The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Zombie Bikini Babes Calendar

Coming to a morgue near you. The 2013 Zombie Bikini Babes Calendar.

The Walking Dead Bikini Calendar, image from Facebook

And you thought tan lines were a problem . . .

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order 

Fainting Goat Traps Teen in Tree

Self-Publishers Aren’t Killing the Industry, They’re Saving It by David Gaughran.

Turkey Block. Writers Block. So much in common. Five Signs You Have “Turkey Block” by Jenny Hansen.

Along that vein, how did you cook your turkey? I Spatchcocked mine. Just because “spatchcocked” is such a fun word to say. Basically, you remove the backbone, flatten the turkey on a pan, brush it with oil, and fry it in your oven. It was amazing. Roast Spatchcocked Turkey–Martha Stewart Recipes

Ellie Ann observes that You’re Not Really a Fan Unless You’re Wearing it On Your Underwears.

Via Lonny Dunn at ProNetworkBuild, Facebook Admins Beware: Always Read the Fine Print.

Driving While . . . Shaving? A hoot of a story from Natalie Hartford.

Nine More Gorgeous European Libraries

Angela Ackerman, author of the book that belongs on every writer’s shelf, The Emotion Thesaurus, pointed me to this hysterical video. Dumb Ways to Die

And for our Poll Daddy question of the week . . .

All the best to all of you for avoiding the undead.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Bayard & Holmes Savoir Faire Consulting Service

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

The Holiday Season is upon us. Soon, life will be a whirlwind of dinner parties and fetes. We realize that we will be the main topic of discussion for many of our readers at these parties, and we’d like to do our best to help our reputations and yours. We’re proud to bring you the Bayard & Holmes Savoir Faire Consulting Service.

image by Ugllbe, wikimedia commons

As a recovering boy from the hood and a bellydancing closet redneck, we are more than qualified to assist anyone, even the most long suffering Je N’ais Pas Faire victim, in developing the necessary social savvy and handy fake veneer of sophistication.

To help you determine precisely how much coaching you’ll need to maximize your social success while mingling with sophisticates, our intelligent, educated, worldly team of Savoir Faire Savants (us) have developed these questions.

A)   You receive a formal invitation for dinner at 8:00 p.m. What do you do?

  1. You arrive at 8:40 p.m. with a re-gift of the same crystal bird statue the hostess gave you six months before.
  2. You arrive at 8:00 p.m. with a bottle of wine and flowers.
  3. You arrive at 7:45 with no wine or flowers and ignore the hostess while hovering over the oven, waiting for the hors d’oeuvres.
  4. You arrive empty-handed at 7:15, compliment the hostess on how great her a$$ looks in her dress, and demand the TV and a cold one.

B)   When you’re seated at the table, you discover an abundance of silverware at each place setting. How do you react?

  1. You point out that they have forgotten to include an oyster fork.
  2. You confidently use the silver in order as each course is served.
  3. You cautiously wait to see which fork the host and hostess use when, and then you mimic them.
  4. I don’t need their utensils. I brought my switchblade.

image by HopefulRomntic, wikimedia commons

C)   The hostess’s aged and not-altogether-there grandmother is attending the party in her wheelchair. She attempts a conversation with you but is having difficulty forming sentences. How do you respond?

  1. Mrs. Vanderbilt, I see you’re not on your medication. And why don’t they dress you properly any more? I’ll get the nurse to attend you.
  2. It’s so good to see you. I always think of our last time together and how much fun we had. You’re looking great this evening.
  3. You quickly grab the elbow of the unattractive, self-important flirter who regaled you with his tales of grandeur and whisper seductively into his ear, “Oh, Chauncey. You must meet the world’s most important business women.” Then you deposit Chauncey with Mrs. Vanderbilt and escape.
  4. You pretend to be her caring nurse and roll her outside behind the garage. You leave her there shivering and pleading for mercy as you return to the party.

D)   A man in a dreadfully tailored tuxedo with the odor of gin on his breath arrives late to the party. While staring at your chest, he attempts to engage you in a plebian conversation concerning politics. How do you respond?

  1. You point him to the kitchen and tell him he is late for work.
  2. You excuse yourself with an urgent but polite tone and seek out conversation elsewhere.
  3. You look down your nose and ask him, “Is that really your tuxedo or did you steal it off a homeless man?”
  4. You whisper seductively, “Come closer,” and when he does, you deliver a hard blow to his head with a candlestick.

E)   You’re feeling sleepy. What do you do?

  1. You announce your departure to everyone, explaining that you can’t stay late tonight because you’re expected at Buckingham Palace in the morning.
  2. You graciously thank your host and hostess for a lovely evening and quietly depart.
  3. You tell your host you’ve had a bit too much to drink, and ask him if he wouldn’t mind having his wife drive you home.
  4. You take the host’s 18-yr-old daughter to the guest bedroom and retire for the evening.

image by Haber1000, wikimedia commons

Now add up your score for your Savoir Faire Social Quotient.

1 = 1;     2 = 2;     3 = 3;     4 = 4

Score of 4 or less

This is not the proper curriculum for you. You might consider some math tutoring.

Score of 5 – 7

You’re an arrogant, insufferable snob. If anyone is still inviting you to parties at this point in your life, we advise that you decline those invitations. They are probably only inviting you in the hopes of drowning you in the pool as a source of amusement for the rest of the guests.

Score of 8 – 16

You’re the sort of person who could most benefit from our Savoir Faire Consulting Service. Stick with us, and you’ll be at the top of the social list in no time.

Score of 17 – 20

Not all the news is bad. For one thing, there is no need for you to attend our Savoir Faire Consulting Service. You’ll almost never find yourself invited to a party, and if you did, it’s unlikely that the penitentiary where you are serving time would grant you a release to attend. Think of the money you’ll save by not having to upgrade your evening wear.

Now that you have your starting point pinned down, we here at Bayard & Holmes stand ready to assist you with all of your Savoir Faire dilemmas.

What was your score? What questions do you have this Holiday Season for our worldly Savoir Faire Savants (us)?

Pilgrim, As You Journey

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

This is the week of the mass American pilgrimage. Thanksgiving, more than any other holiday, is the day we Americans travel home. It is the one holiday we all share, no matter what our religion. The day when we gather as families.

Some of us will have genuinely happy reunions. The stuff of Norman Rockwell.

image from Office of War Information 1942, wikimedia commons

Most of us will have mixed days. Something we have to hassle with a bit. Perhaps a family fuss getting out the door, and then putting up with Uncle Freddie’s bad jokes and Aunt Marge complaining that the dressing is dry. But once everyone settles in for the football, it’s all good.

For some, though, Thanksgiving can be a gut-wrenching ordeal. The hassles are extreme, and the holiday becomes an endurance test of dysfunctional abuse that demoralizes us and convinces us that we deserve nothing from life or ourselves but the crumbs of inadequacy, malcontent, and failed expectations.

Most people who persist in that brutal existence do so from habit and from the fear of change. But a brave few walk away into the unknown with the conviction that whatever lies ahead, it cannot be worse than the hell they left behind. They quit showing up for the beatings.

image by Christina Matheson, wikimedia commons

If you are having joyful reunions this week, we celebrate with you. Such family experiences are the source of strength that sustains us through life’s turmoil.

If you are biting your tongue in between hugs and laughter, we admire you for your tolerance and commitment. Such commitment is the foundation of civilization.

If you are suffering, our hearts and prayers go out to you in the hopes that one day, you will get out.

And if you are one of the ones who walked away, we salute you. You will be alone this week, or with close friends, or with people you barely know who have unfamiliar traditions. If you have persevered down your lonely path, you may even be with a new family by now, making Norman Rockwell jealous.

We know what it took for you to walk away, and we count you as our family. Your “not being there” didn’t come for free, and we honor the price you pay each day. It never gets easy, but it does get better. This song says it all.

Wherever you are in Life’s pilgrimage this Thanksgiving, Holmes and I wish you peace. We will see you back here on Monday, November 26.

Happy Thanksgiving!

We Thank You, Italy, for Embracing Witchcraft

An Open Letter to Italy

From Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Dear Italy,

We recently noticed that your court in L’Aquila convicted six scientists and a government official of manslaughter and sentenced them each to six years in jail because they did not accurately predict an earthquake. (See Italian Scientists Resign over L’Aquila Quake Verdicts.) This earthquake was a terrible tragedy, killing over 300 people and leaving hundreds more injured and homeless. We extend our sincere condolences to the victims of this natural disaster.

L’Aquila in highlighted Abruzzo region, image by TUBS on wikimedia commons

We also, however, extend our condolences to the people of Italy, who find themselves governed by such imbeciles. The one thing geologists and geophysicists throughout the world all agree on is that science is not yet able to accurately predict earthquakes. We find it amazing that judges and prosecutors in Italy presume to hold Italian scientists to a standard beyond that which is currently possible anywhere on the planet. Apparently in L’Aquila, they expect their scientists to employ witchcraft to predict earthquakes since science cannot do it. Note to L’Aquila prosecutors: Dumbledore is dead. You’re stuck with the scientists. But not for long . . .

Now that Italy has indicated a clear preference for witchcraft over scientific method, we would like to extend an invitation to your most capable scientists and engineers to come live in the US. Our gullible public and corrupt officials are currently less gullible and less corrupt than the Italian judiciary. Your scientists can, to our benefit, practice their skills without fear of being arrested or held to a standard of omnipotent knowledge that one would expect of God.

We realize that, as you watch our election process, you must have your own doubts about the sanity of our people and the integrity of our main political parties. You should carefully note that we have never had someone as vile and corrupt as Berlusconi in our top office. However, we do recognize that’s probably only because Berlusconi’s been at it longer than the youngsters we have in charge over here.

Since Italy apparently no longer has any use for the scientific method, we will happily welcome your best scientists and engineers here. We’d like to thank those few employed Italians with enough money to pay taxes for supporting Italy’s university system all these years. We promise to appreciate the contributions of your intelligentsia.

Before these excellent scientists leave Italy and bring their skills to the New World, we recommend that the seismologists protect themselves from criminal prosecution by issuing a blanket warning of ultimate earthquake disaster for the entire of Italy. Astronomers, no doubt equally as appalled as we are by this conviction, can join in with the proclamation that the sky is falling. Italy can call it the ‘Proclamazione di Chicken Little’.

As you fine Italian citizens consider where to relocate during the forthcoming mass evacuation of Italy, we would suggest to you our own Italian republic, which we call New Jersey. The Italian population of New Jersey has been declining precipitously in recent years. We are certain that state’s social problems could be greatly alleviated with a sufficient influx of some genuine Italians. Please take care of that embarrassing Snooki problem when you get there.

If you don’t mind taking on the work, a million or so fresh Italians relocated to Brooklyn, New York would undoubtedly improve the social conditions there, as well. Across the East River in the Bronx, the Yankees are waiting for the next Joe DiMaggio, Yogi Berra, or Phil Rizzutto, and we’re hoping you’ll be bringing him with you. Note: Italian lawyers, politicians, and other dangerous criminals not welcome.

We should take this opportunity to thank you, people of Italy, for improving our own scientific communities with your finest minds that you went to great expense to train. Let’s face it. They have no place staying in a country that convicts them for not practicing witchcraft.

This certainly is not intended as an insult to the Italian people. We, too, have our own corrupt officials and ignorant slugs in the US who love to confuse witchcraft with science. As a general rule, though, they are too busy blaming homosexuals and abortion recipients for earthquakes and other natural disasters and therefore don’t have time to harass scientists.

Unless, of course, those scientists are also homosexual or abortion recipients. In fact, now that we think about it, we recommend that homosexual scientists avoid small towns in Kansas altogether and relocate instead to San Francisco, Boulder, or Austin. They will find themselves quite at home with teaching positions at Cambridge in the UK, as well.

Mind you, we only want your brightest and most industrious scientists and engineers seeking employment in the US and the UK. Your less magnificent scientists should obtain teaching positions at Le Sorbonne in Paris, where they can’t possibly do much harm since the students are unlikely to end their strikes long enough to attend any classes anyway. Enjoy the wine.

People of Italy, we look forward to your arrival. Some of us are Irish so we’ll leave the light on for you.

Sincerely,

Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Goat Arrested for Attempted Robbery

An oldie but goodie. A goat in Nigeria was accused of being a person who attempted to steal a Mazda 323 before turning himself into a goat with black magic. Yes, really.

Police Arrest Goat Accused of Armed Robbery

image by JD554, wikimedia commons

Click on title for full story.

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Don’t miss this! K.B. Owen brings us the amazing Halloween light display that is Halloween, Gangnam Style.

Mark Kaplowitz asks the question, Remember When Debates Involved Debating?

Why Women with Autism are Invisible via Heather Konik.

A darling video from Laird Sapir. Hedgehog in the Fog

Hedgehog in the Fog

How to Get Unfriended, Ignored, and Blocked on Facebook by best selling author Kristen Lamb.

Marcy Kennedy asks, What Lord of the Rings Character are You?

Bottled Message from Canada Flows to Ireland

Sonia Todd wrote her own obituary before she died, thanking the people she had known. It shows what a beautiful soul this world lost when she passed. Sonia Todd Obituary

If I had a GPS system, I would use the backlighting on it to illuminate my paper map. Apple Maps Dark Knight Parody.

Now for our Poll Daddy question of the week.

All the best to all of you for a week of avoiding criminal goats.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Aporkalypse – Global Bacon Shortage

When I first saw this, I realized that the extremist Jewish peace organization, Sons of Isaac, and the extremist Islamic peace organization, Sons of Ishmael, have teamed up with activist group, Vegetarians for Peace. The serene triumvirate, in an effort to bring about that elusive thing known on beauty pageants as “world peace,” banned together around their only common belief, which is that bacon is unclean or just plain evil. Calling themselves the Children of Abraham and People Who Love Miss Piggy, they conspired to strengthen inter-cultural unity by somehow creating a drought that led to a shortage of pig feed, which led to a shortage of pigs and will, therefore, create a shortage of bacon for bacophiles around the world next year. This solves any remaining mystery of global warming and gives the rest of the world good reason to stick our heads in the oven.

image from wikimedia

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Monday, we wrote up our Wish-We’d-Missed Connections and asked you which one you thought was false. Forty-six percent of you voted for the “Creep Out on Aisle Nine” as the false story, and you are correct. Miss “Je Ne Sais Quoi” is something that has happened more than once. Also, I’m sorry to say that the pervert described in “Roman Holiday” was one of my first experiences in Rome when I was 15 and as green an apple as ever fell from a tree. I didn’t even have the words to describe what he was doing back then. As for the “Virtual Reality” Cyber-Masher, he/she/it was all too real, though I couldn’t print Holmes’ exact quote on a PG-13 blog. I’ve laughed pretty hard in my life, but this one stands out. Thank you for sharing the moment and  your missed connections with us!

Best Selling Author and Awesome Fellow Larry Enright just released his latest excellent literary fiction, A Cape May Diamond.

Writing is just one activity on the creative continuum. 6 Things I Learned about Writing from Gardening by RWA Hall of Fame Writer Justine Dare Davis.

Last day for Christian Fiction Fall Scavenger Hunt! International Best Selling Author Vicki Hinze shares the details.

Town Turns Tables on School Prank. How one gutsy girl responds to high school bullies. Historical fiction author and publishing attorney Susan Spann directed me to this. Also, Susan has an outstanding interview over at Chuck Wendig’s site, Susan Spann: The Terribleminds Interview.

This one is getting more relevant by the minute. From Knox McCoy, How to Not Be the Worst at Discussing Politics.

From Old Jules at So Far from Heaven, Who has Been an Inspiration in Your Life? Some people do for strangers what most won’t do for their own.

Apparently, Iran’s efforts at creating nuclear bombs and the continued failing of the economy aren’t keeping politicians busy enough so they are now micromanaging school lunches by federally mandating portion sizes. This is one high school’s response to such Nanny State interference.

And no. School lunch prices did not decrease with the smaller portions.

And now for our Poll Daddy campaign-style question of the week.

All the best to all of you for preparing for the rainy days.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Have the Taliban Evolved? The Attack on Camp Bastion

By Intelligence Operative Jay Holmes*

On September 14, 15 Taliban fighters dressed in US Army style uniforms attacked the UK’s Camp Bastion in Helmand Provence, Afghanistan. The attackers were armed with PKM machine guns, AK-47 assault rifles, rocket propelled grenades and exploding suicide vests. The camp has a perimeter of over 35 km and is a major logistics center for Allied operations in Afghanistan. US Marine Corps Aviation squadrons occupy part of the British base, and sadly, two outstanding Marines lost their lives that night.

Sgt. Bradley Atwell and Lt. Col. Christopher Raible, image from marinecorpstimes.com

Marine Lt. Col. Christopher Raible and Marine Sgt. Bradley Atwell were both killed by an explosion while counter-attacking the Taliban. We offer our sincere condolences to the loved ones of these two great Marines.

The attack is seen by some as something of a hallmark event in the Afghan War. Some feel that it indicates an “evolution” in tactics by the Taliban. The Taliban executed a well-planned attack against a large, well-defended position and managed to destroy several expensive Harrier attack jets, in addition to killing two Marines.

However, in my view the attack is not quite a hallmark event. While the Taliban demonstrated some ability to evolve in their tactics, one must assume that they use some of the abundant time at their disposal to think about their situation and try to identify opportunities. This was hardly a revolutionary combat event. The base has been there for years, and it’s more remarkable that the Taliban took this long to organize an attack against such a valuable and vulnerable Allied asset.

I’m grateful that the Taliban are not commanded by Viet Cong guerillas, Wehrmacht Panzer leaders, Imperial Japanese Army officers, or an L.A drug king pin. If they were, it would be hard to imagine them doing relatively little damage in exchange for fifteen of their own warriors. I’m grateful that few Taliban are capable of reading anything other than the Koran. If they were, they would be far more effective and far more dangerous.

The attack on Camp Bastion will have no impact on US or British policies in Afghanistan. The Allies are in fact already reducing force strength in preparation for a departure from Afghanistan. It’s not like they are going to leave a day early in response to anything that the Taliban or other hoodlums in the area might do.

Some analysts are certain that the attack was “masterminded,” if you can call it that, by the Haqqani brand of Taliban, which has been popular in Pakistan and Afghanistan in recent months. Which particular tribal thug ordered out this particular cadre of suicide fighters is of no great significance because frankly, neither the US nor the British governments intend to do much of anything about it. What would the response be? Would the US military or State Department hold an extra twenty minute meeting with Afghan Gangster in Cheif Muhammad Karzai? What stern phrases would Karzai utter in that meeting? Would he pose for one of his cute “right index finger pointing to heaven while I grimace” pictures? Is there anyone left in Washington or London who could be so gullible as to believe anything that he or his band of thieves would say? I hope not.

My best analysis is that the Taliban were in fact not attempting to impact the Allied mission in Afghanistan by conducting this latest suicide attack. They were more likely trying to impact their own standing within Afghanistan and the region. Once the allies leave Afghanistan, the Taliban face the task of re-asserting their dominance, and they need all the PR help they can get. The Taliban would hate to see anyone else get the profits from those poppy fields.

In the mean time US and Allied military personnel will continue conducting operations against the Taliban and their many local clones while doing their utmost to appear polite and friendly to a population of people that care little about “polite” and know less still about “friendly” when it comes to outsiders. It’s a damned shame that more Allied soldiers and marines will lose their lives while everyone waits for the final departure from this very expensive theatre of the macabre.

U.S. Marine Corps Lance Cpl. Antonio Wilccoxen, an M249 Squad Automatic Weapon gunner, and fellow U.S. Marines with 1st Platoon, Company I, Battalion Landing Team 3/8, Regimental Combat Team 8, walk through a poppy field during a security patrol from their patrol base in Helmand province’s Green Zone, west of the Nar-e Saraj canal, March 31. Elements of 26th Marine Expeditionary Unit deployed to Afghanistan to provide regional security in Helmand province in support of the International Security Assistance Force. Image from Department of Defense via publicintelligence.net.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

*‘Jay Holmes’, is an intelligence veteran of the Cold War and remains an anonymous member of the intelligence community. His writing partner, Piper Bayard, is the public face of their partnership.

© 2012 Jay Holmes. All content on this page is protected by copyright. If you would like to use any part of this, please contact us at the above links to request permission.

Tactical Bacon? . . . We’ve Got Tactical Beer!

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Recently, we discovered the ultimate bacon product, Tactical Bacon from thinkgeek.com.

Because who would want to face the Apocalypse, a camping trip, or a simple plate of eggs without 18 servings of ten-year-old bacon efficiently shoved into a 9 oz. can?

When we saw this, our first thought was to hope the Scots aren’t working on Tactical Haggis. Our second thought was to look around our world and notice how many “tactical niches” needed filling.

Inspired, we took a can of Tactical Bacon back to Bayard & Holmes Laboratories where we currently have 10,000 lab rats and four communist Chinese engineers hard at work in our Product Research Division. Their mission? To convert the ordinary into the highly efficient, combat ready tactical products needed to improve the lives of today’s busy world citizens. We are proud to present our premier line of Bayard & Holmes Tactical Products.

Tactical Toothpaste

Sporting a stylish camouflaged tube designed to look like a regular tube of toothpaste, our Tactical Toothpaste is guaranteed to have you cursing as creatively as any Marine gunnery sergeant or Navy boson’s mate in only four days. Be sure to keep a tube handy for those visits to your girlfriend’s parents. And it’s certain to make your teens the most popular kids in summer camp!

Tactical Toilet Paper

Feeling like a wimp? Scared of your boss, your mother-in-law, or the wild rabbits in your yard? Our Tactical Toilet Paper is certain to rough you up and cure even the worst case of Candy Ass. You’ll be asserting your rights in no time.

image from memegenerator.net

Tactical Tennis Shoes

Run like the wind; strut like a badass. You won’t need air soles to float in these shoes!

Tactical Condoms

She’ll know she’s been with a soldier. *wink, wink*

Tactical Thongs

Designed to “cover” your ass and keep the Taliban from spotting you while experiencing those intimate moments sure to arise during tactical operations in foreign countries. Inspiringly shaded in Forest Camo, Arctic White, or Desert Beige.

Portable Tactical Big Screen TV and 60 Horsepower Generator

No backpacking trip would be complete without our Kevlar-shielded, IED resistant 72” screen. Why should you suffer without your sports bar just because you’re camping?

Tactical Beer

Enhance your wilderness TV experience with a case of world famous B&H Tactical Beer. Real badasses don’t tolerate fancy Northern European imported crap. B&H is brewed with arctic glacier water which delicately separated from the indigenous ice of the arctic as an unforeseen benefit of nuclear weapons testing. We also use only the finest hops captured from our competitors’ warehouses where we are unimpeded because they’re way too scared to try and stop us once they see us in our Tactical Tennis Shoes.

Tactical Beer, image by Alexander Olm at flickr.com

This glow-in-the-dark gourmet beverage will double as your Tactical Light Source. Because let’s be honest here. Flashlights are for geeks.

Tactical Dog Food

Between the LSD and the anabolic steroids in this dog food, even a worthless little teacup poodle transforms into a charmingly psychotic attack dog that answers to “Killer” takes out any annoying visitors with a slight lift of your left pinkie. This one is especially useful during this growingly hostile campaign season.

WARNING: Keep this product out of reach of gerbils.

We Bayard & Holmes Laboratories have even developed a line of Children’s Tactical Products.

Tactical Crayons

Our specially designed crayons created by our contract engineers deep in the heart of Magic Mountain are made of hard plastic. They are impossible for your child to draw with, making clean up a snap. These are perfect at home, in the classroom, or for birthday parties because you don’t want to raise some pansy a$$ liberal artist type anyway.

Tactical Children’s Lunch Box

Is your angelic kindergartener being bothered by those demonic third grade boys? To hell with that equivocating guidance counselor. We’ve got your practical, tactical solution. The Tactical Children’s Lunch Box, evening the score for the little kids since about ten days and four hours ago.

Every Tactical Children’s Lunch Box contains a top quality phosphorous grenade cleverly disguised as a Disney Princess or Avengers thermos. Guaranteed to slip unnoticed past the most diligent school crossing guard.

Tactical Brownies, image by jeffreyw at wikimedia commons

Each Tactical Lunch Box also includes a dozen hand-wrapped poison brownies, lovingly crafted in our bakery, that your budding Rambo can share with any enemy combatants he or she might encounter in the elementary school lunchroom.

Place your orders in the comments section below, and keep an eye out for our Tactical Holy Water and the rest of our Tactical Religious Products due out for the Holiday Season.

What Bayard & Holmes Tactical Products would you like in your home? What would you like us to set our lab rats to developing? We look forward to your business.

 

© 2012 Piper Bayard. All content on this page is protected by copyright. If you would like to use any part of this, please contact us at the above links to request permission.

Fun Stuff We Found on Pearl Street

By Piper Bayard

Last week, I had the pleasure of a visit with historical fiction author and publishing attorney Susan Spann. So what did we do? Well, we went shooting, of course, but we also made a stop at Boulder, Colorado’s home of the funky and eccentric. We fit right in. Here are a few things we found at the Pearl Street Mall.

First off, a hat. Don’t tell Best Selling Author Kristen Lamb. It’s her Christmas present. 🙂

Then we came across Fifty Shade of Bacon.

And in case you want a pickle with your bacon . . .

After all of this Bacon Spotting activity, Susan was left with a Frozen Smile.

We also found kitchen gadgets with uses we could not discern.

Me and Gene Simmons, right?

Fifty Shades of Pastry?

And we thought cat hair was useless once it fell off the cat.

An interesting conjunction of cookbooks.

And here’s Susan, embracing the spirit of Pearl Street. Watch for her debut novel, a ninja historical fiction mystery, due out July 16, 2013.

What fun things have you found on vacation?

All the best to all of you for enjoying your surroundings.

 

The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Bathroom Stall TV

This is a picture I took in the Ladies Room of our local Red Robin restaurant.

I guess we just wouldn’t want to miss one minute of those political conventions, would we?

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order 

New York Times Best Selling Author Bob Mayer is doing an excellent series on Special Operations Forces. Do You Know Who Special Operations Forces Are & What They Do? Part 1

Susan Spann Writes with Dragons and Seahorses over at The Debutante Ball, a group blog for select writers who are releasing their debut novels within the year. Congratulations, Susan!

“Too many people underestimate what a big deal that simply staying in the game really is.” Pearl of wisdom, that. Maturity–The Difference Between the Amateur and the Professional by Best Selling Author Kristen Lamb.

What do you call your fluffy friends? Cat Names 101 by Amy Shojai.

Sometimes our purpose is to serve as a warning to others. Renee Jacobson has some great tips learned from hard experience. Rebooting Myself after the Great Computer Crash: You Gotta Back That Thang Up

Success Tips from a Drama Dog is up at Paige Kellerman’s blog. Stop by and congratulate her on the birth of her son, “Doc Holiday,” who came in at close to 10 lbs. Reporting Live: The Fat Eagle Has Landed

Super fun and informative article from Leslie Hedrick – A Vague History of Monasticism.

This video comes to us today from Shawna Coronado, the Queen of Green. WARNING: Do not medicate before viewing this or you will get nothing else done today!

Now for the Poll Daddy campaign style question of the day.

All the best to all of you for knowing when and where to indulge.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse