Make Your TSA Grope Memorable

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Spring break is kicking off the travel season, and summer is just around the corner. The DHS and the TSA are already using this timing to further justify molesting American citizens and irradiating them with shocking, and shockingly expensive, strip-scanners in airports, on highways, and in bus terminals.


Canstock image.

Canstock image.


Our advice to you? As Holmes says, “Avoid the radiation by all means. We shouldn’t be irradiating our citizens. Situations like this make me long for the Cold War. At least back then, our government knew who we were supposed to irradiate, and we weren’t planning to offer those SOBs any patdown options.”

We realize this subject causes great stress for many travelers, and our entire goal is to sell books alleviate your stress. So not long ago, we spent the better part of our evening sipping 10-yr-old Guinda* and discussing some creative methods of reducing your stress and lightening up the travel season for you and all of your fellow voyagers.

We want to extend our stress relief to TSA employees, as well. After all, except for the child molesters and other perverts among their ranks, they are mostly people who are just as beleaguered by their duty to grab your crotch as you are.


"Two by two, hands of blue." ~Firefly TSA agents in Boston. Image by DHS, public domain.

“Two by two, hands of blue.” ~Firefly
TSA agents in Boston.
Image by DHS, public domain.


We’re offering these suggestions to help you make your TSA Patdown fun for you and memorable for your TSA agent. Let’s fill America’s airports with laughter and joy this summer. It’s win/win.

1. Pretend you don’t speak English. Whatever translator they bring you, pretend you don’t speak that language, either.

2. If you’re traveling with a church group, you should all simultaneously cry out, “Hallelujah, the rapture is coming!” and start speaking in tongues.



3. Let yourself relax and enjoy it. In fact, moan loudly with pleasure. After all, lots of folks enjoy a good groping, and your TSA agents are hard at work looking for all of your security sweet spots. Be sure to cry out with passion to let your TSA agents know how much you appreciate their security technique. When it’s all done, compliment them, and if it’s your first time, let them know it was everything you dreamed of. Meg Ryan gives us a great example for the TSA encounter.

4. Educate your TSA agent to the benefits of becoming an Amway salesman and refuse to move on until you have finished with your sales pitch.

5. If you are a melanin-gifted traveler, and you’re being groped by a melanin-challenged TSA agent, burst out singing Perry Como’s “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” with the broadest smile you can muster. (We recommend against any rap songs about killing authority figures.)

6. Tell your TSA agent that if her groping inspires an out-of-body experience, you will reward her with a kiss and a phone call on the morrow.


Man in kilt enjoying his TSA grope. Canstock image.

Man in kilt enjoying his TSA grope.
Canstock image.


7. For men, wear a kilt with no underwear. When they get to your genitals, have a bouquet of flowers pop out of your cod purse playing Bad Romance by Lady Gaga. Then, in your best Mike Myers Scottish accent, exclaim, “Ah, Laddie, ye give such good grroope!”

If the TSA fails to offer you a complimentary groping and attempts to re-route you through a metal detector, remind them loudly that you paid full fare for this ticket, and you are every bit as entitled to a groping as any other traveler would be. And don’t worry. If you are a virgin, you will still be a virgin when they are finished. But if they offer the free cavity search, definitely turn them down.

Let’s fill America’s airports with laughter, song, and joy this summer travel season. It’s win/win. And remember, you’re in good hands with TSA.

All the best to all of you for avoiding all unwanted gropings.


The bottle we toast from on special occasions.

The bottle we toast from on special occasions.


*Guinda is a traditional Spanish drink made from cherries. It will give you a serious case of the warm-fuzzies.

Tannerite. . . . Blowing Stuff Up Over Spring Break

By Piper Bayard

Farm boys blow stuff up. It’s what they do for fun when “Momma” sends them outside to play. That Chinese guy who invented gunpowder? Yep. He was a farm boy. So with almost 400 years of “down home” coursing through my son’s veins, it’s no wonder he’s taught me about napalm, rail guns, and tannerite. Tannerite is particularly fun. Check it out.

Now, let’s all own up. If people didn’t enjoy harmless explosions, Jerry Bruckheimer would be out of business.

So over Spring Break, we went to visit some people I don’t know and can’t identify on their farm in a place I could never find again in a country I’ve never been to. I only remember that one of our hostesses looked like a calorically enhanced twin to Janet Reno, and her friends were calling her “Janet.” Some people, apparently her family members, were calling her “Big Sis.” Somehow, some tannerite was delivered ahead of time at this non-existent location.

We began our fun activities by mixing the tannerite and shooting it with a 30.06 rifle. It turned one perfectly good cardboard box into a well-vented cardboard box, leaving a 28″ diameter blast through it. Well, that was a good start.

We sent out a dream wish and some kid I never met and don’t remember landed on our doorstep the next day with a few common household items. He showed us a possible way to make a bigger boom. This is the device he came up with.

Now, now. Get your minds out of the gutter.

This is two jars of tannerite, legal in all 50 states, and a few common household items that are also legal across the nation. The unknown kid took it out back by the pond that doesn’t exist at the farm I could never find again to light it and see what would happen. I recorded the resulting explosion. However, I will have to describe it to you because try as I might, and I tried for two hours at 11 p.m. last night, I couldn’t figure out how to get WordPress to talk to the video file.

Anyway, back to the fun stuff. The kid I never met lit the fuse and ran. About fifteen seconds later, we were rewarded with a small boom and a flash of incredibly bright light. It  blasted fifteen feet in diameter across the ground in every direction, while shooting a pillar upward about four feet in its center.

As it turns out, the poof of light created by those common household items wasn’t enough to ignite the very stable tannerite, though it did set the surrounding grass on fire.. This is what was left.

I know what you’re thinking. Stop that. . . .

The kid we didn’t know eventually took the tannerite out and shot it with a 30.06, ending the scientific experiments until at least next weekend. If you know anyone with a little land and a 30.06 or stronger rifle, I highly recommend you order a bit of this stuff online and play with it. It’s a hoot!

Tannerite. . . . It’s what’s for Spring Break.

What sort of fun did you have on your Spring Break?

All the best to all of you for having fun with kids you never met.