writers conference happening today through Sunday. The only Writers Conference you can attend in your pajamas, brought to you by Kristen Lamb.

We love their accents and their stories, and so many of us screamed after watching the season finale, but do we really know what they’re saying? From Julie Glover, The Language of Downton Abbey.

Downton Abbey - Whatever is an "entail"?

Downton Abbey –
Whatever is an “entail”?

Fascinating story from Debra Eve about how one hairdresser became a . . . hair archaeologist? Yep. A Hair Archaeologist. How a Baltimore Hairdresser Became a World-Renowned “Hair Archaeologist” of Ancient Rome

“There is no need to cling to any moment for any longer than it lasts.” Living in the now takes practice. A Matter of Practice by Karen Huber.

That being said, some things should not be forgotten, particularly the stories that are never allowed to be told. McCain Claims ‘Massive Cover-Up’ on Benghazi. Holmes and I, as a general rule, do not take political positions. Benghazi is not a political position. It is an event with real objective facts that were being buried even before the last shot was fired that night. We Americans need to demand some answers.

Blindsided by the Walking Dead

You know IronE Singleton from The Blindside and The Walking Dead. Now you can know his story from the streets of Atlanta to Hollywood, Blindsided by The Walking Dead. Co-authored by five time war correspondent and Zombie Survival Crew founder Juliette Terzieff.

IronE is also one of the New Faces of Black History: The Zombie Killa in this hoot of a video. Spoiler warning–this has hints about a recent major event on The Walking Dead.

This week’s Campaign Style Poll Daddy:

All the best to all of you for a week of avoiding Assault Teddy Bears.

Piper Bayard

The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Bathroom Stall TV

This is a picture I took in the Ladies Room of our local Red Robin restaurant.

I guess we just wouldn’t want to miss one minute of those political conventions, would we?

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order 

New York Times Best Selling Author Bob Mayer is doing an excellent series on Special Operations Forces. Do You Know Who Special Operations Forces Are & What They Do? Part 1

Susan Spann Writes with Dragons and Seahorses over at The Debutante Ball, a group blog for select writers who are releasing their debut novels within the year. Congratulations, Susan!

“Too many people underestimate what a big deal that simply staying in the game really is.” Pearl of wisdom, that. Maturity–The Difference Between the Amateur and the Professional by Best Selling Author Kristen Lamb.

What do you call your fluffy friends? Cat Names 101 by Amy Shojai.

Sometimes our purpose is to serve as a warning to others. Renee Jacobson has some great tips learned from hard experience. Rebooting Myself after the Great Computer Crash: You Gotta Back That Thang Up

Success Tips from a Drama Dog is up at Paige Kellerman’s blog. Stop by and congratulate her on the birth of her son, “Doc Holiday,” who came in at close to 10 lbs. Reporting Live: The Fat Eagle Has Landed

Super fun and informative article from Leslie Hedrick – A Vague History of Monasticism.

This video comes to us today from Shawna Coronado, the Queen of Green. WARNING: Do not medicate before viewing this or you will get nothing else done today!

Now for the Poll Daddy campaign style question of the day.

All the best to all of you for knowing when and where to indulge.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Chasing the Hill: Not Just Fake Politics

Review, Chasing the Hill

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

 

Emmy nominee Brent Roske, Creator and Executive Producer of the new internet TV show, “Chasing the Hill,” has done the impossible. He has created a show about politics during campaign season that not only didn’t have us shoving our heads in a wood chipper, it had us watching it a second time.

In “Chasing the Hill,” California Representative Kristina Ryan is attempting to win re-election for a third term. Normally, as a Democratic Party incumbent in southern California, her election would be a slam-dunk affair. Unfortunately for her campaign, she was recently involved in a nasty scandal and she is now behind in the polls. The pilot shows her campaign team as they do their best to overcome her recent scandal and get her re-elected.

Non-partisan interviews with actual elected officials are included before the episode and after the show in a segment called “Chasing Chasing the Hill.”

The cast includes Robin Weigert of “Deadwood” fame as well as “West Wing” alums Matthew Del Negro, Joshua Malina, and Melissa Fitzgerald.

Now for our individual comments.

Bayard:

I didn’t just enjoy “Chasing the Hill,” I enjoyed it even more the second time I watched it. The dialogue is clever and often humorous, and the acting is excellent. I almost felt like I was eavesdropping rather than watching a performance.

As a hard core moderate, the thing I appreciate most about “Chasing the Hill” is that it is a realistic political drama that is non-partisan. Although Rep. Ryan is a democrat, the show does not beat me about the head and shoulders with left-wing dogma. The pilot focuses on the behind-the-scenes action of politics and not on the politics themselves. In today’s election atmosphere of heightened partisanship, which is always detrimental to our country, it’s refreshing to see a show that so far makes every attempt to be politically objective.

Holmes:

I watched the pilot for “Chasing the Hill” twice this morning. I enjoyed it. So far, the characters are interesting enough to hold my attention. The filming and editing utilize the youthful production style of a docudrama, and at times they lend the feel of a documentary to the show. Also, the very sudden and pronounced delivery of some of the actors’ lines adds an interesting touch of 1890s stage production to the digital gestalt.

I enjoyed the non-traditional combination of editing, production, and directing styles for two reasons. For one thing, it was entertaining enough to justify my time. For another, I was happy to see an internet show that has thus far been well enough written, acted, and produced to survive in what remains a difficult internet market.

I am hoping that this show will be successful, and that more writers and producers will use the cost effective internet production method to highlight a wider variety of writers and ideas than what we find in more traditional TV fare.

The bottom line for me, though, is that I don’t regret spending my time and my $1.99 to watch it. Particularly during a campaign season, paying to watch a more interesting fake campaign in exchange for avoiding the plethora of nauseating political ads that plague the air waves made the price tag seem like a bargain.

If you have the time, go ahead and watch “Chasing the Hill.” I think there’s a good chance that you will enjoy it. If you are in a mood for serious commentary, you should also watch the “Chasing Chasing the Hill” segment that airs after the show.

The first season will have six episodes, which you can download at Chasing the Hill.

Together, Holmes and I give “Chasing the Hill” five stars. While it won’t make fake promises about world peace, your medical bills, or your outsourced job like a real political campaign does, this fake political campaign is real entertainment and absolutely worth your time and dime.

© 2012 Piper Bayard. All content on this page is protected by copyright. If you would like to use any part of this, please contact us at the above links to request permission.