Supervolcano Apocalypse Fashion

By Piper Bayard

As humans, we seem, by and large, to have this idea that when we arrived, the planet, itself, arrived. Each generation has the notion that we are the final destination of both creation and evolution that will, somehow, some way, survive any apocalyptic event. Even more, we will survive with sexy fashions.

Tina Turner in Beyond Thunderdome

Tina Turner in Beyond Thunderdome

Who wouldn’t want Tina Turner’s chainmail peek-a-boo or Mila Jovovich’s short shorts and garters in the middle of a scorching desert?

Mila Jovovich in Resident Evil: Extinction

Mila Jovovich in Resident Evil: Extinction

Anybody?

The fact is that, while there’s quite an entertainment industry built up around making us feel like we will be among the few special ones to survive an apocalypse, chances are we won’t be, and if we are, we won’t have much use for peek-a-boo garters. We’ll need every fashion advantage we can get.

In FIRELANDS, Archer is facing the North American aftermath of the explosion of the Supervolcano Taupo in New Zealand. (Sorry Kiwis. I couldn’t exactly make it Yellowstone and have anyone here survive for a story.) Ash blanketed the earth, and lowered the average temperature of North America by 20 degrees for seven years. Twenty-eight years later, other volcanoes, awakened by the rapid reversal of the magnetic poles, still spew their ash, and smoke still blankets the land.

So while Archer would prefer to dress like this . . .

Jennifer Lawrence in The Hunger Games

Jennifer Lawrence in The Hunger Games

. . . she wears men’s pants and camouflage turtlenecks, grubby from days at a time spent hunting to feed her people. That’s because in a real apocalypse, we won’t have enough biore wipes or antibacterial hand wash to go around, and we’re going to have to dress a lot more like Mila Kunis in the Book of Eli if we expect to survive.

Mila Kunis in The Book of Eli

Mila Kunis in The Book of Eli

Until midnight MST on July 18, 2013, I’m running the FIRELANDS Apocalypse Reader/Blogger Challenge. It’s easy to enter whether you’re a reader or a blogger, and no purchase is necessary. The prize for readers is the FIRELANDS Apocalypse Survival Kit, which includes the FireKnife to gut your squirrel, split your kindling, and start your cooking fire, a can of Tactical Bacon for a chaser, candy cigarettes and a chocolate bar to barter, and a stuffed Grumpy Cat to keep you company. Bloggers, you can win a feature at Social In Worldwide and reach an audience of two million. See FIRELANDS Apocalypse Reader/Blogger Challenge for the details.

So what do you think? Have you got the thighs to pull off the Tina Turner or Mila Jovovich look in the event of a Supervolcano explosion? Or are you more of an Archer? What would be your ideal post-apocalyptic outfit?

FIRELANDS Cover

FIRELANDS

Available from Amazon in Paperback and on Kindle

Also in e-book at Barnes & Noble and Kobo,

and at iTunes for iPad and mobile devices.

The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . $55k Backpack Covered in Pills

Olsen's Pill Backpack

$55k Designer Backpack from Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Apparently they found a use for their leftovers. Who needs Alice?

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Sometimes it takes a ferret to lead us. Another Year, Another Wiggle by Samuel Clemons.

In case you had too much New Year’s cheer, this will definitely bring you back to earth. Via Patricia Vicens Lucchetti. The Four Companies that Control the 147 Companies that Own Everything

And for something a bit more hopeful. From Bestselling Author and Social Media Jedi Kristen Lamb we learn What’s Ahead in 2013–Predictions for the Future of Publishing and Authors of the Digital Age.

And your health tip of the day. I knew grapefruit could make a transplant patient go into rejection, but I had no idea its effects could be so widespread. No wonder my dog never begs for this stuff. Grapefruit is a Culprit in More Drug Reactions

Grapefruit John Steven Fernandez wikimedia

image by John Steven Fernandez, wikimedia commons

 Via author Pati Nagle, New Comet Might Blaze Brighter than the Full Moon. Keep your eye on the skies for ISON in November.

Susan Spann shares a tense tale of love and passion. ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas – On the Reef

Emily Cannell of Hey from Japan asks the question that has no doubt baffled visitors to the East for eons. How Could Something So Pretty Smell So Bad?

You may have seen a few of these or even fallen prey to them at recent Holiday parties. Be on guard! Via the 1491s.

Now it’s your turn to express yourselves.

All the best to all of you for wise expenditures.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Gabby’s Hair? What About Those Banana Shoes?

Gabby Douglas, first African-American winner of the Women’s Gymnastics All Around Gold, is confused. Frankly, I’m confused as well.

Gabby Douglas, image from wikimedia by Xxjenesaispasxx

When 16-yr-old Gabby googled herself a few hours after achieving the highest accomplishment in Olympic women’s gymnastics, she found that people weren’t only tweeting about her success, they were tweeting criticisms about her hair!

“Gabby Douglas, you made history w/your impeccable talent and hideous hair.” @BReeMonroe

“We, as a black community, gotta fix Gabby Douglas’s hair.” @Sarocious

“Congrats to Gabby Douglas on her gold metal! Wish I could say the same about that hair! OMG horrible!” @shestaken

Seriously! I never cease to be amazed at people and their priorities.

How can they possibly be criticizing little Gabby Douglas for her hair when there have been far more egregious fashion faux pas from every corner of the Olympic compound?

Take Shelly-Ann Fraser-Pryce. Who cares that she won a repeat gold in the women’s 100 meter dash when it’s overshadowed by the fact that her tag was sticking up out of her running shorts when she crossed the finish line?

Then there are the Women’s Beach Volleyball bikini bottoms. What difference does all that hustle and jump make when those ladies have more crack than the entire city of Detroit?

Hello? Men’s track stars? You’re really wearing those banana shoes?

And don’t even get me started on those horses in the equestrian events. Some of them made no effort to restrain their free-flowing tails, showing no respect for the fact that they were jumping more obstacles than average Americans do when collecting their own money from their medical flexible spending accounts.

Don’t these athletes realize that no matter what they do, the most important thing when they are on TV is their hair? Where is the Olympic Committee in all of these uniform travesties? Why aren’t they stopping these fashion fails?

Bottom line? This young lady traveled 20 hours from home to live with strangers so that she could train with a great coach. She left her family and friends to follow a dream at only fourteen. She not only went to school but worked what amounted to a full time job in preparing for this event. She could dye her hair purple, wear it in dreadlocks, or even shave her head and it wouldn’t detract one bit from how lovely she is.

I appreciated the sentiment of this “Pulp Fiction” spoof.

WARNING: EXCESSIVE, EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE, JUST LIKE THE ORIGINAL “PULP FICTION.”

What athletes are impressing you during this Olympic Games?

All the best to all of you for a week of knowing what’s important.

Piper Bayard—The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse