Make Your TSA Grope Memorable

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Spring break is kicking off the travel season, and summer is just around the corner. The DHS and the TSA are already using this timing to further justify molesting American citizens and irradiating them with shocking, and shockingly expensive, strip-scanners in airports, on highways, and in bus terminals.

 

Canstock image.

Canstock image.

 

Our advice to you? As Holmes says, “Avoid the radiation by all means. We shouldn’t be irradiating our citizens. Situations like this make me long for the Cold War. At least back then, our government knew who we were supposed to irradiate, and we weren’t planning to offer those SOBs any patdown options.”

We realize this subject causes great stress for many travelers, and our entire goal is to sell books alleviate your stress. So not long ago, we spent the better part of our evening sipping 10-yr-old Guinda* and discussing some creative methods of reducing your stress and lightening up the travel season for you and all of your fellow voyagers.

We want to extend our stress relief to TSA employees, as well. After all, except for the child molesters and other perverts among their ranks, they are mostly people who are just as beleaguered by their duty to grab your crotch as you are.

 

"Two by two, hands of blue." ~Firefly TSA agents in Boston. Image by DHS, public domain.

“Two by two, hands of blue.” ~Firefly
TSA agents in Boston.
Image by DHS, public domain.

 

We’re offering these suggestions to help you make your TSA Patdown fun for you and memorable for your TSA agent. Let’s fill America’s airports with laughter and joy this summer. It’s win/win.

1. Pretend you don’t speak English. Whatever translator they bring you, pretend you don’t speak that language, either.

2. If you’re traveling with a church group, you should all simultaneously cry out, “Hallelujah, the rapture is coming!” and start speaking in tongues.

 

 

3. Let yourself relax and enjoy it. In fact, moan loudly with pleasure. After all, lots of folks enjoy a good groping, and your TSA agents are hard at work looking for all of your security sweet spots. Be sure to cry out with passion to let your TSA agents know how much you appreciate their security technique. When it’s all done, compliment them, and if it’s your first time, let them know it was everything you dreamed of. Meg Ryan gives us a great example for the TSA encounter.

4. Educate your TSA agent to the benefits of becoming an Amway salesman and refuse to move on until you have finished with your sales pitch.

5. If you are a melanin-gifted traveler, and you’re being groped by a melanin-challenged TSA agent, burst out singing Perry Como’s “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” with the broadest smile you can muster. (We recommend against any rap songs about killing authority figures.)

6. Tell your TSA agent that if her groping inspires an out-of-body experience, you will reward her with a kiss and a phone call on the morrow.

 

Man in kilt enjoying his TSA grope. Canstock image.

Man in kilt enjoying his TSA grope.
Canstock image.

 

7. For men, wear a kilt with no underwear. When they get to your genitals, have a bouquet of flowers pop out of your cod purse playing Bad Romance by Lady Gaga. Then, in your best Mike Myers Scottish accent, exclaim, “Ah, Laddie, ye give such good grroope!”

If the TSA fails to offer you a complimentary groping and attempts to re-route you through a metal detector, remind them loudly that you paid full fare for this ticket, and you are every bit as entitled to a groping as any other traveler would be. And don’t worry. If you are a virgin, you will still be a virgin when they are finished. But if they offer the free cavity search, definitely turn them down.

Let’s fill America’s airports with laughter, song, and joy this summer travel season. It’s win/win. And remember, you’re in good hands with TSA.

All the best to all of you for avoiding all unwanted gropings.

 

The bottle we toast from on special occasions.

The bottle we toast from on special occasions.

 

*Guinda is a traditional Spanish drink made from cherries. It will give you a serious case of the warm-fuzzies.

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16 comments on “Make Your TSA Grope Memorable

  1. Don Royster says:

    This always works for me:

  2. This is hilarious. LOL. Fortunately I haven’t had to experience a pat down when at the airport, but these are some good suggestions. 🙂

  3. Avoiding air travel as it’s just too much trouble. Or I’m too much trouble. I forget. TSA has no sense of humor. And as stage dressing, they are annoying. Flash mob dances. Now those might make airports interesting

  4. Oh, how I wish I had these tips on my recent trip to PR! One time, a TSA guy took one look at me and loudly said, “Girl, I can’t even look at you you’re so fine…” Everyone was looking my way and fortunately he did not grope! Had he been cuter, I may have wished for the groping. 🙂 🙂

    • Piper Bayard says:

      That TSA agent deserves being reported to his supervisor. That is so wrong on so many levels. Good thing for him that Holmes didn’t overhear him saying that to a lady. Then his “grope” definitely would have been memorable. . . . Hope you at least get a cute one next time.

      • Seriously, I was shocked when he said it and felt so uncomfortable. I was upset by it but you know how us women can tell when a man is “harmless” and we can let them get away with something? That’s how I felt. He was older and I gave him a pass. The guy that really bugged me was on another trip after 9/11, when a National Guard Soldier in fatigues holding a rifle told me I couldn’t continue my walk to the gate unless I smiled and showed him the dimple on my chin. I WAS LIVID!!! Anyway, as I get older, I’ll take ANY compliment! Ha,ha.

        • Piper Bayard says:

          I know what you mean about taking any compliment as we get older. However, that TSA agent and the National Guard soldier were both way out of line. When a person in position of authority who can legally lay hands on your body makes comments like that, it is a violation no matter what their age or ours.

        • Piper Bayard says:

          Per Holmes: “Any time any soldier is out of line like that, say, ‘Who’s your commanding officer, boy?’ He should be in the brig.”

          • I am usually the type of person to stand up for myself and say things, believe me. I don’t know why in these two situations I let it go. The TSA guy was harmless, this soldier made me so mad! It probably didn’t help that both things happened when I had a plane to catch. Tell Holmes I feel safer already knowing he has my back! 🙂

  5. This kind of trivializes the critical job of TSA whose role is not to annoy and sexually harass you but to keep you safe from those people who would do worse than annoy you on a plane. Not to mention suggesting disrupting the process of airport security by not cooperating with TSA requests only makes traveling more exhausting when you have to wait for the chronic complainer ahead of you to get over their tantrum and do like the rest of us and go through security

    • Okay, you raise a valid point. However, I don’t think anyone is trying to say that the role of TSA isn’t important or that it is wise to complain or argue about going through security before getting on a flight. This is satire, and like any government agency, TSA isn’t perfect and there is room for improvement in some of their methods. I went on a family vacation to San Antoinio this last summer and flew there with my nephew. They were all set to let me get on the plane without extra screening and they screened my nephew more carefully. I am far from being an expert on how they go about determining who needs extra screening, but what made them so sure my nephew could be a potential problem and not me? I’ve discovered sometimes the people who cause the most trouble are the ones you least expect it from. Whatever the case, I don’t travel that often, so it wasn’t that big a deal. We just did what they asked, got on the plane and enjoyed our vacation. I just found it interesting. And as I pointed out, this is satire.

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