Life, Death, and the Sex License

By Piper Bayard

Themes of death and birth, that cycle of apocalypse and renewal, surrounded me this week. A dear friend’s father died, a good soul who made the planet better by his presence. Another friend hit the magic 28 weeks and breathed a sigh of relief that her unborn child now has the odds in his favor. And in our house? My 9th grade son, who I could swear just started walking yesterday, applied for his Sex License.

 

Canstock photo -- Not my son.

Canstock photo — Not my son.

 

“So Mom. How old is old enough to have sex?”

I’m well aware that almost any religion on the planet would offer a moral answer to that question. I’m also aware that the guiding light of morals tends to dim in the dashboard lights. I mean, think about it. How many “good kids” did you know in high school who lost “it” at church camp or spawned prom babies because THEY would never do THAT? I needed to give him something real. Something tangible. So I said what I think most parents would say in my shoes.

“Uuuuhhh . . .”

“I get my Learner’s Permit at 15.”

“Not fifteen!”

“Well, I get my Driver’s License at 16, and driving a car is a serious responsibility.”

“A car doesn’t get pregnant when you drive it. And you don’t get hepatitis or AIDS from a car.”

“So Mom, how old is old enough?”

“Well, you know you can have a baby every time you have sex, even with birth control. I mean, have you noticed your little sister running around here? Latex loophole baby.”

“Eeewww! Maaahm!”

“Hey. You opened the door for that one.”

So we talked about sex. We noted how young men are most biologically suited for killing bears and starting families. I commiserated with him about how the modern economics of supporting families are out of sync with natural urges and the sight of teen girls in mini-skirts. We pondered the fact that the most important decision he will make in life is choosing the mother of his children. And I can hear some of you dear readers now . . .

“He asked his mother? He needs to talk to his dad. His dad will set him straight.”

I’m sure his dad WOULD give him a different answer. And my writing partner, Jay Holmes? Let’s just say he’s been a student of sex, C4, and hollow points for a very long time, so it’s safe to assume he won’t be backing me up on this one.

But as I studied my man-child and tried to give him real world answers to his real life questions, at least from a mother’s perspective, I realized something. Life so loves Itself that no amount of death can discourage it for long. At least not while there are teenage boys, and girls in mini-skirts.

2012 Man of the Year

By Piper Bayard

Once in a while, amidst all the news of terror, tragedies, lies, and deceit, someone comes along who makes the world stop and have a moment of collective fun. This year, I thank Psy and Gangnam Style for that moment and for his video that got the whole planet smiling and dancing.

PSY Eva Rinaldi wikimedia

image by Eva Rinaldi, wikimedia commons

This is the original Psy video that rocketed him to worldwide meme with over one BILLION YouTube views, crossing the most unlikely cultural boundaries and earning him his place in pop culture’s collective memory.

Gangnam is the Beverly Hills-type district of South Korea. One source says that “Oppan Gangnam style” means basically that the brother is Gangnam style, or high class. Psy is known in South Korea for being something of a “badass” and a rebel. Anything but Gangnam style.

With something this silly and random, there had to be parodies. These are some of the best.

For the LOTR fans, we have Gandalf Style.

A bit of geek heaven in the form of Minecraft Style.

And for the Comic Con crowd, we have Deadpool vs. Gangnam Style. Great example of how many smiles this video has brought to the world.

Well, maybe not always smiles. These lifeguards lost their jobs when they filmed this parody. Apparently, the city wasn’t keen on them using the facilities after hours. Many of them were reinstated after a national outcry on their behalf.

No collection would be complete without the Gunman Style – Gangnam Style Asian Western Parody.

Even the Saudis got in on the fun.

And my personal favorite, NASA Johnson Style.

So many smiles for so many people from so many places and cultures. That’s where solutions start. So this year, I choose Psy as the 2012 Man of the Year. Thank you for making the world a better place.

Happy New Year, Everyone! May 2013 bring you lots of fun moments and smiles.

Post-Apocalyptic Management Services

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

There’s been much ado made about the end of the Mayans’ 13th b’ak’tun this Friday. The Mayans, themselves, are a bit baffled as to why the Western world is making such a fuss about it. All it means to them is that they flip their calendar back to the Mayan b’ak’tun equivalent of January.

Mayan zodiac circle wikimedia

image from wikimedia commons

However, Wikileaks has recently pilfered some highly classified documents that indicate Hugo Chavez is stocking up on Kool-Aid. We think that, if the internationally acknowledged Ass of the Apocalypse is in preparation for the end of the world, perhaps we should be asking a few questions.

For example, how well do we really know these Mayans? About the only thing we do know about them for sure is that they Occupied their own Wall Street with a Tea Party until they had no civilization left. They’ve already had their apocalypse so failing to predict the end of our world would not be their first mistake. What if they are wrong, and the apocalypse really is coming at the end of their 13th b’ak’tun?

With the risk of an unpredicted Armageddon looming on the horizon, planning can be a bit overwhelming and uncertain. What do I need to do first? What should I wear? How do I secure the best possible post-apocalyptic future for my family?

Not to worry. Bayard & Holmes are here to help you rest easy, so to speak. Our Celestial Aftercare Services Division offers a full range of Five Star Post-Apocalypse Services and Products to help you make sure you’re not left out of the good life in the afterlife.

One of your highest priorities will be to present the most admirable image to the afterlife administrators of your personal religious preference. Whether you’re impressing St. Peter to get through the Pearly Gates or Charon to ferry you to the Elysian Fields, one thing is certain.  The last thing you want to do is show up on the big day with all sorts of material wealth to explain.

 Charon and Psyche by John Roddam Spencer Stanhope

All that earthly junk is of no use to you after the Apocalypse, and probably not all that useful to you now, so you’ll want to safely dispose of that embarrassing material wealth before the big day. We’re happy to help you polish up your image by removing that wealth to our auction warehouse a safe location, far away from you and your reputation in time for Judgment Day.

Some of our more pragmatic readers may be asking “What if the Mayans were right? What if the end of the b’ak’tun only means you reset the calendar, and the universe continues as usual?”

Not a problem. With our vast experience in Celestial Aftercare Services, we’re ready for this eventuality. In the event that there is no apocalypse, we’ll refund your wealth, minus a modest storage fee.

With your problem of material wealth resolved, your next priority is arranging for a happy post-apocalyptic social life. What sort of souls will you be flying with in the afterlife? Will their music be too loud? Will their jokes go stale after a few millenniums? What if they pick their teeth with their pocketknives or blow their noses onto the sidewalk? Do you want to spend eternity surrounded by under socialized celestial masses? Of course not.

Fortunately, as a Bayard and Holmes Celestial Aftercare Customer, for a small handling fee, you’ll be entitled to free social screening for your entire family. All you have to do is fill out a brief nine hundred question survey to determine the most compatible social contacts for you in the afterlife. Eternity is a long, long time. Why risk spending it with insufferable idiots?

And what about entertainment? Will you be able to get box seats at your favorite celestial sporting events? Will you get stuck sitting in the 14,782nd row of the Heavenly Opera House trying to hear Caruso sing your favorite Italian opera? Or worse yet, will you be diverted to the German opera house to listen to Wagner for agonizing centuries while you wait for an intermission? And what about restaurants? Will you get a decent table for steak and lobster, or will you be forced to catch a salty, mystery meat burrito at a food cart?

Mystery Burrito Tubezone wikimedia

image by Tubezone, wikimedia commons

For an inconsequential additional fee, you can receive a Bayard and Holmes VIP Gold Membership Card, which will entitle you to red carpet services wherever you go in the afterlife. Without proper planning heaven can start feeling like hell. Don’t risk it! You deserve the finest services and accommodations, and we’re here to make sure you get them.

Contact us now to prepare for that unpredicted Mayan Apocalypse, or whichever surprise Apocalypse might visit us in the coming year. Don’t leave your afterlife future at risk!

What accommodations and privileges would you like us to arrange for you in your afterlife?

Holiday Survival — Obnoxious Flirts and Toddler Trees

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

This month, Holmes and I are dedicated to spreading cheer and relieving the tension of the holidays. We invite you to send your questions to me, a pragmatic author/belly dancer and not-so-closet redneck, and Holmes, a man with experience in intelligence and covert operations who thinks 90% of life’s problems can be solved with sex, C4, or hollow points.

Let’s take a look at what’s on your minds this week . . .

Natalie Hartford sent us the following:

What do you do when the hostess’ husband just won’t stop flirting with you shamelessly in front of his wife? I mean…I am one hot mama and I can’t seem to shake them off no matter how cold and unaffectionate I am. I fear my gal pals will stop inviting me because they think I am hussy who’s going to steal their man. . . . I swear, I am innocent!

I need a fool proof, and discreet way, to knock these suckers out!

The Governess by Rebecca Solomon wikimedia

The Governess by Rebecca Solomon

Bayard:

I can certainly sympathize, Natalie. I seem find myself in this dilemma all the time.

Forget discreet. I suggest you announce loudly that your hubby wasn’t able to attend the party with you because everyone in your swingers group is suffering from a rather persistent strain of syphilis. The only reason you’re well enough to be there is because you were Patient Zero. That should cool the man’s ardor and relieve the women’s fears in one stroke. Or at least it will make for an interesting evening.

Holmes:

Well, Natalie as a first line of defense, you might say something like “Oh, excuse me. I got a text. It’s my husband’s lawyer. Hubby just beat ANOTHER murder rap!”

For the hard core case who doesn’t respond well to that, drop 5 milligrams of powdered Ambien into his drink. He should pass out in a few minutes. If he has had enough alcohol, there’s a chance the Ambien technique will kill him, but his wife must be tired of him by now if he’s that big of a goon. Be sure you don’t touch the glass or be seen adding the powder. In some areas, police actually investigate murders.

As an alternative to a possible murder charge, you could invest in a visit from one of our Spanking Santa teams. Also, if you know enough about him, you could arrange to have him called to a distant emergency prior to your arrival. Someone I know once convinced someone that he would be arrested if he didn’t go immediately to the state police office—70 miles away—and post a small bail for a ticket that he hadn’t even received. It worked like a charm. . . . So I’m told.

State Police Car Matt Zalewski wikimedia

Image by Matt Zalewski, wikimedia commons

Jenny Henson is feeling desperate . . .

How do we fit both an active toddler (and her toys) and the Christmas tree into our living room. It’s hurting bad right now…

Bayard:

Get a four foot tree and tell her the Christmas tree IS the toy. I’m sure she’ll have a great time pulling it over and trashing it. Just be sure the only ornaments you have on it are small stuffed animals and large, unnecessary plastic objects.

Holmes:

Oh gosh. I am envious. Lets prioritize.

In this case, since she is a toddler, I’d say that Christmas is all about her. In a couple of years she’ll be explaining that the only Santas are those crazy guys from Bayard & Holmes that spank and relocate bad guys during the Christmas season. Enjoy her Christmas excitement while you can.

This Christmas should be one of her very best. Do whatever needs to be done to make the tree safe for her without you spending weeks guarding it during her every waking moment. How about a smaller tree this year? One without lights, razor sharp glass bulbs, or toxic chemicals? You can easily tether it to a corner with some stout cord and a minimum of hardware.

Decorate it together with her paper snowflakes or whatever she colors so that it is her art project and she can be proud of it. If anyone else doesn’t like the way your little girl decorates the tree, threaten them with a visit from us. Her version of a decorated tree won’t look as “impressive” as whatever they’re putting up in the White House this year, but anyone not smart enough to tell her that her tree is fantastic should not be allowed in your child’s home any way.

I miss having a young child at home at Christmas time. If you can’t make room for her because of a tree, then you keep the tree and I’ll entertain her for Christmas. If you decide that my wife and I can’t borrow her for Christmas, then please consider taping her on Christmas day and sending us a clip. In fact, I would love to see any of our readers’ children excitedly opening their presents or doing all the other great things they do during the holidays.

Paper Snowflakes IlexSythe wikimedia

Image by IlexSythe, wikimedia commons

Please tell us about your Holiday Survival dilemmas in the comments section below. Nothing warms our hearts during the holiday season like turning your problems into our opportunities. And remember, no question is out of bounds, but our answers might be.

Bayard & Holmes Savoir Faire Consulting Service

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

The Holiday Season is upon us. Soon, life will be a whirlwind of dinner parties and fetes. We realize that we will be the main topic of discussion for many of our readers at these parties, and we’d like to do our best to help our reputations and yours. We’re proud to bring you the Bayard & Holmes Savoir Faire Consulting Service.

image by Ugllbe, wikimedia commons

As a recovering boy from the hood and a bellydancing closet redneck, we are more than qualified to assist anyone, even the most long suffering Je N’ais Pas Faire victim, in developing the necessary social savvy and handy fake veneer of sophistication.

To help you determine precisely how much coaching you’ll need to maximize your social success while mingling with sophisticates, our intelligent, educated, worldly team of Savoir Faire Savants (us) have developed these questions.

A)   You receive a formal invitation for dinner at 8:00 p.m. What do you do?

  1. You arrive at 8:40 p.m. with a re-gift of the same crystal bird statue the hostess gave you six months before.
  2. You arrive at 8:00 p.m. with a bottle of wine and flowers.
  3. You arrive at 7:45 with no wine or flowers and ignore the hostess while hovering over the oven, waiting for the hors d’oeuvres.
  4. You arrive empty-handed at 7:15, compliment the hostess on how great her a$$ looks in her dress, and demand the TV and a cold one.

B)   When you’re seated at the table, you discover an abundance of silverware at each place setting. How do you react?

  1. You point out that they have forgotten to include an oyster fork.
  2. You confidently use the silver in order as each course is served.
  3. You cautiously wait to see which fork the host and hostess use when, and then you mimic them.
  4. I don’t need their utensils. I brought my switchblade.

image by HopefulRomntic, wikimedia commons

C)   The hostess’s aged and not-altogether-there grandmother is attending the party in her wheelchair. She attempts a conversation with you but is having difficulty forming sentences. How do you respond?

  1. Mrs. Vanderbilt, I see you’re not on your medication. And why don’t they dress you properly any more? I’ll get the nurse to attend you.
  2. It’s so good to see you. I always think of our last time together and how much fun we had. You’re looking great this evening.
  3. You quickly grab the elbow of the unattractive, self-important flirter who regaled you with his tales of grandeur and whisper seductively into his ear, “Oh, Chauncey. You must meet the world’s most important business women.” Then you deposit Chauncey with Mrs. Vanderbilt and escape.
  4. You pretend to be her caring nurse and roll her outside behind the garage. You leave her there shivering and pleading for mercy as you return to the party.

D)   A man in a dreadfully tailored tuxedo with the odor of gin on his breath arrives late to the party. While staring at your chest, he attempts to engage you in a plebian conversation concerning politics. How do you respond?

  1. You point him to the kitchen and tell him he is late for work.
  2. You excuse yourself with an urgent but polite tone and seek out conversation elsewhere.
  3. You look down your nose and ask him, “Is that really your tuxedo or did you steal it off a homeless man?”
  4. You whisper seductively, “Come closer,” and when he does, you deliver a hard blow to his head with a candlestick.

E)   You’re feeling sleepy. What do you do?

  1. You announce your departure to everyone, explaining that you can’t stay late tonight because you’re expected at Buckingham Palace in the morning.
  2. You graciously thank your host and hostess for a lovely evening and quietly depart.
  3. You tell your host you’ve had a bit too much to drink, and ask him if he wouldn’t mind having his wife drive you home.
  4. You take the host’s 18-yr-old daughter to the guest bedroom and retire for the evening.

image by Haber1000, wikimedia commons

Now add up your score for your Savoir Faire Social Quotient.

1 = 1;     2 = 2;     3 = 3;     4 = 4

Score of 4 or less

This is not the proper curriculum for you. You might consider some math tutoring.

Score of 5 – 7

You’re an arrogant, insufferable snob. If anyone is still inviting you to parties at this point in your life, we advise that you decline those invitations. They are probably only inviting you in the hopes of drowning you in the pool as a source of amusement for the rest of the guests.

Score of 8 – 16

You’re the sort of person who could most benefit from our Savoir Faire Consulting Service. Stick with us, and you’ll be at the top of the social list in no time.

Score of 17 – 20

Not all the news is bad. For one thing, there is no need for you to attend our Savoir Faire Consulting Service. You’ll almost never find yourself invited to a party, and if you did, it’s unlikely that the penitentiary where you are serving time would grant you a release to attend. Think of the money you’ll save by not having to upgrade your evening wear.

Now that you have your starting point pinned down, we here at Bayard & Holmes stand ready to assist you with all of your Savoir Faire dilemmas.

What was your score? What questions do you have this Holiday Season for our worldly Savoir Faire Savants (us)?