Obnoxious Relatives? Call the Spanking Santa!

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

The most wonderful stressful time of the year is upon us. Long lines, visiting relatives, and credit card bills that give bankers a warm, fuzzy feeling in their wallets. But fear not! Bayard & Holmes Holiday Survival is back once more to help you navigate this cauldron of tension without beating anyone bloody with a turkey leg.

A spook and a belly dancer. Not us. Image from The Man with the Golden Gun.

We, a pragmatic author/belly dancer and a spook who solves most of life’s problems with sex, C4, or hollow points, are clearing our schedules so that we can assist you with your holiday survival questions. In fact, we’ve had a few pleas for assistance already.

Sarah Broogenstegler in Research Pod 3, Antarctica, sent us this desperate missive.

Dear Bayard & Holmes:

My husband, Clyde, and I love the Holidays. Unfortunately, six years ago, after a ten-year stint in Joliet Prison for a Ponzi scheme that bankrupted twelve hospitals, Clyde’s Uncle Harry started showing up uninvited on Christmas Day. We tried to be charitable the first year, but he drank all of our alcohol and mouthwash and fell in the punch bowl. It splashed on the Christmas lights and shorted them out. The ensuing fire nearly burned down the house.

Clyde is a pacifist and made me sell my .45 Colt automatic years ago. Rather than reintroduce firearms into our lifestyle to deal with Uncle Harry, we relocated to Antarctica. Last week, though, we got a radio message that Harry had somehow acquired our GPS coordinates and was hitching a ride with Greenpeace activists to get down here for Christmas.

I’m in tears! Please help!

Bayard & Holmes:

Dry your eyes, Sarah. We’re sending a bottle of Spanish sherry and our Little Holiday Helper to you at this very moment.

While the rest of the nation wasted summer days fretting over politics or battling squash bugs in their gardens, our talented staff here at Bayard & Holmes created a tactical solution to the Uncle Harrys of the world. Today, we proudly unveil the new Bayard & Holmes Spanking Santa* and His Band of Merry Elves.

Spanking Santa and his Band are hand-picked, highly trained Allied combat veterans whose specialty is conflict resolution, and they are here to serve you. When Harry rings the doorbell on Research Pod 3, our Spanking Santa Team will arrive moments later, fully armed with state-of-the art wooden paddles and ready to give Harry the Over-the-Knee Session of his life.

image from Department of Defense

Yes, yes, we know . . . Harry was unarmed and you did let him in voluntarily. Not a problem! Santa’s Merry Elves are experienced federal witnesses. Once they’ve entertained the Judge with their sworn testimony as to how Harry threatened your lives—they heard it themselves—Harry will be carted off to spend the Holidays visiting his old friends in Joliet Prison.

It’s win/win for everyone. Harry finally gets the stable family life that he has always craved, and you get to laugh all night about how Santa “took him to the woodshed” like he’s always deserved.

On the same line, Charlie from the Shetland Islands asks . . .

What about my brother, Filbert? He loves being spanked and often pays pricey women in London to do that for him. Wouldn’t a visit from Spanking Santa just make him show up more often?”

Bayard & Holmes:

An excellent question, Charlie. Our Spanking Santa Teams are well trained to spot any “patients” who might be enjoying the medicine a little bit too much. For those tough cases, our Spanking Santa Teams are authorized and prepared to administer electroshock therapy. Let us know if Filbert likes that too much, too, and we’ll recruit him as a test subject at our laboratories.

Then there was this slightly awkward question from “Kelly” with no last name or return address . . .

Hey, can you send Santa over to spank me?

Bayard & Holmes:

Well, Kelly, we don’t know if you are male or female or some combination thereof, but we’re afraid that if you’ve been well-behaved and simply enjoy this sort of thing, you’ll have to convince your significant other to take care of that. We hope you have fun and remember to play safe. Use a Nerf paddle. We have some at a great low price.

What survival issues are you struggling with this Holiday season? Remember. No question is out-of-bounds, but some of our answers might be!

*Spanking Santa Teams come fully equipped for all contingencies. Video cameras and DVD copies sold separately.

Looking Back at Fifty — You Can’t Fix Stupid

By Piper Bayard

I turned fifty in 2013, and in my life, I’ve learned that growing old sucks. Small strains take months to heal, old wounds are new aches and pains, and where the young woman I was had the world for a smile, the woman I am now knows the treasures only won with my labor. But as far as I can tell, growing old still beats the alternative, so I’m still doing it. At least for today.

While turning fifty is a traumatic event for so many people, I find it a release and a relief—an opportunity to embrace my inner curmudgeon. I’ve now earned the right to regale young people with my cautions and advice. If I had to narrow it down to ten gems, here’s what they are . . .

Canstock Treasure

  1. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to keep getting what you’re getting.
  2. If you change yourself, you will change your world.
  3. Embrace your deepest fears, and they will guide you to fulfillment and purpose—unless it’s a fear of bungee jumping. It’s probably okay to pass on that one.
  4. The best exercise is the one you will do.
  5. Be the person you want to meet, and you will meet the person you want.
  6. If your head is full of what you think you know, you have no room left to learn anything.
  7. It’s no skin off your butt to be kind.
  8. Everyone’s a head case. The only real question is if they are a head case you can live with.
  9. You can’t fix stupid.
  10. Intelligence is the ability to learn from your mistakes, and it has nothing to do with IQ.
  11. If you didn’t give birth to them or marry them, you’ve got no business criticizing them.
  12. Donuts are the world’s most powerful social grease, particularly at your kids’ school office.
  13. Never sweat the count. 🙂

What are the gems you’re willing to share from your experience? Come by our new site, Bayard & Holmes, and leave a comment. 

Looking Back at Fifty

Wishing you all a 2014 full of wonder, grace, and helpful life lessons. Happy New Year!

The Spanking Santa–A Holiday Survival Essential

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

The most wonderful stressful time of the year is upon us. Long lines, visiting relatives, and credit card bills that give bankers a warm, fuzzy feeling in their wallets. But fear not! Bayard & Holmes Holiday Survival is back once more to help you navigate this cauldron of tension without beating anyone bloody with a turkey leg.

A spook and a belly dancer. Not us. Image from The Man with the Golden Gun.

We, a pragmatic author/belly dancer and a spook who solves most of life’s problems with sex, C4, or hollow points, are clearing our schedules so that we can assist you with your holiday survival questions. In fact, we’ve had a few pleas for assistance already.

Sarah Broogenstegler in Research Pod 3, Antarctica, sent us this desperate missive.

Dear Bayard & Holmes:

My husband, Clyde, and I love the Holidays. Unfortunately, six years ago, after a ten-year stint in Joliet Prison for a Ponzi scheme that bankrupted twelve hospitals, Clyde’s Uncle Harry started showing up uninvited on Christmas Day. We tried to be charitable the first year, but he drank all of our alcohol and mouthwash and fell in the punch bowl. It splashed on the Christmas lights and shorted them out. The ensuing fire nearly burned down the house.

Clyde is a pacifist and made me sell my .45 Colt automatic years ago. Rather than reintroduce firearms into our lifestyle to deal with Uncle Harry, we relocated to Antarctica. Last week, though, we got a radio message that Harry had somehow acquired our GPS coordinates and was hitching a ride with Greenpeace activists to get down here for Christmas.

I’m in tears! Please help!

image from Department of Defense

Click on the link below to find out the Bayard & Holmes solution to this holiday dilemma. Remember to subscribe while you’re there. We don’t want to miss you in the move!

Bayard & Holmes

The Spanking Santa —

A Holiday Survival Essential

Echoes of Our Forefathers

By Piper Bayard

At this time in America’s history, partisanship is more heated than it has been since the Civil War. We are regularly smacked in the face by evidence that both major political parties put their own interests above the interests of our nation. While perusing a family heirloom, a book of newspapers from 1861 called The Crisis, I was struck by the similarities and relevance of many of the articles to our current political reality.  This article, in particular, stood out for me. I reprint it here in full, punctuation, spelling and all.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Portrait of George Washington by Charles Willson Peale

Portrait of George Washington by Charles Willson Peale

Washington’s Farewell Address

The Crisis, Columbus, Ohio, January 31, 1861

In this hour of our dread difficulties it is most important that we should “look before we leap;” that we should examine every step we make; that we should thoroughly understand the causes that have led to our great misfortunes, and thereby be prepared to act understandingly. We must not loose our cool and better judgment from excitement nor suffer our passions to get the better of our reason.

As we talk much of the precepts of “our fathers” it may be well for each and every one to read them, study them, and examine each for himself whether he has in word or deed departed from them. With this view we insert in this number of “the Crisis,” as an excellent preface to the work the Farewell Address of GEORGE WASHINGTON, who, by general concession, is called “the Father of his country.” No one can doubt the sincerity of WASHINGTON. His single hearted patriotism and parental love for the American people are a part of his charmed history. His words, therefore, and not those of a partisan or one seeking glory or popularity.

We call attention to three things in this Farewell Address:

1st. His warning against sectional politics. He foresaw that a government constituted as ours, the first and greatest danger was in the prejudices that were likely to arise between sections. Extending over so large an area of country, with so great a variety of soil and climate, with each separate State having full and exclusive control over its own local affairs, General WASHINGTON, with an eye devoted to our success in future years, warned us against the very evils that now afflict the whole land. Let those who have departed from this timely warning lay to their own hearts the kindling of that fire which is now consuming us. If too late to stay the terrible evil, it is not too late to repent and stay the severity of its progress.

2nd. He warns us also against the bitterness of party strife. In no portions of our history, has the country been afflicted with the same amount of senseless partisan warfare, as that of the last six or seven years. No measure worthy of a great nation could have a respectful hearing–no legislation of an absolute and practical nature could get due attention–every thing was sunk in the mere partisan, and the worst spirit of intermeddling with other people’s business, ruled the hustings and the legislative assemblies.

3rd. GENERAL WASHINGTON warns us to be jealous of the interference and intermeddling of foreign nations. It was important to governments of legitimacy that our experiment of self-government should prove a failure. As we grew in power and glory, the glittering paraphernalia of kings and nobles must diminish in lustre. Hence their early interference to aid us in knowledge and direct us to our ruin.

This last warning is peculiarly adapted to our present condition. Having contemned the first, that of avoiding sectionalism, and the sad consequences being in the full vigor all over the land, we shall have the offer of the serpent’s embrace, from every crowned head in Europe.

As we have not avoided the first error, let us not rush heedlessly into the embraces of the last, and thus add foreign bondage to our other misfortunes. Let every man keep his eyes and ears open, for he may see strange sights and hear strange sounds before we get our present fearful and lamentable difficulties adjusted.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

So often I hear people say the world is different, and our founding fathers could not foresee the issues we deal with today. On the contrary, I think the issues are exactly the same. We are a sectioned nation, defining ourselves as Red States and Blue States, urban and rural, and still in some places, North and South. We are a partisan nation, reduced to only two real choices with large segments of our population supporting anything their own party does, and ascribing everything their opposing party does to evil motives. And we are a nation in foreign bondage, spending far more than we have at every turn, and turning to countries that would love to see us fail to cover our excesses, thus giving them power over our weakness. Washington was spot on and every bit as relevant today as he was at the dawn of the Civil War and at the birth of the United States of America.

Today, I ask that we take a moment to remember that all Americans are Americans, regardless of where we live or our party affiliations. Perhaps if we all put America first over sectional, partisan, and foreign interests, we will begin to choose leaders who do the same.

Happy Fourth of July!

Holiday Survival — Dinnertime Dogma, Snooping Houseguests, and Christ’s Bar Mitzvah

By Piper Bayard

This month, Holmes and I are dedicated to spreading cheer and relieving the tension of the holidays. We invite you to send your questions to me, a pragmatic author/belly dancer and not-so-closet redneck, and Holmes, a man with experience in intelligence and covert operations who thinks 90% of life’s problems can be solved with sex, C4, or hollow points.

Brendan Stallard has a serious question for us, and it’s one that we’re sure many people have had to deal with over the years:

His problem relates to relatives who parrot dogma at the dinner table. “It seems as if all they want is to sit around the table and moan about the welfare mothers, tax dodgers and the grasping poor, and nod like idiot donkeys at one another at their meanness. They are all wealthy, and have never known much of hard work or poverty. I love them all dearly, as mad and crazy right wingers as they are.”

Reindeer fences SeppVei wikimedia public domain

Image by SeppVei.

Note how this reindeer fence makes an excellent boundary.

Some come in, some stay out, and we can still chat with them through the bars.

Bayard & Holmes:

You’re going to have to set some boundaries, and you have every right to do so. It’s your home. When people visit your home, they have to play by your rules or leave. And while hollow points and C4 might be fun, Christmas is always better if you can get through dinner without them so let’s look at alternatives.

You might want to call a truce to political discussions in advance of the gathering with a little, “Let’s agree to make this fun for everyone and stay away from politics this year.” People will still wander back to that topic by habit, at which you would be in a position to smile and say in a warm tone, “Hey, nooooo politics guys! It’s the holidays.”

No politics at a dinner table was a common social rule not very long ago so instituting that rule in your home would not be a radical departure from social norms. A smile and sweet tone of voice can make almost any rebuke acceptable to the other person. Just make sure you don’t answer their assertions with your own or the fight will be on.

A second approach would be to ignore their chatter and their opinions the way you might ignore a loud advertisement on the television. Envision yourself hitting a mute button and tune them out altogether.

The more extreme solution would be simply not inviting them. Our guess is that with good communication prior to the visit, though, you will not have to take that step.

Good luck! And please let us know how it goes.

Sneaking a Peek by Peter Fendi

Sneaking a Peek by Peter Fendi

Susie Lindau has an issue with nosey guests:

I wonder how to handle the obnoxious guest who tours the entire house including my closets and medicine cabinets?

Bayard:

The first thing that comes to mind is the memory of a young woman in my college dorm who was having issues with someone stealing her shampoo. My solution—I mean her solution—was to fill the shampoo bottle with hair remover.

Along those lines, I think it would be fun to take some sort of popular and attractive medication, like Ativan or Percocet, and put the bottle front and center in your medicine cabinet. However, before your party, take the real meds out and fill it with some sort of extreme laxative. Just remember to switch the meds back after everyone has gone home. When your guest is too “busy” the next day to leave his or her house, you can sit back and smile, knowing you’ve done the world a service.

Holmes:

Snooping when you are a guest in a home is something that CIA agents risk getting shot to do to targets in enemy states. It’s not reasonable conduct for legitimate guests.

Texanne and other readers suggested rigging loud alarms or other surprises to your medicine cabinet. This would be effective as long as you are up for the ensuing conversation with the violator. Perhaps I am naïve, but I have to wonder if your guest list is a touch to long. If these folks can’t be trusted with your medicine cabinet, can they be trusted to be in your home with your children?

Julie Glover is out of sync with the Holiday spirit:

How the heck can we get Christmas back down to 12 days? I’m a Scrooge until about December 15, when I think the Christmas season really should begin. If it wasn’t for “A Charlie Brown Christmas” and my church’s candlelight service, I might want to give up celebrating Jesus’ birthday altogether and see if there’s a quieter holiday for his bar mitzvah instead. (Okay, now that I re-read that, maybe the question is, How can I get in the holiday spirit?)

Bar Mitzvah at Western Wall in Jerusalem uploaded by Alwynloh wikimedia

Bar Mitzvah at Western Wall in Jerusalem. Not Jesus’ Bar Mitzvah, but no doubt similar.

image by Alwynloh, wikimedia commons

Bayard:

I think you may be onto something with that bar mitzvah idea, especially since Christ’s bar mitzvah would have been the same time of year, I’m guessing. When people wish you a “Merry Christmas” respond with “Matzel Tov!” Then write up their reactions and publish them. That way, you haven’t offended anyone, you aren’t celebrating Christmas before you’re ready, and you get some fun and a blog out of it. It’s win/win all the way around.

Holmes:

Christmas season starts for YOU when YOU say it does. Decorate on the day that you want to and ignore Christmas until then. The fact that others are in a “Christmas groove” doesn’t mean that you have to be. It’s YOUR Christmas. Make it what you want it to be.

Carry a water pistol with you, perhaps something in a festive red and green, and when people assault you with their Christmas spirit, give them a quick squirt and say, “Merry Christmas, my ass!” That should serve you with the dual purpose of putting them in their place, and you in the holiday spirit.

Please tell us about your Holiday Survival dilemmas in the comments section below. Nothing warms our hearts during the holiday season like turning your problems into our opportunities. And remember, no question is out-of-bounds, but our answers might be.

Holiday Survival — Obnoxious Flirts and Toddler Trees

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

This month, Holmes and I are dedicated to spreading cheer and relieving the tension of the holidays. We invite you to send your questions to me, a pragmatic author/belly dancer and not-so-closet redneck, and Holmes, a man with experience in intelligence and covert operations who thinks 90% of life’s problems can be solved with sex, C4, or hollow points.

Let’s take a look at what’s on your minds this week . . .

Natalie Hartford sent us the following:

What do you do when the hostess’ husband just won’t stop flirting with you shamelessly in front of his wife? I mean…I am one hot mama and I can’t seem to shake them off no matter how cold and unaffectionate I am. I fear my gal pals will stop inviting me because they think I am hussy who’s going to steal their man. . . . I swear, I am innocent!

I need a fool proof, and discreet way, to knock these suckers out!

The Governess by Rebecca Solomon wikimedia

The Governess by Rebecca Solomon

Bayard:

I can certainly sympathize, Natalie. I seem find myself in this dilemma all the time.

Forget discreet. I suggest you announce loudly that your hubby wasn’t able to attend the party with you because everyone in your swingers group is suffering from a rather persistent strain of syphilis. The only reason you’re well enough to be there is because you were Patient Zero. That should cool the man’s ardor and relieve the women’s fears in one stroke. Or at least it will make for an interesting evening.

Holmes:

Well, Natalie as a first line of defense, you might say something like “Oh, excuse me. I got a text. It’s my husband’s lawyer. Hubby just beat ANOTHER murder rap!”

For the hard core case who doesn’t respond well to that, drop 5 milligrams of powdered Ambien into his drink. He should pass out in a few minutes. If he has had enough alcohol, there’s a chance the Ambien technique will kill him, but his wife must be tired of him by now if he’s that big of a goon. Be sure you don’t touch the glass or be seen adding the powder. In some areas, police actually investigate murders.

As an alternative to a possible murder charge, you could invest in a visit from one of our Spanking Santa teams. Also, if you know enough about him, you could arrange to have him called to a distant emergency prior to your arrival. Someone I know once convinced someone that he would be arrested if he didn’t go immediately to the state police office—70 miles away—and post a small bail for a ticket that he hadn’t even received. It worked like a charm. . . . So I’m told.

State Police Car Matt Zalewski wikimedia

Image by Matt Zalewski, wikimedia commons

Jenny Henson is feeling desperate . . .

How do we fit both an active toddler (and her toys) and the Christmas tree into our living room. It’s hurting bad right now…

Bayard:

Get a four foot tree and tell her the Christmas tree IS the toy. I’m sure she’ll have a great time pulling it over and trashing it. Just be sure the only ornaments you have on it are small stuffed animals and large, unnecessary plastic objects.

Holmes:

Oh gosh. I am envious. Lets prioritize.

In this case, since she is a toddler, I’d say that Christmas is all about her. In a couple of years she’ll be explaining that the only Santas are those crazy guys from Bayard & Holmes that spank and relocate bad guys during the Christmas season. Enjoy her Christmas excitement while you can.

This Christmas should be one of her very best. Do whatever needs to be done to make the tree safe for her without you spending weeks guarding it during her every waking moment. How about a smaller tree this year? One without lights, razor sharp glass bulbs, or toxic chemicals? You can easily tether it to a corner with some stout cord and a minimum of hardware.

Decorate it together with her paper snowflakes or whatever she colors so that it is her art project and she can be proud of it. If anyone else doesn’t like the way your little girl decorates the tree, threaten them with a visit from us. Her version of a decorated tree won’t look as “impressive” as whatever they’re putting up in the White House this year, but anyone not smart enough to tell her that her tree is fantastic should not be allowed in your child’s home any way.

I miss having a young child at home at Christmas time. If you can’t make room for her because of a tree, then you keep the tree and I’ll entertain her for Christmas. If you decide that my wife and I can’t borrow her for Christmas, then please consider taping her on Christmas day and sending us a clip. In fact, I would love to see any of our readers’ children excitedly opening their presents or doing all the other great things they do during the holidays.

Paper Snowflakes IlexSythe wikimedia

Image by IlexSythe, wikimedia commons

Please tell us about your Holiday Survival dilemmas in the comments section below. Nothing warms our hearts during the holiday season like turning your problems into our opportunities. And remember, no question is out of bounds, but our answers might be.

Bayard & Holmes Savoir Faire Consulting Service

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

The Holiday Season is upon us. Soon, life will be a whirlwind of dinner parties and fetes. We realize that we will be the main topic of discussion for many of our readers at these parties, and we’d like to do our best to help our reputations and yours. We’re proud to bring you the Bayard & Holmes Savoir Faire Consulting Service.

image by Ugllbe, wikimedia commons

As a recovering boy from the hood and a bellydancing closet redneck, we are more than qualified to assist anyone, even the most long suffering Je N’ais Pas Faire victim, in developing the necessary social savvy and handy fake veneer of sophistication.

To help you determine precisely how much coaching you’ll need to maximize your social success while mingling with sophisticates, our intelligent, educated, worldly team of Savoir Faire Savants (us) have developed these questions.

A)   You receive a formal invitation for dinner at 8:00 p.m. What do you do?

  1. You arrive at 8:40 p.m. with a re-gift of the same crystal bird statue the hostess gave you six months before.
  2. You arrive at 8:00 p.m. with a bottle of wine and flowers.
  3. You arrive at 7:45 with no wine or flowers and ignore the hostess while hovering over the oven, waiting for the hors d’oeuvres.
  4. You arrive empty-handed at 7:15, compliment the hostess on how great her a$$ looks in her dress, and demand the TV and a cold one.

B)   When you’re seated at the table, you discover an abundance of silverware at each place setting. How do you react?

  1. You point out that they have forgotten to include an oyster fork.
  2. You confidently use the silver in order as each course is served.
  3. You cautiously wait to see which fork the host and hostess use when, and then you mimic them.
  4. I don’t need their utensils. I brought my switchblade.

image by HopefulRomntic, wikimedia commons

C)   The hostess’s aged and not-altogether-there grandmother is attending the party in her wheelchair. She attempts a conversation with you but is having difficulty forming sentences. How do you respond?

  1. Mrs. Vanderbilt, I see you’re not on your medication. And why don’t they dress you properly any more? I’ll get the nurse to attend you.
  2. It’s so good to see you. I always think of our last time together and how much fun we had. You’re looking great this evening.
  3. You quickly grab the elbow of the unattractive, self-important flirter who regaled you with his tales of grandeur and whisper seductively into his ear, “Oh, Chauncey. You must meet the world’s most important business women.” Then you deposit Chauncey with Mrs. Vanderbilt and escape.
  4. You pretend to be her caring nurse and roll her outside behind the garage. You leave her there shivering and pleading for mercy as you return to the party.

D)   A man in a dreadfully tailored tuxedo with the odor of gin on his breath arrives late to the party. While staring at your chest, he attempts to engage you in a plebian conversation concerning politics. How do you respond?

  1. You point him to the kitchen and tell him he is late for work.
  2. You excuse yourself with an urgent but polite tone and seek out conversation elsewhere.
  3. You look down your nose and ask him, “Is that really your tuxedo or did you steal it off a homeless man?”
  4. You whisper seductively, “Come closer,” and when he does, you deliver a hard blow to his head with a candlestick.

E)   You’re feeling sleepy. What do you do?

  1. You announce your departure to everyone, explaining that you can’t stay late tonight because you’re expected at Buckingham Palace in the morning.
  2. You graciously thank your host and hostess for a lovely evening and quietly depart.
  3. You tell your host you’ve had a bit too much to drink, and ask him if he wouldn’t mind having his wife drive you home.
  4. You take the host’s 18-yr-old daughter to the guest bedroom and retire for the evening.

image by Haber1000, wikimedia commons

Now add up your score for your Savoir Faire Social Quotient.

1 = 1;     2 = 2;     3 = 3;     4 = 4

Score of 4 or less

This is not the proper curriculum for you. You might consider some math tutoring.

Score of 5 – 7

You’re an arrogant, insufferable snob. If anyone is still inviting you to parties at this point in your life, we advise that you decline those invitations. They are probably only inviting you in the hopes of drowning you in the pool as a source of amusement for the rest of the guests.

Score of 8 – 16

You’re the sort of person who could most benefit from our Savoir Faire Consulting Service. Stick with us, and you’ll be at the top of the social list in no time.

Score of 17 – 20

Not all the news is bad. For one thing, there is no need for you to attend our Savoir Faire Consulting Service. You’ll almost never find yourself invited to a party, and if you did, it’s unlikely that the penitentiary where you are serving time would grant you a release to attend. Think of the money you’ll save by not having to upgrade your evening wear.

Now that you have your starting point pinned down, we here at Bayard & Holmes stand ready to assist you with all of your Savoir Faire dilemmas.

What was your score? What questions do you have this Holiday Season for our worldly Savoir Faire Savants (us)?