The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Dead Mice Chess Pieces

Taxidermy Chess: Play with Rooks and Dead Rodents

Because jade, onyx, wood, pottery, crystal, resin, plastic and origami chess sets are passé.

Taxidermied Mice Chess Set Etsy

For the rest of the mashup, click on the link below to come to our new website. Remember to subscribe while you’re there. We would hate to lose you in the move.

Bayard & Holmes

The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . .

Dead Mice Chess Pieces

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Having Fun in Bed

By Piper Bayard

I always say the only thing worse than working out is not being able to, and that’s why I go to the gym. Even when we’re doing our best, though, those inevitable illnesses and injuries come along that keep us semi-bedridden for a while. I’m currently going through one of those times myself.

I find the challenge is to keep my spirits up and not give in to thoughts about how long it will take to recuperate, but rather focus on what I can do today. The most important way to accomplish this is to keep up a variety of character building, brain stimulating activities. These are some of the things I’ve found to pass the time during my breaks from reading and writing.

image by Poptart at wikimedia commons

10 Ways to Keep Occupied In Bed

  1. See how close I can roll to the edge of the bed without falling off.
  2. Practice burning the edges of satin ribbons with a lighter without turning them black. (It’s an oddly addictive activity. Don’t judge.)
  3. Make a genuine effort at levitating the dust off of the ceiling fan and into the trash.
  4. Howl back at the neighbor’s dog.
  5. Make prank phone calls from my cell phone to the house phone downstairs.
  6. Watch all episodes of Breaking Bad.
  7. Mourn the fact that there isn’t another season available.
  8. Repeat 6 and 7 with Game of Thrones.
  9. Pause to wonder if J. “R.R.” Tolkien and George “R.R.” Martin are related.
  10. Contemplate changing my name to Piper “R.R.” Bayard and writing high fantasy. Suppose Aaron Paul and Bryan Cranston would star in the movie?

What do you do to keep your mind active when you’re stuck on bedrest?

Besides the obvious, that is. We do keep a PG-13 blog here. 🙂

All the best to all of you for staying gainfully occupied.

Camp Cheerful Summer Camp for Adults

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Inspired by the HAMAS and UN Summer Camps in Gaza, we here at Bayard & Holmes are asking, “Why should Palestinians have all the fun? For that matter, why should kids have all the fun?”

Summer should be a time for fun and relaxation for everyone. There are always a few folks around, though, who will do their best to prevent any fun or relaxation from occurring. It’s those people we had in mind when we conceived the idea of Camp Cheerful.

Situated in a Caribbean location of incomparable beauty and perfect climatic ambiance at the eastern tip of Cuba, with swimming and diving opportunities in Guantanamo Bay, Camp Cheerful is the perfect getaway for those fun-challenged individuals in your life.

So stop for a moment and think. Who has taken a head start on ruining your summer? Is it a hard-drinking relative? A thoughtless, annoying neighbor with three barking dogs and teenagers who party until two a.m.? Perhaps there’s someone in your professional life who doesn’t even wait until summer to spread the agony of her own miserable existence, insisting on sharing the “joy” with everyone around her. Camp Cheerful is just the place to send them to ensure happiness this summer (for you).

All campers will be cheerfully greeted by our Certified Happiness Specialists. We’ve recruited some of the finest soldiers and marines with experience in great vacation resorts like Afghanistan, Iraq, Somalia, the Balkans, and East Los Angeles. These healthy and enthusiastic men and women are well prepared to assist our campers in achieving life-altering experiences.

For your summer enjoyment, all campers’ activities will be live-streamed on the Internet. Our Certified Happiness Specialists have prepared several thrilling activities guaranteed to keep our campers busy all summer long. We’ve updated some of the more traditional, boring summer camp activities to make them far more interesting, and we’ve created a few completely original activities, as well.

After enjoying a morning of rigorous exercise and fasting, the campers will be treated to a thrilling round of bobbing for apples. To make this game a little easier for tired campers, we’ve attached a five pound diving weight to each apple, allowing the apple to settle conveniently at the bottom of the five foot barrel. Our loving camp staff will assist each camper in entering the barrel after securing their wrists with the lanyards the campers wove themselves in arts & crafts class. What could be more cheer-inducing and fulfilling than using their own handiwork in such a practical application?

Many children have memories of the humiliation caused by their failure to ever hit the target on the archery range in summer camp. To avoid that emotional distress, our campers will reverse roles and will act as targets as our staff demonstrates proper archery technique. For safety, each arrow tip will be replaced with steel blunts, and campers will be required to remove all eye wear.

And what summer camp would be complete without a broad array of aquatic activities? Like any good summer camp, we stress safety first. Campers will learn important water survival techniques, such as how to use chicken blood on their swimming trunks as a shark repellant, how to safely tread water for four hours over sharp coral reefs, and how to spend a long day of swimming in the bright Caribbean sun without relying on the crutch of sunscreen. And don’t worry. No life vests allowed!

After a scrumptious lunch of cold gruel and a thirst-quenching draught of water from the local sacred spring of Baca Podrida (translation “Rotting Cow”), the staff will choose the Distinguished Camper of the Day, who will then serve as the star in a thrilling round of Pin the Tail on the Jackass. Given the larger size of some of the campers’ rear ends, the players will be allowed to use nail guns, rather than thumb tacks, to ensure the firm placement of the tails.

Most campers look forward to horseback riding as part of their summer camp activities. In spite of the lack of horses in Guantanamo, we have no intention of disappointing our campers. So we’ll be saddling up the campers for competitive steeplechase exercises. To help encourage those young foals to do their best in clearing those quicksand bogs and barbed wire fences, the “horse” that finishes last will be subjected to an extra round of Pin the Tail on the Jackass.

During our evening campfire time, campers will learn thrilling new songs that they will likely remember the rest of their lives. We’ve contracted with some of the world’s leading songwriters (us) to come up with unique songs that our campers will cherish for a lifetime. A Hundred Broken Bottles of Beer On My Head; Row, Row, Row Your Boat Across the River Styx; I Wanna Go Home (But They’ll Kill Me If I Try), and the trademark Camp Cheerful Song, If You’re Happy When You Suffer, Clap Your Hands.

Please notify us now of who you’re intending to send to Camp Cheerful this year, and we will reserve our special 3’ x 7’ dog kennels luxury suites for their vacation pleasure. Enroll your camper today!

Who would you like to send to Camp Cheerful this year and why?

Two Lies and a Truth – Come On. Fess Up.

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

You may have heard of the Truth or Lie Game. If not, check out Leanne Shirtliffe’s blog. She’s the Superblogger we stole borrowed this idea from. We highly recommend her seriously funny blog about the ups and downs of parenting twins.

Usually in this game, people give you three choices. Two are truth, and one is a lie. The goal is to figure out which is the lie, and then to leave two truths and a lie of your own in the comments.

Since Holmes and I have more fun telling lies than truths, we’ve turned that around. Below, each category has two lies and one truth. Tell us which ones you think are true, and then give us two lies and a truth of your own. 🙂

Holmes:

  1. Holmes once underwent brutal elite Golf Force training with Tiger Woods in which they spent a Hell Week together at the Augusta Country Club Golf Course. However, Tiger now denies their association, saying he only gave Holmes “a walk and talk tour” of the Country Club parking lot.
  2. Holmes once told an off-color nun joke to Ronald Reagan. Reagan laughed, but discreetly.
  3. Holmes traveled in an Eastern European Circus troupe for several years during the Cold War disguised as a bearded lady until his cover was blown when he was caught urinating (standing up) on the German Stasi headquarters and had to make a quick getaway.

Bayard:

  1. When Piper was sixteen, her family sent her to Austria to join a convent where she trained with an order of nuns that specialized in silent prayer. They kicked her out because she wouldn’t quit dancing and singing show tunes from The Sound of Music.
  2. Before Piper became a belly dancer, she operated a dude ranch in Central Park, Manhattan. Her ranch was raided when an overzealous wannabe cop overheard her talking about her “stable” and the horses for rent, and they mistakenly reported her to the police for illicit activities.
  3. Piper once loudly dressed down a well-armed member of Delta Force in a dark parking lot at a Denny’s in Texas, telling him to “Knock it the f*** off.” (Holmes broke it up. Neither Holmes, Piper, nor any Delta Force members were harmed in the course of the engagement.)

Bayard & Holmes:

  1. Piper and Holmes did the running of the bulls in Pamplona, but they were able to stroll along the course because the bulls were afraid to get close to them.
  2. Piper and Holmes once raced together in the Tour de France, but before they crossed the finish line, they decided they both looked ridiculous in bicycle shorts and instead sold the racing bikes and took their families on a canal tour of Amsterdam.
  3. Holmes once dissuaded Piper from writing “Are you as dirty as I am?” in the dust on an antique vase in a major art museum.

Now it’s your turn. What are your two lies and one truth?

On a slightly different topic, it’s true that Piper is guest posting today over at Nicole Basaraba’s Uni-Verse-City. It’s one of her rare posts about writing. Everything I Need to Know about Writing Sci Fi I Learned from Star Trek.

All the best to all of you for a week of fun lies and appropriate truths.