UK Ueber Alles! — Reporting Terrorist Toddlers

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Every now and then, we here at Bayard & Holmes are reassured that not all of the political crack heads in the democratic world reside in the US Congress or the White House.

As part of its counter-terrorism and security efforts, the UK has already enacted its “Prevent” program. Under the dictates of Prevent, 44,000 UK health care workers underwent one day of training to teach them to recognize potential terrorists. Now, patients from cradle to grave who enter UK health care facilities are having their terrorist potential evaluated. Fortunately for the Western world, a 9-yr-old extremist has already been identified and “deprogrammed,” thanks to this new human intelligence branch.


Armed and dangerous potential terrorist. Note the glee on this future terrorist's face as he contemplates his innocent target.

Armed and dangerous potential terrorist. Note the glee on this future terrorist’s face as he contemplates his innocent target.


In a follow up to this, the UK is currently considering a bill that would require all teachers to report children as young as toddlers as “potential terrorists.” One assumes the teachers would also be given one day of training to enable them to distinguish child terrors from child terrorists. (See UK Could Require Teachers to Report Would-Be Terrorists.)

Since both of us raised kids who periodically terrorized us during their adolescence years, we have a few suggestions for the UK to beef up their Counter-Toddler-Terrorist initiative:


  • Install CCTVs in each nursery school disposable diaper bin to monitor the true down and dirty activity of the UK’s Most Dangerous Babies. This is a critical task, which should only be trusted to the UK’s most prominent statesmen. Therefore, the top thousand Home Ministry officials will be vested with the duty of monitoring these CCTVs from their laptops 24/7.


  • Each toddler will be given an iPad and taught to Google search. GCHQ, the UK’s equivalent of the US’s NSA, will monitor the children and detain any of them who search on “Winnie the Pooh-Bomber” or “Blow Up Paddington Station Bear.”


  • All baby monitors will be tuned to the same channel and will be monitored at GCHQ 24/7. Any children babbling “Allahu Akbar” when they should be napping will be immediately detained.


  • Some suspiciously unpatriotic individuals in the UK are not taking the Home Office plans seriously, making comments like, “I knew those bastards were daffy!” To inspire those wafflers into the right attitude to maintain the UK’s safety from those who would overrun her and destroy her principles, “God save the Queen” will be replaced by the inspiring Nazi war hymn “Horst Wessel.” A few words of the lyrics will be changed to lend a uniquely British flavor to the song. Heil Home Minister! UK Ueber Alles!




12 comments on “UK Ueber Alles! — Reporting Terrorist Toddlers

  1. Hilarious and sick at the same time. LOCO!

    Just saw American Sniper last night, WOW. You could hear a pin drop in the theater. I have to say, the most disturbing part had to do with the young boys involved.

    Keep in healing! 🙂

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Thank you, Brickhouse. I look forward to seeing the movie. By all accounts, Chris Kyle was an exceptional man, even by elite standards. Good to hear of your experience.

  2. KokkieH says:

    On the one hand, this is quite ridiculous. On the other hand the words “Ministry of Truth” can’t help but rise to the surface.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      It is definitely Orwellian. Or a real life version of Minority Report.

      • KokkieH says:

        There are actually similar things happening in the US as well – last year I read about a child in Minnesota who had to go for sensitivity training after bringing a Bible to school for show and tell. When the values of a small group of politicians and activists start getting forced on all of us it becomes a very slippery slope.

        It’s when I read of things like this that I’m glad I live in a developing country – our politicians simply aren’t philosophical enough to come up with schemes like this.

        • Piper Bayard says:

          I’m not surprised about the bit in Minnesota. There is a a strong left-wing political bias that is actively promoted in the public schools in numerous parts of the country.

  3. Michelle Morrison says:

    Hilarious, but at the same time sad and totally ridiculous as is the case with most political-type stuff.

  4. Catherine Johnson says:

    Too funny and a very expensive waste of time. When you’re you’re already billions in debt what’s a bit more.

  5. kvntodd11 says:

    This is pretty bad, but I’d say the US Congress still has most anybody else beat in political crackpots per capita. This after all the legislative body that gave us the concept of “terror babies.” And on a non-kids note, the DOD classifies lawful protest, such as Occupy or Tea Party rallies, as low level terrorism.

  6. Don Royster says:

    Maybe we can get Seth Rogan and James Franco to do an interview with the person who came up with this program. Call it “The Interview 2”. Now if this was the United States, we would have the NRA insisting we give five year olds guns to protect themselves against a possible school terrorist attack.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      No. Five-year-old children of NRA members already know not to touch guns without adult supervision, and they don’t have to be told twice. That lesson starts at two. However, they WOULD be taught to take cover and throw anything they can at the attacker.

      As for Seth Rogan and James Franco, I think they definitely do belong in a room with the person who came up with this program. 🙂

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