Our Lies and Our Truths. Our Turn to Fess Up.

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

Last week, we asked folks to leave us two lies and one truth, and we did the same. Time now for us to reveal our answers.


It is true that I told Ronald Reagan an off color nun joke, and Reagan enjoyed it.

Reagan called a break in a meeting and requested that a few of us stay behind. After we spoke a bit, he asked, “Do you guys know any good jokes?”

Ronald Reagan

No one else wanted to risk it so I told a somewhat raunchy nun joke. Reagan laughed pretty hard and said, “Wow, you’re really bad.” Then he laughed some more, pointed his finger at me, and said, “I like you.”


It is true that Piper tangled with a well-armed member of Delta Force in a Denny’s parking lot in Texas.

Many years ago, Cpt. Delta, Holmes, and I were all at a meeting of sorts in Somewhere, Texas. To get there, I drove through the night with Cpt. Delta and a couple of other guys. Holmes was not with us.

Before we left on the trip, it was agreed that whoever was driving would control the music. Since Cpt. Delta and I used to prank each other a bit, I carefully selected a few cassette tapes that were calculated to irritate him.

But Cpt. Delta had age and treachery on his side. Come to find out, he so readily agreed to the music arrangement because he had exactly no intention of letting me drive his car. Instead, he kept me awake all night with a little device on his ear that beeped loudly every time he started to nod off to sleep.

I would have thought he was getting back at me for all of the times I called up his work and left PG13 messages for Cpt. Shamu (the killer whale) in my best 1-900 voice. However, he pulled a better one to get back at me for that. But that is another story.

Anyway, I was a bit testy from lack of sleep and in no mood to be diplomatic. He made a rude comment about the punk rocker college kid I was visiting during our stay and speculated as to how that young man might have obtained the money for his Cadillac. Cpt. Delta didn’t realize I had been that kid’s babysitter in my youth. Like any Mama Bear, I got in his face about it.

Holmes and some other guys got out of their car just as I was saying (loudly) something to the effect of, “Cut it the f**k out. . . .” Holmes quickly stepped between us before Cpt. Delta could respond. He smiled at me to distract me while another man asked the object of my ire a question and walked him into the restaurant.

That being said, Cpt. Delta is a wonderful man and a cherished friend, and I had completely forgotten this incident until Holmes reminded me of it. I’m hoping Cpt. Delta forgot about it, too, and that he’s not reading this post. (*waves and smiles*)

Bayard & Holmes

It is true that Holmes stopped Piper from writing, “Are you as dirty as I am?” in the dust on an antique vase at a major art museum.

Monet’s “Water Lilies” at Nelson-Atkins. Not us. Image from flickr.com

Holmes and I were in Kansas City many years ago, he on business, and me visiting family. He had an afternoon off so we went to the Nelson-Atkins Art Museum. Before we got to the amazing antique furniture or the impressionist collection, which is unfortunately within sight of the Kandinsky, we found ourselves alone in a room with an antique green vase. It clearly hadn’t been dusted once since its creation.

I looked at it and did a double take, realizing it was filthy. Then I said, “Hey, Holmes. I’m going to write on that vase.”

I stretched my arm toward its perch, my finger at the ready, but Holmes said, “No. Don’t touch it.”

I proceeded to attempt to persuade him to back me up, but Holmes spent his childhood playing hookey from school in the halls of the New York Metropolitan Museum of Art. That left him with a reverence for good museums. He didn’t want us to chance getting booted out of one for no good reason . . . I thought it was a good reason, but I deferred. Whenever the risk is getting 86ed or worse, everyone has to be on board.

Now it’s your turn. What are the stories behind your truths? If you missed last week’s post, what are your two lies and a truth?

All the best to all of you for a week of tall tales.

Two Lies and a Truth – Come On. Fess Up.

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

You may have heard of the Truth or Lie Game. If not, check out Leanne Shirtliffe’s blog. She’s the Superblogger we stole borrowed this idea from. We highly recommend her seriously funny blog about the ups and downs of parenting twins.

Usually in this game, people give you three choices. Two are truth, and one is a lie. The goal is to figure out which is the lie, and then to leave two truths and a lie of your own in the comments.

Since Holmes and I have more fun telling lies than truths, we’ve turned that around. Below, each category has two lies and one truth. Tell us which ones you think are true, and then give us two lies and a truth of your own. 🙂


  1. Holmes once underwent brutal elite Golf Force training with Tiger Woods in which they spent a Hell Week together at the Augusta Country Club Golf Course. However, Tiger now denies their association, saying he only gave Holmes “a walk and talk tour” of the Country Club parking lot.
  2. Holmes once told an off-color nun joke to Ronald Reagan. Reagan laughed, but discreetly.
  3. Holmes traveled in an Eastern European Circus troupe for several years during the Cold War disguised as a bearded lady until his cover was blown when he was caught urinating (standing up) on the German Stasi headquarters and had to make a quick getaway.


  1. When Piper was sixteen, her family sent her to Austria to join a convent where she trained with an order of nuns that specialized in silent prayer. They kicked her out because she wouldn’t quit dancing and singing show tunes from The Sound of Music.
  2. Before Piper became a belly dancer, she operated a dude ranch in Central Park, Manhattan. Her ranch was raided when an overzealous wannabe cop overheard her talking about her “stable” and the horses for rent, and they mistakenly reported her to the police for illicit activities.
  3. Piper once loudly dressed down a well-armed member of Delta Force in a dark parking lot at a Denny’s in Texas, telling him to “Knock it the f*** off.” (Holmes broke it up. Neither Holmes, Piper, nor any Delta Force members were harmed in the course of the engagement.)

Bayard & Holmes:

  1. Piper and Holmes did the running of the bulls in Pamplona, but they were able to stroll along the course because the bulls were afraid to get close to them.
  2. Piper and Holmes once raced together in the Tour de France, but before they crossed the finish line, they decided they both looked ridiculous in bicycle shorts and instead sold the racing bikes and took their families on a canal tour of Amsterdam.
  3. Holmes once dissuaded Piper from writing “Are you as dirty as I am?” in the dust on an antique vase in a major art museum.

Now it’s your turn. What are your two lies and one truth?

On a slightly different topic, it’s true that Piper is guest posting today over at Nicole Basaraba’s Uni-Verse-City. It’s one of her rare posts about writing. Everything I Need to Know about Writing Sci Fi I Learned from Star Trek.

All the best to all of you for a week of fun lies and appropriate truths.