Frozen Bitch Face — What You Need To Know

By Piper Bayard

Everyone’s face freezes at forty-five.

Seriously. At forty-five, give or take a year or two, Frosty the Face Freezer breathes on us at an unpredictable instant, and the expression we are wearing on our face at that moment is frozen there. Forever.

This is great for people who laugh and smile on a regular basis no matter how Life has tried to eat them alive. Frosty catches them mid-mirth and leaves them with Frozen Happy Face. They are blessed with a reputation for kindness and wisdom throughout their old age. They get to be the Cool Old Farts that everyone goes to for advice and humor and fights to sit next to at the Thanksgiving table.

I can hear your question now. What happens if Frosty comes in to freeze my face when I’m frowning?

I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you, but that will result in the dreaded . . .

Frozen Bitch Face.

Frozen Bitch Face is that grumpy look that some people have etched on their faces in the form of permanent frowns and/or butt-shaped wrinkles between their eyebrows.


Note the ass between his brows. You see it, don't you? Image from CanstockPhoto.

Note the ass between his brows.
You see it, don’t you?
Image from CanstockPhoto.


You’ve seen Frosty’s victims. The Grumpy Old Farts who glare from their porches at children playing ball. The aging women in the grocery stores who pick up each perfect apple and frown before complaining to the produce stockers. And—ugh!—the people on Facebook who can’t stop beating us around the head and shoulders with bad news and warnings about everything from political conspiracies to the zombie apocalypse.

I hear your next question, too. We all have bad days. So what if I’m having a random bad day when Frosty comes?

Fear not! There are mitigating factors to minimize bad days and their long term effects on our faces.

The Effit Fairy

The first mitigating factor is called the Effit Fairy. The Effit Fairy can be Peter Pan or a seven-year-old girl with wings, whichever you choose, or both. I won’t judge.


My Effit Fairy Image from CanstockPhoto.

My Effit Fairy
Image from CanstockPhoto.


She visits on our fortieth birthday—well ahead of Frosty’s ambush—to remind us that life is short, and no one else is living it for us. She reawakens the child inside each of us who is too young to give a damn what other people think. She enlightens us to the fact that yoga pants in public are actually a classy fashion statement. And best of all, she encourages us to stop giving a crap if other people are “disappointed” in us. Instead, she teaches us to say EFFIT! Because no one else is paying our mortgage, or dealing with our boss, or feeling the pain of that ski injury on our behalf.

So listening to your Effit Fairy is the first and most important thing you can do to avoid Frozen Bitch Face.

Other things that mitigate your chance of having Frozen Bitch Face:

  1. Seek out laughter. Every time you laugh, you increase your chances that Frosty will freeze you with Happy Face.
  2. Find something to like about the people you don’t like, even if it’s only liking the fact that they live in another state.
  3. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all—also known as the Thumper Rule, since the rabbit in Bambi said it first. If Frosty catches you when you’re bitching about people, you will definitely get stuck with Frozen Bitch Face.
  4. Take time for romance. Let’s face it. People who enjoy the hunka-hunka as often as they can are far more likely to be smiling and relaxed when they get frozen.
  5. Find something to be grateful for every day. A grateful heart is a happy heart, and a happy heart makes for eventual Frozen Happy Face.

But what if I’m not approaching forty?

Easy. It’s never too early to practice. Trust me. You’ll need the practice. This positive outlook crap gets harder once arthritis sets in.


She got stuck. Image from CanstockPhoto.

She got stuck.
Image from CanstockPhoto.


But what if I’m over forty, and I’m already stuck with Frozen Bitch Face?

Take heart. All is not lost. Another Fairy comes to visit at fifty. She’s the Effoff Fairy. She makes it easy for you to tell anyone who doesn’t like your Frozen Bitch Face to Effoff, and that will make you smile. 🙂

So what are you doing to prevent or mitigate Frozen Bitch Face? Have you learned to say Effit yet, or are you already to the Effoff stage? I’d love to hear about your journey.


23 comments on “Frozen Bitch Face — What You Need To Know

  1. This is GLORIOUS!!! I am so going to share–thanks for making my day, week, decade!

  2. It is the Thumper Rule – had forgotten that. (And so many fretted over that show being too intense and scary for kids…how times have changed!)
    thanks for the grins today

    • Piper Bayard says:

      So true. My kids could only watch up to the point where Bambi and Faline hook up without getting upset. Now, you’ve got people taking their toddlers to American Sniper. A great movie, but not for snipers. . . . Glad you enjoyed the post. Thank you.

  3. caroleparkes says:

    This was a brilliant, funny post. Too late at nearly seventy, I guess.

  4. Reblogged this on mchllmdm and commented:
    I thought this was amusing.

  5. Catherine Johnson says:

    I’ve just turned forty and it really is true. I’m worrying less already. Chocolate is for the relapse days.

  6. This made me laugh, but I’m well over forty.

  7. Love how the perfect piece shows at the perfect time for me. Yes, this was quite amusing, but upon reflection I find that it is quite right as well. My ‘Effit Fairy’ didn’t visit on my fortieth birthday but throughout my fortieth year. I’m still in my forty-fifth year, I shall be mindful to avoid bitch face. Thanks for the helpful reminders for finding my forever smile…

  8. Who comes to visit at 64 and how best to bribe him?

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Since I’m not 64 yet, I’m not certain, but I’m guessing it might be the Go For It Fairy, allowing you to freely go after whatever you want, no matter how crazy, because you’re aware of how short the time is. It’s either that or the Can’t Get It Up To Care Fairy, and I’m guessing you might prefer to bribe him to stay away.

  9. Lee S. Hawke says:

    I have never heard it put this way, so delightfully. What an awesome method to get people to be good and happy. By telling them to listen to their Effit fairy. Brilliant.

  10. Thank you for the laugh and I think I’ve been visited by all of your fairies.

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