Miley Cyrus to Lead US Attack on Iran

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

Miley Cyrus proved herself above and beyond the call of duty as she completed the final phase of her CIA training at the Video Music Awards. After schooling with veteran Bangkok hookers, her task was to utterly befuddle the entire audience and perform moves that would make even a Congressman blush and would have gotten her arrested had she done them on a busy sidewalk rather than an awards stage. Outstanding job, Miley!

Prior to the show, an unnamed Pentagon insider alerted Bayard & Holmes to startling information about an imminent US attack on Iran. Our informant told us that the Pentagon prefers to keep its strategies Top Secret until the operation is well underway. The Obama administration is concerned about how the UN will respond to the first use of a Weapon of Mass Revulsion.

Test subject forced to watch VMA/CIA training performance

Test subject forced to watch VMA/CIA training performance

However, in one of the few secret documents not yet leaked to The Guardian in the UK, Bayard & Holmes uncovered the details of this unprecedented military operation. It is not normally our habit to leak sensitive information, but between Miley’s performance and PRISM, there’s nothing left to hide anyway, so why not?

The following is a quote from our Pentagon insider contact explaining this revolutionary new approach to modern warfare:

“We’ve learned our lessons from both wars in Iraq. In those wars, we called upon the US Navy, Marine Corps, and Air Force pilots to deliver carefully timed air attacks in conjunction with barrages of heavy missiles. They did achieve their goals. They were in fact able to cripple the Iraqi leadership. But at what cost?

“Beyond the billions spent on the munitions, the ships, and the aircraft to deliver those attacks—beyond the risked lives of so many pilots and crewmen—we’ve spent billions of dollars trying to rebuild Iraq.  At the time, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said the US would employ Shock and Awe in the war. We simply didn’t understand that “Shock and Awe,” was referring to the impact on the US budget. War with Iran seems imminent, and we don’t want to make the same mistakes.

“Thanks to the CIA and its pioneering methods, we now know we can count on the brave young American Miley Cyrus to lead us in the lower budget Shock and Awe operation known as Shock and Disgust. We don’t want to reveal too many details of the pending operation, but we’re confident that a live performance by Miley will paralyze the minds of the Iranian leadership and military, leaving them in a state of horror and permitting our forces to rapidly and forcefully penetrate Iran’s most closely guarded assets.

“The plan is to recruit Miley impersonators, dress them in Victoria’s Secret seconds and white tennis shoes, and drop them into Iran’s most sensitive areas in the first wave of a parachute assault. The Pentagon says that it will need as many as 120 Mobile Miley Units to achieve complete stupefaction of the entire Iranian population to allow for repeated easy entrances and withdrawals. The challenge now is to find enough young American women with the patriotic fervor necessary to make them willing to debase themselves so thoroughly by impersonating Miley Cyrus.”

Estimated result of Mobile Miley Unit insertion

Estimated result of Mobile Miley Unit insertion

At first we were skeptical that our government would do something so radical, but when the Pentagon’s Public Affairs Office categorically denied any official association with Miley Cyrus, they convinced us that this operation will indeed come to fruition. We also queried the UK Ministry of Defense, and their spokesman, Nigel Quagmire, confirmed the existence of Shock and Disgust by saying, “The United Kingdom has not at any time taken part in the development or deployment of Mobile Miley Units or any other Weapon of Mass Revulsion and has no plans of doing so.” But what can you expect from the same people who deny UFOs?

Remember when you don’t see this on CNN, you heard it here first!

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45 comments on “Miley Cyrus to Lead US Attack on Iran

  1. Diana Beebe says:

    I have no words. I do have coffee all over my desk now. LOL.

    • Jay Holmes says:

      I’m sorry Diana. Miley has that impact on a lot of people. The poor Iranians have no idea what they are in for.

  2. robakers says:

    Nice.

    Don’t forget that Lindsey Lohan, Brittney Spears, the Kardashian Sisters and Paris Hilton are ready to be deployed as well. All you have to do is tell them there are free designer boots on the ground and a new reality TV contract for the one who gets there first.

    • Jay Holmes says:

      Hi Robakers. Thanks for visiting. Thank you for your patriotic suggestion. After reading your post we called the Pentagon to share your suggestion.

      It turns out that they are a step ahead of us. They began a project with those very stars a year ago. They said that their training staff had found the challenge of teaching anything other than revulsion to those particular recruits was too great for them. They have since upgraded the project by training monkeys for a mission in Syria. Apparently the monkeys are easier to train and happy to remain sober. The one problem with the monkeys is teaching them to be as revolting as the celebrities that they replaced.

  3. COFFEE BURNS WHEN SNORTED THROUGH THE NOSE. Ohmygosh. Laughing so hard!

    • Jay Holmes says:

      Hi Fantasy for The Rest of Us. Welcome. My apologies. Operation Shock and Disgust was intended for the injury of Iranian Mullahs. The CIA and the Pentagon had not anticipated any serious collateral damage.

  4. *falls over laughing*

  5. There are news stories I see and think, “Dang, that would make a fun, satirical blog. I’ll bet Bayard and Holmes steal that thunder. So! I’ll just sit back and enjoy the masters.”

    Saves me tons of time trying to match your wit. Thanks! Stellar coffee-spew-take on that insanity.

    Next up? Are you going to share the story about the Iraq vet denied service at a restaurant with his PTSD service dog? I know the Presidential run didn’t yield the votes we hoped to get, but I think a boycott of THAT establishment is in order.

    • Jay Holmes says:

      Hi Gloria. Thank you for reminding me of that story. I was busy at the time but we should indeed investigate that incident. Thank You!

  6. Hilarious….(also cleaning up coffee)

    • Jay Holmes says:

      Hi Philosopher. At least it’s just coffee and not regurgitation. Imagine the massive clean-up efforts that the poor Iranians will have to undertake.

  7. Brilliant! I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t spill or spit any out, but I did go twerk after reading this… 🙂

    • Jay Holmes says:

      Thank you for visiting Brickhousechick. I must now confess that I had to look up the word “twerk”. That’s what comes of being so old. I can’t quite stay in tune with all the new words that come along. Since you gave me a new word to use I will ask my fearsome and often frightening editor (Piper Bayard) if we can think up something to publish concerning the twerk phenomena.

  8. “We simply didn’t understand that “Shock and Awe,” was referring to the impact on the US budget. ” Literally laughing my a**** off. And a snow person with no a**** is a terrible sight.. Good article. Your creativity leaves me constantly amazed.

    • Jay Holmes says:

      Hi Richard. I am glad that you were able to have a good laugh. if not for my somewhat cruel tendency to laugh at the Mileys of the world I might have long ago gone mad.

  9. Laughing and choking at the same time. Didn’t watch the VMAs and had to look it up…scarred for life…See, can’t even use pronouns now.

    😀

    An MMU attack is sure to be devastating. It might even be against the Geneva Convention. It should be.

    • Jay Holmes says:

      Hi Sonia. You hit on a critical point. I hope that the Pentagon and CIA can implement Operation Shock and Disgust before the UN can organize a ban on Weapons of Mass Revulsion.

  10. Shea Ford says:

    Will Disney be heading up operation MMU? After all they produced Miley, Spears, and Lohan. I think they have a flare for corrupting young women…

    • Jay Holmes says:

      Great question Shea. Thank you for reminding me that Miley, Lohan et al were all once children. In my opinion Disney should no longer be trusted to even be in charge of Disney. They should however be required to pay for the operation. They should also be paying for legal fees, bail, psycho therapy and the costs of generating new identities for the girls that they have helped destroy.

  11. […] “Miley Cyrus to Lead US Attack on Iran” (Bayard & Holmes) […]

  12. Catherine Johnson says:

    Hee! Hee!

  13. tomwisk says:

    Now, not so fast. This sounds like a great idea. Seriously we can get her a$$ out and if robakers is correct we can pretty much clear up all those entertainment programs. And there are might be a few congress members who are , shall we say, bent and we can rid ourselves of them..

  14. Jay Holmes says:

    Thank you Tomwisk. You have a talent for seeing the broader impacts of military operations. Perhaps a training jump with fifty MMUs should be conducted at the Capitol.

  15. I…a..well……*sigh*…nevermind.

  16. Julie Glover says:

    I was wondering how the government was involved, though I thought her performance might be part of a new “Twerk Your TSA Agent” campaign, to facilitate airport searches. Thanks for enlightening me!

    Seriously, though, this mama is both appalled and heartbroken at what passes for entertainment a a young woman’s expense.

  17. This is hilarious and incredibly creative.

  18. Jay Holmes says:

    Hi Julie. You make an important point.

    it is at a young woman’s expense and I do find that disgusting but, I am willing to bet that she was well paid to debase herself and that she is laughing harder at us than we are laughing at her.

    Unlike most exploited girls and women this one was born wealthy so I wonder how she grew up to make the sick choice that she made.

    I remember being mildly surprised by Madonna’s act a few decades ago. By comparison Madonna would seem to be appropriately named.

  19. tucsonmike says:

    This was classic! I am reposting. The Iranians already think we are morally loose anyway. Might as well use it to our advantage.

  20. Jay Holmes says:

    Hi TucsonMike. Thanks for the visit.

  21. Pleun says:

    Totally funny! And the weirdest thing: it might just work! haha

  22. This was my laugh for the day; very funny. 🙂 And I agree with Pleun, it might work…Scary thought huh?

  23. Reblogged this on mchllmdm and commented:
    This is a very funny blog about Miley’s VMA performance. Love it.

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