Summer Camp Cheerful–Attitude Adjustment for Adults

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Inspired by the HAMAS and UN summer camps in Gaza, we are asking, “Why should Palestinians have all the fun? For that matter, why should kids have all the fun?”

Summer should be a time for fun and relaxation for everyone, but we all know people who do their best to prevent any fun or relaxation from occurring. Camp Cheerful is the answer.

image by U.S. Navy

image by U.S. Navy

Situated in a Caribbean location of incomparable beauty and perfect climatic ambiance at the eastern tip of Cuba, with swimming and diving opportunities in Guantanamo Bay, Camp Cheerful is the perfect getaway for those fun-challenged individuals in your life.

So stop for a moment and think. Who has taken a head start on ruining your summer? Is it a hard-drinking relative? A thoughtless, annoying neighbor with three barking dogs? Perhaps there’s someone in your professional life who doesn’t even wait until summer to spread the agony of her own miserable existence, insisting on sharing the “joy” with everyone around her. Camp Cheerful is just the place to send them to ensure happiness this summer–for you.

All campers will be cheerfully greeted by our Certified Happiness Specialists. We’ve recruited some of the finest soldiers and marines with experience in great vacation resorts like Afghanistan, Iraq, Somalia, the Balkans, and East Los Angeles. These healthy and enthusiastic men and women are well prepared to assist our campers in achieving life-altering experiences.

Camp Cheerful Happiness Specialists at Play image by GySgt Michael Walker, US Marine Corps

Camp Cheerful Happiness Specialists at Play
image by GySgt Michael Walker
US Marine Corps

For your summer enjoyment, all campers’ activities will be live-streamed on the Internet. Our Certified Happiness Specialists have prepared several thrilling activities guaranteed to keep our campers busy all summer long. We’ve updated some of the more traditional, boring summer camp activities to make them far more interesting, and we’ve created a few completely original activities, as well.

After enjoying a morning of rigorous exercise and fasting, the campers will be treated to a thrilling round of bobbing for apples. To make this game a little easier for tired campers, we’ve attached a five pound diving weight to each apple, allowing the apple to settle conveniently at the bottom of the five foot barrel. Our loving camp staff will assist each camper in entering the barrel after securing their wrists with the lanyards the campers wove themselves in arts & crafts class. What could be more cheer-inducing and fulfilling than using their own handiwork in such a practical application?

Feeling more cheerful already, aren't you?

Feeling more cheerful already, aren’t you?

Many children have memories of the humiliation caused by their failure to ever hit the target on the archery range in summer camp. To avoid that emotional distress, our campers will reverse roles and will act as targets as our staff demonstrates proper archery technique. For safety, each arrow tip will be replaced with steel blunts, and campers will be required to remove all eye wear.

And what summer camp would be complete without a broad array of aquatic activities? Like any good summer camp, we stress safety first. Campers will learn important water survival techniques, such as how to use chicken blood on their swimming trunks as a shark repellant, how to safely tread water for four hours over sharp coral reefs, and how to spend a long day of swimming in the bright Caribbean sun without relying on the crutch of sunscreen. And don’t worry. No life vests allowed!

Camp Cheerful Swimmer getting more cheerful all the time.

Camp Cheerful Swimmer getting more cheerful all the time.

After a scrumptious lunch of cold gruel and a thirst-quenching draught of water from the local sacred spring of Baca Podrida (translation “Rotting Cow”), the staff will choose the Distinguished Camper of the Day, who will then serve as the star in a thrilling round of Pin the Tail on the Jackass. Given the larger size of some of the campers’ rear ends, the players will be allowed to use nail guns, rather than thumb tacks, to ensure the firm placement of the tails.

Most campers look forward to horseback riding as part of their summer camp activities. In spite of the lack of horses in Guantanamo, we have no intention of disappointing our campers. So we’ll be saddling up the campers for competitive steeplechase exercises. To help encourage those young foals to do their best in clearing those quicksand bogs and barbed wire fences, the “horse” that finishes last will be subjected to an extra round of Pin the Tail on the Jackass.

During our evening campfire time, campers will learn thrilling new songs that they will likely remember the rest of their lives. We’ve contracted with some of the world’s leading songwriters (us) to come up with unique songs that our campers will cherish for a lifetime. A Hundred Broken Bottles of Beer On My Head; Row, Row, Row Your Boat Across the River Styx; I Wanna Go Home (But They’ll Kill Me If I Try), and the trademark Camp Cheerful Song, If You’re Happy When You Suffer, Clap Your Hands.

Please notify us now of who you’re intending to send to Camp Cheerful this year, and we will reserve our special 3’ x 7’ dog kennels luxury suites for their vacation pleasure. Enroll your camper today!

Who would you like to send to Camp Cheerful this year and why?

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

 

Advertisements

4 comments on “Summer Camp Cheerful–Attitude Adjustment for Adults

  1. tomwisk says:

    I’d suggest some of the Right and Left leaning pols to be sent for leaning too far into Never Never Land. You know those who ignore reality and posit ideas that are fiscally impossible and morally unconscionable. Keep them there long enough to be able to go back to their elected brethren to remind them they serve at the populace’s pleasure and the truth should be told, not what they think will keep their fat a**es in a seat in the respective legislative, judicial or executive position they occupy. Rotating “visitors” would be nice so as everyone gets a shot at the fun.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      We have special activities for politicians! Imagine them in their 3′ x 7′ luxury suites at Camp Cheerful being forced to watch their own commercials on a continuous loop. 🙂

  2. Mike Lince says:

    I am pleased to see your summer camp program is being offered again this year. Since I have heard no negative reports from those who have attended previous camps, I must assume their vacations met everyone’s expectations. I am sure all who are able to attend this year will be equally pleased with the programs offered and the quality counselors who maintain the standards of the camp. I can offer the prospective campers from the Tea Party that I have met some of the staff from East LA, and they are some tough sons-of-bitches. You won’t be disappointed in their abilities. Have a great time!

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Our Happiness Specialists have special activities for all annoying political enthusiasts. They will be made to stand on their soapboxes and listen to each other for at least 22 hours a day. 🙂

Talk to us. We talk back.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s