Mothers are Born of Children

By Piper Bayard

image by Sam Pullara, wikimedia commons

image by Sam Pullara, wikimedia commons

It’s children who deliver mothers into the world. Before children, we are daughters, girlfriends, and wives. But until we love a child, we are not mothers. The part of us that grows into a mother remains a child until a child becomes more important to us than we are to ourselves.

Mother’s Day is the day we honor the women who were delivered by children. The women who love us more than they love themselves, whether they are our actual mothers and grandmothers, or the sisters and mentors who have come into our lives and taught us what love means.

Today, I not only think of my beloved mother, who smiles down on me as I love her grandchildren and laughs at me each time I use the klunky electric skillet I always teased her about. But I am also made complete with gratitude toward my children. The people who gave birth to the mother in me. I would not be me without them.

This one is for the babies. The ones who keep us forever young . . . Thank you.

To all women who love a child more than they love themselves, Happy Mothers Day.

All the best to all of you for staying forever young.

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Life, Death, and the Sex License

By Piper Bayard

Themes of death and birth, that cycle of apocalypse and renewal, surrounded me this week. A dear friend’s father died, a good soul who made the planet better by his presence. Another friend hit the magic 28 weeks and breathed a sigh of relief that her unborn child now has the odds in his favor. And in our house? My 9th grade son, who I could swear just started walking yesterday, applied for his Sex License.

 

Canstock photo -- Not my son.

Canstock photo — Not my son.

 

“So Mom. How old is old enough to have sex?”

I’m well aware that almost any religion on the planet would offer a moral answer to that question. I’m also aware that the guiding light of morals tends to dim in the dashboard lights. I mean, think about it. How many “good kids” did you know in high school who lost “it” at church camp or spawned prom babies because THEY would never do THAT? I needed to give him something real. Something tangible. So I said what I think most parents would say in my shoes.

“Uuuuhhh . . .”

“I get my Learner’s Permit at 15.”

“Not fifteen!”

“Well, I get my Driver’s License at 16, and driving a car is a serious responsibility.”

“A car doesn’t get pregnant when you drive it. And you don’t get hepatitis or AIDS from a car.”

“So Mom, how old is old enough?”

“Well, you know you can have a baby every time you have sex, even with birth control. I mean, have you noticed your little sister running around here? Latex loophole baby.”

“Eeewww! Maaahm!”

“Hey. You opened the door for that one.”

So we talked about sex. We noted how young men are most biologically suited for killing bears and starting families. I commiserated with him about how the modern economics of supporting families are out of sync with natural urges and the sight of teen girls in mini-skirts. We pondered the fact that the most important decision he will make in life is choosing the mother of his children. And I can hear some of you dear readers now . . .

“He asked his mother? He needs to talk to his dad. His dad will set him straight.”

I’m sure his dad WOULD give him a different answer. And my writing partner, Jay Holmes? Let’s just say he’s been a student of sex, C4, and hollow points for a very long time, so it’s safe to assume he won’t be backing me up on this one.

But as I studied my man-child and tried to give him real world answers to his real life questions, at least from a mother’s perspective, I realized something. Life so loves Itself that no amount of death can discourage it for long. At least not while there are teenage boys, and girls in mini-skirts.

UK Ueber Alles! — Reporting Terrorist Toddlers

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Every now and then, we here at Bayard & Holmes are reassured that not all of the political crack heads in the democratic world reside in the US Congress or the White House.

As part of its counter-terrorism and security efforts, the UK has already enacted its “Prevent” program. Under the dictates of Prevent, 44,000 UK health care workers underwent one day of training to teach them to recognize potential terrorists. Now, patients from cradle to grave who enter UK health care facilities are having their terrorist potential evaluated. Fortunately for the Western world, a 9-yr-old extremist has already been identified and “deprogrammed,” thanks to this new human intelligence branch.

 

Armed and dangerous potential terrorist. Note the glee on this future terrorist's face as he contemplates his innocent target.

Armed and dangerous potential terrorist. Note the glee on this future terrorist’s face as he contemplates his innocent target.

 

In a follow up to this, the UK is currently considering a bill that would require all teachers to report children as young as toddlers as “potential terrorists.” One assumes the teachers would also be given one day of training to enable them to distinguish child terrors from child terrorists. (See UK Could Require Teachers to Report Would-Be Terrorists.)

Since both of us raised kids who periodically terrorized us during their adolescence years, we have a few suggestions for the UK to beef up their Counter-Toddler-Terrorist initiative:

 

  • Install CCTVs in each nursery school disposable diaper bin to monitor the true down and dirty activity of the UK’s Most Dangerous Babies. This is a critical task, which should only be trusted to the UK’s most prominent statesmen. Therefore, the top thousand Home Ministry officials will be vested with the duty of monitoring these CCTVs from their laptops 24/7.

 

  • Each toddler will be given an iPad and taught to Google search. GCHQ, the UK’s equivalent of the US’s NSA, will monitor the children and detain any of them who search on “Winnie the Pooh-Bomber” or “Blow Up Paddington Station Bear.”

 

  • All baby monitors will be tuned to the same channel and will be monitored at GCHQ 24/7. Any children babbling “Allahu Akbar” when they should be napping will be immediately detained.

 

  • Some suspiciously unpatriotic individuals in the UK are not taking the Home Office plans seriously, making comments like, “I knew those bastards were daffy!” To inspire those wafflers into the right attitude to maintain the UK’s safety from those who would overrun her and destroy her principles, “God save the Queen” will be replaced by the inspiring Nazi war hymn “Horst Wessel.” A few words of the lyrics will be changed to lend a uniquely British flavor to the song. Heil Home Minister! UK Ueber Alles!

 

 

 

And Boys Become Men

By Piper Bayard

Thirteen years ago today, a generation of little boys and girls learned that there are evil people in this world whose only desire is to kill everyone they cannot control. Even as children, it ignited a passion in them to protect the innocents. Those boys and girls are becoming men and women.

Tonight, my son’s friend is coming to dinner. He ships out to boot camp at the end of the month. He is only one of many.

Today, I not only remember the souls and the innocence we lost on 9/11, I also salute those who are still responding by dedicating their lives to keeping that relentless evil in check. And with all I am, I wish I had something more to give to those young men and women than steak, potatoes, peach pie, and a mother’s prayers.

Never forget.

The End Is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Black Market Used Pregnancy Tests

Women are Selling Positive Pregnancy Tests?

Positive Pregnancy Test

Yep. You heard it right. Used pregnancy tests are now for sale on Craig’s List. Just in case you think screwing a guy over to get him to marry you is the right start for building a life together.

Click on the title above to view the text version.

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Susie Lindau brings us fantastic pictures from the Colorado Flood Zone–Storm Chasing During Boulder’s 100-Year Flood. The storm was upgraded to a 500-Year Flood shortly after she posted this.

Former Boulder resident and New York Times Bestseller Bob Mayer reminds us, Seriously, You HAVE to be PREPARED for Emergencies.

Paige Kellerman proves her brilliance by finding humor in the fact that her house is sinking into the ground. For reals. In the Meantime, We’re Still Sinking. I also highly recommend her book, which I am currently enjoying–At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles. It will have you ROFL from the pregnancy test to the post-partum Pilates DVD.

At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles

10 Facts You Should Know about Migraines

20 Questions to Master Self-Reflection by Nathaniel McMillan at Mature by Nature.

Siri Paulson’s Guide to Train Travel in India.

Looking for Bigfoot? Follow This Map–Others Have Seen ‘Em There

Labor Leader: Obamacare “Needs to be Repealed” if Union Demands aren’t Met. Apparently, Obamacare is only for those who aren’t in Congress and who don’t have union leaders who can get them out of it.

A lot of people are wondering how we ended up with the outrageously expensive travesty that is Obamacare. This short, hysterical  film could help explain it. Help Kickstart WWIII!

I know. We all need a drink after that one. Can’t help you with that, but I can cheer you up with this story of solid decency. Dairy Queen Worker’s Good Deed Goes Viral

By fashion maven Jessica Farkas, Glam Closet: To Accessorze or Not . . . THAT is the Question! Great guidelines for those of us with Fashion Deficit Disorder.

Or how about some porn? Jenny Hansen at More Cowbell brings us the Porn-Watching Map of the U.S.

This article by Special Operations Speaks Out sums up the information that the Obama administration is withholding from the public about Benghazi. An Open Letter to Speaker of the House John Boehner

And to leave a sweeter taste in your mouth, the 4-Ingredient Key Lime Pie from K.B. Owen.

The kids are all back in school, so here’s one in honor of all of the teachers. Thank you for your time and efforts. Feel free to do this if you ever see my kid on the phone during your class.

Campaign Style Poll Daddy Question of the Week:

All the best to all of you for a week of keeping it real.

Piper Bayard

Answering the Bumper Stickers

By Piper Bayard

Bumper stickers. Sort of like Bathroom Readers for the road. I wonder sometimes if people even think about what they put on their cars. Take this popular one, for example:

image from cafepress.com

image from cafepress.com

Why stop with random acts of kindness? When did the goal for kindness get lowered from “habit” to “random”? How lazy is that? This assumes I’m normally a jerk and need to upgrade to “random” kindness, or it lowers the bar from “habitually kind” to “randomly kind.”

And how about the second half? An act of “Senseless beauty.” What the heck does that even mean? Beauty is a noun, and the word “senseless” means “with no apparent purpose.” Since when does beauty need purpose? It is not an act, but a subjective experience of aesthetic appreciation of something external to ourselves.

Perhaps a more meaningful bumper sticker would be “Consistent acts of kindness and experience of beauty.”

Another favorite is this preachy beauty:

image by pbyrne, wikimedia commons

image by pbyrne, wikimedia commons

Can someone please tell me why the people driving the cars with this bumper sticker are always the first to flip off others in traffic and keep “competitors” from merging?

Then there are the politically preachy bumper stickers. “Wow. That bumper sticker really changed my mind about the upcoming election!” . . . Said no one ever.

And, of course, no discussion of bumper stickers would be complete without  the honor student bumper stickers.

image by cafepress.com

image by cafepress.com

image by zazzle.com

image by zazzle.com

image by zazzle.com

image by zazzle.com

And my personal favorite . . .

image by zazzle.com

image by zazzle.com

Seems like a few folks have their egos a bit tied up in their kids. All of this glorification of children on bumper stickers makes me want to answer with this license plate that I saw last week at Costco.

image by Piper Bayard

image by Piper Bayard

And Costco has just the lime cilantro chili sauce for that.  🙂

What are some bumper stickers and license plates that stick out in your mind?

The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Dolphin-Assisted Childbirth

Dolphin-Assisted Birth: Heather & Adam Barrington Plan Cetacean-Filled Labor

I’m sure I saw these people down on Pearl Street in Boulder, Colorado once. Just hope thier precious moment doesn’t turn into shark-assisted childbirth. Click on the title above for the text version.

image by Javier Yaya Tur Ciudad de las Artes y las Ciencias

Midwives
image by Javier Yaya Tur
Ciudad de las Artes y las Ciencias

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

“Susie Strong” is the phrase for the day. My friend, superblogger Susie Lindau, is having a double mastectomy this morning. After much thought and consideration, she decided to share her journey through her fight against breast cancer at her blog, Susie Lindau’s Wild Ride. The Boob Report – Laughter is the Best Medicine  Many prayers for Susie Lindau. I’m confident that she will beat this.

Screenwriter, author, and bacon connoisseur Ryne Douglas Pearson has some great insights into the current publishing world. Peeps: Ryne Douglas Pearson

The latest Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, known as the DSM, is out. Some folks in the business are saying it looks more like a Psychiatrists Relief Act, since pretty much everything can now be classified as a Mental Disorder, right up to and including drinking too much coffee. Drinking Too Much Coffee is Now a Mental Disorder. I guess there’s more money in labeling it than in just saying it’s bad for you.

image by Hendrike wikimedia commons

image by Hendrike
wikimedia commons

Ellie Ann has another Bad Girl for us with her Bad Bible Stories. She certainly has a way of making theology come alive. Bad Bible Stories: The Woman Who Ended the Battle with a Rock

World War I Veteran: The Last of the Great War’s Soldiers Speak

Summer storms are worse than ever. EF-4 and EF-5 tornados, once freakishly rare, are becoming par for the course. Jenny Hansen gives us some great tips on surviving disasters. In the Wake of Tragedy: What’s the Most Important Survival Question You Can Ask?

Patrick Stewart, best known as Captain Picard or Professor Xavier, gives a passionate response to a question at Comicpalooza 2013, opening a window into his personal experience with domestic violence as a child and the connection to Shell Shock, a.k.a. PTSD.

I’m lucky enough to have an Advance Release Copy of Susan Spann’s CLAWS OF THE CAT. You could get one, too, by entering her contest over at Summer Publaw (& a contest): Conference Style. Set in 1500s Japan, CLAWS is the ultimate cozy mystery with a healthy dose of “Cool, I didn’t know that” on the side.

Fae Rowan has an outstanding series on attachment disorders and Why We (and Our Characters) Fall in Love over at Writers in the Storm. This link leads to part four in the excellent four part series. And as far as which ones we identify with, I’m taking a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell stand.

What do you remember about prom? Renee A. Shuls-Jacobson takes a fun look back. I Remember Prom

Which of your favorite shows survived the May Sweeps? Tiffany A. White keeps us informed on the TV Scene. Spring Cleaning – 2013 Edition

Aaron Patterson of Stonehouse Ink isn’t just an awesome publisher to work with, he’s also a #1 Amazon Best Seller and a YouTube sensation. This is his take on a Mentos commercial. Mentos Commercial Spoof 2

All the best to all of you for a week of good health care choices.

Piper Bayard