Obnoxious Relatives? Call the Spanking Santa!

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

The most wonderful stressful time of the year is upon us. Long lines, visiting relatives, and credit card bills that give bankers a warm, fuzzy feeling in their wallets. But fear not! Bayard & Holmes Holiday Survival is back once more to help you navigate this cauldron of tension without beating anyone bloody with a turkey leg.

A spook and a belly dancer. Not us. Image from The Man with the Golden Gun.

We, a pragmatic author/belly dancer and a spook who solves most of life’s problems with sex, C4, or hollow points, are clearing our schedules so that we can assist you with your holiday survival questions. In fact, we’ve had a few pleas for assistance already.

Sarah Broogenstegler in Research Pod 3, Antarctica, sent us this desperate missive.

Dear Bayard & Holmes:

My husband, Clyde, and I love the Holidays. Unfortunately, six years ago, after a ten-year stint in Joliet Prison for a Ponzi scheme that bankrupted twelve hospitals, Clyde’s Uncle Harry started showing up uninvited on Christmas Day. We tried to be charitable the first year, but he drank all of our alcohol and mouthwash and fell in the punch bowl. It splashed on the Christmas lights and shorted them out. The ensuing fire nearly burned down the house.

Clyde is a pacifist and made me sell my .45 Colt automatic years ago. Rather than reintroduce firearms into our lifestyle to deal with Uncle Harry, we relocated to Antarctica. Last week, though, we got a radio message that Harry had somehow acquired our GPS coordinates and was hitching a ride with Greenpeace activists to get down here for Christmas.

I’m in tears! Please help!

Bayard & Holmes:

Dry your eyes, Sarah. We’re sending a bottle of Spanish sherry and our Little Holiday Helper to you at this very moment.

While the rest of the nation wasted summer days fretting over politics or battling squash bugs in their gardens, our talented staff here at Bayard & Holmes created a tactical solution to the Uncle Harrys of the world. Today, we proudly unveil the new Bayard & Holmes Spanking Santa* and His Band of Merry Elves.

Spanking Santa and his Band are hand-picked, highly trained Allied combat veterans whose specialty is conflict resolution, and they are here to serve you. When Harry rings the doorbell on Research Pod 3, our Spanking Santa Team will arrive moments later, fully armed with state-of-the art wooden paddles and ready to give Harry the Over-the-Knee Session of his life.

image from Department of Defense

Yes, yes, we know . . . Harry was unarmed and you did let him in voluntarily. Not a problem! Santa’s Merry Elves are experienced federal witnesses. Once they’ve entertained the Judge with their sworn testimony as to how Harry threatened your lives—they heard it themselves—Harry will be carted off to spend the Holidays visiting his old friends in Joliet Prison.

It’s win/win for everyone. Harry finally gets the stable family life that he has always craved, and you get to laugh all night about how Santa “took him to the woodshed” like he’s always deserved.

On the same line, Charlie from the Shetland Islands asks . . .

What about my brother, Filbert? He loves being spanked and often pays pricey women in London to do that for him. Wouldn’t a visit from Spanking Santa just make him show up more often?”

Bayard & Holmes:

An excellent question, Charlie. Our Spanking Santa Teams are well trained to spot any “patients” who might be enjoying the medicine a little bit too much. For those tough cases, our Spanking Santa Teams are authorized and prepared to administer electroshock therapy. Let us know if Filbert likes that too much, too, and we’ll recruit him as a test subject at our laboratories.

Then there was this slightly awkward question from “Kelly” with no last name or return address . . .

Hey, can you send Santa over to spank me?

Bayard & Holmes:

Well, Kelly, we don’t know if you are male or female or some combination thereof, but we’re afraid that if you’ve been well-behaved and simply enjoy this sort of thing, you’ll have to convince your significant other to take care of that. We hope you have fun and remember to play safe. Use a Nerf paddle. We have some at a great low price.

What survival issues are you struggling with this Holiday season? Remember. No question is out-of-bounds, but some of our answers might be!

*Spanking Santa Teams come fully equipped for all contingencies. Video cameras and DVD copies sold separately.

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12 comments on “Obnoxious Relatives? Call the Spanking Santa!

  1. “Santa’s Merry Elves are experienced federal witnesses”. The perfect gift idea.
    Are gift cards for them available? (No expiration date, right?)

  2. Lin Bee says:

    I sent this to about five friends. I’ll let you know if I have any left after they’ve read it. I suspect so; I don’t choose my friends for their lack of sense of humor.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Thank you! Perhaps you and your friends could get the obnoxious relatives together in one place to have a Spanking En Masse. If you’re good enough friends to share this post, then you have probably wanted to issue spankings on their relatives at one point in time or another. Could be a case of The More, The Merrier.

  3. Mike Lince says:

    How I wish I had heard of this service before now! A few years ago, in order to escape our overly-familiar and, I assume, well-meaning relatives, my wife and I surreptitiously moved to a new city without telling anyone in either of our families. We spent what I thought was an exorbitant amount obtaining new identities and living for some time off the grid.

    We are now happy in our new setting, but it would have been so much simpler to have Santa and his elves joyously spank the crap out of a couple of uncles or cousins to set the tone for all our Christmases to come. Who knew?

    Merry Christmas! – Mike

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Does Witness Protection know about this comment?

      Spankings can certainly help avoid or at least delay mass migrations. Sorry you had to go to so much trouble, but in your case, we can offer the Retroactive Helping Hand. Just let us know how many you’ll need, and Santa can surprise those uncles and cousins without blowing your cover.

      MERRY CHRISTMAS!

  4. Don Royster says:

    Have been looking for an occasion for this one and now I have the perfect occasion. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8fPvODASoI

  5. Ha, ha, ha!!! This is fantastic! I could have used spanking santa over Thanksgiving!! For Christmas, we expect a quiet house since my relatives will not be here! I am sure i could find a couple of neighbors deserving of a mad spanking! 👋

  6. K.B. Owen says:

    What a wonderful public service! Are Spanking Santa and Slapping Medicine Man acquainted with one another? Just wondering.

    Merry Christmas!

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