Holiday Survival — Obnoxious Flirts and Toddler Trees

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

This month, Holmes and I are dedicated to spreading cheer and relieving the tension of the holidays. We invite you to send your questions to me, a pragmatic author/belly dancer and not-so-closet redneck, and Holmes, a man with experience in intelligence and covert operations who thinks 90% of life’s problems can be solved with sex, C4, or hollow points.

Let’s take a look at what’s on your minds this week . . .

Natalie Hartford sent us the following:

What do you do when the hostess’ husband just won’t stop flirting with you shamelessly in front of his wife? I mean…I am one hot mama and I can’t seem to shake them off no matter how cold and unaffectionate I am. I fear my gal pals will stop inviting me because they think I am hussy who’s going to steal their man. . . . I swear, I am innocent!

I need a fool proof, and discreet way, to knock these suckers out!

The Governess by Rebecca Solomon wikimedia

The Governess by Rebecca Solomon


I can certainly sympathize, Natalie. I seem find myself in this dilemma all the time.

Forget discreet. I suggest you announce loudly that your hubby wasn’t able to attend the party with you because everyone in your swingers group is suffering from a rather persistent strain of syphilis. The only reason you’re well enough to be there is because you were Patient Zero. That should cool the man’s ardor and relieve the women’s fears in one stroke. Or at least it will make for an interesting evening.


Well, Natalie as a first line of defense, you might say something like “Oh, excuse me. I got a text. It’s my husband’s lawyer. Hubby just beat ANOTHER murder rap!”

For the hard core case who doesn’t respond well to that, drop 5 milligrams of powdered Ambien into his drink. He should pass out in a few minutes. If he has had enough alcohol, there’s a chance the Ambien technique will kill him, but his wife must be tired of him by now if he’s that big of a goon. Be sure you don’t touch the glass or be seen adding the powder. In some areas, police actually investigate murders.

As an alternative to a possible murder charge, you could invest in a visit from one of our Spanking Santa teams. Also, if you know enough about him, you could arrange to have him called to a distant emergency prior to your arrival. Someone I know once convinced someone that he would be arrested if he didn’t go immediately to the state police office—70 miles away—and post a small bail for a ticket that he hadn’t even received. It worked like a charm. . . . So I’m told.

State Police Car Matt Zalewski wikimedia

Image by Matt Zalewski, wikimedia commons

Jenny Henson is feeling desperate . . .

How do we fit both an active toddler (and her toys) and the Christmas tree into our living room. It’s hurting bad right now…


Get a four foot tree and tell her the Christmas tree IS the toy. I’m sure she’ll have a great time pulling it over and trashing it. Just be sure the only ornaments you have on it are small stuffed animals and large, unnecessary plastic objects.


Oh gosh. I am envious. Lets prioritize.

In this case, since she is a toddler, I’d say that Christmas is all about her. In a couple of years she’ll be explaining that the only Santas are those crazy guys from Bayard & Holmes that spank and relocate bad guys during the Christmas season. Enjoy her Christmas excitement while you can.

This Christmas should be one of her very best. Do whatever needs to be done to make the tree safe for her without you spending weeks guarding it during her every waking moment. How about a smaller tree this year? One without lights, razor sharp glass bulbs, or toxic chemicals? You can easily tether it to a corner with some stout cord and a minimum of hardware.

Decorate it together with her paper snowflakes or whatever she colors so that it is her art project and she can be proud of it. If anyone else doesn’t like the way your little girl decorates the tree, threaten them with a visit from us. Her version of a decorated tree won’t look as “impressive” as whatever they’re putting up in the White House this year, but anyone not smart enough to tell her that her tree is fantastic should not be allowed in your child’s home any way.

I miss having a young child at home at Christmas time. If you can’t make room for her because of a tree, then you keep the tree and I’ll entertain her for Christmas. If you decide that my wife and I can’t borrow her for Christmas, then please consider taping her on Christmas day and sending us a clip. In fact, I would love to see any of our readers’ children excitedly opening their presents or doing all the other great things they do during the holidays.

Paper Snowflakes IlexSythe wikimedia

Image by IlexSythe, wikimedia commons

Please tell us about your Holiday Survival dilemmas in the comments section below. Nothing warms our hearts during the holiday season like turning your problems into our opportunities. And remember, no question is out of bounds, but our answers might be.

40 comments on “Holiday Survival — Obnoxious Flirts and Toddler Trees

  1. THANK YOU!!!

    You guys have totally saved the day! Both your suggestions are fool proof ways that I can knock out the flirting fanatics and save my fabulous friendships. I will employ a multi-faceted and escalation-based approach (I’ve been working on strategic planning too long) this holiday season.

    First, I’ll start with the syphilis/swinger’s group claim. If nothing else, it’ll be a real party ice-breaker…and I am nothing if not the life of the party! BAM!

    If that doesn’t work, I’ll go to Escalation Stage 2 (ES2): beating the murder rap…I might even tag on rape and sodomy just to amp things up a little bit. I do have a flare for the dramatic.

    If that doesn’t work…cause you know there are sick perverts out there that would totally get off on that shit and I am sure some of my friends are married to them, I will induce escalation stage 3 (ES3+) which is the multi-facets bit: discreet powered Ambien in the drink while also convincing said perv that a prostitute named Bamby told me she’s wanted to give him a freebie since like forevvvah…and is waiting at the Blue Bird Inn, room 204 (gotta be believable) for him….the hotel just so happens to be in a neighbouring city about an hour drive away. To increase credibility, I will get some photo off the Internet and Photoshop some kind of cutse message that I will have texted to me from pay-as-go phone that I have set up for Bambi….oh yes….

    AND IF THAT DOESN’T work…it’s ES4 – you know it – spanking SANTA is coming to kick some serious ASS!

    I realize this might sound slightly like overkill but a girl can’t be too careful when it comes to mongrel BFF husbands!


  2. I realise you want to be funny, but I have a serious problem coming this holiday season. We have a bunch of family coming and they love to get round the dinner table and discuss politics. When I say, discuss, what I really mean is that they repeat the BS they’ve heard on Fox News and WSB.

    Now, I don’t care what politics anyone has, but the problem I get into with this lot is that when they repeat said Fox assertions, being a Liberal who tends to study up before I bloviate, when I challenge their nonsense with facts, it makes ’em crazy and hostile, and bizzarely, HURT!

    It seems as if all they want is to sit around the table and moan about the welfare mothers, tax dodgers and the grasping poor, and nod like idiot donkeys at one another at their meanness. They are all wealthy, and have never known much of hard work or poverty.

    I love them all dearly, as mad and crazy right wingers as they are. If they’d just shut up with the carp politics and quit thinking I’m going to permit them to get away with it round MY dinner table.

    So I would love a decent solution. I do have hollowpoints. I’m missing out on the C4.


    • Piper Bayard says:

      No worries, Brendan. We can actually give real answers when our readers need a bit of brainstorming. Any sort of dogma at dinner can be a real appetite killer. We’ll get right on it and address this question in a blog next week.

      You do have me stumped, though, on a minor point. How do “Liberal” and “hollowpoints” play together? 🙂

      • Piper,

        Oh, I’m a retired armed police officer in the UK, (I live in Atlanta, now.) Some of that was diplomatic protection. So, I’m used to having a pistol about my person. Heckler and Koch almost exclusively, since you ask.

        In truth, I’m as gentle as they come, I mostly FEEL like using them on the Television, especially when Fox News is on:)

        I am also a Gemini, so schizophrenia goes right along with the Liberal hollowpoints….


  3. susielindau says:

    Such sage advice!
    I wondered how to handle the obnoxious guest that tours the entire house including my closets and medicine cabinets?

  4. New Witch says:

    Natalie might also use magnesium citrate. Gives a person the runs and an awful bellyache, but doesn’t kill them: only makes them wish they were dead. (Comes as a liquid, available in most pharmacies and even as pills, over the internet. In the latter case, dissolve in water before pouring into drink.)

    Jenny might put the tree in the playpen, and let the baby roam free. Worked for us, and the kids survived it …

  5. The magnesium citrate is a great idea! It even comes ‘flavored,’ and I do use the term loosely, to hide it more easily in doctored drinks. Personally though, I like the powdered Ambien suggestion. I’m going to have to remember that one.

  6. Jenny Hansen says:

    Points well taken. I’m worried about toys vs. trees because I love to play with her. I don’t want to banish her toys but there’s simply no room. She’s in the climbing stage so I’m a bit concerned about her climbing the tree…the idea of attaching it to the wall has total merit!

    As for the rest, plush toys on the lower branches and artwork are a fine idea. I’ll let you know how it goes. Plus, I’ll see if I can get a recording going. You’re invited to babysit anytime, Jay. 🙂

  7. For Jenny – you might want to investigate those upside down Christmas trees that hang from the ceiling. If nothing else, they’d make a great Christmas party conversation piece. My Mother told me when I was little they let me “decorate” the tree – of course, only the bottom couple of feet had any ornaments, but after I went to bed they’d rearrange. I never noticed, but I did leave “my” tree alone after that.

    • J Holmes says:

      Hi Helen. Thanks for the help. “but I did leave “my” tree alone after that.” It’s good to know that the technique worked.

  8. Texanne says:

    We got an energetic kitten just before our first Christmas in La-la Land. We already had a curmudgeonly retriever with an anti-feline bias (he got over it later), so a Christmas tree seemed out of the question. We skipped having a tree. I hung all the decorations from the ceiling. Looked quite festive, and the only people who had a problem with it were some stoners.

    But a child isn’t a kitten, and the tree (or half tree) affixed to the wall and decorated with plush toys and other safe items sounds like just the ticket. Anything lightweight, unbreakable, and brightly colored ought to be tied to the tree. I’m picturing the plastic shovels from beach buckets. In a year or two, you can start adding in other objects, such as eggbeaters, as ornaments.

    • J Holmes says:

      Hi Texanne. “and the only people who had a problem with it were some stoners.” I will be laughing about this all day. 🙂

  9. Julie Glover says:

    If nothing else, this conversation has convinced me that I must double-check guest lists before throwing a holiday party. (Not to mention putting a lock on my undies drawer.)

    My only question is this: How the heck can we get Christmas back down to 12 days? I’m a Scrooge until about December 15, when I think the Christmas season really should begin. If it wasn’t for A Charlie Brown Christmas and my church’s candlelight service, I might want to give up celebrating Jesus’ birthday altogether and see if there’s a quieter holiday for his bar mitzvah instead. (Okay, now that I re-read that, maybe the question is, How can I get in the holiday spirit?)

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