How Latinas Can End Jihad

By Piper Bayard

Statistically speaking, Middle Eastern countries have waaaay too many men. It just so happens that many Latin American countries have waaay too many women. Mexico, Ecuador, and El Salvador, to name a few. The answer is obvious. Men need women, and women need men. Recruit Latino women to marry Middle Eastern Men.

This calls for a list.

Top Ten Reasons to Recruit Latino Women for Middle Eastern Men:

Image from Wikimedia Commons by AlexR.L.

10.     Latin America is the Chill Out Tourist Mecca.

Mecca meets Mecca. Who better to teach jihadis to chill?

9.       Every Arab’s Rolls Royce calls out for fuzzy dice and hydraulic breaks.

Image from Wikimedia Commons by Jarek Tuszynski.

Picture it. Cheech and Chong have their way with the sheiks’ stables of automobiles. Cool.

8.       No more dull, monotone bhurkas.

What could J Lo and Sophia Vergara do with that fashion statement?

Image from Wikimedia Commons by Nitin Madhav, public domain.

7.       Latino women do everything other women do, and they do it in 4 inch heels.

That’s the kind of heap-big mojo that would bring jihidis to their knees.

6.       Kick-ass cooking.

Green chili falafel with goat tamales in red sauce. Yum!

5.       Camel piñatas

Let’s give these boys a healthy outlet for their violent tendencies.

4.       Great soap operas

Juanita Jamila, la Habibi de la Hafla

“Por favor, Señor Achmed! You promised you would have the chick peas today! If I cannot make my special salsa for the hafla tonight, my evil landlord will kick my family out in the street! We will be homeless! Aaahhhiiiiii!”

Juanita Jamila wails and crumbles to the ground, dissolving into tears. The handsome Jose Abdul rushes to her side.

“Juanita Jamila! My beautiful desert flower! I will save you! I will run your landlord out of town on a rabid camel, and your father will then allow us to marry!”

3.       No Middle Eastern guy named Jesus ever bombed anyone.

2.       Pictures of prophets in Latino culture inspire peace, not death threats.

1.       What do you get when you cross Latino culture with Middle Eastern culture?

Shakira at Rock the Rio image by Andres Arranz

Shakira at Rock the Rio
image by Andres Arranz

Need I say more?