The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe

 Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe Sandwich. Yes, It’s Real.

Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe Chicken Charlie's

This is what happens when we no longer have Twinkies to fry.

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Stacy Green is hosting Kassandra Lamb at her site for Thriller Thursday, and Kassandra is asking, Narcissist or Psychopath?

We’ve all been hearing about PRISM this past week–the NSA program that collects all of our electronic data and scrutinizes it without probable cause or warrants. But it’s not just the US. Five countries, the US, UK, New Zealand, Australia, and Canada, are known in the government and intelligence agencies as the “Five Eyes.” The alliances between the intelligence agencies of these five countries effectively allows them to circumvent any prohibitions against spying on their OWN citizens in that they spy on EACH OTHERS’ citizens and share the information on a “massive spy cloud.” PRISM: Concerns Over Government Tyranny are Legitimate by Kim Dotcom at The Guardian.

FIRELANDS Cover

An interview with . . . me! Historical fiction author Susan Spann got me to spill about this month’s dystopian thriller release, FIRELANDS, and forced me to reveal my favorite childhood story. No offense, New Yorkers. An Interview with Piper Bayard!

Heather Konik is holding a contest over at Prawn & Quartered. Submit a question for her site mascot, Murdock from the A-Team, and enter to win a $20 Amazon gift card. New Contest: Interview with the Site Mascot

The fascinating Miss Violet Jessop survived not one, but 3 shipwrecks. The Face That Sunk a Thousand Ships (Well 3, Anyway) by Colin Falconer.

A Cheerios commercial with a bi-racial couple caused quite the stir, generating so many hateful, racist comments that Cheerios had to turn off the comments at YouTube. While that’s disturbing, there have been a couple of great LOL spoofs–the silver lining.

This video shows the original commercial and Deon Cole’s hysterical parody take on it:

And then we have this seam-splitter from Kenji America:

Congratulations to best selling author Kristen Lamb! She just finished her third book about social media, Rise of the Machines, and it’s outstanding. Check out her cover art by Corey Clubb of Go Bold Designs, the same fellow who did the art for Firelands. Change–Resistance is Futile

Rise of the Machines Cover

The Blessings of a Botched Piano Recital, in which Nina Badzin tells about my stage trauma and the lessons we can learn from it.

Father’s Day is this Sunday. Our guest blogger and soon-to-be regular at Social In Worldwide, K.B. Owen, shares Dad’s Secret to Great BBQ Chicken.

And if you’re still wondering about the perfect gift for Dad . . . Look no further! This will at least give him a great belly laugh. When Words Aren’t Enough–Say It With Bacon

Campaign Style Poll Daddy of the Week:

All the best to all of you for a week of tasty treats.

Piper Bayard

The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Sexcereal

Sexcereal

Sex and breakfast cereal. Who’d have thought? I wonder what happens if you eat the wrong one.

Click here for the article. . . .

Does Sex Cereal, A New Breakfast Granola, Really Boost Sex Drive?

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Jay Donovan of Techsurgeons, LLC teaches an outstanding class in Internet Safety. His next one is March 28, and I highly recommend it. Jenny Hansen at More Cowbell gives us a preview. 5 Internet Security Tips to Help You (and Your Data) Stay Safe

Most bloggers I know want to be generous in approving comments, Holmes and I included. But at what point do we say enough is enough when people leave “passionate” comments? Lisa Hall-Wilson asks, Free Speech and Trolls: Where Do We Draw the Line?

March has been a busy month in criminal history. Stacy Green gives us the recap. Thriller Thursday: This Month In Criminal History

image from Library of Congress

image from Library of Congress

Espionage, The Red Planet, and Ah-nold. Catie Rhodes takes us back with Total Recall.

Wise words from K.M. Huber on being in the moment. Staying and Straying: The Tension of Two

Getting it Up, Keeping it Up: The Conundrum for Indie Authors by New York Times Best Selling Author Bob Mayer.

This one will have you laughing. Teen Running from Cop Picks Wrong House for Hiding

As someone who is techno-averse, I found this French commercial hysterical.

And just in case you’ve forgotten the ridiculous rhetoric of political campaigns, our Poll Daddy of the week.

All the best to all of you for a satisfying week.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Post-Apocalyptic Management Services

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

There’s been much ado made about the end of the Mayans’ 13th b’ak’tun this Friday. The Mayans, themselves, are a bit baffled as to why the Western world is making such a fuss about it. All it means to them is that they flip their calendar back to the Mayan b’ak’tun equivalent of January.

Mayan zodiac circle wikimedia

image from wikimedia commons

However, Wikileaks has recently pilfered some highly classified documents that indicate Hugo Chavez is stocking up on Kool-Aid. We think that, if the internationally acknowledged Ass of the Apocalypse is in preparation for the end of the world, perhaps we should be asking a few questions.

For example, how well do we really know these Mayans? About the only thing we do know about them for sure is that they Occupied their own Wall Street with a Tea Party until they had no civilization left. They’ve already had their apocalypse so failing to predict the end of our world would not be their first mistake. What if they are wrong, and the apocalypse really is coming at the end of their 13th b’ak’tun?

With the risk of an unpredicted Armageddon looming on the horizon, planning can be a bit overwhelming and uncertain. What do I need to do first? What should I wear? How do I secure the best possible post-apocalyptic future for my family?

Not to worry. Bayard & Holmes are here to help you rest easy, so to speak. Our Celestial Aftercare Services Division offers a full range of Five Star Post-Apocalypse Services and Products to help you make sure you’re not left out of the good life in the afterlife.

One of your highest priorities will be to present the most admirable image to the afterlife administrators of your personal religious preference. Whether you’re impressing St. Peter to get through the Pearly Gates or Charon to ferry you to the Elysian Fields, one thing is certain.  The last thing you want to do is show up on the big day with all sorts of material wealth to explain.

 Charon and Psyche by John Roddam Spencer Stanhope

All that earthly junk is of no use to you after the Apocalypse, and probably not all that useful to you now, so you’ll want to safely dispose of that embarrassing material wealth before the big day. We’re happy to help you polish up your image by removing that wealth to our auction warehouse a safe location, far away from you and your reputation in time for Judgment Day.

Some of our more pragmatic readers may be asking “What if the Mayans were right? What if the end of the b’ak’tun only means you reset the calendar, and the universe continues as usual?”

Not a problem. With our vast experience in Celestial Aftercare Services, we’re ready for this eventuality. In the event that there is no apocalypse, we’ll refund your wealth, minus a modest storage fee.

With your problem of material wealth resolved, your next priority is arranging for a happy post-apocalyptic social life. What sort of souls will you be flying with in the afterlife? Will their music be too loud? Will their jokes go stale after a few millenniums? What if they pick their teeth with their pocketknives or blow their noses onto the sidewalk? Do you want to spend eternity surrounded by under socialized celestial masses? Of course not.

Fortunately, as a Bayard and Holmes Celestial Aftercare Customer, for a small handling fee, you’ll be entitled to free social screening for your entire family. All you have to do is fill out a brief nine hundred question survey to determine the most compatible social contacts for you in the afterlife. Eternity is a long, long time. Why risk spending it with insufferable idiots?

And what about entertainment? Will you be able to get box seats at your favorite celestial sporting events? Will you get stuck sitting in the 14,782nd row of the Heavenly Opera House trying to hear Caruso sing your favorite Italian opera? Or worse yet, will you be diverted to the German opera house to listen to Wagner for agonizing centuries while you wait for an intermission? And what about restaurants? Will you get a decent table for steak and lobster, or will you be forced to catch a salty, mystery meat burrito at a food cart?

Mystery Burrito Tubezone wikimedia

image by Tubezone, wikimedia commons

For an inconsequential additional fee, you can receive a Bayard and Holmes VIP Gold Membership Card, which will entitle you to red carpet services wherever you go in the afterlife. Without proper planning heaven can start feeling like hell. Don’t risk it! You deserve the finest services and accommodations, and we’re here to make sure you get them.

Contact us now to prepare for that unpredicted Mayan Apocalypse, or whichever surprise Apocalypse might visit us in the coming year. Don’t leave your afterlife future at risk!

What accommodations and privileges would you like us to arrange for you in your afterlife?

The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Aporkalypse – Global Bacon Shortage

When I first saw this, I realized that the extremist Jewish peace organization, Sons of Isaac, and the extremist Islamic peace organization, Sons of Ishmael, have teamed up with activist group, Vegetarians for Peace. The serene triumvirate, in an effort to bring about that elusive thing known on beauty pageants as “world peace,” banned together around their only common belief, which is that bacon is unclean or just plain evil. Calling themselves the Children of Abraham and People Who Love Miss Piggy, they conspired to strengthen inter-cultural unity by somehow creating a drought that led to a shortage of pig feed, which led to a shortage of pigs and will, therefore, create a shortage of bacon for bacophiles around the world next year. This solves any remaining mystery of global warming and gives the rest of the world good reason to stick our heads in the oven.

image from wikimedia

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Monday, we wrote up our Wish-We’d-Missed Connections and asked you which one you thought was false. Forty-six percent of you voted for the “Creep Out on Aisle Nine” as the false story, and you are correct. Miss “Je Ne Sais Quoi” is something that has happened more than once. Also, I’m sorry to say that the pervert described in “Roman Holiday” was one of my first experiences in Rome when I was 15 and as green an apple as ever fell from a tree. I didn’t even have the words to describe what he was doing back then. As for the “Virtual Reality” Cyber-Masher, he/she/it was all too real, though I couldn’t print Holmes’ exact quote on a PG-13 blog. I’ve laughed pretty hard in my life, but this one stands out. Thank you for sharing the moment and  your missed connections with us!

Best Selling Author and Awesome Fellow Larry Enright just released his latest excellent literary fiction, A Cape May Diamond.

Writing is just one activity on the creative continuum. 6 Things I Learned about Writing from Gardening by RWA Hall of Fame Writer Justine Dare Davis.

Last day for Christian Fiction Fall Scavenger Hunt! International Best Selling Author Vicki Hinze shares the details.

Town Turns Tables on School Prank. How one gutsy girl responds to high school bullies. Historical fiction author and publishing attorney Susan Spann directed me to this. Also, Susan has an outstanding interview over at Chuck Wendig’s site, Susan Spann: The Terribleminds Interview.

This one is getting more relevant by the minute. From Knox McCoy, How to Not Be the Worst at Discussing Politics.

From Old Jules at So Far from Heaven, Who has Been an Inspiration in Your Life? Some people do for strangers what most won’t do for their own.

Apparently, Iran’s efforts at creating nuclear bombs and the continued failing of the economy aren’t keeping politicians busy enough so they are now micromanaging school lunches by federally mandating portion sizes. This is one high school’s response to such Nanny State interference.

And no. School lunch prices did not decrease with the smaller portions.

And now for our Poll Daddy campaign-style question of the week.

All the best to all of you for preparing for the rainy days.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Tactical Bacon? . . . We’ve Got Tactical Beer!

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Recently, we discovered the ultimate bacon product, Tactical Bacon from thinkgeek.com.

Because who would want to face the Apocalypse, a camping trip, or a simple plate of eggs without 18 servings of ten-year-old bacon efficiently shoved into a 9 oz. can?

When we saw this, our first thought was to hope the Scots aren’t working on Tactical Haggis. Our second thought was to look around our world and notice how many “tactical niches” needed filling.

Inspired, we took a can of Tactical Bacon back to Bayard & Holmes Laboratories where we currently have 10,000 lab rats and four communist Chinese engineers hard at work in our Product Research Division. Their mission? To convert the ordinary into the highly efficient, combat ready tactical products needed to improve the lives of today’s busy world citizens. We are proud to present our premier line of Bayard & Holmes Tactical Products.

Tactical Toothpaste

Sporting a stylish camouflaged tube designed to look like a regular tube of toothpaste, our Tactical Toothpaste is guaranteed to have you cursing as creatively as any Marine gunnery sergeant or Navy boson’s mate in only four days. Be sure to keep a tube handy for those visits to your girlfriend’s parents. And it’s certain to make your teens the most popular kids in summer camp!

Tactical Toilet Paper

Feeling like a wimp? Scared of your boss, your mother-in-law, or the wild rabbits in your yard? Our Tactical Toilet Paper is certain to rough you up and cure even the worst case of Candy Ass. You’ll be asserting your rights in no time.

image from memegenerator.net

Tactical Tennis Shoes

Run like the wind; strut like a badass. You won’t need air soles to float in these shoes!

Tactical Condoms

She’ll know she’s been with a soldier. *wink, wink*

Tactical Thongs

Designed to “cover” your ass and keep the Taliban from spotting you while experiencing those intimate moments sure to arise during tactical operations in foreign countries. Inspiringly shaded in Forest Camo, Arctic White, or Desert Beige.

Portable Tactical Big Screen TV and 60 Horsepower Generator

No backpacking trip would be complete without our Kevlar-shielded, IED resistant 72” screen. Why should you suffer without your sports bar just because you’re camping?

Tactical Beer

Enhance your wilderness TV experience with a case of world famous B&H Tactical Beer. Real badasses don’t tolerate fancy Northern European imported crap. B&H is brewed with arctic glacier water which delicately separated from the indigenous ice of the arctic as an unforeseen benefit of nuclear weapons testing. We also use only the finest hops captured from our competitors’ warehouses where we are unimpeded because they’re way too scared to try and stop us once they see us in our Tactical Tennis Shoes.

Tactical Beer, image by Alexander Olm at flickr.com

This glow-in-the-dark gourmet beverage will double as your Tactical Light Source. Because let’s be honest here. Flashlights are for geeks.

Tactical Dog Food

Between the LSD and the anabolic steroids in this dog food, even a worthless little teacup poodle transforms into a charmingly psychotic attack dog that answers to “Killer” takes out any annoying visitors with a slight lift of your left pinkie. This one is especially useful during this growingly hostile campaign season.

WARNING: Keep this product out of reach of gerbils.

We Bayard & Holmes Laboratories have even developed a line of Children’s Tactical Products.

Tactical Crayons

Our specially designed crayons created by our contract engineers deep in the heart of Magic Mountain are made of hard plastic. They are impossible for your child to draw with, making clean up a snap. These are perfect at home, in the classroom, or for birthday parties because you don’t want to raise some pansy a$$ liberal artist type anyway.

Tactical Children’s Lunch Box

Is your angelic kindergartener being bothered by those demonic third grade boys? To hell with that equivocating guidance counselor. We’ve got your practical, tactical solution. The Tactical Children’s Lunch Box, evening the score for the little kids since about ten days and four hours ago.

Every Tactical Children’s Lunch Box contains a top quality phosphorous grenade cleverly disguised as a Disney Princess or Avengers thermos. Guaranteed to slip unnoticed past the most diligent school crossing guard.

Tactical Brownies, image by jeffreyw at wikimedia commons

Each Tactical Lunch Box also includes a dozen hand-wrapped poison brownies, lovingly crafted in our bakery, that your budding Rambo can share with any enemy combatants he or she might encounter in the elementary school lunchroom.

Place your orders in the comments section below, and keep an eye out for our Tactical Holy Water and the rest of our Tactical Religious Products due out for the Holiday Season.

What Bayard & Holmes Tactical Products would you like in your home? What would you like us to set our lab rats to developing? We look forward to your business.

 

© 2012 Piper Bayard. All content on this page is protected by copyright. If you would like to use any part of this, please contact us at the above links to request permission.

The End is Near (and we deserve it). . . . Mashed Potato Slurpees

Mashed potatoes from a slurpee-like machine coming soon to a 7-11 near you.

These are not your grandma’s mashed potatoes!

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order 

Terrific book sale July 19-22! Get the details from international best selling author Vicki Hinze. Beat the Heat with a Cool Summer Sale

Jenny Hansen has some great tips for bloggers who are slaves to their blog schedules. Does Blogging Jack Up Your Schedule?

Natalie Hartford solicits advice for her single friends. How Long Should You Make a Guy Wait?

Amy Shojai gives us the run down on the place where the big fish swim. THRILLERFEST!

Amy Shojai and Allison Brennan at Thrillerfest

Diana Beebe visited my home state and made some excellent observations. Good and Bad Ideas in Colorado

There are many slang terms to refer to women. What Do You Choose to be Called? by Marcia Richards.

Catie Rhodes tells us about Robert Mitchum’s Life of Crime. As for me, I had no idea.

In honor of Comic Con which took place last week, this is a clip from Star Trek: How it Should have Ended.

So here is my Campaign Style Poll Daddy question for you this week.

All the best to all of you for a week of warm and fuzzy comfort food.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

The End is Near (and we deserve it). . . . Vegetable Psychologist Sets Up Practice in UK

Happy vegetables just taste better.

I’m thinking this means the stars of veggie tales would make one heck of a great tasting salad.

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

This came to me via Heather Konik. Want to ‘Do Something Different’ this Summer? Check Out ‘Drive a Tank’

Best Selling Author Kristen Lamb shares her editorial smarts in 4 Writing Crutches that Insult the Reader’s Intelligence

Nigel Blackwell reminds us of the freedoms we enjoy here in America in this fun and interesting post. Pigs, Pants, and Bent Bananas

NOAA Issues a Statement Denying Existence of Mermaids. Your tax dollars at work!

A Mermaid by John William Waterhouse

Skater Boys and Billy Purgatory. Ellie Ann always finds the coolest books.

Is Your Personality YOU? Pop by Amber West’s and take a quiz that’s all about you.

Kids think they’ve got the corner on text abbreviations. Clearly, they don’t know Donna Newton. Texting for Adults

Two of my favorites together. Tiffany A. White guest posts for P.W. Creighton. Intriguing Observations: Using Television to Benefit our Fiction Writing

Jillian Dodd dedicated her fun blog to Magic Mike last week, a male stripper version of Showgirls. Called to mind for me the original, hysterical Magic Mike from Saturday Night Live with Patrick Swayze and Chris Farley.

All the best to all of you for a week of happy salads.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse