Savoir Faire Consulting Service

The Holiday Season is fast approaching. Soon, life will be a whirlwind of dinner parties and fetes. We realize that we will be the main topic of discussion for many of our readers at these parties, and we’d like to do our best to help our reputations and yours. We’re proud to introduce to you today the new Bayard & Holmes Savoir Faire Consulting Service.

As a recovering boy from the hood and a bellydancing closet redneck, we are more than qualified to assist anyone, even the most long suffering Je N’ais Pas Faire victim, in developing the necessary social savvy and handy fake veneer of sophistication.

To help you determine precisely how much coaching you’ll need to maximize your social success while mingling with sophisticates during the holiday season, our intelligent, educated, worldly team of Savoir Faire Savants (us) have developed the following quiz.

A)   Which of the following sentences best reflects how you handle wardrobe issues?

(Men)

  1. What sort of slob would go out without his white shirt and cufflinks?
  2.  I like cufflinks, but some of my white shirts have buttons.
  3. White shirts are ok, but a little color never killed anybody.
  4. I never go to a party without wearing my Hawaiian shirt.

(Women)

You shopped for three days to find the perfect dress. The hostess compliments you on it when you walk in. Your response is . . . .

  1. This thing? I almost gave it to the maid, but I decided to wear it once first so that she would value it more.
  2. Why, thank you. You’re too kind.
  3. I almost fired my shopping assistant for bringing this thing home, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings so I wore it tonight.
  4. It fit perfectly into the pocket of my knock-off Louis Vuitton purse when I ducked into the fitting room. The eighty-year-old Walmart security guard didn’t stand a chance.

Choose the most accurate sentence that describes your attitude and behavior at an evening social event.

B)   When you’re seated at the table, you discover an abundance of silverware at each place setting. How do you react?

  1. You point out that they have forgotten to include an oyster fork.
  2. You confidently use the silver in order as each course is served.
  3. You cautiously wait to see which fork the host and hostess use when, and then you mimic them.
  4. I brought my switchblade. I don’t need their utensils.

C)   You receive a formal invitation stating that dinner will begin at 8:00 p.m. What do you do?

  1. You arrive at 8:40 p.m. with a re-gift of the same crystal bird statue the hostess had given you six months before. When she welcomes you, you tell her that you’re glad you could help improve her party with your presence.
  2. You arrive at 8:15 p.m. with a bottle of wine and flowers.
  3. You arrive at 7:45 with no wine or flowers and ignore the hostess while hovering over the oven, waiting for the hors d’oeuvres.
  4. You arrive empty-handed at 7:15, compliment the hostess on how great her ass looks in her dress, ask for the TV, and demand a cold one.

D)   The hostess’s very aged and not altogether coherent grandmother is attending the party in her wheelchair. She attempts a conversation with you but is having difficulty forming sentences. How do you respond?

  1. Mrs. Vanderbilt, I see you’re not on your medication. And why don’t they dress you properly any more? I’ll see if I can find someone to attend to you.
  2. It’s so good to see you. I always think of our last time together and how much fun we had. You’re looking great this evening.
  3. You quickly walk away; grab the elbow of the overly ambitious and not too attractive self-important flirter who had been regaling you with his tales of grandeur, whispering seductively into his ear, “Oh, Chauncey. I want to introduce you to one of the world’s most important business women.” Then you deposit Chauncey with Mrs. Vanderbilt and escape back to the party.
  4. You pretend to be her caring nurse and roll her outside behind the garage in her state of light dress and leave her shivering there pleading for mercy as you return to the party.

E)   A man in a dreadfully tailored tuxedo with the unpleasant odor of an unfashionable brand of gin on his breath arrives late to the party. While staring at your chest, he attempts to engage you in a plebian conversation concerning politics. How do you respond?

  1. You point him to the kitchen and tell him he is late for work.
  2. You excuse yourself with an urgent but polite tone and seek out conversation elsewhere.
  3. In a condescending tone, you ask him, “Is that really your tuxedo or did you steal it off a homeless man?”
  4. You whisper seductively, “Come closer,” and when he does, you deliver a hard blow to his head with a candlestick.
F)   You’re feeling sleepy. What do you do?
  1. You announce your departure to everyone with the explanation that you can’t stay late tonight because you’re expected at Buckingham Palace in the morning.
  2. You graciously thank your host and hostess for a lovely evening and quietly depart.
  3. You tell your host you’ve had a bit too much to drink, and ask him if he wouldn’t mind having his wife drive you home?
  4. You take the host’s 18-yr-old daughter to the guest bedroom and retire for the evening.

Now add up your score for your Savoir Faire Social Quotient.

1 = 1

2 = 2

3 = 3

4 = 4

Score of 5 or less – This is not the proper curriculum for you. You might consider some math tutoring.

Score of 6 – 9 – You’re an arrogant, insufferable snob. If anyone is still inviting you to parties at this point in your life, we advise that you decline those invitations. They are probably only inviting you in the hopes of drowning you in the pool as a source of amusement for the rest of the guests.

Score of 10 – 20 – You’re the sort of person who could most benefit from our Savoir Faire Consulting Service. Stick with us, and you’ll be at the top of the social list in no time.

Score of 21 – 24 – Not all the news is bad. For one thing, there is no need for you to attend the Bayard & Holmes Savoir Faire Consulting Service. You’ll almost never find yourself invited to a party, and if you did, it’s unlikely that the penitentiary where you are serving time would grant you a release to attend. Think of the money you’ll save by not having to upgrade your evening wear.

Now that you have your starting point pinned down, we here at Bayard & Holmes stand ready to assist you with all of your Savoir Faire dilemmas.

What was your score? What questions do you have this Holiday Season for our worldly Savoir Faire Savants (us)?

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes–Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points

It Made Us Laugh

Holmes blew through town last night, just in time to save me from this man-eating mountain lion.  What a great friend!

We were up late laughing so I persuaded him to slack off for the day. Instead of his matchless history lessons or sarcastic humor, I’m posting this amazingly predictable but fun video that made us laugh. Hope you enjoy it, too.

Would your grandmother do this type of experiment?

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes–Student of Sex, C4 & Hollow Points

Moving Past Potter

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

Childhood’s end. The final Harry Potter. As Holmes and I look around, we find that, with Deathly Hallows, Part II out in the theaters, we are surrounded by fans in various stages of the Kubler-Ross grief process.

  1. Denial – “No. This can’t be happening! On that YouTube video J.K. Rowling talked about Pottermore and said she’ll be sharing information she’s been hoarding all these years. There must be another book.” *re-reads whole series while telling himself next book will be out before he finishes number seven for tenth time*
  2. Anger – “What do you mean there’s no more books? What do you mean Pottermore is just milking more money out of us for the same old stories? How can this be happening to me?” *gives spare copy of book two to niece and says he never wants to see it or speak to it again*
  3. Bargaining – “Let’s start a petition. No, . . . I know. We’ll kidnap J.K. Rowling like in Misery and tell her she can have her freedom for seven more Potter books.” *slips in through niece’s window and steals spare book two back*
  4. Depression – “Dear God! Why live?” *puts on Gryffindor robes and curls up in fetal position around all seven books*
  5. Acceptance – “It’s real. It’s happening. Harry Potter is gone. I must find healthy ways to fill the void and move on.” *extracts books from soggy piles of Kleenex covering bed and puts them on shelf next to VHS tapes of Star Trek movies*

Fear not, Potter fans! Here at Bayard & Holmes, we see your suffering, and we’re here to help. We have the following suggestions to help you move beyond Harry Potter and begin to live again:

  • Develop a taste for brandy.
  • Set up a telescope in your window and get to know your neighbors.
  • Put on a gas mask and play with your household chemicals.
  • Run through an airport in your skivvies and say it’s ok, that you’re a US Airways passenger.
  • Take the foot stirrups off of your broom and use it to sweep your porch.
  • Practice fantasizing about a date with a member of the opposite sex. Someone not named Harry, Ron, or Hermione.

If you find that it’s just impossible to find a new normal in a Potterless world, we have some great news for you. The Potter series isn’t really over! We have discovered through special intelligence channels involving owls, invisible ink, and a shoe phone that J.K. Rowling has hidden many magical stories and prophesies in the existing books. But they can only be discovered by the most worthy of fans who are willing to start with book seven and read the entire series backward. Out loud.

Had we bothered to read book seven backward in time, we would have known about Professor Trelawney’s prediction of the Rupert Murdock scandal. In chapter four of book six, we would learn from Draco Malfoy that there won’t be peace in the Middle East in this year century. In the second chapter of the third book, Harry has a revelation while playing quidditch that the Chicago Cubs don’t win the World Series in this or any other decade. And in book one, chapter twenty-four, Hermione finds a forbidden missive that says Tina Fey will win the 2012 Presidential Election, and Sarah Palin will be hired as her body double to fool any potential assassins.

Where are you at in your Harry Potter grief cycle? What prophecies have you discovered while reading Harry Potter backwards?

All the best to all of you for keeping your head out of the oven.