The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Aporkalypse – Global Bacon Shortage

When I first saw this, I realized that the extremist Jewish peace organization, Sons of Isaac, and the extremist Islamic peace organization, Sons of Ishmael, have teamed up with activist group, Vegetarians for Peace. The serene triumvirate, in an effort to bring about that elusive thing known on beauty pageants as “world peace,” banned together around their only common belief, which is that bacon is unclean or just plain evil. Calling themselves the Children of Abraham and People Who Love Miss Piggy, they conspired to strengthen inter-cultural unity by somehow creating a drought that led to a shortage of pig feed, which led to a shortage of pigs and will, therefore, create a shortage of bacon for bacophiles around the world next year. This solves any remaining mystery of global warming and gives the rest of the world good reason to stick our heads in the oven.

image from wikimedia

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Monday, we wrote up our Wish-We’d-Missed Connections and asked you which one you thought was false. Forty-six percent of you voted for the “Creep Out on Aisle Nine” as the false story, and you are correct. Miss “Je Ne Sais Quoi” is something that has happened more than once. Also, I’m sorry to say that the pervert described in “Roman Holiday” was one of my first experiences in Rome when I was 15 and as green an apple as ever fell from a tree. I didn’t even have the words to describe what he was doing back then. As for the “Virtual Reality” Cyber-Masher, he/she/it was all too real, though I couldn’t print Holmes’ exact quote on a PG-13 blog. I’ve laughed pretty hard in my life, but this one stands out. Thank you for sharing the moment and  your missed connections with us!

Best Selling Author and Awesome Fellow Larry Enright just released his latest excellent literary fiction, A Cape May Diamond.

Writing is just one activity on the creative continuum. 6 Things I Learned about Writing from Gardening by RWA Hall of Fame Writer Justine Dare Davis.

Last day for Christian Fiction Fall Scavenger Hunt! International Best Selling Author Vicki Hinze shares the details.

Town Turns Tables on School Prank. How one gutsy girl responds to high school bullies. Historical fiction author and publishing attorney Susan Spann directed me to this. Also, Susan has an outstanding interview over at Chuck Wendig’s site, Susan Spann: The Terribleminds Interview.

This one is getting more relevant by the minute. From Knox McCoy, How to Not Be the Worst at Discussing Politics.

From Old Jules at So Far from Heaven, Who has Been an Inspiration in Your Life? Some people do for strangers what most won’t do for their own.

Apparently, Iran’s efforts at creating nuclear bombs and the continued failing of the economy aren’t keeping politicians busy enough so they are now micromanaging school lunches by federally mandating portion sizes. This is one high school’s response to such Nanny State interference.

And no. School lunch prices did not decrease with the smaller portions.

And now for our Poll Daddy campaign-style question of the week.

All the best to all of you for preparing for the rainy days.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

14 comments on “The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Aporkalypse – Global Bacon Shortage

  1. amyshojai says:

    *snort* Always enjoy your posts Piper!

  2. Bacon? Though we weren’t supposed to eat it in my house, my older brother’s pediatrician said he needed bacon in his diet. It caused dislocation and upheaval, but my mother ultimately began making it for him in tin foil and serving it on paper plates.

    Considering what we know today, that doctor must have been one hell of a closet anti-Semite!

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Please forgive me if I laugh. I’ve never heard of bacon being prescribed by a doctor before, and I have to sadly agree with your assessment of this pediatrician’s closet tendencies. But I have to ask . . . did your brother’s health improve at all? And is he still eating bacon?

    • Jay Holmes says:

      Hi Perry. I am assuming from your post that your family is Jewish. If the doctor knew that and prescribed bacon then he was a flaming racist jerk and should not have been practicing medicine. If he didn’t know that your family was Jewish and simply prescribed bacon without any hateful racist intent than the doctor was simply a dangerously incompetent boob and should not have been practicing medicine.

      • Well, Jay and Piper, keep in mind this was — OMG, I can’t believe it! — over 60 years ago. We’re lucky the guy didn’t prescribe leeches. If I’m not mistaken, he wore a tribal mask when he attended to us.

        Not only is the bacon story absolutely true but I think the doctor might even have been Jewish. I don’t even remember what my brother’s problem was, but he’s 67 now and looks better and has much more hair than I do at 62.

        So, excuse me guys, gonna go fry me up some links!

  3. Jay Holmes says:

    My lawyer is busy today so I will do this myself.

    I hereby declare copyright the following titles: “Aporkalypse Now”, “The four Piglets of the Aporkalypse”, and “Aporkalypse, how I spent my summer vacation”.

  4. I can see I need to learn how to grow pigs, cause not doing without my bacon!

  5. Jay Holmes says:

    Hi Pauline. I suggest that before you start a porcine enterprise you drive by a pig farm. You might change your mind.

    If things get bad we might be able to hook you up with some black market bacon.

  6. Catherine Johnson says:

    Well that’s too funny. Not only do we have to spend hours looking for anything that resembles bacon now we have to pay more for it. I might buy a pig 🙂

  7. I just went and bought 16 pounds of bacon, so I am set for the Aporkalypse. Thanks for the heads up Piper! If you need bacon in the coming months I’ll cut you a sweet deal.

  8. I could make a few ham-handed puns here, but it probably wouldn’t be gammon 🙂 Weirdly, my doctor told me NOT to eat commercial bacon – not for any religious reasons but because the nitrates, medically, did me no favours. I like the stuff, my ^*&# metabolism, it seems, does not. Every so often my wife used to find nitrate-free smoke-cured bacon (and very nice it was, too), but the aporkapypse seems to have struck those supplies some years ago…

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