The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Sock Monkey Kama Sutra & FIRELANDS Apocalypse Challenge Winners

Sock Monkey Kama Sutra Brings New Meaning to “Monkey Business”

Sock Monkey Kama Sutra

Original title was “Curious George Gone Wild.”

Click on the title above the picture for the full story.

And now . . . The moment we’ve all been waiting for! The winners of the FIRELANDS Apocalypse Reader/Blogger Challenge!

FIRELANDS Cover

First we have our Reader Winner . . . You will now have your very own, one-of-a-kind FIRELANDS Apocalypse Survival Kit, including a Swedish Fireknife so you can kill your post-apocalyptic squirrel, skin it, and start your fire to cook it. Along with it, you, Lucky Reader, will be taking home a can of Tactical Bacon, candy cigarettes and a chocolate bar for bartering with those post-apocalyptic traders, a handmade stuffed Grumpy Cat to keep you company, and a signed copy of FIRELANDS, all packed in an Eddie Bauer Ripstop Go Bag.

Thank you, DD, for being our Vanna tonight!

Thank you, DD, for being our Vanna tonight!

*drum roll please*

And the FIRELANDS Apocalypse Reader Winner is . . .

Bob Farkas!

Congratulations, Bob! *tosses confetti* When the Apocalypse comes, I’ll be looking for you, because I’ll know you’ll be prepared. Please contact me at (piperbayard at yahoo dot com) or on FB within two weeks to accept your prize. 🙂

Again, my heartfelt thanks to all of the wonderful readers for participating in this contest. You make every 4 a.m. idea that keeps me awake writing worth it!

SocialIn Logo

And now for our Lucky Blogger . . . You will be featured in a post at Social In Worldwide, Inc., a Twitter-driven news and events network that reaches over two million followers. Also, social media maven and best selling author Kristen Lamb has generously donated 50% off of any basic class she teaches at WANA Intl. But wait! There’s more! In addition, the Lucky Blogger will have a sidebar button at Bayard & Holmes for a month when we get our official website going this fall. . . . I know. You need some smelling salts at this point.

I’ve been so impressed with all of the entries. My deepest thanks to my fellow bloggers for making this contest such a fun success.  I hope all of our readers here at Bayard & Holmes will follow these wonderful, supportive, creative people.

Entries this week:

Jess Witkins of the Happiness Project teaches us the important use of Infomercials when surviving an apoclaypse. Surviving the Apocalypse . . . With Infomercials

MJ Wright explained something I never wrapped my head around, though it is crucial to FIRELANDS — not just the pronounciation of Taupo, the supervolcano in New Zealand–but also The [Fascinating] Science of the Inevitable Taupo Apocalypse.

Jenny Hansen explores the critical necessities in 10 Must-Have Undies in Your “Apocalypse Go-Bag.”

$50 Camo Lingerie from RealTree.com

$50 Camo Lingerie from RealTree.com

Previous entries:

Ryan Ryan (yes, that’s her name) at That Girl Ryan writes a Letter to the Mayans, complaining about their poor apocalypse prediction service, and how she had been looking forward to the hilarious benefits of the apocalypse. A Letter to the Mayans

Diana Beebe addresses a post-apocalyptic lifestyle by asking What Would You Do? Or Grow?

Shea McIntosh Ford looks at Surviving the Apocalypse — Henry Bemis Style. Would you kick ass, or would you be her reading buddy?

Ellie Ann gives you the opportunity to Choose Your Apocalypse. How do you want the world to end?

Catie Rhodes reviews FIRELANDS in Review Roundup: Youth is Wasted on the Young.

Angela Ackerman elevates FIRELANDS to the level of a prize at The Bookshelf Muse: Reality Check, Gratitude, and Cool Books to WIN. Pop on over and leave a comment for a chance to win one of three awesome books.

Julie Glover, a lady I count on the keep me grammatically honest, looks at Words for the End of the World.

The "Duchess" Corset A weapon against Victorian zombies image from wikimedia commons

The “Duchess” Corset
A weapon against Victorian zombies
image from wikimedia commons

How would you have fought off Victorian zombies? Historical mystery author K.B. Owen gives us some great ideas in Dangerous and Unseemly Zombies.

Peace in Relationship and Dystopia. KM Huber discusses the nature of relationship and gives her take on my debut dystopian thriller, FIRELANDS.

What would you write for your last blog post? Jules Davidoski has some hysterical ideas, along with a lively discussion over at her site. If This Were My Last Blog Post

Grab Your Tac Bag, Machete, and . . . Cat? by Sonia Medeiros. What sort of animal would you want with you in a post-apocalyptic world?

Writing Resources 20 June 2013 by Gene Lempp. Gene has the best mashups in the blogosphere. Thanks for the feature, Gene!

Smplefy has been a joy to me this week, tweeting as he reads FIRELANDS. It’s almost like getting to read over his shoulder and watch his reactions. Very cool! He’s got them compiled along with the bittersweet memories from his First Week of the Summer of 2013. 

*another drum roll please*

And the FIRELANDS Apocalypse Blogger Winner is . . .

MJ Wright!

Congratulations, MJ! I’ll be in touch with you soon, and we can arrange how best to showcase you for the masses over at Social In.

Holmes and I are working diligently with the awesome Laird Sapir and Jay Donovan (meaning they are doing all the work) at getting our new digs set up. We plan to move over to our new website, BayardandHolmes.com, around Labor Day. But don’t worry! You won’t miss a thing, because we’re taking you with us. We hope.

Moving Buried Under Boxes Canstock

In the meantime, postings here at Bayard & Holmes will be spotty as we travel, research, and focus on writing the second book in our upcoming spy thriller series, APEX PREDATOR. Look for our first baby, THE LEOPARD OF CAIRO, sometime this fall or winter from Stonehouse Ink.

All the best to all of you for making the best use of your socks.

Piper Bayard

Currency of the Apocalypse–Watcha Got?

By Piper Bayard

The apocalypse has come. How are you going to pay for it? Your money is now worth nothing. Even your gold is indigestible. So what’s going to be the new medium of exchange?

image by Larry D. Moore CC BY-SA 3.0, wikimedia commons

image by Larry D. Moore
CC BY-SA 3.0, wikimedia commons

Let’s start with the obvious. Spam and Twinkies. Food is going to be in short supply, and, unless there is some kind of polar apocalypse, or you’ve got a way to operate your electric vacuum sealer, modern food storage will be a thing of the past. Spam and Twinkies never go bad. Hence, they will not only prove a valuable commodity at mealtime, but they will help you keep up your body weight and give you something to trade for shoes and ammunition for your crossbow. Just watch out for cannibals and zombies – eat enough Spam and Twinkies, and you, too, will be salty, sweet, and well-marbled for predators.

Another handy trade good of the apocalypse will be Tic Tacs. Just think how bad everyone’s breath is going to be once we have no running water or toothpaste. And trust me, people will still want to kiss each other, and this is a good thing. Without that, humanity would die out quickly. So sell all of your gold and invest now in Tic Tacs for the good of the species. They will be hot on the barter market.

The third thing you don’t want to face an apocalypse without is a stash of toilet paper. Just ask Venezuela, which is currently suffering from a toilet paper shortage. People will give a lot for a roll of the white stuff when they’ve eaten too much Spam and Twinkies. Of course, that will be one of the two uses left for your paper money—the other being to light small fires—but you can get more mileage from investing that paper now in paper.

Toilet Paper Money canstock

Unfortunately for Archer in FIRELANDS, Spam and Twinkies are not an option. She and her people eat hemp gruel, the few vegetables the Josephites allow them to grow in their gardens, and whatever meat Archer brings them from the forest. For money, they are only allowed to barter unless they are trading at the Josephite-operated Big Box.

You, however, will have the time-honored cigarettes and chocolate to barter with in the Apocalypse if you are the lucky reader to win the FIRELANDS Apocalypse Survival Kit. You’ll also have a fantastic Eddie Bauer Go Bag, a can of Tactical Bacon–better than Spam or Twinkies–a signed author copy of FIRELANDS, and a stuffed Grumpy Cat to keep you company and cheer you up while surviving on the smoking heap that used to be our planet.

The easiest way to enter is to sign up for the Bayard & Holmes mailing list at Bayard & Holmes Newsletter. No hassles and no purchase necessary. Just infrequent newsletters and book release notices. You can also enter by leaving a quote or a picture of yourself with FIRELANDS here, on FB, or on Twitter, and by leaving reviews for FIRELANDS at Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Kobo, iPad, or Goodreads. Each entry is valid so you can enter multiple times.

Bloggers can enter by blogging about anything to do with the Apocalypse and linking to the original post, FIRELANDS Apocalypse Reader/Blogger Challenge. One great example is Julie Glover’s blog, Words for the End of the World. The blogger prize is a feature on Social In Worldwide, Inc., the web site that shut down the WordPress server this week with all the hits it gets.

For more details, see FIRELANDS Reader/Blogger Challenge.

What would you use as currency in a post-apocalyptic world?

FIRELANDS Cover

Eighty years in the future, America has devolved into a totalitarian theocracy. The ruling Josephites clone the only seeds that grow in the post-apocalyptic climate, allowing their Prophet to control who eats, who starves, and who dies in the ritual fires that atone society.

Subsisting on the fringes, Archer risks violation and death each day as she scours the forest for game to feed her people. When a Josephite refugee seeks sanctuary in her home, Archer is driven to chance a desperate gamble. A gamble that will bring down the Prophet and deliver seeds and freedom, or end in a fiery death for herself and for everyone she loves.

Seeds are life . . . Seeds are power . . . Seeds are the only hope of a despairing people. What will Archer do for the seeds of freedom, and what will she justify in their name?

FIRELANDS

Available from Amazon in Paperback and on Kindle

Also in e-book at Barnes & Noble and Kobo,

and at iTunes for iPad and mobile devices.

FIRELANDS Apocalypse Reader/Blogger Challenge!

FIRELANDS Cover

FIRELANDS, my dystopian thriller, was born on June 4. To celebrate, I want to thank my fellow bloggers and awesome readers for helping it to achieve a 10 on the Debut Novel Apgar Scale.

To do this, I have created the FIRELANDS Apocalypse Reader/Blogger Challenge. To put it simply, this consists of twin contests—one for bloggers, and one for readers–open between now and July 19.

FOR THE READERS

PRIZES

*drumroll please*

FIRELANDS Apocalypse Survival Kit!

Your very own FIRELANDS Apocalypse Survival Kit! My first choice would be to include a .45 with ammo, but due to firearms restrictions, I’ll have to let you see to that yourselves. However, I’ve given careful thought to the other things you’ll need to survive the apocalypse in style and comfort . . .

Swedish Fire Knife on the Dock

The Swedish Fireknife by Light My Fire

Fireknife—Firelands. Get it? This Swedish Fire Knife has a Mora blade with a fire starter in the handle and instructions on how to create blaze-producing sparks without the need of matches. Invaluable when you need to blow something up, or when you just need to gut and clean a squirrel, split your kindling, and light your campfire to cook it for dinner.

image by Light My Fire

image by Light My Fire

And speaking of dinner . . .

Tactical Bacon

Yes, it’s bacon in a can. Good for up to ten years post-apocalypse. Helps keep you strong for fighting off those Josephites. Check out this commercial by “Shotgun” Max Beavins.

Bacon is not only useful for dinner, but as social media has proven, it’s a great way to make friends. In fact, if you go onto Facebook right now and simply type “bacon” as your status update, you’ll get more responses than if you posted five pictures of your children. The only thing that can compete with bacon as social grease is Grumpy Cat.

Which brings me to the next item in the FIRELANDS Apocalypse Survival Kit . . .

Grumpy Cat The End is Near

Stuffed Grumpy Cat

A stuffed Grumpy Cat, handmade by me since there are no official models yet. Grumpy Cat will be your perfect post-apocalypse companion. She has a proven track record of winning friends and influencing people, and she will be the only creature who is actually delighted about your dire situation.

Barter Goods

Once your Grumpy Cat helps you make a few friends, you’ll need to be prepared to barter. So your FIRELANDS Apocalypse Survival Kit comes with the age-old tried and true barter goods, cigarettes and chocolate.

Lucky Lights Pic

You might notice those are candy cigarettes, which are desirable barter items to both smokers and non-smokers. And they never go bad.

Signed Author Copy

A first edition autographed copy of FIRELANDS for your post-apocalyptic reading needs.

Eddie Bauer Rippac Packable Daypack "Before" Picture

Eddie Bauer Rippac Packable Daypack
“Before” Picture

Go Bag

Obviously, you’ll need something to carry all of these post-apocalyptic necessities, so I’m including this Eddie Bauer Rippac Packable Daypack. A full-sized ripstop backpack that folds in on itself like a second term presidency, except it’s much tidier and way more useful.

Eddie Bauer Rippac "After" Picture

Eddie Bauer Rippac
“After” Picture

Quick! How Do I Enter the FIRELANDS Apocalypse Reader Challenge?

There are four ways for READERS to enter the FIRELANDS Apocalypse Challenge:

1)    Quote – Good for one entry in random drawing.

  • Leave a quote from FIRELANDS on this or any other linked blog, OR
  • Post a quote on Facebook and make sure I see it, OR
  • Send a quote to @PiperBayard on Twitter.

2)    Picture – Good for one entry in random drawing.

  • Post a picture of yourself with a copy of FIRELANDS in paper or on your electronic device on a linked blog, on Facebook, or on Twitter and tag me or link to me to make sure I see it.

3)    Mailing List – Good for one entry in random drawing.

  • Sign up on the Bayard & Holmes mailing list at Bayard & Holmes Newsletter. You will receive our infrequent newsletters and notices of our book releases. We will protect your email from foreign operatives, phone solicitors, and grasping DHS agents, but we cannot give you any guarantees about what the NSA will do with it.

4)    Review – Each review is good for one entry in random drawing.

  • Leave a review of FIRELANDS at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, and/or iPad, and link to it in the comments here or in any other linked blog. EACH REVIEW IS CONSIDERED AN ENTRY so you could enter up to four times.

This means your name can be entered for the drawing up to seven times–once each for a quote, a picture, and signing up on the mailing list, and up to four more times for reviews. No purchase is necessary to enter.

FOR THE BLOGGERS

PRIZES

A Hearty Pimping!

Your prize will be a Hearty Pimping! Since we bloggers tend to be exhibitionists, I will expose you these three ways:

SocialIn Logo

  • A featured post on the Social In Worldwide, Inc. Network. Social In is a Twitter-driven network of forty sites nationwide with a collective following of approximately two million people. Your feature will appear on all forty sites and will be tweeted out to those two million people with links to your site, your book, your Twitter handle, and your Facebook page.
  • A feature post at the Bayard & Holmes site with links to all of your vitals.
  • A featured spot in the sidebar at our Bayard & Holmes web site during the month of August.

Quick! How Do I Enter the FIRELANDS Apocalypse Blogger Challenge?

Bloggers enter the FIRELANDS Apocalypse Challenge by blogging about anything apocalyptic . . .

  • Favorite/worst apocalyptic movie, song, TV show, cult, food, plague, disaster, etc.
  • How you will make moonshine, cookies, party favors, etc. in the apocalypse
  • Post-Apocalyptic pet care
  • The religion you would create to control the world during the apocalypse
  • Absolutely anything having anything at all to do with the Apocalypse.

Mention FIRELANDS, and link back to this post so I see it. That simple. You’re entered in the random drawing for the opportunity to expose yourself.

BLOGGERS CAN BE READERS!

Entering one contest does not exclude you from entering the other, but only one prize per winner.

Drawings will be held on July 19, 2013, and winners will be announced in The End is Near post on that day. Each winner will have two weeks to claim his/her prize. Any prize unclaimed after two weeks will be forfeit, and a new winner will be selected.

Again, I want to thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart. There is a fear when releasing a book that it will be like a party where no one shows up. Thank you for showing up at my party. You each hold a special place in my heart.

LET THE FIRELANDS APOCALYPSE READER/BLOGGER CHALLENGE BEGIN!

Field on Fire Canstock

Eighty years in the future, America has devolved into a totalitarian theocracy. The ruling Josephites clone the only seeds that grow in the post-apocalyptic climate, allowing their Prophet to control who eats, who starves, and who dies in the ritual fires that atone society.

Subsisting on the fringes, Archer risks violation and death each day as she scours the forest for game to feed her people. When a Josephite refugee seeks sanctuary in her home, Archer is driven to chance a desperate gamble. A gamble that will bring down the Prophet and deliver seeds and freedom, or end in a fiery death for herself and for everyone she loves.

Seeds are life . . . Seeds are power . . . Seeds are the only hope of a despairing people. What will Archer do for the seeds of freedom, and what will she justify in their name?

FIRELANDS

Available from Amazon in Paperback and on Kindle

Also in e-book at Barnes & Noble and Kobo,

and at iTunes for iPad and mobile devices.