Bayard & Holmes CyberSmack – Rush Limbaugh

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

Last week, Georgetown law student Sarah Fluke testified at a congressional hearing and asked Congress to make it mandatory for employers to provide contraception coverage for their employees in their health insurance benefits.

In response, conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh called her a “slut” and a “prostitute.” Here’s his quote:

“What does it say about the college co-ed [Sandra] Fluke, who goes before a congressional committee and essentially says she must be paid to have sex?” Limbaugh asked. “What does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex. She’s having so much sex she can’t afford the contraception. She wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex.”

Not only did he blantantly misquote her, the next day he stated she should post videos of herself having sex as a way of compensating taxpayers for her birth control. (She was not advocating that taxpayers pay for anything.)

Even Rush’s “apology” mischaracterized the issue and could reasonably be construed as insulting:

Lest we get sidetracked into unnecessary discussions about employers’ rights, religious freedoms, or the rights and wrongs of contraception, there is an issue in this that is irrefutable, and that issue is that Limbaugh was a disgusting coward to bully this unsuspecting woman so completely while locked in the safety of his radio booth behind his microphone.

This type of misogynistic behavior is more typical of how we would expect a radio announcer in Saudi Arabia or Afghanistan to treat a woman. Limbaugh could have made his point and been plenty offensive without directing such rude, unjustified name calling at someone who was merely stating her well-considered position in a congressional hearing. For him to attack her so personally demonstrates a level of hostility toward women that should never be supported in a civilized society.

Therefore, Rush has earned a Bayard & Holmes CyberSmack.

We believe Rush needs to learn the value of civility toward women. Therefore, as part of his CyberSmack, we will be awarding him a ticket to Trinidad, Colorado, the gender change capital of the United States, where he will be transformed into a vague approximation of a woman. The operation should go something like this. . . .

image of Rush Limbaugh by Nicolas Shayko

image of Rush Limbaugh by Nicolas Shayko


image from FEMA

image from FEMA


We will then send Rush to Afghanistan with the mission of convincing the Taliban to be polite to women. To accomplish this mission, we will equip him with a special electronic device to translate his words from English to Pashto. When Rush says, “Hello, how are you today?” the translator will twist his words in the same manner he inflicts on everyone else and will produce a “Rush” of insults involving references to their impotence and their affection for goats.

The Taliban will then, no doubt, teach Rush how it feels to be an abused woman, and what life is like when a society has no value or respect for its women. That’s a place our country should never go, no matter what the issue.

What other fun can you think of to teach Rush how to behave toward women?


Victoria Has No Secrets — Bayard & Holmes Cyber Smack US Airways CEO

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

US Airways CEO Doug Parker has earned the honor of having his otherwise pathetic existence being mentioned on our web page. Doug’s claim to infamy is based on the fact that he collects a $2.8 million paycheck as the CEO of US Airways.

US Airways recently got some attention in the media, and like most of the attention that it has received since its merger with America West in 2005, that recent attention was negative.

On June 15, a US Airways pilot had Deshon Marman, 20, arrested because he did not pull up his pants above his boxer shorts in a timely fashion. An employee at the boarding gate in San Francisco asked Marman to pull up the baggy pajamas he was wearing because he was exposing his boxer shorts to God and everybody, none of whom cared to see them. According to his mother, who was traveling with him, Deshon’s hands were full of his luggage so he was not able to comply immediately. Instead, he boarded the plane, then pulled up his pants and sat down. As a result of his “defiance” of an order from a US Airways employee, the plane was evacuated, and he was taken away in handcuffs with the whole Reality TV treatment. Click here for more.

We have no problem with US Airways not allowing people in sagging pajamas to fly on planes that other members of the general public are paying to share. We’re personally sick and tired of people running around in public in their pajamas and underwear, and we’re glad US Airways showed a little bit of respect for the rest of the passengers by booting this youngster from the plane. But the story doesn’t end there. . . .

We have since found out that on June 9, six days prior to that incident, a middle-aged man dressed only in scanty women’s lingerie and a see-through shrug was allowed to board a US Airways flight in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Several passengers complained about the cross-dresser’s lack of clothing, but their complaints were ignored, and the panty-clad fellow was allowed to complete his flight.

Yes, really.

We see a double standard in this. If flying in scanty women’s underwear with no pants or skirt meets US Airways’ minimum requirements for attire, why was the young football player booted for having his boxer shorts exposed? While many people are offended by the overt display of boxer shorts, more people are offended by people walking around in any public place in nothing but their underwear, regardless of whether it is gender appropriate.

From our point of view, US Airways showed a lack of respect for its passengers when it allowed the Florida cross-dresser to board the plane without sufficient clothing. Had he chosen to fly in a black evening gown, an Ann Taylor ensemble, or any clothing similar to that worn by any other passenger, male or female, we would mind our own business concerning his personal dress preferences, and we would fly on the same plane without complaining.

We suspect what occurred here was political correctness run amok. While we would not want any cross-dresser to suffer any negative discrimination simply because they choose attire from the “other” side of the department store, we also don’t think that being a cross-dresser should earn anyone any special entitlements. Shame on US Airways for such spineless discrimination against it’s non-cross-dressing passengers.

The young man traveling in baggy pajamas was smart enough to contract an attorney. We don’t know how US Airways defense team is going to explain away the comparison to the cross-dresser. At this point, it looks like a jury will have the chance to sort that out.

Normally, we wouldn’t automatically blame the CEO for what could be the conduct of a few employees who are ignoring corporate policy, but US Airways has a long and distinguished record of bad customer service. Just so you don’t think we’re being too harsh with Douggie Parker, we’d like to point out a couple of the more heinous incidents at US Airways that we can recall.

  • In May, 2009, a blind man was dragged off a flight, jailed, and told he was faking his blindness. His crime? He was asking too many questions about why the flight was delayed. Click here.
  • US Airways booted a man with cerebral palsy from one of its planes in October, 2010, saying the man was too disabled to fly. Never mind that the man is a professional motivational speaker who has flown thousands of miles without his disability being an issue. Click here.
  • In January, 2011, they left an elderly stroke victim stranded in her wheelchair in the rain. Click here.

Since such an outstanding record of passenger abuse is evidence of a top-down problem, we are awarding US Airways CEO Doug Parker with a Cyber Smack. This prize includes weekly commutes as a normal passenger on his airline. To make his travel experience more entertaining (for the rest of us) Douggie will be required to negotiate the TSA checkpoint not once, but four times for each flight, and he will be required to fly in a wheelchair, with a mask covering his eyes. He will also be seated next to Rosie O’Donnell, who will be clothed in nothing except men’s underwear.

If Doug Parker proves to be more intrepid than we assume he is, and he actually survives a year of flying on US Airways without being killed or committing suicide, perhaps the experience will help him develop some compassion toward his passengers.

If you’ve suffered the misfortune of flying US Airways at some point in time, please share any special messages you may have for Douggie below in the comments.

Have you had any Close Encounters of the Troubling Kind with your airline carrier? Are there any airlines or airline employees you would like to give a Cyber Smack?

Some Folks Need a Cyber-Smackin’ – Neal Kumar Katyal

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

Here at Bayard & Holmes, we’ve created the Cyber Smack, because some folks need a good cyber-smackin’. A Cyber Smack is the cyber equivalent of a smack upside the head for being egregiously stupid or ignorant.

Neither of us is affiliated with any political party, and our only agenda, if we have one, is to turn your problems into our opportunities. (Click here.) As hard core moderates in every way, we are in the enviable position of getting to Cyber Smack everyone from Hollywood figures who think they are elected officials to actual officials who stun and amaze us with their astoundingly Hollywood-sounding pronouncements.

Right now, Obamacare is being litigated in the Federal Circuit Courts. At question is the power of Congress under the Commerce Clause, and whether Congress has the right to require every American to purchase health insurance. The concern is that, if Obamacare stands, there will be exactly no limit on what Congress can demand of Americans under the Commerce Clause in the future.

Whether you are Republican, Democrat, or some flavor “Brand X,” you have to admit that seriously stupid things are being said about this new approach to health care. In honor of those seriously stupid things, our first distinguished winner of the Bayard & Holmes Cyber Smack is Neal Kumar Katyal, Acting Solicitor General. Apparently, his interpretation of the American Dream is for all Americans to earn so little money that each and every one of us is eligible for welfare.

Neal Kumar Katyal, the political stunt double of Kumar from the Harold and Kumar movies, has decided to return to the big screen as Obama’s Acting Solicitor General. We wonder if, like his movie double, this Kumar consumes copious amounts of marijuana and, perhaps, other mind-altering substances, based on his recent oral argument in defense of Obamacare.

While the Harold and Kumar movies are somewhat entertaining, we find the scripting for this current screen novel to be highly revolting. Katyal defended Obamacare in court by saying that, if people didn’t like the individual mandate to purchase health insurance, they could avoid it by choosing to earn less money. . . . Really? . . . Is our administration really encouraging us to impoverish ourselves? And in this economy, when so many people are suffering from poverty already?

While Acting Solicitor General is, indeed, an acting role, we take this statement as a strong example of why presidents should not hire actors as Acting Solicitors General.

We’re partially in agreement with Neal Kumar’s suggestion that people earn less income, but our theory is a bit more limited. It’s limited to him. We’re suggesting that, in keeping with his troll-like role for the administration, we send him to New Jersey where he can live under highway bridges and fully experience his personal philosophy that Americans need to earn less money.

We thought about putting him to work in a fast food restaurant for minimum wage, but we didn’t want to take away the position from some honest, hard-working person who has more of a goal in life than earning so little money he does not have to purchase health insurance.

For his outstanding ability to keep a straight face while reciting insulting political gibberish in his battle to vastly expand the powers of Congress, we are awarding Neal Kumar Katyal with a well-earned Cyber Smack.

Consider yourself Cyber-Smacked, Kumar. The rest of us will sleep better with you residing under a dank highway bridge in New Jersey. Perhaps you’ll find employment with one of the only businesses currently experiencing growth in New Jersey. The Mafia. Between your face, your law degree, and your disregard for the truth, you should do well in the interview, and they will provide you with plenty of opportunities to spout gibberish to judges.

Do you think the McDonald’s application site will be shut down from the rush of people trying to lower their incomes? Who else do you think needs a Cyber Smack?