You’ve heard of the Society for Creative Anachronism? The Rendezvous Society? The Civil War, WWI and WWII battle reenactments societies? There are people going around recreating battles from any number of wars that have occurred throughout history. Except one. The Cold War.
Since Holmes is a veteran of the Cold War, we believe it’s time to rectify this situation. We are starting the Bayard & Holmes Cold War Battle Reenactment Society to commemorate the great battles our espionage teams bravely endured during that dark period in the history of the West.
The only rule to join is that you can’t tell your family and friends you’re a member unless you’re sure you can recruit them to your team. Once recruited, your family can never speak of it outside the confines of a Cone of Silence or a small walk-in closet.
Image from Get Smart
Once you have joined, go to your closet and pick out the least remarkable clothes you own. This will be your costume. When you’re wearing your costume, choose one of the following missions from this list, but don’t tell anyone what you are doing.
- Go to a crowded place and walk around, pretending to be a tourist. Do your best to not be noticed by anyone. During your walk, look for small chalk marks on lampposts, fire hydrants, and building walls. If you find one, pretend it’s a message indicating that a dead drop needs to be serviced, or that a discreet meeting needs to be arranged. If you don’t find one, feel free to make one so you can discover it the following week.
- If your friends and family have also joined, put on trench coats and quietly stare at each other from across a large city park during rush hour. Periodically, push your glasses up on your nose or scratch your left earlobe to indicate that a target has been spotted.
- Find a sidewalk café with a French name and sit at a table outside. Order tea and croissants. Pretend to discreetly communicate with someone in the restaurant, who will pretend to ignore you. Be careful not to be arrested for stalking, as the person you’re pretending to communicate with may not be a fellow reenactor.
- For those of you who can find a fellow reenactor for your Cold War team, practice the “brush-by meeting.” Each of you starts at opposite ends of your city and follows long, circuitous routes to a crowded location. Once you’re sure that you haven’t been followed by imaginary Eastern European Police or KGB Cold War Battle Reenactors, pass by each other while appearing to ignore each other, but exchange a small, coded message. When you get home, soak the message in tap water, pretending it’s an exciting four-chemical mix, and pretend to read something interesting like “Agent Dead Cat has been arrested!” Using an empty Bic ballpoint pen, which will suffice as a secret writing implement, write an invisible report to headquarters. Make it full of bad grammar and several spelling errors. Then send the message to Janet Napolitano to help her with her ‘See Something, Say Something’ program. If Janet is confused by the blank message, she can always seek help from those people at the National Security Agency (NSA), none of whom like her very much. If enough people participate in this particular reenactment activity, Janet might actually become the first human to develop a close working relationship with the NSA.
- For the truly technically savvy among you reenactors, three or four of you can get together and spend the weekend in the cheapest motel available, eating canned food (keep your receipts). Sneak into one of your homes at night – feel free to use your key unless you have reasonable lock picking skills – and bug the selected target at home with audio transmission devices. Those of you reenactors who have significant others (significant as in they take their clothes off in front of you and you like it*) should probably get their permission before having their home bugged by you and your fellow reenactors. However, the significant other will then have to join the society, or you’ll need to pretend to kill them discreetly with some non-poisonous Kool-Aid.
Advanced Reenactment Scenario:
Your reenactment group must discover an enemy reenactment group operating somewhere within your territory. Track that group, kidnap one of their members, and take them to one of your undisclosed locations. Pretend to torture them until they speak. (We suggest a drinking party followed by a continuous loop of Nyan Cat.) If he talks, blackmail him into joining your group and operating as a double agent.
Once you’re able to get a functioning double agent, send an “in clear” message (one that isn’t coded) on Administrative Budget Request Form F-7-22 requesting $100k in funds to cover the expense of running the double agent and for reimbursement for all of your audio team’s activities. Send this form to Janet Napolitano and ask her to approve it and forward it to the comptroller.
Nyan Cat – Latest in Japanese Animated Enhanced Interrogation Devices
Each team gets to declare itself a winner, but no one gets to tell anyone. Enjoy your Cold War Battle Reenactments!
What other espionage activities would you like your Cold War Team to enjoy? What other battles or wars do you think have been ignored by reenactment societies?
For those of you following the Bayard/Lamb 2012 Presidential Campaign, we’re making a Campaign Tour Blog Stop at Liv Rancourt’s blog today. Stop by and find out how we will fight zombies with pictures of Rush Limbaugh and Janet Napolitano, and what role the Lincoln’s Ghost will play in fighting domestic terrorists. A Foxie with Moxie Campaign Stop
*Holmes’ quote, not Piper’s