Tactical Holiday Products

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

In anticipation of the holiday season, our tremendous staff in our Bayard & Holmes Tactical Products Division (us) at the Bayard and Holmes Secret Underground Research Complex (Holmes’ basement) spent this fall ignoring political commercials and instead developed the tactical products you need to make your holiday season a safer and happier time.

Tactical Green Slime Ciphers wikimedia

Image by Ciphers, wikimedia commons.

Tactical Green Slime

Our first new product is to help those many individuals and families who are concerned that some of their holiday house guests might snoop about in their medicine cabinets and other private spaces. Ever ready to turn your problems into our opportunities, we are proud to introduce our Tactical Green Slime (“TGS”).

Unlike Sarin Gas and other, cheaper chemical warfare products used by less fashionable chemical warriors, TGS is reasonably priced, easy to deploy, harmless to innocents, and not yet getting any attention from the UN, the DHS, or Donald Rumsfeld that would result in taxpayer-sponsored “shock and awe” at your happy home.

Simply fill an interesting medicine bottle with vitamin tablets. Put on some gloves and spread a little of our colorless, odorless TGS on the outside of the bottle. Leave it front and center in the cabinet.

When a snooper touches the bottle, their hands will pick up a harmless, but hilarious, phosphorescent green glow. The glow is not permanent and should wear off in a few short years.

As you boot the radiant fool out of your house, casually mention that the glow is caused by strontium 90 isotopes (it’s not) and suggest a trip to the nearest ER. Imagine the fun they’ll have waiting in line for two days for a nurse to check them out, and then trying to get themselves released from the psychiatric ward. By the time they get home all of their family, ex-friends and acquaintances should have by then enjoyed a great holiday without them.

Use Tactical Green Slime in your medicine cabinet. Use it on your jewelry case. Use it on your favorite bag of potato chips in your pantry. TGS is the perfect tool for keeping your property safe from your friends and loved ones.

Tactical Green Slime is not sold in any retail store. Medicine bottles and latex gloves sold separately.

Snowman pitcher schneemann wikimedia public domain

Throwman in action. Image by Schneemann, wikimedia commons.

Tactical Frosty the Throwman

And what about those friends and relatives you don’t even want making it to your door? Frosty the Throwman to the rescue! Our new Tactical Frosty is guaranteed to keep the peace in your front yard during this great season of happiness and joy. Our cheerful-looking snowman comes equipped with a recycled Major League Baseball pitching machine that can toss a snowball at up to one hundred miles an hour. A video transmitter in Frosty’s head allows you to aim and fire while sipping hot cider in the comfort of your kitchen. Whatever ideas any local thugs might have had about tossing snowballs near your home will be quickly banished from their dangerous minds as they pick themselves up, bewildered by the lightening-like snowball strike that knocked them on their butts.

With Frosty on the job, your neighborhood should be safer than ever. Snow covered baseballs sold separately.

Tactical Vin Sommeil Profond

Socially graceless guests can be a serious stress at the holidays.

No matter how hard we try, we sometimes end up having to tolerate “those ones in every family” at the Christmas gathering. Have no fear. We have the solution. Literally. Instead of shoving a turkey leg in their pie-holes when they gear up with their diatribes, instead offer them a glass of our 1962 Vin Sommeil Profond, Premiere Cru.

Just one sip of this impressively bottled and labeled concoction that we whipped up in a bathtub last night, and your obnoxious guests will be off in Sommeil Profond Land for a twelve-hour nap. If they begin pontificating again when they awake with a slight headache and severe memory loss, offer them a bit of Hair of the Dog. After two servings, even the most dogmatic ideologue will forget whatever it was they once believed so adamantly and will instead focus on figuring out who they are and why they are in your home. Feel free to have a little fun with this phase.

Creche Demimis wikimedia

Image by Dimimis, wikimedia commons.

Tactical Baby Jesus

It has become a sad new trend for thieves to steal those lovely, plastic baby Jesuses from the nativity scenes that Christmas revelers put on display. With our new Tactical Baby Jesus (“TBJ”), we can put a stop to this ugly trend.

No, this is not baby Superman with superpowers of flying and knocking the crap out of the bad guys. Jesus never hurt anyone, nor did he ever ask anyone to hurt anyone in his name. Therefore, TBJ is completely in character, being equipped with a locator transponder that allows you (and the Department of Homeland Security) to track the Jesus-napper to his or her hideout. Once there, a Federal SWAT team can make a safe recovery after a twelve-hour hostage standoff and return TBJ to your front lawn unharmed.

We hope these fantastic new, reasonably priced Tactical Holiday Products improve the quality of your family celebrations, and we hope selling them to you will improve the quality of ours. Wishing all of our readers a joyous holiday season filled with peace and happiness to all of good will. For those of less good will, you now have some great new tools.

Cheers!

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23 comments on “Tactical Holiday Products

  1. Lin Barrett says:

    Think I might have wet myself a little bit … but worth it.

  2. tomwisk says:

    As usual an informative post. Frosty the Throwman, is he available for expedited shipping? It’s kind of important, there’s uh, some rabid zombies prowling the neighborhood. No, the local juvvies have taken to pelting my car. No, I want to see if a baseball-sized molotov cocktail at mis-sized street racer who has been practising burn-outs at the stop sign.

    • J Holmes says:

      Hi tomwisk. Sorry to hear about your street racer. If you can scrape up a garage door remote control we can send you a “Home IED and Rocketry” kit. so that you can make a nice safe IED tp improve your local street racers manners without harming any innocents. Our handy home IED kit includes a phrase book of tried and true alibis. Our customers tell us that the “I saw two guys with turbans running from the scene” line works like a charm every time.

      Christmas and Chanukah should be enjoyed in peace and thanks to the miracles of modern chemistry Peace on earth (and in your neighborhood) is perfectly feasible.

  3. amyshojai says:

    ROTFL! I’d be concerned about Frosty the Throwman “wetting” himself if shipped to Florida but I’m sure y’all can come up with a viable work-around.

  4. Julie Glover says:

    Thank you for the tips for difficult holiday guests! I can now abandon the architect’s drawings of a trap doors under each dining room chair.

  5. J Holmes says:

    Hi Julie. The trap doors could still be fun if you wish to go to that much trouble.

    Happy holidays 😉

  6. Susan Spann says:

    I need me a Frosty the Throwman. It would look great in my yard and go a long way toward re-training the neighborhood’s door-to-door salesmen.

    • J Holmes says:

      Hi Susan. Were one step ahead of you. For less conspicuous deployment we are working hard on a new line of Tactical Lawn Gnomes. They’re very cute and can disable an unwelcome visitor from 40 Yards with what will appear to be a severe bee sting.

  7. Lin Barrett says:

    Haven’t tried the tactical underwear. Did try the camouflage, but it only made it impossible for me to find my a** with both hands.

  8. LOL I like the idea of a Tactical Lawn Gnome.

  9. J Holmes says:

    Hi Malinda. it’s good to know that we are target market. 😉

  10. Diana Beebe says:

    LOL! Brilliant ideas, especially the Tactical Green Slime. It’s something that can be used year round, whenever guests are staying. I’d have to have a plastic snowman here in Texas. What do you recommend for snowballs? Or should I skip wrapping the baseballs in any kind of disguise?

  11. J Holmes says:

    Hi Diana. Keeping baseballs covered in a frosty coating is a bit more expensive. Pleas be sure to use baseballs with the local little league logo so that it will look like you visitor was whacked by some fast escaping local children.

    “No officer, I didn’t recognize the kids, they weren’t from OUR block.”

  12. Kate Johnson says:

    These are amazing! And I love the explanations of the origination of your tips…

  13. J Holmes says:

    Hi Kate. Feel free to schedule a visit to our state of the art facilities.

    Happy Holidays to all 🙂

  14. Awesome. I’ll take a tub of the green slim but I’ll have to pass on the snowman seeing as it’s still reasonable to walk around in shirtsleeves here in Texas. Have a great christmas guys 🙂

    Cheers!

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