Fun Stuff We Found at Bass Pro

By Piper Bayard

On a recent whim, my family made the trek to the Bass Pro Shop. As always, my daughter DD and I had fun checking out all of the stuff and things. Here are a few of our favorites . . .

MyPhotos Xmas 2013 BBQ Sauces

Now that’s a tough choice.

MyPhotos Xmas DD with Machete

The perfect accessory for every young lady. Move over Machete!

MyPhotos Xmas Hideous Purse w:Cross

No wait . . . Maybe this is the perfect accessory.

MyPhotos Xmas Fish Finders

These are fish finders–in case your worm and expertise aren’t working. Take a look at the price tags. You’re not imagining things. They actually had fish finders that cost over $2k. I’m thinking you could buy a lot of fish for $2k.

MyPhotos Xmas Duck Dynasty Dog Biscuits

Guaranteed to make your dog happy, happy, happy!

MyPhotos Xmas DD Photobomb

Gotta have a DD photo bomb.

MyPhotos Xmas DD on kiddie ATV

Come on, DD. That’s for the three-year-olds.

What fun stuff have you found lately? Come by our Bayard & Holmes site and share in the comments. 

Bayard & Holmes

Fun Stuff We Found at Bass Pro

A Time to Receipt

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

An engaged couple in Anderson County, South Carolina made a purchase at Walmart. Three days later, they saw the face of Jesus in their receipt.

After consulting with internationally renowned apparition experts (us) and experiencing years of low-quality receipts which retain everything except the original ink with which they are printed, we here at Bayard and Holmes recognize this Walmart apparition as the same one that appeared on the famous Cheesus grilled cheese sandwich.

Grilled Cheesus yahoo shopping

image of Grilled Cheesus from Yahoo! Shopping

It is our conclusion that Walmart used a Grilled Cheesus to imprint this receipt with the face of a thirty-something, Middle Eastern Jewish man named Shlomo to lure more customers through the door in the hope that they, too, will receive a Made in China miracle.

Don’t fall for this cheap imitation!

We here at Bayard & Holmes have the highest quality genuine apparitions on the market today. In fact, with our receipts, you aren’t limited to just Jesus, and you aren’t limited to just one.

While it’s true that we currently have no products on the market, we would never let a little thing like that keep us from serving you, our beloved readers. Send us your money in any amount large enough to cover our inconsequential substantial overhead, and we will send you a genuine Bayard & Holmes receipt fit for any home shrine or church reliquary.

Upon your first purchase, you will receive a receipt divinely imprinted with the face of the Virgin Mary. No heavyweight boxer grills here!

Your second purchase will come with a receipt bearing the apparition of the face of Jesus in the race of your choice. (Western European Jesus apparition available for Protestants and Mormons.)

With your third purchase . . . Hold on . . . We send you a receipt with both Mary and Jesus in either the Madonna or the Pieta pose, along with a genuine Bayard & Holmes Certificate of Authentication signed by the priests of our order, the New York Yankees–assuming they don’t notice what they are signing.)

But that’s not all!

With every donation purchase over $5k, you will also receive a complimentary receipt that includes the possibility of a miracle, and a holographic apparition of The Last Supper by Leonardo Da Vinci of The Da Vinci Code fame.

The Last Supper Leonardo Da Vinci

The Last Supper by Leonardo Da Vinci

Just think. Who else but Bayard & Holmes could get you this close to all 12 apostles and Jesus simultaneously for a mere $5k? Why, Walmart and most churches would charge you at least $50k and a lifetime of troublesome rules for this prize.

Lest Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, Atheists,* or any other religious denominations feel left out, you are welcome to substitute your prophet or your favorite sports player for the image of Jesus. We do, however, offer our apologies to Muslims. We will not be able to produce receipts with the image of your prophet, as we do not fancy living out our lives in a federal protective service. You may, however, request the image of your favorite soccer player or political protestor.

So remember, dear readers, when you’re in need of a miracle, think Bayard & Holmes for all of your apparition needs. Bayard & Holmes–because there’s a time to give (to us), and a time to receipt (to you).

*First 500 Atheist donors receive a complimentary genuine faux dinosaur bone relic.

Tactical Holiday Products

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

In anticipation of the holiday season, our tremendous staff in our Bayard & Holmes Tactical Products Division (us) at the Bayard and Holmes Secret Underground Research Complex (Holmes’ basement) spent this fall ignoring political commercials and instead developed the tactical products you need to make your holiday season a safer and happier time.

Tactical Green Slime Ciphers wikimedia

Image by Ciphers, wikimedia commons.

Tactical Green Slime

Our first new product is to help those many individuals and families who are concerned that some of their holiday house guests might snoop about in their medicine cabinets and other private spaces. Ever ready to turn your problems into our opportunities, we are proud to introduce our Tactical Green Slime (“TGS”).

Unlike Sarin Gas and other, cheaper chemical warfare products used by less fashionable chemical warriors, TGS is reasonably priced, easy to deploy, harmless to innocents, and not yet getting any attention from the UN, the DHS, or Donald Rumsfeld that would result in taxpayer-sponsored “shock and awe” at your happy home.

Simply fill an interesting medicine bottle with vitamin tablets. Put on some gloves and spread a little of our colorless, odorless TGS on the outside of the bottle. Leave it front and center in the cabinet.

When a snooper touches the bottle, their hands will pick up a harmless, but hilarious, phosphorescent green glow. The glow is not permanent and should wear off in a few short years.

As you boot the radiant fool out of your house, casually mention that the glow is caused by strontium 90 isotopes (it’s not) and suggest a trip to the nearest ER. Imagine the fun they’ll have waiting in line for two days for a nurse to check them out, and then trying to get themselves released from the psychiatric ward. By the time they get home all of their family, ex-friends and acquaintances should have by then enjoyed a great holiday without them.

Use Tactical Green Slime in your medicine cabinet. Use it on your jewelry case. Use it on your favorite bag of potato chips in your pantry. TGS is the perfect tool for keeping your property safe from your friends and loved ones.

Tactical Green Slime is not sold in any retail store. Medicine bottles and latex gloves sold separately.

Snowman pitcher schneemann wikimedia public domain

Throwman in action. Image by Schneemann, wikimedia commons.

Tactical Frosty the Throwman

And what about those friends and relatives you don’t even want making it to your door? Frosty the Throwman to the rescue! Our new Tactical Frosty is guaranteed to keep the peace in your front yard during this great season of happiness and joy. Our cheerful-looking snowman comes equipped with a recycled Major League Baseball pitching machine that can toss a snowball at up to one hundred miles an hour. A video transmitter in Frosty’s head allows you to aim and fire while sipping hot cider in the comfort of your kitchen. Whatever ideas any local thugs might have had about tossing snowballs near your home will be quickly banished from their dangerous minds as they pick themselves up, bewildered by the lightening-like snowball strike that knocked them on their butts.

With Frosty on the job, your neighborhood should be safer than ever. Snow covered baseballs sold separately.

Tactical Vin Sommeil Profond

Socially graceless guests can be a serious stress at the holidays.

No matter how hard we try, we sometimes end up having to tolerate “those ones in every family” at the Christmas gathering. Have no fear. We have the solution. Literally. Instead of shoving a turkey leg in their pie-holes when they gear up with their diatribes, instead offer them a glass of our 1962 Vin Sommeil Profond, Premiere Cru.

Just one sip of this impressively bottled and labeled concoction that we whipped up in a bathtub last night, and your obnoxious guests will be off in Sommeil Profond Land for a twelve-hour nap. If they begin pontificating again when they awake with a slight headache and severe memory loss, offer them a bit of Hair of the Dog. After two servings, even the most dogmatic ideologue will forget whatever it was they once believed so adamantly and will instead focus on figuring out who they are and why they are in your home. Feel free to have a little fun with this phase.

Creche Demimis wikimedia

Image by Dimimis, wikimedia commons.

Tactical Baby Jesus

It has become a sad new trend for thieves to steal those lovely, plastic baby Jesuses from the nativity scenes that Christmas revelers put on display. With our new Tactical Baby Jesus (“TBJ”), we can put a stop to this ugly trend.

No, this is not baby Superman with superpowers of flying and knocking the crap out of the bad guys. Jesus never hurt anyone, nor did he ever ask anyone to hurt anyone in his name. Therefore, TBJ is completely in character, being equipped with a locator transponder that allows you (and the Department of Homeland Security) to track the Jesus-napper to his or her hideout. Once there, a Federal SWAT team can make a safe recovery after a twelve-hour hostage standoff and return TBJ to your front lawn unharmed.

We hope these fantastic new, reasonably priced Tactical Holiday Products improve the quality of your family celebrations, and we hope selling them to you will improve the quality of ours. Wishing all of our readers a joyous holiday season filled with peace and happiness to all of good will. For those of less good will, you now have some great new tools.

Cheers!

Fun Stuff We Found on Pearl Street

By Piper Bayard

Last week, I had the pleasure of a visit with historical fiction author and publishing attorney Susan Spann. So what did we do? Well, we went shooting, of course, but we also made a stop at Boulder, Colorado’s home of the funky and eccentric. We fit right in. Here are a few things we found at the Pearl Street Mall.

First off, a hat. Don’t tell Best Selling Author Kristen Lamb. It’s her Christmas present. 🙂

Then we came across Fifty Shade of Bacon.

And in case you want a pickle with your bacon . . .

After all of this Bacon Spotting activity, Susan was left with a Frozen Smile.

We also found kitchen gadgets with uses we could not discern.

Me and Gene Simmons, right?

Fifty Shades of Pastry?

And we thought cat hair was useless once it fell off the cat.

An interesting conjunction of cookbooks.

And here’s Susan, embracing the spirit of Pearl Street. Watch for her debut novel, a ninja historical fiction mystery, due out July 16, 2013.

What fun things have you found on vacation?

All the best to all of you for enjoying your surroundings.

 

Goin’ on an Auto Hunt

By Piper Bayard

We’re having a little problem where our son is concerned. The problem is that he isn’t little. In fact, he’s 6’7” and built like a tank. That, in itself, is not a problem, grocery bill aside. The problem is that now that he’s 16, he rightfully wants to drive and he doesn’t fit into any of our cars unless we have the Jaws of Life handy to peel him out. So even though we’d rather drive a car hundreds of thousands of miles just to avoid ever talking with a car salesman, here we are. Goin’ on an Auto Hunt.

This calls to mind some of the fine vehicles I’ve been proud to own. One had doors that only opened from the outside on one side and from the inside on the other so people had to go through the car, not in and out of it. One boiled through the water in the radiator about every 20 miles so I had to travel with a trunk full of water jugs. Another had a front bench seat filled with junk food bags to replace the missing stuffing so people wouldn’t get hurt on the springs when they sat down. 
And don’t even get me started on the ’67 VW Beetle. To this day, I see one of those and think, “Better you than me!”

The first time I bought a car from a dealer rather than a newspaper ad, it was from a friend’s dad. I was so green it never occurred to me that he would soak me. After all, he was my friend’s dad so I didn’t have to do my research, right? It was a great car, but I waaay overpaid. Hubby and I refer to that as the Daddy Fix Me Price. It relieves us of responsibility, but only at a cost.

After a couple of unremarkable used car purchases that didn’t leave us feeling completely fleeced, I redeemed myself for the Daddy Fix Me car. It was our first new car, and I was determined to do it right.

I saw it on the dealer’s lot. A beautiful, moderate sized SUV with AWD for mountain roads and snow. It was even red with standard transmission. Perfect! I looked inside. I sat in it, played with it, let my son crawl around in it, and I walked away without leaving my address or phone number.

Unbeknown to the salesmen at the dealership, I stalked that car for a month. I researched prices, I knew what every competitor would offer me, and I knew a place with a decent non-negotiable price for a similar car that wouldn’t waste my day and my brain space playing good cop/bad cop. I even arranged financing from an alternate source. But more, the car gods were with me. The night before I went in, I saw a late night ad by the car lot that said they would beat any competitor’s price by $500.

I got up the next morning and declared to the woman in the mirror, “It will be mine. Yes! It will be mine.” Then, armed with a pre-written check for $500 under their competitor’s admittedly fair price, with tax, I walked into the first salesman’s office I saw, put the check on his desk and said, “That car. Take it or leave it, and no, I’m not paying handling fees.”

After feeble attempts to jack me up, the salesman took the check and very seriously asked me to never tell my friends about our deal. He didn’t want to meet anyone I would send him. We now have almost 200k miles on that car.

So I’ve done it the wrong way, and I’ve done it the right way. Who knows what I’ll learn this time.

I’d love to hear your car buying stories and your car disaster experiences. When have you done it wrong, and when have you done it right? What lemon cars have you had?

I could also use your input, please. What cars do you know of that have the best leg and head room? Please only recommend cars that start every time you turn the key. I am a mom, after all.

All the best to all of you for stalking your prize.

Fun Stuff We Found Among the 1/10 of 1%

By Piper Bayard

Late in March, my daughter, DD, and I went to Kansas City and played one of our favorite games, the Money is No Object Game. That’s where we go to stores with $1ook items on the shelves and check out how the 1/10 of 1% lives.

We headed to Country Club Plaza, which is a gorgeous copy of Seville, Spain. Literally. J.C. Nichols, the developer, loved Seville and wanted it a bit closer than Spain.

Tiffany’s was the obvious starting point, but the guard at the door is was so serious and attentive that we were convinced we’d be talking with the police if we start taking pictures. We moved on to our favorite store, Hall’s.

Of course, we went to the Jewel Room first. This is DD in a $5k necklace made of cut crystal and gold. It’s a low end item.

The Bucellati pearls woven into 18k gold are a bit more substantial. To put it in perspective, these pieces represent a posh townhouse in Denver.

Who doesn’t need a 4′ alligator accent light for their summer pool party? Only $5.2k.

No reason to enhance the atmosphere with flowers if we’ve got the $6k for this vase.

And in case our $35k place settings need a little sprucing up, we can set out these gold and crystal turtle salt and pepper shakers. The glare in the picture is compliments of Swarovski. . . . Oops! No money left for food. *makes turtle soup*

After the pool party, we moved on to shoes. We were delighted to find that the 1/10 of 1% also has the perfect shoes for people abducted by aliens and returned with delusions of being Tijuana hookers. (And we thought it was just our local mall.)

But these shoes are Jimmy Choo and cost $785. Which makes me think they are actually designed for Colombian hookers to wear when playing Secret Service–Call of Booty.

After critiquing the high dollar dresses and debating whether $35 thank you notes actually convey more gratitude than $10 thank you notes, we split a truffle at the If You Have to Ask You Can’t Afford It brand chocolates counter. Then we exited this glorious tribute to luxury and found a rabbit on the Plaza that needed “bunny ears.”

Do you ever go to stores just to play? What fun stuff do you find?

All the best to all of you for not being blinded by the glitzy turtles.

Funny Stuff We Found at Walgreens

You’ve heard of The People of Walmart? My 14-yr-old darling daughter (“DD”) and I are The People of Walgreens. We love Walgreens. Not only does it meet our snacking and prescription needs, it has lots of stuff that is either unique or so hidden in bigger stores that we would never find it. And it’s not just stuff. It’s funny stuff.

The other day, DD and I were picking up some lemonade when she noticed this fun product for mature folks. . . . The Snuggie taken one step too far. . . . Oh, wait. The Snuggie was already a step too far.

Really? Is this actually a life goal?

At this point, I bribed talked DD into playing Vanna White for a while as we trolled the aisles for other products that gave us a laugh.

It didn’t take us long to find the Cozy Spot, a “Unique Personal Warmer.” . . . Nope. Not going to go there, but look closely at the picture. I’ll leave you to make of that what you will.

Next was the “Appetite Control Spray” with the belly dancer on the box. I assure you, I never knew a belly dancer who used this product, or at least who admitted to it. They get points for inoffensive use of a belly dancer, though.

There aren’t just products for humans that gave us a laugh. Check out the Kiss Me Toy for your pooch. In case you can’t tell from the profile view, DD is holding a stuffed cow head with massive lips.

And lest you think pets are favored over tween girls, check out this Justin Bieber singing toothbrush. Really.

It’s not just the products that amuse us, it’s sometimes their placement. Not sure why this little fella was hiding on a top shelf away from its friends between the Coppertone sunscreen and the bar soap.

Walgreens doesn’t just have funny stuff for the old folks, the pets, and the tweens, it has funny stuff for the tykes, too. Doesn’t every small child need a plush Minnie Mouse Easter basket that’s big enough to hide Jimmy Hoffa?

As long as I don’t contemplate the tribute to egregious consumerism that these stores represent, I always get a laugh out of them.

So I’m curious. Do you have any stores in your area where you find funky stuff? What sort of stuff do you find?

All the best to all of you for not being Forever Lazy.

Piper Bayard