The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Bacon-Wrapped Ford Fiesta

Bacon-Wrapped Ford Fiesta

Proving once again that everything’s better with bacon. Click on title for text article.

Bacon Wrapped Ford Fiesta

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Of course with this headline, my first thought was Best Selling Author of Cop Killer and Bacon Aficionado, Ryne Douglas Pearson. A One-Way Trip to Mars via Ryne.

Why I’m on Strike Today:  I can’t support myself on $7.85 at Burger King by Willietta Dukes at The Guardian.

Stop Jumping Jack Dogs by pet whisperer and thriller author Amy Shojai.

Rihanna writes A Letter to Miley Cyrus in a level-headed response to her criminal misuse of stage time.

Big congratulations to USA Today’s Best Selling Author Vicki Hinze! She and her co-authors of the Dangerous Desires Boxed Set make the List this week. Write on, Vicki! Now only $0.99 at Amazon.

Dangerous Desires

KM Huber tells us how Craniosacral Therapy is unique. The Gentle Touch

Slenderman’s Coming for You by Catie Rhodes at Misterio Press.

A Warning to College Profs from a High School Teacher via Sonia G. Medeiros.

The brilliant comedian Christina Bianco Diva Impressions ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ as Adele, Celine Dion, Julie Andrews, and others. Seriously impressive.

All the best to all of you for a tasty week.

Piper Bayard

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Epic Battles: Bacon Vs. Grumpy Cat

By Piper Bayard

The two most popular social media memes are Bacon and Grumpy Cat, but as Highlander fans can tell you, “There can be only one!” The time has come to decide, and the showdown is right here and now. Who will rule the Cyberverse, Bacon or Grumpy Cat?

Bacon

Bacon

BACON, give us ten reasons why you should be Ruler of the Cyberverse rather than Grumpy Cat . . .

1.  Bacon doesn’t need a litter box.

2.  You can wrap bacon around a filet mignon and get it back.

3.  Bacon doesn’t fight with your dog.

4.  Bacon doesn’t cough up hairballs in your house shoes.

5.  Bacon doesn’t pee in your laundry when it gets mad at you.

6.  If bacon wakes you up at 5:00 a.m., it makes you smile.

7.  Bacon never scratches your furniture.

8.  Bacon doesn’t leave dead animals in your bed.

9.  Bacon tastes good all by itself. If a cat tastes good, it’s probably because it was cooked in bacon.

10. Bacon doesn’t need to be neutered, because you can never have too much bacon.

And now to you, Grumpy Cat . . . Give us ten reasons you deserve to rule.

Grumpy Cat No

Well, there you have it folks. Time to cast your vote. Who is your choice to be the Ruler of the Cyberverse, Bacon or Grumpy Cat?

Here’s the good news. Enter the FIRELANDS Apocalypse Reader/Blogger Challenge, and you won’t have to choose! Reader prize includes BOTH bacon AND a stuffed Grumpy Cat to keep you fed and in good cheer during the post-apocalyptic devastation. They come with the Swedish FireKnife, barter goods, a signed copy of FIRELANDS, and an Eddie Bauer Go Bag.

No purchase necessary to win. Readers can enter now by signing up for the Bayard & Holmes Newsletter. If you have a copy of FIRELANDS, you can enter by leaving a quote or reference to the book for me here, on FB, or on Twitter. You can also enter by leaving reviews at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, iTunes, or Goodreads. Feel free to enter multiple ways. Each entry counts.

Swedish Fire Knife on the Dock

Bloggers can enter by blogging about anything to do with apocalypse and linking back to the original FIRELANDS Apocalypse Reader/Blogger Challenge posting. Your prize will be a feature at the Social In Worldwide, Inc., blog network with over 2 million Twitter followers.

See FIRELANDS Apocalypse Reader/Blogger Challenge for more details.

Drawings will be held at midnight, July 18–tomorrow night!

Field on Fire Canstock

Eighty years in the future, America has devolved into a totalitarian theocracy. The ruling Josephites clone the only seeds that grow in the post-apocalyptic climate, allowing their Prophet to control who eats, who starves, and who dies in the ritual fires that atone society.

Subsisting on the fringes, Archer risks violation and death each day as she scours the forest for game to feed her people. When a Josephite refugee seeks sanctuary in her home, Archer is driven to chance a desperate gamble. A gamble that will bring down the Prophet and deliver seeds and freedom, or end in a fiery death for herself and for everyone she loves.

Seeds are life . . . Seeds are power . . . Seeds are the only hope of a despairing people. What will Archer do for the seeds of freedom, and what will she justify in their name?

FIRELANDS

Available from Amazon in Paperback and on Kindle

Also in e-book at Barnes & Noble and Kobo,

and at iTunes for iPad and mobile devices.

The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Aporkalypse – Global Bacon Shortage

When I first saw this, I realized that the extremist Jewish peace organization, Sons of Isaac, and the extremist Islamic peace organization, Sons of Ishmael, have teamed up with activist group, Vegetarians for Peace. The serene triumvirate, in an effort to bring about that elusive thing known on beauty pageants as “world peace,” banned together around their only common belief, which is that bacon is unclean or just plain evil. Calling themselves the Children of Abraham and People Who Love Miss Piggy, they conspired to strengthen inter-cultural unity by somehow creating a drought that led to a shortage of pig feed, which led to a shortage of pigs and will, therefore, create a shortage of bacon for bacophiles around the world next year. This solves any remaining mystery of global warming and gives the rest of the world good reason to stick our heads in the oven.

image from wikimedia

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Monday, we wrote up our Wish-We’d-Missed Connections and asked you which one you thought was false. Forty-six percent of you voted for the “Creep Out on Aisle Nine” as the false story, and you are correct. Miss “Je Ne Sais Quoi” is something that has happened more than once. Also, I’m sorry to say that the pervert described in “Roman Holiday” was one of my first experiences in Rome when I was 15 and as green an apple as ever fell from a tree. I didn’t even have the words to describe what he was doing back then. As for the “Virtual Reality” Cyber-Masher, he/she/it was all too real, though I couldn’t print Holmes’ exact quote on a PG-13 blog. I’ve laughed pretty hard in my life, but this one stands out. Thank you for sharing the moment and  your missed connections with us!

Best Selling Author and Awesome Fellow Larry Enright just released his latest excellent literary fiction, A Cape May Diamond.

Writing is just one activity on the creative continuum. 6 Things I Learned about Writing from Gardening by RWA Hall of Fame Writer Justine Dare Davis.

Last day for Christian Fiction Fall Scavenger Hunt! International Best Selling Author Vicki Hinze shares the details.

Town Turns Tables on School Prank. How one gutsy girl responds to high school bullies. Historical fiction author and publishing attorney Susan Spann directed me to this. Also, Susan has an outstanding interview over at Chuck Wendig’s site, Susan Spann: The Terribleminds Interview.

This one is getting more relevant by the minute. From Knox McCoy, How to Not Be the Worst at Discussing Politics.

From Old Jules at So Far from Heaven, Who has Been an Inspiration in Your Life? Some people do for strangers what most won’t do for their own.

Apparently, Iran’s efforts at creating nuclear bombs and the continued failing of the economy aren’t keeping politicians busy enough so they are now micromanaging school lunches by federally mandating portion sizes. This is one high school’s response to such Nanny State interference.

And no. School lunch prices did not decrease with the smaller portions.

And now for our Poll Daddy campaign-style question of the week.

All the best to all of you for preparing for the rainy days.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Tactical Bacon? . . . We’ve Got Tactical Beer!

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Recently, we discovered the ultimate bacon product, Tactical Bacon from thinkgeek.com.

Because who would want to face the Apocalypse, a camping trip, or a simple plate of eggs without 18 servings of ten-year-old bacon efficiently shoved into a 9 oz. can?

When we saw this, our first thought was to hope the Scots aren’t working on Tactical Haggis. Our second thought was to look around our world and notice how many “tactical niches” needed filling.

Inspired, we took a can of Tactical Bacon back to Bayard & Holmes Laboratories where we currently have 10,000 lab rats and four communist Chinese engineers hard at work in our Product Research Division. Their mission? To convert the ordinary into the highly efficient, combat ready tactical products needed to improve the lives of today’s busy world citizens. We are proud to present our premier line of Bayard & Holmes Tactical Products.

Tactical Toothpaste

Sporting a stylish camouflaged tube designed to look like a regular tube of toothpaste, our Tactical Toothpaste is guaranteed to have you cursing as creatively as any Marine gunnery sergeant or Navy boson’s mate in only four days. Be sure to keep a tube handy for those visits to your girlfriend’s parents. And it’s certain to make your teens the most popular kids in summer camp!

Tactical Toilet Paper

Feeling like a wimp? Scared of your boss, your mother-in-law, or the wild rabbits in your yard? Our Tactical Toilet Paper is certain to rough you up and cure even the worst case of Candy Ass. You’ll be asserting your rights in no time.

image from memegenerator.net

Tactical Tennis Shoes

Run like the wind; strut like a badass. You won’t need air soles to float in these shoes!

Tactical Condoms

She’ll know she’s been with a soldier. *wink, wink*

Tactical Thongs

Designed to “cover” your ass and keep the Taliban from spotting you while experiencing those intimate moments sure to arise during tactical operations in foreign countries. Inspiringly shaded in Forest Camo, Arctic White, or Desert Beige.

Portable Tactical Big Screen TV and 60 Horsepower Generator

No backpacking trip would be complete without our Kevlar-shielded, IED resistant 72” screen. Why should you suffer without your sports bar just because you’re camping?

Tactical Beer

Enhance your wilderness TV experience with a case of world famous B&H Tactical Beer. Real badasses don’t tolerate fancy Northern European imported crap. B&H is brewed with arctic glacier water which delicately separated from the indigenous ice of the arctic as an unforeseen benefit of nuclear weapons testing. We also use only the finest hops captured from our competitors’ warehouses where we are unimpeded because they’re way too scared to try and stop us once they see us in our Tactical Tennis Shoes.

Tactical Beer, image by Alexander Olm at flickr.com

This glow-in-the-dark gourmet beverage will double as your Tactical Light Source. Because let’s be honest here. Flashlights are for geeks.

Tactical Dog Food

Between the LSD and the anabolic steroids in this dog food, even a worthless little teacup poodle transforms into a charmingly psychotic attack dog that answers to “Killer” takes out any annoying visitors with a slight lift of your left pinkie. This one is especially useful during this growingly hostile campaign season.

WARNING: Keep this product out of reach of gerbils.

We Bayard & Holmes Laboratories have even developed a line of Children’s Tactical Products.

Tactical Crayons

Our specially designed crayons created by our contract engineers deep in the heart of Magic Mountain are made of hard plastic. They are impossible for your child to draw with, making clean up a snap. These are perfect at home, in the classroom, or for birthday parties because you don’t want to raise some pansy a$$ liberal artist type anyway.

Tactical Children’s Lunch Box

Is your angelic kindergartener being bothered by those demonic third grade boys? To hell with that equivocating guidance counselor. We’ve got your practical, tactical solution. The Tactical Children’s Lunch Box, evening the score for the little kids since about ten days and four hours ago.

Every Tactical Children’s Lunch Box contains a top quality phosphorous grenade cleverly disguised as a Disney Princess or Avengers thermos. Guaranteed to slip unnoticed past the most diligent school crossing guard.

Tactical Brownies, image by jeffreyw at wikimedia commons

Each Tactical Lunch Box also includes a dozen hand-wrapped poison brownies, lovingly crafted in our bakery, that your budding Rambo can share with any enemy combatants he or she might encounter in the elementary school lunchroom.

Place your orders in the comments section below, and keep an eye out for our Tactical Holy Water and the rest of our Tactical Religious Products due out for the Holiday Season.

What Bayard & Holmes Tactical Products would you like in your home? What would you like us to set our lab rats to developing? We look forward to your business.

 

© 2012 Piper Bayard. All content on this page is protected by copyright. If you would like to use any part of this, please contact us at the above links to request permission.

Fun Stuff We Found on Pearl Street

By Piper Bayard

Last week, I had the pleasure of a visit with historical fiction author and publishing attorney Susan Spann. So what did we do? Well, we went shooting, of course, but we also made a stop at Boulder, Colorado’s home of the funky and eccentric. We fit right in. Here are a few things we found at the Pearl Street Mall.

First off, a hat. Don’t tell Best Selling Author Kristen Lamb. It’s her Christmas present. 🙂

Then we came across Fifty Shade of Bacon.

And in case you want a pickle with your bacon . . .

After all of this Bacon Spotting activity, Susan was left with a Frozen Smile.

We also found kitchen gadgets with uses we could not discern.

Me and Gene Simmons, right?

Fifty Shades of Pastry?

And we thought cat hair was useless once it fell off the cat.

An interesting conjunction of cookbooks.

And here’s Susan, embracing the spirit of Pearl Street. Watch for her debut novel, a ninja historical fiction mystery, due out July 16, 2013.

What fun things have you found on vacation?

All the best to all of you for enjoying your surroundings.

 

The End is Near (and we deserve it). . . . Squeez Bacon in a Bottle

My editor/mentor/friend and Best Selling Author Kristen Lamb started a trend this week of giving me +K on Klout about Bacon. Several others followed suit, and this week’s End is Near is my expression of gratitude. Thank you for associating me with the choice gastronomic delight of Mt. Olympus. 🙂

So many uses, so little time. *deep sigh* I’m betting this will be a post-apocalyptic staple along with Twinkies and Spam.

Announcements, Blogs, and Articles in No Particular Order

Speaking of bacon, the awesome Prince of Prose and Porcine Delights, Ryne Douglas Pearson, now has his books Confessions and All for One available in audio. Also, watch for his new release, Cop Killer, later this summer.

New York Times Best Selling Author and Heckuva Guy James Rollins released his latest Sigma Force novel, Bloodline, this week. In it, war dog Kane and his handler join the Sigma Force team. Watch for an interview with this outstanding author  here with Bayard & Holmes on Monday, and click on this link for James Rollins’ Bloodline Tour Dates. Don’t be shy. Stop in and say hello. He’s a very nice man.

Jenny Hansen hosts Kasey Matthews, author of Preemie: Lessons in Love, Life, and Motherhood. Inside the Life of a Preemie Parent

As my son says, “When life gives you lemons, say ‘screw this’ and go get a steak.” Susie Lindau knows where to find her steak where the weather is concerned. I Am So Hot! and Dancing for Rain! A Colorado Wildfire Photo Essay

My friend and high school classmate Bob Farkas sent me this spoof on espionage which isn’t entirely a spoof. Tradecraft at The Covert Comic, by John Alejandro King.

Great advice for writers who are experiencing ‘white out’ from International Best Selling Author and Graceful Lady Vicki Hinze. White Out–When Writers Blank Out on the Page

The funny and clever zombie advocate, Shantnu Tiwari, reports that Zombies Demand Equal Pay and Rights.

Facebook’s New ‘Find Friends Nearby’ Feature: Creepy or Clever?

I found this kind of cool. Dutch artist Florentijn Hofman created this giant Rubber Duck that measures nearly 12 meters high as part of his Rubber Duck Project in 2009. Since then Hofman has taken the Duck around the world to float it down rivers and other major international water-ways. No doubt it baffles people, but I’m guessing it brings on lots of smiles.

As Hofman says, “The Rubber Duck knows no frontiers, it doesn’t discriminate (against) people and doesn’t have a political connotation.” It just makes people smile. This video was taken in Osaka, Japan where rubber ducks are apparently quite proliferous.

Okay, fess up. Will you be trying the Squeez Bacon? 

All the best to all of you for a week of simple smiles.

Piper Bayard