Holiday Survival — Obnoxious Flirts and Toddler Trees

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

This month, Holmes and I are dedicated to spreading cheer and relieving the tension of the holidays. We invite you to send your questions to me, a pragmatic author/belly dancer and not-so-closet redneck, and Holmes, a man with experience in intelligence and covert operations who thinks 90% of life’s problems can be solved with sex, C4, or hollow points.

Let’s take a look at what’s on your minds this week . . .

Natalie Hartford sent us the following:

What do you do when the hostess’ husband just won’t stop flirting with you shamelessly in front of his wife? I mean…I am one hot mama and I can’t seem to shake them off no matter how cold and unaffectionate I am. I fear my gal pals will stop inviting me because they think I am hussy who’s going to steal their man. . . . I swear, I am innocent!

I need a fool proof, and discreet way, to knock these suckers out!

The Governess by Rebecca Solomon wikimedia

The Governess by Rebecca Solomon

Bayard:

I can certainly sympathize, Natalie. I seem find myself in this dilemma all the time.

Forget discreet. I suggest you announce loudly that your hubby wasn’t able to attend the party with you because everyone in your swingers group is suffering from a rather persistent strain of syphilis. The only reason you’re well enough to be there is because you were Patient Zero. That should cool the man’s ardor and relieve the women’s fears in one stroke. Or at least it will make for an interesting evening.

Holmes:

Well, Natalie as a first line of defense, you might say something like “Oh, excuse me. I got a text. It’s my husband’s lawyer. Hubby just beat ANOTHER murder rap!”

For the hard core case who doesn’t respond well to that, drop 5 milligrams of powdered Ambien into his drink. He should pass out in a few minutes. If he has had enough alcohol, there’s a chance the Ambien technique will kill him, but his wife must be tired of him by now if he’s that big of a goon. Be sure you don’t touch the glass or be seen adding the powder. In some areas, police actually investigate murders.

As an alternative to a possible murder charge, you could invest in a visit from one of our Spanking Santa teams. Also, if you know enough about him, you could arrange to have him called to a distant emergency prior to your arrival. Someone I know once convinced someone that he would be arrested if he didn’t go immediately to the state police office—70 miles away—and post a small bail for a ticket that he hadn’t even received. It worked like a charm. . . . So I’m told.

State Police Car Matt Zalewski wikimedia

Image by Matt Zalewski, wikimedia commons

Jenny Henson is feeling desperate . . .

How do we fit both an active toddler (and her toys) and the Christmas tree into our living room. It’s hurting bad right now…

Bayard:

Get a four foot tree and tell her the Christmas tree IS the toy. I’m sure she’ll have a great time pulling it over and trashing it. Just be sure the only ornaments you have on it are small stuffed animals and large, unnecessary plastic objects.

Holmes:

Oh gosh. I am envious. Lets prioritize.

In this case, since she is a toddler, I’d say that Christmas is all about her. In a couple of years she’ll be explaining that the only Santas are those crazy guys from Bayard & Holmes that spank and relocate bad guys during the Christmas season. Enjoy her Christmas excitement while you can.

This Christmas should be one of her very best. Do whatever needs to be done to make the tree safe for her without you spending weeks guarding it during her every waking moment. How about a smaller tree this year? One without lights, razor sharp glass bulbs, or toxic chemicals? You can easily tether it to a corner with some stout cord and a minimum of hardware.

Decorate it together with her paper snowflakes or whatever she colors so that it is her art project and she can be proud of it. If anyone else doesn’t like the way your little girl decorates the tree, threaten them with a visit from us. Her version of a decorated tree won’t look as “impressive” as whatever they’re putting up in the White House this year, but anyone not smart enough to tell her that her tree is fantastic should not be allowed in your child’s home any way.

I miss having a young child at home at Christmas time. If you can’t make room for her because of a tree, then you keep the tree and I’ll entertain her for Christmas. If you decide that my wife and I can’t borrow her for Christmas, then please consider taping her on Christmas day and sending us a clip. In fact, I would love to see any of our readers’ children excitedly opening their presents or doing all the other great things they do during the holidays.

Paper Snowflakes IlexSythe wikimedia

Image by IlexSythe, wikimedia commons

Please tell us about your Holiday Survival dilemmas in the comments section below. Nothing warms our hearts during the holiday season like turning your problems into our opportunities. And remember, no question is out of bounds, but our answers might be.

The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Whisky Advent Calendar

Whisky Advent Calendar by Master of Malt

Whisky Advent Calendar Lets You Booze in the Days Leading Up to Christmas

Perfect for that ‘one in every family’. Click the title for full story.

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order 

Check out this awesome cover for Historical Fiction Author Susan Spann’s debut novel!

CLAWS OF THE CAT is the first of The Shinobi Mystery series about a ninja detective in medieval Japan, due out next July. To help Susan celebrate her unveiling, drop by her blog and leave a comment for a chance to win a $20 gift certificate to Barnes & Noble. CLAWS OF THE CAT cover reveal and contest!

Apparently, Amazon has been removing reviews. Best Selling Author Joe Konrath tells us about his experience in Amazon Removes Reviews.

High Concept Blogging: Achieving Bloggy Goodness in Record Time by Jenny Hansen at More Cowbell.

Best Selling Author, Social Media Jedi, and Founder of WANA Int’l Kristen Lamb is offering a blogging course. As her original guinea pig, I can’t recommend her classes highly enough. Blogging to Build an Author Brand

Two of my favorites in the same place, Donna Newton and Julie Glover. British Invasion: Donna Newton Chats about English

November isn’t just a month to honor the mustache, it’s a month to raise Prostate Cancer Awareness. Join Nigel Blackwell for Movember and keep yourself or your guy healthy.

Sunday is Veterans Day, a time to remember and thank the people who dedicate their lives to keeping us safe. Today, my hat is off to Admiral Willard. Admiral Willard’s Above and Beyond Performance in the face of interrogation from Congress reminds us of the many and varied duties and responsibilities of our service men and women around the world. How this guy didn’t crack up laughing is just beyond me. Now that is some serious training and discipline.

My profound thanks to all of our Armed Forces and your families for your service. Whether you are a clerk in a stateside supply office or you are on SEAL Team Six, you are an important part of making our country strong.

Seems the only thing people universally want to keep from the election season is the Campaign Poll Daddy Question of the Week. 🙂

All the best to all of you for a week of not tipping Guam.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Savoir Faire Consulting Service

The Holiday Season is fast approaching. Soon, life will be a whirlwind of dinner parties and fetes. We realize that we will be the main topic of discussion for many of our readers at these parties, and we’d like to do our best to help our reputations and yours. We’re proud to introduce to you today the new Bayard & Holmes Savoir Faire Consulting Service.

As a recovering boy from the hood and a bellydancing closet redneck, we are more than qualified to assist anyone, even the most long suffering Je N’ais Pas Faire victim, in developing the necessary social savvy and handy fake veneer of sophistication.

To help you determine precisely how much coaching you’ll need to maximize your social success while mingling with sophisticates during the holiday season, our intelligent, educated, worldly team of Savoir Faire Savants (us) have developed the following quiz.

A)   Which of the following sentences best reflects how you handle wardrobe issues?

(Men)

  1. What sort of slob would go out without his white shirt and cufflinks?
  2.  I like cufflinks, but some of my white shirts have buttons.
  3. White shirts are ok, but a little color never killed anybody.
  4. I never go to a party without wearing my Hawaiian shirt.

(Women)

You shopped for three days to find the perfect dress. The hostess compliments you on it when you walk in. Your response is . . . .

  1. This thing? I almost gave it to the maid, but I decided to wear it once first so that she would value it more.
  2. Why, thank you. You’re too kind.
  3. I almost fired my shopping assistant for bringing this thing home, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings so I wore it tonight.
  4. It fit perfectly into the pocket of my knock-off Louis Vuitton purse when I ducked into the fitting room. The eighty-year-old Walmart security guard didn’t stand a chance.

Choose the most accurate sentence that describes your attitude and behavior at an evening social event.

B)   When you’re seated at the table, you discover an abundance of silverware at each place setting. How do you react?

  1. You point out that they have forgotten to include an oyster fork.
  2. You confidently use the silver in order as each course is served.
  3. You cautiously wait to see which fork the host and hostess use when, and then you mimic them.
  4. I brought my switchblade. I don’t need their utensils.

C)   You receive a formal invitation stating that dinner will begin at 8:00 p.m. What do you do?

  1. You arrive at 8:40 p.m. with a re-gift of the same crystal bird statue the hostess had given you six months before. When she welcomes you, you tell her that you’re glad you could help improve her party with your presence.
  2. You arrive at 8:15 p.m. with a bottle of wine and flowers.
  3. You arrive at 7:45 with no wine or flowers and ignore the hostess while hovering over the oven, waiting for the hors d’oeuvres.
  4. You arrive empty-handed at 7:15, compliment the hostess on how great her ass looks in her dress, ask for the TV, and demand a cold one.

D)   The hostess’s very aged and not altogether coherent grandmother is attending the party in her wheelchair. She attempts a conversation with you but is having difficulty forming sentences. How do you respond?

  1. Mrs. Vanderbilt, I see you’re not on your medication. And why don’t they dress you properly any more? I’ll see if I can find someone to attend to you.
  2. It’s so good to see you. I always think of our last time together and how much fun we had. You’re looking great this evening.
  3. You quickly walk away; grab the elbow of the overly ambitious and not too attractive self-important flirter who had been regaling you with his tales of grandeur, whispering seductively into his ear, “Oh, Chauncey. I want to introduce you to one of the world’s most important business women.” Then you deposit Chauncey with Mrs. Vanderbilt and escape back to the party.
  4. You pretend to be her caring nurse and roll her outside behind the garage in her state of light dress and leave her shivering there pleading for mercy as you return to the party.

E)   A man in a dreadfully tailored tuxedo with the unpleasant odor of an unfashionable brand of gin on his breath arrives late to the party. While staring at your chest, he attempts to engage you in a plebian conversation concerning politics. How do you respond?

  1. You point him to the kitchen and tell him he is late for work.
  2. You excuse yourself with an urgent but polite tone and seek out conversation elsewhere.
  3. In a condescending tone, you ask him, “Is that really your tuxedo or did you steal it off a homeless man?”
  4. You whisper seductively, “Come closer,” and when he does, you deliver a hard blow to his head with a candlestick.
F)   You’re feeling sleepy. What do you do?
  1. You announce your departure to everyone with the explanation that you can’t stay late tonight because you’re expected at Buckingham Palace in the morning.
  2. You graciously thank your host and hostess for a lovely evening and quietly depart.
  3. You tell your host you’ve had a bit too much to drink, and ask him if he wouldn’t mind having his wife drive you home?
  4. You take the host’s 18-yr-old daughter to the guest bedroom and retire for the evening.

Now add up your score for your Savoir Faire Social Quotient.

1 = 1

2 = 2

3 = 3

4 = 4

Score of 5 or less – This is not the proper curriculum for you. You might consider some math tutoring.

Score of 6 – 9 – You’re an arrogant, insufferable snob. If anyone is still inviting you to parties at this point in your life, we advise that you decline those invitations. They are probably only inviting you in the hopes of drowning you in the pool as a source of amusement for the rest of the guests.

Score of 10 – 20 – You’re the sort of person who could most benefit from our Savoir Faire Consulting Service. Stick with us, and you’ll be at the top of the social list in no time.

Score of 21 – 24 – Not all the news is bad. For one thing, there is no need for you to attend the Bayard & Holmes Savoir Faire Consulting Service. You’ll almost never find yourself invited to a party, and if you did, it’s unlikely that the penitentiary where you are serving time would grant you a release to attend. Think of the money you’ll save by not having to upgrade your evening wear.

Now that you have your starting point pinned down, we here at Bayard & Holmes stand ready to assist you with all of your Savoir Faire dilemmas.

What was your score? What questions do you have this Holiday Season for our worldly Savoir Faire Savants (us)?

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes–Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points