Fun Stuff We Found at Bass Pro

By Piper Bayard

On a recent whim, my family made the trek to the Bass Pro Shop. As always, my daughter DD and I had fun checking out all of the stuff and things. Here are a few of our favorites . . .

MyPhotos Xmas 2013 BBQ Sauces

Now that’s a tough choice.

MyPhotos Xmas DD with Machete

The perfect accessory for every young lady. Move over Machete!

MyPhotos Xmas Hideous Purse w:Cross

No wait . . . Maybe this is the perfect accessory.

MyPhotos Xmas Fish Finders

These are fish finders–in case your worm and expertise aren’t working. Take a look at the price tags. You’re not imagining things. They actually had fish finders that cost over $2k. I’m thinking you could buy a lot of fish for $2k.

MyPhotos Xmas Duck Dynasty Dog Biscuits

Guaranteed to make your dog happy, happy, happy!

MyPhotos Xmas DD Photobomb

Gotta have a DD photo bomb.

MyPhotos Xmas DD on kiddie ATV

Come on, DD. That’s for the three-year-olds.

What fun stuff have you found lately? Come by our Bayard & Holmes site and share in the comments. 

Bayard & Holmes

Fun Stuff We Found at Bass Pro

Frosty the Throwman & Other Tactical Holiday Products

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

In anticipation of the holiday season, our tremendous staff in our Bayard & Holmes Tactical Products Division (us) at the Bayard and Holmes Secret Underground Research Complex (Holmes’s basement) spent this fall ignoring social media memes and developing the tactical products you need to make your holiday season a safer and happier time.

Snowman pitcher schneemann wikimedia public domain

To learn about our Frosty the Throwman Snowball Protection System, Vin de Sommeil Relative Stress Reducer, and Tactical Baby Jesus, click on the link below to go to our new Bayard & Holmes website. Remember to subscribe while you’re there. We don’t want to lose you in the move.

Bayard & Holmes

Frosty the Throwman

and Other Tactical Holiday Products

The DHS Trigger Word Challenge!

By Piper Bayard

It’s out! The Department of Homeland Security released the list of words that trigger Homeland Security unwarranted monitoring of our social media. What a great opportunity to have a bit of fun by playing the DHS Trigger Word Challenge.

%22GAME%22 on keyboard Canstock

Below is the list of my favorite words that I pulled from the Department of Homeland Security Analyst’s Desktop Binder. How many of them can you use in a sentence? Just to make sure that 20-something dropout at the NSA-contracted private corporation doesn’t get confused and think you’re a jihadi terrorist, be sure to include the word “bacon” in your sentence. Have fun! And don’t worry that you will get the DHS on your tail by commenting here. PRISM already has you covered. 🙂

From the Department of Homeland Security National Operations Center Media Monitoring Capability Desktop Reference Binder:

Interstate                         Authorities                    Initiative                    Facility

Southwest                        Worm                              2600                           Cloud

Drill                                   Cancelled                      Leak                             Smart

Exercise                            Help                               Burst                            Trojan

Cops                                   Recovery                       Crash                           Twister

Police                                 Recall                            Agriculture                 Sick

Exposure                           Flu                                  Wave                            Swine

Tamiflu                             Vaccine                          Strain                          Airport

Watch                               Closure                            Metro                          Power

Subway                              Electric                           Failure                        Dock

Relief                                  Delays                            Mexico                       Drug

Marijuana                         Border                            Twister                       Snow

Ice                                        Bust                               Pirates                        Plot

and my personal favorite . . .                                  Social media

Remember . . . Only one sentence, and include the word “bacon.” Go! 🙂

Post-Apocalyptic Management Services

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

There’s been much ado made about the end of the Mayans’ 13th b’ak’tun this Friday. The Mayans, themselves, are a bit baffled as to why the Western world is making such a fuss about it. All it means to them is that they flip their calendar back to the Mayan b’ak’tun equivalent of January.

Mayan zodiac circle wikimedia

image from wikimedia commons

However, Wikileaks has recently pilfered some highly classified documents that indicate Hugo Chavez is stocking up on Kool-Aid. We think that, if the internationally acknowledged Ass of the Apocalypse is in preparation for the end of the world, perhaps we should be asking a few questions.

For example, how well do we really know these Mayans? About the only thing we do know about them for sure is that they Occupied their own Wall Street with a Tea Party until they had no civilization left. They’ve already had their apocalypse so failing to predict the end of our world would not be their first mistake. What if they are wrong, and the apocalypse really is coming at the end of their 13th b’ak’tun?

With the risk of an unpredicted Armageddon looming on the horizon, planning can be a bit overwhelming and uncertain. What do I need to do first? What should I wear? How do I secure the best possible post-apocalyptic future for my family?

Not to worry. Bayard & Holmes are here to help you rest easy, so to speak. Our Celestial Aftercare Services Division offers a full range of Five Star Post-Apocalypse Services and Products to help you make sure you’re not left out of the good life in the afterlife.

One of your highest priorities will be to present the most admirable image to the afterlife administrators of your personal religious preference. Whether you’re impressing St. Peter to get through the Pearly Gates or Charon to ferry you to the Elysian Fields, one thing is certain.  The last thing you want to do is show up on the big day with all sorts of material wealth to explain.

 Charon and Psyche by John Roddam Spencer Stanhope

All that earthly junk is of no use to you after the Apocalypse, and probably not all that useful to you now, so you’ll want to safely dispose of that embarrassing material wealth before the big day. We’re happy to help you polish up your image by removing that wealth to our auction warehouse a safe location, far away from you and your reputation in time for Judgment Day.

Some of our more pragmatic readers may be asking “What if the Mayans were right? What if the end of the b’ak’tun only means you reset the calendar, and the universe continues as usual?”

Not a problem. With our vast experience in Celestial Aftercare Services, we’re ready for this eventuality. In the event that there is no apocalypse, we’ll refund your wealth, minus a modest storage fee.

With your problem of material wealth resolved, your next priority is arranging for a happy post-apocalyptic social life. What sort of souls will you be flying with in the afterlife? Will their music be too loud? Will their jokes go stale after a few millenniums? What if they pick their teeth with their pocketknives or blow their noses onto the sidewalk? Do you want to spend eternity surrounded by under socialized celestial masses? Of course not.

Fortunately, as a Bayard and Holmes Celestial Aftercare Customer, for a small handling fee, you’ll be entitled to free social screening for your entire family. All you have to do is fill out a brief nine hundred question survey to determine the most compatible social contacts for you in the afterlife. Eternity is a long, long time. Why risk spending it with insufferable idiots?

And what about entertainment? Will you be able to get box seats at your favorite celestial sporting events? Will you get stuck sitting in the 14,782nd row of the Heavenly Opera House trying to hear Caruso sing your favorite Italian opera? Or worse yet, will you be diverted to the German opera house to listen to Wagner for agonizing centuries while you wait for an intermission? And what about restaurants? Will you get a decent table for steak and lobster, or will you be forced to catch a salty, mystery meat burrito at a food cart?

Mystery Burrito Tubezone wikimedia

image by Tubezone, wikimedia commons

For an inconsequential additional fee, you can receive a Bayard and Holmes VIP Gold Membership Card, which will entitle you to red carpet services wherever you go in the afterlife. Without proper planning heaven can start feeling like hell. Don’t risk it! You deserve the finest services and accommodations, and we’re here to make sure you get them.

Contact us now to prepare for that unpredicted Mayan Apocalypse, or whichever surprise Apocalypse might visit us in the coming year. Don’t leave your afterlife future at risk!

What accommodations and privileges would you like us to arrange for you in your afterlife?

Tactical Holiday Products

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

In anticipation of the holiday season, our tremendous staff in our Bayard & Holmes Tactical Products Division (us) at the Bayard and Holmes Secret Underground Research Complex (Holmes’ basement) spent this fall ignoring political commercials and instead developed the tactical products you need to make your holiday season a safer and happier time.

Tactical Green Slime Ciphers wikimedia

Image by Ciphers, wikimedia commons.

Tactical Green Slime

Our first new product is to help those many individuals and families who are concerned that some of their holiday house guests might snoop about in their medicine cabinets and other private spaces. Ever ready to turn your problems into our opportunities, we are proud to introduce our Tactical Green Slime (“TGS”).

Unlike Sarin Gas and other, cheaper chemical warfare products used by less fashionable chemical warriors, TGS is reasonably priced, easy to deploy, harmless to innocents, and not yet getting any attention from the UN, the DHS, or Donald Rumsfeld that would result in taxpayer-sponsored “shock and awe” at your happy home.

Simply fill an interesting medicine bottle with vitamin tablets. Put on some gloves and spread a little of our colorless, odorless TGS on the outside of the bottle. Leave it front and center in the cabinet.

When a snooper touches the bottle, their hands will pick up a harmless, but hilarious, phosphorescent green glow. The glow is not permanent and should wear off in a few short years.

As you boot the radiant fool out of your house, casually mention that the glow is caused by strontium 90 isotopes (it’s not) and suggest a trip to the nearest ER. Imagine the fun they’ll have waiting in line for two days for a nurse to check them out, and then trying to get themselves released from the psychiatric ward. By the time they get home all of their family, ex-friends and acquaintances should have by then enjoyed a great holiday without them.

Use Tactical Green Slime in your medicine cabinet. Use it on your jewelry case. Use it on your favorite bag of potato chips in your pantry. TGS is the perfect tool for keeping your property safe from your friends and loved ones.

Tactical Green Slime is not sold in any retail store. Medicine bottles and latex gloves sold separately.

Snowman pitcher schneemann wikimedia public domain

Throwman in action. Image by Schneemann, wikimedia commons.

Tactical Frosty the Throwman

And what about those friends and relatives you don’t even want making it to your door? Frosty the Throwman to the rescue! Our new Tactical Frosty is guaranteed to keep the peace in your front yard during this great season of happiness and joy. Our cheerful-looking snowman comes equipped with a recycled Major League Baseball pitching machine that can toss a snowball at up to one hundred miles an hour. A video transmitter in Frosty’s head allows you to aim and fire while sipping hot cider in the comfort of your kitchen. Whatever ideas any local thugs might have had about tossing snowballs near your home will be quickly banished from their dangerous minds as they pick themselves up, bewildered by the lightening-like snowball strike that knocked them on their butts.

With Frosty on the job, your neighborhood should be safer than ever. Snow covered baseballs sold separately.

Tactical Vin Sommeil Profond

Socially graceless guests can be a serious stress at the holidays.

No matter how hard we try, we sometimes end up having to tolerate “those ones in every family” at the Christmas gathering. Have no fear. We have the solution. Literally. Instead of shoving a turkey leg in their pie-holes when they gear up with their diatribes, instead offer them a glass of our 1962 Vin Sommeil Profond, Premiere Cru.

Just one sip of this impressively bottled and labeled concoction that we whipped up in a bathtub last night, and your obnoxious guests will be off in Sommeil Profond Land for a twelve-hour nap. If they begin pontificating again when they awake with a slight headache and severe memory loss, offer them a bit of Hair of the Dog. After two servings, even the most dogmatic ideologue will forget whatever it was they once believed so adamantly and will instead focus on figuring out who they are and why they are in your home. Feel free to have a little fun with this phase.

Creche Demimis wikimedia

Image by Dimimis, wikimedia commons.

Tactical Baby Jesus

It has become a sad new trend for thieves to steal those lovely, plastic baby Jesuses from the nativity scenes that Christmas revelers put on display. With our new Tactical Baby Jesus (“TBJ”), we can put a stop to this ugly trend.

No, this is not baby Superman with superpowers of flying and knocking the crap out of the bad guys. Jesus never hurt anyone, nor did he ever ask anyone to hurt anyone in his name. Therefore, TBJ is completely in character, being equipped with a locator transponder that allows you (and the Department of Homeland Security) to track the Jesus-napper to his or her hideout. Once there, a Federal SWAT team can make a safe recovery after a twelve-hour hostage standoff and return TBJ to your front lawn unharmed.

We hope these fantastic new, reasonably priced Tactical Holiday Products improve the quality of your family celebrations, and we hope selling them to you will improve the quality of ours. Wishing all of our readers a joyous holiday season filled with peace and happiness to all of good will. For those of less good will, you now have some great new tools.

Cheers!

Fun Stuff We Found on Pearl Street

By Piper Bayard

Last week, I had the pleasure of a visit with historical fiction author and publishing attorney Susan Spann. So what did we do? Well, we went shooting, of course, but we also made a stop at Boulder, Colorado’s home of the funky and eccentric. We fit right in. Here are a few things we found at the Pearl Street Mall.

First off, a hat. Don’t tell Best Selling Author Kristen Lamb. It’s her Christmas present. 🙂

Then we came across Fifty Shade of Bacon.

And in case you want a pickle with your bacon . . .

After all of this Bacon Spotting activity, Susan was left with a Frozen Smile.

We also found kitchen gadgets with uses we could not discern.

Me and Gene Simmons, right?

Fifty Shades of Pastry?

And we thought cat hair was useless once it fell off the cat.

An interesting conjunction of cookbooks.

And here’s Susan, embracing the spirit of Pearl Street. Watch for her debut novel, a ninja historical fiction mystery, due out July 16, 2013.

What fun things have you found on vacation?

All the best to all of you for enjoying your surroundings.

 

Savoir Faire Consulting Service

The Holiday Season is fast approaching. Soon, life will be a whirlwind of dinner parties and fetes. We realize that we will be the main topic of discussion for many of our readers at these parties, and we’d like to do our best to help our reputations and yours. We’re proud to introduce to you today the new Bayard & Holmes Savoir Faire Consulting Service.

As a recovering boy from the hood and a bellydancing closet redneck, we are more than qualified to assist anyone, even the most long suffering Je N’ais Pas Faire victim, in developing the necessary social savvy and handy fake veneer of sophistication.

To help you determine precisely how much coaching you’ll need to maximize your social success while mingling with sophisticates during the holiday season, our intelligent, educated, worldly team of Savoir Faire Savants (us) have developed the following quiz.

A)   Which of the following sentences best reflects how you handle wardrobe issues?

(Men)

  1. What sort of slob would go out without his white shirt and cufflinks?
  2.  I like cufflinks, but some of my white shirts have buttons.
  3. White shirts are ok, but a little color never killed anybody.
  4. I never go to a party without wearing my Hawaiian shirt.

(Women)

You shopped for three days to find the perfect dress. The hostess compliments you on it when you walk in. Your response is . . . .

  1. This thing? I almost gave it to the maid, but I decided to wear it once first so that she would value it more.
  2. Why, thank you. You’re too kind.
  3. I almost fired my shopping assistant for bringing this thing home, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings so I wore it tonight.
  4. It fit perfectly into the pocket of my knock-off Louis Vuitton purse when I ducked into the fitting room. The eighty-year-old Walmart security guard didn’t stand a chance.

Choose the most accurate sentence that describes your attitude and behavior at an evening social event.

B)   When you’re seated at the table, you discover an abundance of silverware at each place setting. How do you react?

  1. You point out that they have forgotten to include an oyster fork.
  2. You confidently use the silver in order as each course is served.
  3. You cautiously wait to see which fork the host and hostess use when, and then you mimic them.
  4. I brought my switchblade. I don’t need their utensils.

C)   You receive a formal invitation stating that dinner will begin at 8:00 p.m. What do you do?

  1. You arrive at 8:40 p.m. with a re-gift of the same crystal bird statue the hostess had given you six months before. When she welcomes you, you tell her that you’re glad you could help improve her party with your presence.
  2. You arrive at 8:15 p.m. with a bottle of wine and flowers.
  3. You arrive at 7:45 with no wine or flowers and ignore the hostess while hovering over the oven, waiting for the hors d’oeuvres.
  4. You arrive empty-handed at 7:15, compliment the hostess on how great her ass looks in her dress, ask for the TV, and demand a cold one.

D)   The hostess’s very aged and not altogether coherent grandmother is attending the party in her wheelchair. She attempts a conversation with you but is having difficulty forming sentences. How do you respond?

  1. Mrs. Vanderbilt, I see you’re not on your medication. And why don’t they dress you properly any more? I’ll see if I can find someone to attend to you.
  2. It’s so good to see you. I always think of our last time together and how much fun we had. You’re looking great this evening.
  3. You quickly walk away; grab the elbow of the overly ambitious and not too attractive self-important flirter who had been regaling you with his tales of grandeur, whispering seductively into his ear, “Oh, Chauncey. I want to introduce you to one of the world’s most important business women.” Then you deposit Chauncey with Mrs. Vanderbilt and escape back to the party.
  4. You pretend to be her caring nurse and roll her outside behind the garage in her state of light dress and leave her shivering there pleading for mercy as you return to the party.

E)   A man in a dreadfully tailored tuxedo with the unpleasant odor of an unfashionable brand of gin on his breath arrives late to the party. While staring at your chest, he attempts to engage you in a plebian conversation concerning politics. How do you respond?

  1. You point him to the kitchen and tell him he is late for work.
  2. You excuse yourself with an urgent but polite tone and seek out conversation elsewhere.
  3. In a condescending tone, you ask him, “Is that really your tuxedo or did you steal it off a homeless man?”
  4. You whisper seductively, “Come closer,” and when he does, you deliver a hard blow to his head with a candlestick.
F)   You’re feeling sleepy. What do you do?
  1. You announce your departure to everyone with the explanation that you can’t stay late tonight because you’re expected at Buckingham Palace in the morning.
  2. You graciously thank your host and hostess for a lovely evening and quietly depart.
  3. You tell your host you’ve had a bit too much to drink, and ask him if he wouldn’t mind having his wife drive you home?
  4. You take the host’s 18-yr-old daughter to the guest bedroom and retire for the evening.

Now add up your score for your Savoir Faire Social Quotient.

1 = 1

2 = 2

3 = 3

4 = 4

Score of 5 or less – This is not the proper curriculum for you. You might consider some math tutoring.

Score of 6 – 9 – You’re an arrogant, insufferable snob. If anyone is still inviting you to parties at this point in your life, we advise that you decline those invitations. They are probably only inviting you in the hopes of drowning you in the pool as a source of amusement for the rest of the guests.

Score of 10 – 20 – You’re the sort of person who could most benefit from our Savoir Faire Consulting Service. Stick with us, and you’ll be at the top of the social list in no time.

Score of 21 – 24 – Not all the news is bad. For one thing, there is no need for you to attend the Bayard & Holmes Savoir Faire Consulting Service. You’ll almost never find yourself invited to a party, and if you did, it’s unlikely that the penitentiary where you are serving time would grant you a release to attend. Think of the money you’ll save by not having to upgrade your evening wear.

Now that you have your starting point pinned down, we here at Bayard & Holmes stand ready to assist you with all of your Savoir Faire dilemmas.

What was your score? What questions do you have this Holiday Season for our worldly Savoir Faire Savants (us)?

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes–Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points

Rockin the Road

Last week, I was reading The Road. It reminded me of unemployment and got me thinking about going vegetarian. Since then, I’ve worked a bit of meat back into my diet, but I think cuts with bones may always give me pause.

Anyway, the unemployment road isn’t quite as grim as the post-apocalyptic devastation in the book. In fact, I can honestly say that I laughed more there than anywhere else at any time of my life. Thought I’d share with you some of the ways I found to have fun on The Road.

I categorize these into two groups. Things to do that don’t mess with other people, and things to do that involve messing with other people or might kind of sort of be illegal. Ok. That might sound a little mean, but let’s be honest. The cheapest entertainment around is pulling people’s chains, only I prefer to call it “sociological research.” So here are a couple of lists. . . .

Fun Things to Do That Don’t Really Mess with People

  • The most obvious is getting together with your friends and pooling your edible resources for dinner. Grilled cheese sandwiches go really well with the five year old applesauce someone had in the back corner of the pantry.
  • Pool your drinkable resources and let the singing, dancing, drumming, and laughter commence. Do this in public places, and people might even give you money.
  • Rediscover doodling. All it takes is a pen, a piece of paper, and a lot of boredom.
  • Take the chance to educate yourself and go to the zoo and museum free days in your area. If you want to go, and it’s not a free day, call ahead and talk with the manager. Tell him you’re unemployed and can’t pay, and ask him if you can come anyway. You might mention you’re applying for a job that requires you to know a lot about Egyptian mummies or the history of cereal boxes, or whatever, and it would really help you to review their collection. Hey. You never know when you might need to doodle up that Quisp alien for a job interview, right?
  • Collect anything you can part with and go in with your friends for a booth at the open air flea market. For you flea market noobs, here’s how it’s done. Do not price your items. Have an idea of what you want, and then watch the crowd. If it’s early in the day, and someone makes a beeline through two toddlers and an old lady to get to your table, increase the price accordingly. If it’s the end of the day, and someone has a nominal interest, take the minimum. Just give it a try. You’ll get the hang of it.
  • Cut your hair and make jewelry out of it to sell at said flea market. It’s actually a time-honored art (see below).

Fun Things to Do That Mess with People or are Sort of Maybe a Little Illegal, aka Sociological Research

  • Pair up as a couple and pretend to be Big Daddy gambler and his Little Darlin’. Dress casually, but cleanly, and be confident. Many people with real money, and I mean REAL money, don’t give a crap what they’re wearing as long as it’s clean and comfortable. Go to the Lexus dealership, and tell them you’re looking for a car, you’re going to pay cash, and you want to test drive the best they’ve got. You plan to head to Atlantic City tomorrow, and you really don’t want to go through the TSA grope again. Enjoy riding around in those fancy cars all day. Be sure to sneer at any cheap, plastic trim, and indulge in all of the coffee and pastries they’ll bring you. Oh. And pick the designer interior before you walk out without leaving your number. . . . Yes, I’ve done this, and I can tell you, the salesmen will drool. Just be careful not to break character under any circumstances.
  • For ladies, you can do a similar thing with jewelry, but you don’t need to be as elaborate. Just act like you belong there as you try on those $50k jewels. Ask about their Buccellati collection, and be sure to get the clerk’s business card. (Had great fun doing this with my daughter just the other day, in fact.) If you like looking at beautiful, high-end jewelry, click here for their collection.
  • Put on those clothes that you’ve been washing with soap you stole from a public bathroom because you can’t afford laundry detergent. Have a contest with your friends to see who can scare the most people into locking their cars doors by just walking past them. No fair making gestures or mean faces, other than the mean faces people get when they can’t afford soap, that is.
  • Build a fire in a barrel and throw in different stuff you find in it to see what happens. You can do the same in a metal bowl in your house if you don’t have a barrel or a yard. I found Vitamin E pills are kind of cool for this. You can see the stuff inside the capsules bubble a while just before they pop. Keep your face back, though. Use your cheap sunglasses as eye protection, and keep a fire extinguisher handy.
  • And one of my personal favorites . . . tie a long thread of fishing line to an old purse. Leave the purse beside the road and hide, holding the other end of the line. When someone stops to pick up the purse, wait until they’re bent over and their fingers are almost touching it, and pull it just out of their reach. See how long it is before they figure out they’re being punked, and then enjoy a good belly laugh. One caution, though. Some people can get really pissed off by this one so be ready to run like hell if you have to.

You see? Just because you’re on The Road, it doesn’t mean you can’t have fun.

All the best to all of you for a week of cheap fun.

Piper Bayard