NSA: Hoarders, Cheaters, Dr. Phil, or Jerry Springer? You Decide.

By Piper Bayard

“Compulsive Hoarding is a mental disorder marked by an obsessive need to acquire and keep things, even if the items are worthless, hazardous, or unsanitary.” ~ Hoarders

At this point, we know the following about the NSA and its electronic data collection on Americans and foreigners:

  • First and foremost, the NSA is not acting in a vacuum. The basic purpose of intelligence agencies is to gather information . . . not for themselves, but for the policy makers. Their actions must be authorized and funded by the White House and Congress.
  • The NSA, at the behest of the White House and Congress, is unapologetically collecting and storing all of our electronic transmissions—phone calls, banking transactions, grocery purchases, social media posts, social media connections, internet search histories, etc., in the name of “security.”
  • In spite of all of this Extreme Security, they couldn’t pinpoint two deadbeats with a hotline to Chechnya Jihad Central who were Facebooking and Tweeting their jihadi hafla across the Cyberverse.

What does this tell us? The NSA has so many ones and zeros stacked up on us that it can no longer tell fact from fiction, or terrorist from law-abiding citizen. It has at this point collected so much hay in the barn that it can no longer find the threatening needle, or even the barn.

Actual photo of NSA data storage

Actual photo of NSA data storage

So I’m wondering . . . Do we need to send the Hoarders crew to NSA headquarters to help them sort out this dysfunction? Or do we just need to fire them all and put the crew of Cheaters in charge of figuring out who needs surveilling, and who doesn’t?

Come on over to our new site, and help me walk the NSA through a 12-Step Program. Please bring your comments — we love your comments — over to the new site, and remember to subscribe when you get there. We want to bring you all with us!

Bayard & Holmes

NSA:  Hoarders, Cheaters, Dr. Phil, or Jerry Springer? You Decide.

8 comments on “NSA: Hoarders, Cheaters, Dr. Phil, or Jerry Springer? You Decide.

  1. Love it!

    When I was an economist,I worked for 16 years in the Victorian State Government’s Department of Treasury and Finance. ( I don’t know if your state governments each have an equivalent of the CBO or OMB. I guess they must. But that’s the kind of org, I mean.) Shortly before the collapse of a financial institution, a former Reserve Bank official said to me that the worst thing you can do is collect data you haven’t got the resources to understand and analyse. Because when something goes wrong everyone says, “why didn’t you anticipate that…” and you couldn’t… because you were deluged in trivia. (And one did, and that’s what people said.)
    Sounds like your NSA might have the same problem.
    And you might be pleased to now that the Snowden issue has finally forced Australia into the thorny position of admitting/not admitting that we spy on Indonesian politicians (our allies) under the “five eyes” arrangement,and this is being discussed in the Australian media for the first time I can remember. The Indonesian PM and Foreign Minister are not amused. And this being with our equal closest neighbor with a 200 million + Muslim population, with whom we need to get along.

    “Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.” (Sir Walter Scott, Scottish poet,1808).

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Sounds like that Reserve Bank official was dead on. Unfortunately, it’s far more than the NSA that has the same problem. And I am glad that Australia is having to own up a bit, too. I’m sure it’s not just the U.S. that treats our own and our allies badly. I expect it’s every country that has the power to do so. I can only hope that enough people will value their freedom enough to object in a meaningful way.

  2. The Rider says:

    If I say “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry…” will my travel visa application to the USA still be granted?

    • Piper Bayard says:

      LOL. I think you’re onto something. I suspect if you say that as you’re going through security to get into the country, the customs officials will give you a string of Jerry Beads when they grope you.

  3. KokkieH says:

    How about Extreme Makeover – Government Edition?

    BTW, if this blog ever goes dark for longer than two weeks I’ll be sure to contact the relevant human rights organisations.

  4. I can’t top KikkieH’s suggestions, so I’m pointing to his comment,


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