Ok. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President.

 Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President.

MyPhotos Piper Signing FIRELANDS at TFOB

By Your Next Commander in Chief, Piper Bayard

I don’t know about you folks, but I’m pretty disappointed in the self-serving, corporate-driven hairballs our political parties are coughing up for us these days. It’s always been my contention that, if you’re going to complain about how someone does their job, then you’d better be ready to get off your duff and do it yourself. So I will. Yes. I’m running for president.

Know up front that I refuse to affiliate with any political party. Ultimately, they are all more loyal to themselves than to the American people. The only party I will be a part of as your president is the Inaugural Ball. And since I am a dancer, I would be happy to provide the entertainment for that event in order to save you, the taxpayers, money.

MyPhotos 2014 Piper close up Bolder Boulder

As for my campaign, I am not asking for your money. I’m guessing in this economy, you need it. So how will I run? Social media. If Facebook and Twitter can make Betty White an icon among today’s teenagers, it can get me to the White House.

Know that as your president, I would not expect any remuneration beyond actual college expenses for my two children. . . .  Oh, wait. The annual $180k that the president makes would be less than that. NVM. I will happily accept the lesser amount.

Also, as your president I won’t spend your millions on my family vacations, and I will continue to shop the sales at Eddie Bauer and Dillard’s. I won’t even take the silver and furniture from the White House with me when I leave. That’s been done.

Along those lines, I will also not redecorate the White House with your money. (Unless I find some gaudy animal print lurking in an obscure corner. That will have to go.) However, I will certainly fumigate all locations where our current president smokes while tacitly approving schemes to ban the asthma inhalers people need to stay in the same room with him.

The pillars of my platform are encouragement of personal responsibility, the rooting out of corruption, and a good smack upside the head for all whiners who won’t shut up and get busy making this world a better place.

So let’s get the touchy stuff out of the way, shall we?

My race:

One branch of my family ran another branch of my family down the Trail of Tears, and a third branch married them when they got to the end. That makes my race American. Check my census form. You’ll find it written there.

My gender:

. . . Really?

My religion:

Baseball. Baseball is a forward-looking religion with no dogma and lots of hope. We adherents know that, with the last swing of the bat at the end of the season, spring training is just around the corner. People of all faiths are welcome at baseball games, as long as they behave and treat their neighbors with respect. If they don’t behave, they will be relocated near the bullpen to be used as targets for pitcher warmups.

The Cathedral of My Religion, image from Wikimedia Commons by “The Silent Wind of Doom.”

My past:

Yes. I have one. It is extensive and colorful. I learned a great deal because the person who is the same at 50 as they are at 20 has wasted 30 years. I’ve made exceptional use of my time. So you media folks just come to me. I’ll give it to you straight. And remember, great things grow in dirt and manure.

As an added bonus, unlike the current leading candidates, I am happy to release all of my tax returns, my school records, and my legal birth certificate, along with all of my fake ID’s from my youth.

My education:

Yes. I have one of those, too. It ranges from small towns to urban centers, and from the bread and cheese line to law school. In other words, I’ve got both papers and street cred. I’d say “I feel your pain,” but that one’s been done, too.

My qualifications:

I am not for sale to banks. I do not borrow money from the Chinese to give to my enemies. My retirement plan is not a Ponzi scheme, and to the best of my knowledge, I have successfully prevented trespassers from living in my home. That puts me ahead of our collective government right there. And no. I have never been president of my local PTA. However, I do manage a successful kingdom on a virtual reality game.

My stand on abortion:

I fully support retroactive abortion for all jihadis and skumbag phone solicitors. (I favor rehabilitation for any honest phone solicitors who are just trying to make a living like the rest of us.)

My stand on gun control:

I am 100% in favor of controlling guns. Aim and make every shot count.

Cabinet appointments:

As for my cabinet appointments, I don’t give a rat’s touchas about anyone’s race, religion, species, etc. I only care if they are best qualified for the job. I will not sell out my country by pandering to special snowflake organizations and appointing their love children to positions of influence.

I will appoint my writing partner, Intelligence Operative Holmes, Secretary of Defense. He has the experience and the moxie for the job, and he, like me, loves America more than he loves corporations, power, or money.

George Stephanopoulos, image from Wikimedia Commons by Tulane Public Relations

Since Holmes can’t be identified, I will recruit George Stephanopoulos to sit in his chair at all meetings. That’s because George has experience, and he’s hot. Seriously. It makes no sense to me, either, he just is. And if Stephanopoulos is not available, I will simply stand up a cardboard cutout of George Washington. Never hurts to have a little Founding Father action in the government process. Holmes will still be in the meetings, but no one will know if he is the guy in the general’s chair or the guy serving the sandwiches.

Yes. Sandwiches. Refer back to my stand on expenses. They can be paninis, but no steak and lobster bisque at the taxpayers’ expense unless we are hosting foreign dignitaries.

All internal disputes will be settled with dancing competitions so if you’re interested in applying to be my vice president, start practicing your moves. Carrie Ann Inaba will screen all applicants. But please understand, my first choice for vice president is General Colin Powell. Do not take that as an evaluation of either your dancing skills or his.

While I am president, Congress shall make no law that it does not, itself, live by. “Leaders” who are not subject to the laws they make are not leaders, they are rulers. There is no place for rulers in America. Any Representative or Senator who demonstrates behavioral issues will be sent to The Slapping Medicine Man.

As your president, my first and only loyalty will be to you, my fellow Americans. I have no other mission or interest but to strengthen this country and her people. So let’s all come together and prove that America really is still a country by the people, and for the people, and that our presidency does not simply go to the highest bidder. Tweet, blog, Facebook. Hey. It happened for Betty White. :)

You will find my stand on the issues below. I now open the floor to your comments and questions. One at a time, please. No pushing or name calling, and don’t say anything you can’t say in front of your mother. (My policy for press conferences.)

To join in the discussion, see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President over at Bayard & Holmes.

Piper for President — Doesn’t Take Crap. Doesn’t Dish it Out.

My Stand on the Issues

Foreign Policy

For decades, America has been Simba the Lion masquerading as Pumbaa the Warthog in an effort to “win hearts and minds.” No one respects a lion pretending to be a warthog. I say we’re in it to win it, or we stay home. The hearts and minds will follow. America is a lion with claws and teeth and courage. It is not a dancing, singing, farting warthog.

Middle East Policy

I have excellent reason to believe that the majority of the problems in the Middle East are caused by gender disparity. Since the Middle East has a dearth of women and an overabundance of men, and Latin American countries have more women than men, I would recruit Latinas to relocate. They would have an excellent mellowing influence, and they would foster some fantastic fusion restaurants. See How Latinas Can End Jihad.

Economy

As much as is possible, I will replace welfare programs with work programs, because imitating a kennel dog waiting for its dinner develops bad habits and is damaging to the soul. I have been unemployed, and I have received government cheese. While it’s the tastiest cheese ever, handouts are far more depressing and demoralizing than honest work of any kind.

Tax cuts and cookies for corporations that keep their jobs in America. No tax cuts or cookies for corporations that only keep their paperwork in America.

Image from Wikimedia Commons by Thamizhpparithi Maari.

Education

I will dismantle the Department of Education. Instead, I will use the nearly $100 billion it wastes every year to build more schools, hire more teachers, and provide an Educational Exchange program for troubled youths. In this exchange program, any “troubled youth” who would rather be a thug gangbanger than take advantage of the privilege of going to school would be sent to a third world country in exchange for a disadvantaged child who only dreams of getting an education instead of walking five miles every day for a bucket of water.

Immigration

America is our home. I will show the utmost hospitality to those who ring our bell and are willing to wipe the dirt off their feet before they enter.  Trespassers will not be welcomed with open arms and open wallets. However, they are welcome and encouraged to apply for the Educational Exchange program.

Health Care

I will rewrite Obamacare in a way that serves the public rather than special interest groups and insurance and pharmaceutical giants. I will also set up a hotline for reporting each and every fraud that is perpetuated by a medical culture that thinks it has won the lottery every time someone with insurance walks through the doors of an Emergency Room.

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156 comments on “Ok. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President.

  1. Stacy Green says:

    This is one of the best blog posts I’ve ever read, period. I voted for Obama, and I’m not completely against him now, but I also can’t get behind any of the Republican candidates. We are in a sad state right now.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Thanks for the compliment, Stacy. It is pretty scary. I appreciate your vote, and your comment. 🙂

    • Scot Bayless says:

      I have to agree Stacy. This may be my #1 favorite post ever.

      Piper, I don’t spend a lot of time perusing the blogosphere these days. I’ve just had too much on my plate. But my wife passed this along, saying, as others have here, “She’s got my vote!”

      Mine too. And the weird thing is, if you ACTUALLY threw your hat in the ring you might be surprised by the result. I literally don’t know a single person who wants to vote for any of those clowns.

      I’m just sayin…

      • Piper Bayard says:

        Honestly, Scot, I would do it. If you know any good, sincere, capable campaign managers, please send them my way. 🙂 In the meantime, I’ll just keep tweeting. Like I said, it worked for Betty White.Who knows? I might be a bit late for 2012, but one of the great things about this country is that there is always another election. I sincerely appreciate the compliment and your support.

  2. Jessica O'Neal says:

    LOVED this post! You have my vote 🙂

  3. kadja1 says:

    Oh my god! I love it! You make more sense than anyone running! I think it is ironic that Obama really doesn’t have the support of his own party right now. I think if Hillary went up against him in a debate, she’d actually get the nod…Seriously…What people don’t get is that a socialist policy dictates that freedom for one group comes at the loss of liberty for another. This country has seen enough of it. These parties need to grow up, stop pandering to every extremist voter out there and say, “Look…Neither side will get 100% what it wants so this is what we are going to do. This is proposed…You vote on it.”

    If they would listen to the voters, they’d have more respect but right now, both parties are two horns on the same goat and are creating more division. I didn’t vote for Obama and I doubt seriously I’d vote for Romney or Perry either–definitely not Perry. I do want that border sealed though, and I want the federal government to stop tying the hands of our border patrol. Too many people are dying down by Laredo and in AZ that you don’t hear about on the news…Seriously…

    If Mexico doesn’t clean up the drug cartels, we’ll end up doing it anyway–if the Chinese don’t get fed up and do it first…Now the thugs are threatening teachers if they don’t pay them half of their salary, and threatening internet users that speak out against them–seriously! This is coming to the southern border INSIDE this country if it’s not dealt with down there. They have kidnapped 44 random people out of Laredo and god knows how many out of AZ.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Thank you for your support, Tina. It’s so true what you say. “If they would listen to the voters, they’d have more respect but right now, both parties are two horns on the same goat and are creating more division.” Washington warned about the dangers of party politics in his parting address, and he is proven more correct with every passing election.

      As for the borders, I agree. The behavior on the part of the Mexican drug cartels is unacceptable and requires swift action to keep it from spreading even further into our country.

      Thank you for stopping by and commenting.

    • You understand that socialism involves the loss of liberty, but you absolutely would not vote for a man who’s been a very good governor of the state that probably most represents the concept of liberty. *scratches head*

      • kadja1 says:

        This state may well represent the “concept” of liberty, but Perry’s record proves that he has not represented it in the manner in which he was elected to do. He is not doing the will of the people of this state. Now that his stance on immigration is clear, he most likely will be replaced by a governor who will tighten up border security.

  4. K.B. Owen says:

    Will your health care reform platform include “Slapping Medicine Man”? I’ll vote for you, Piper! Wish our gov’t officials had your common sense. 🙂

    • kadja1 says:

      Slapping Medicine man should also be over the Education outfit!

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Health care reform will absolutely include The Slapping Medicine Man. His role will be to remind people that our health is usually our choice to some extent, and I’m speaking as a cancer survivor when I say that. We can do this, Kathy! Just keep on Tweetin’. Thank you for your support. 🙂

  5. “All internal disputes will be settled with dancing competitions” so many high fives, Piper. I’d vote for you if I were in the US. 🙂

    Angela @ The Bookshelf Muse

    • Piper Bayard says:

      It’s ok, Angela. You can register to vote in Chicago no matter what country you’re from. In fact, you don’t even have to be alive or human to vote there, and you can do it as many times as you like. 🙂 Thank you for your support.

  6. Amen! I’m tired of the self-serving systems we have. We need a goverment that truly serves the people. Sometimes it’s hard to be optimistic about the power of our votes when the system seems to go on and on in the same way.

    Piper for President!! Where’s my bumper sticker? 😀

  7. Catie Rhodes says:

    I’d vote for you. I especially liked your stance on education and the economy. Here, here! 😀

  8. Texanne says:

    I would love to have you for president! Not so much excited about having Powell for VP, though there was a time when I would have voted for him for president. He burned every smidgen of respect and trust I had for him when he endorsed Obama over McCain, who had demonstrated unequivocally his love for this country, as opposed to Obama’s contempt for it. I digress.

    Most of your plans and ideas are spot on (and try not to worry that you’re getting high marks from an admitted extremist); your plans for the Education department are brilliant, brilliant.

    Great post. I absolutely love the idea of a belly dancer in the Oval Office and a cardboard cutout at the conference table. (Truly, a cardboard cutout of George Raft would be an appropriate stand-in for the current cabinet.) Stephanopoulos is cute but somewhat, um, diminutive–tell you what: make him sit on a phone book, stuff his ears with earbuds coming off an iPod loaded with Obama’s and Clinton’s speeches, and put a gag in his mouth, and I’ll even go along with his presence. (This technique would work equally well with most Hollywood Hunks.)

    You have my vote!

  9. Ed Maddox says:

    https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ed-Maddox-Independent-for-President-of-The-United-States/150389371700877
    OK folks who read Pipers blog posts. Here’s your chance to get on board with a man who just might be able to stick to a plan. Look at the page and see what ya think, read everything before you decide, as I am sure I left something out, BUT I will answer any ?s you might have.
    Thanks
    Ed

  10. kadja1 says:

    Piper for prez…Rambo for VP…And we’ll make an executive order to make Willie Nelson head of the Texas Rangers–and I don’t mean the baseball team!

  11. Oh this made my day! I even got up to work out some new dance moves until I saw Powell is your first VP choice. I like him too, so will wait to “dance-off” for a cabinet spot. 🙂

    I’m beyond disappointed at both sides of the aisle and the blatant hypocrisy. “Change” my foot. The only thing that seems to change as of late is the size of the hole we are sinking into. I say let a leader do his/her job and see how it shakes out. Fighting every step gets us a stupid circle dance.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      “The only thing that seems to change as of late is the size of the hole we are sinking into.” I totally agree with you Barbara. That’s why I’m throwing my hat into the ring. Thank you for your support. I’m looking forward to seeing your moves. 🙂

  12. EllieAnn says:

    I definitely think you would create a better country! I especially liked what you said about removing everyone from office who has corporation’s best interest at heart rather than the Uniter State’s. Plus, you’re just so gosh darn funny. press conferences would be a riot. =)

  13. Ed Maddox says:

    There’s no competition, you have the floor.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Thank you, Ed. And for what it’s worth, I fully support the cultivation of industrial hemp. This country did itself a great disservice to lump it in with marijuana. Not the same thing at all. Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  14. At least you’re straightforward. You seem like the type of candidate that would kiss a baby, shake my hand and mean it…LOL

  15. Melissa says:

    You have hit the nail on the head. D.C. is like a little island of unreality. Nothing said or done there makes sense to the rest of the U. S. You and Holmes have my support in this campaign and in any future covert ops.

  16. Good luck with that! Obama has barely begun campaigning (the first time) and I was already shaking my head with the changes he’s planning and I agree with most of his policies. Change has to start from the citizens since nothing gets done in Washington–too much of a bureaucracy.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Way too much bureaucracy. I have the hypothesis that the best way to cut government spending is to streamline regulations from the taxcode to security. Too much bureaucratic bulk! Thanks for your support, Marilag. 🙂

  17. I tweeted that I wanted to be your chief-of-staff, but I guess I can give up on that pipe dream since I don’t dance. I’ll vote for you, but since Lyndon Johnson left, Texan’s are only allowed one vote each.

  18. Piper, Absolutely fantastic post. I will save it to relish later, and am forwarding the URL to my husband.

  19. I love this: “because the person who is the same at 47 as they are at 20 has wasted 27 years.” Indeed.

    Can I be your expert on Canadian affairs? (Okay, not THOSE kind of affairs…).

    You’d get my vote if I could vote. 🙂

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Absolutely, Leanne. And I have good news. You can vote. Simply register in Chicago. As I mentioned in my response to Angela Ackerman, in Chicago, you don’t need to be alive or even human, and you can vote as many times as you like. Thank you for your support. Perhaps Colin Firth could be persuaded to take an interest in politics with you in charge of Canadian affairs. 🙂

  20. This is the best post ever. I would vote for you. Love your gun control policy. 🙂 Still unclear on where you stand on cloning. And this is, of course, a very important issue. Also where do you stand on clowning. Do you like clowns? Would you allow them to walk around in full face-paint. Because that’s just creepy. 😉

    • Piper Bayard says:

      As for cloning, I’m not keen on it or any messing around with our genetic material at all, for that matter. And clowning? Only rodeo clowns allowed on the street, because they are some seriously brave people who could assist with crime control. I mean, who’s going to mug someone with a rodeo clown who battles with bulls on hand to kick their butt? Thank you for your vote. I appreciate your support.

  21. susielindau says:

    You’ve got my vote, but I am wondering if you will perform at the White House dinners if you are elected. Belly Dancing could take the place of the morning run!

    • Piper Bayard says:

      When it comes to physical fitness, I like to mix things up a bit. I would have a morning dance on the Mall at dawn sometimes, and at other times, I would be lifting weights or on the elliptical. But don’t be dismayed. I have lots of friends who are great dancers and more than willing to perform for White House functions. 🙂

      Thank you for your support, Susie. I appreciate your vote.

  22. amblerangel says:

    Girl you are on FIRE today and I agree with everything. Especially the exchange program. In fact, can I manage that?

    • Piper Bayard says:

      I would love for you to manage the exchange program. How are you international dances? . . . No worries. I can help you out if you need it. Thank you for your support and your offer of service.

  23. Author Kristen Lamb says:

    LOVE THIS and you have our vote. If we figure out how the Dallas City Council does things, count us in for 10,000 votes (the dead people aren’t using them). We love PIPER!!!

  24. If you don’t get to the White House, Piper, will you come and be our prime minister? Please. 🙂

    • Piper Bayard says:

      You bet, Liz. I love your country, and I will look forward to living among your people. I hope you will be my guide and keep me from making social faux pas while I’m there. Thank you for your support. 🙂

  25. I won’t be redundant and repeat the praises sung by previous responders, with 2 exceptions: 1. This is the BEST post I’ve read in some time and 2. I wholeheartedly support your candidacy! Given the major impact of e-books on the publishing world and the equally-large impact of social media, who’s to say that a social-media-supported candidate couldn’t be successful ? You GO girl !

  26. kimterry says:

    Still casting around for a suitable candidate. Looks like you’re it. :-))

  27. Jane Sadek says:

    Love it! Sounds like you’re a candidate I can believe in!

  28. Wow!!! Don’t be surprised if CNN comes knocking at your door! This post and your stand on the issues is absolutely fantastic.

    Now, if more politicians had the thinking as you do and the nerve to implement it, no doubt, we’d be much better off!

    You ROCK, President Piper…. you have my vote!!!!!

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Thank you, Carol. The difference between me and the hairball contingent is that my only interest is the good of the nation. For me, it would be four years of service to America, not the warmup to my next campaign. Thank you for your vote, and for your support. Let’s do this thing!

  29. I seriously cannot tell if you’re joking or not.

    If you are, I laughed and also thought about what you said.

    If you’re not, I still laughed, but I hope you don’t run for president – especially that you won’t win. It’s not that I wouldn’t love to see someone with some semblance of integrity behind Lincoln’s desk, but that I’d hate to see you corrupted.

    In summation, I don’t know whether to tell you to “go for it” or “please don’t” so I’ll say, like a good brother might, I’m assuming you’re happy with what you’re doing, so I’m happy that you’re happy.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      You’re very sweet to be concerned for my innocence, Lance.

      Am I joking? Yes and no. I think it’s an amazing state of affairs when I am more qualified to be president of this great nation than the hairballs running for office, but when I look at things objectively, I find that I am. The “leaders” of this country and the political hopefuls must play Party Games, proving they are useful to the powers that be in their parties, or they are denied support. In other words, they must prove they are more loyal to a handful of individuals than they are to this nation. That’s the corruption, right there. The only joke is that I would not actually place George Stephanopoulos in Holmes’ chair at meetings. George would have a conflict of interest as part of the news media. Also, I don’t honestly think I can recruit Latina wives for radical Islamists, though I seriously believe those ladies could work wonders. As for the dance offs? Perhaps we’ll find out. 🙂

      Regarding the corruption of my own soul, I have not been president, but I have known great men with great resources at their fingertips who still follow the law, and who do not use their power for their own personal gain. I would like to think they would not call me “friend” if they did not see that same quality in me. And besides, I would have no political party to cover my butt for me, because they would all be looking for reasons to get rid of me. I would be their worst nightmare.

      Thank you for your support of my happiness, and for your brotherly concern, Lance. You have a good heart, and this nation needs good hearts. I hope you’re working on an audition routine, because with your hat, you should be a dancer.

      • Awww tanks.

        So you find that you’re more qualified, but are you seriously gonna try to get on a ballot? I’m not trying to be gullible here, I just may have missed evidence to the contrary somewhere along the line. You’re crackin’ me up with those dance of and latino women. They’re not that far off from the very loud, very large women in Southern, Illinois whom I love. Family reunions… gotta love ’em.

        As for the corruption, between you, me, and anyone who happens to stumble upon this – I’m a bit of a political anarchist (in the academic Chomsky sense of the word, not the Molotov Cocktail Anarchist Cookbook sense). I refuse to register to vote because I believe in a more pragmatic political system than voting, but that’s a conversation for private. Basically, I wouldn’t want politics to ruin you. I know a great many people who, in the conflict of politics, were ruined (just look at the wrinkles on their faces) when they could have achieved the good of political activism. ONE, for instance, is politically active and I have participated without ever registering to vote. Just food for thought…

        Thanks, for the compliments. And what hat? The bandana?

        • Piper Bayard says:

          Am I actively going to try and get on a ballot? If the wave took me there, I would be willing. As for politics ruining me, I am not a politician. Politics is not my career. I would serve, and then I would go home and do something else, which is as it was meant to be at the founding.

          Sorry. The picture is little. Thought it was a hat. 🙂 A bandana definitely requires some dancing.

          • “If the wave took me there.”

            I can dig that. And I love the response. Sorry to sound so… gullible? I dunno, there’s just a shortlist of things that elicit my gut reaction of “for real?!”

            Haha. I might have to go back into that. I certainly enjoyed the last troup at the 10×10. They had one crew that did this thing with a strobe light, made it look like a bunch of still-shots or one of those old picture shows that Edison rigged up back in the late 1800’s.

            Short story long, it rocked and I wanted to dance dance dance more.

          • Piper Bayard says:

            It was a legitimate question. I know that every time a party coughs up a candidate, my response is, “Seriously?” I understand I am rightfully subject to the same scrutiny. Keep on dancing!

          • Marcia says:

            You know, you really ought to speak publicly, in much the same vein as here, like on Letterman or a more serious and respectable venue worthy of your thoughtful, sensible, all-American approach to the presidency. Wouldn’t it be a hoot if, say, the independent party backed you? You would definitely need Holmes to back you up with some fire power if you ever got elected. Stranger things have happened! I think you should seriously go for it.

          • Piper Bayard says:

            I’m humbled by your support. Thank you for your vote of confidence. And I’m living proof that stranger things have happened. Thank you for your comment, too. 🙂

  30. Piper! You have answered my prayers – you have no idea how badly I’ve wanted a candidate that I can actually stand behind. From what I can see, I like your platform! You have my vote. 🙂

  31. Susan S says:

    Best post of the week, anywhere. You totally have my vote.

  32. Jillian Dodd - Glitter, Bliss and Perfect Chaos says:

    You’d get my vote. Great post. Seriously. GREAT!

  33. Damn, I can’t string two steps together without treading on something, kicking something, or falling over … so, no life of politics for me. Colin Powell seems to be doing pretty good though! This is great, all your policies in one document, without the usual bullshit bingo lingo.
    Are you going to start #PipForPrez on twitter? Because if you don’t, I just might.
    Cheers!

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Lol. That’s a funny hashtag, but I think a few folks have started using #piper2012 already. And as far as your dancing abilities, I do give points for effort. Thank you for your support. 😉

  34. EXCELLENT post, Piper! I will definitely vote for you!

  35. Jenny Hansen says:

    I linked to you in my post tomorrow, Piper, but just wanted to tell you that I LOVE this post and wish, wish, wish that I could ever find someone to vote for. Especially if they’re like you. 🙂

  36. […] THIS party, Natalie Hartford will bring her truck with the hitch stripper pole… Perhaps our Pale Mistress of Exceptional Bellydancing, Piper Bayard, will show up and give us lessons. This is assuming she can take time from her campaign for […]

  37. Jami Gold says:

    I avoid politics like the plague. And not just for “branding” reasons, but also because they give me hives. 🙂

    But for you, I’m making an exception. You have my vote and my support!

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Thank you for making an exception, Jami. Politics gives me hives, too, which is one of the reasons I’m willing to do the job. I’m tired of itching every time I watch the evening news. I appreciate your support.

  38. […] HILARIOUS post by Piper Bayard Ok. I’ll do it. I’ll run for President. […]

  39. Piper for President! You have my vote! Finally someone I could actually vote for without saying I voted for “the lesser of two evils”.

  40. Piper for Prez! I’m ordering my t-shirt, bumper sticker, yard signs and banners today.

    You not only have my vote, I will happily man phones, get you coffee or tea or whatever beverage you need, and I will schmooze with everyone I meet until they promise to vote for you.

    Just don’t ask me to attend a baseball game and we’re golden.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      I’m hoping to have the t-shirt shop up and running before too long. 🙂 I very much appreciate your support and will take you up on all that schmoozing when the time comes. And as for the baseball games? I respect other people’s right to not express their religious freedom the same way I do. We’re all at different places in our journey. Any chance you have experience as a campaign manager?

      • Experience? Does running for ASB Secretary my junior year of high school count? If not, according to the job description Wikipedia has for Campaign Manager, I could totally do it.

        Being a bit OCD would work in my favor here. That, and my sparkling personality and ability to crack a whip under people’s behinds.

        You know where to find me. I’ll be here making home-made thank you cards for all the nice folks who voted for you. And brownies.

  41. Julie Glover says:

    I want a bumper sticker right now! PIPER FOR PREZ. Buttons, posters, and yard signs are welcome too. I would also suggest that negotiations among the administration and congress have a more friendly atmosphere; make it a potluck and have every bring a favorite dish to share. Love the post, Piper.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Absolutely! Maybe some team building activities. You know. Send them all to boot camp together. It will be interesting to see what they will do when they can’t blame their inability to work with a president on partisan politics. Thank you for your support. Much appreciated.

  42. Marcia says:

    You have my vote! Though if you change your mind about running, I’m not voting for anyone!

  43. Ken Morselander says:

    Saw a bumper sticker that says it all. Reelect noone. Tragically amusing post. You have my vote.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Thank you, Ken. I appreciate your support. 🙂

      Just checked out your blog. Very informative. I am known for “knowing everyone,” but I haven’t communicated with a healthcare sales professional in over 20 years. Nice to meet you.

  44. Nancy J Nicholson says:

    Piper, sign me up to your political campaign. I’ll revisit this post many times and pass it on, until the elections. You’ve done an amazing job outlining your platform, with no question to your stand or wishy washy double speak. I’ll write your name in as I hope others will as well.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Thank you Nancy. I know that the chances of me winning are about as likely as, . . . Oh, I don’t know . . . A woman choosing to wear a meat dress to the Oscars. . . . But perhaps with enough steam we can at least make a statement and do something positive. Thank you for your support.

  45. […] week Piper Bayard decided to step up to the plate in a big way. In her post, Ok. I’ll do it. I’ll run for President, she spills the dirty deets on her campaign platform. My favorite line of the entire post: “And […]

  46. […] and reading about my favorite writer/politician who, by the way, is running for “President“, I opened another of my favorites, written by Ollie’s Mom -”Life Is […]

  47. […] ever-scintillating Piper Bayard wrote a hilarious but simultaneously poignant piece called “Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll run for President.” I am totally ready to vote for her. I believe in her platform. As long as she eventually tells me […]

  48. […] Ok. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President. by Piper Bayard. […]

  49. […] week, I announced that, through sheer frustration, I am running for President of the United States of America. I outlined my platform in an attempt to demonstrate that I am the least unqualified of all of the […]

  50. […] most of you know, I am running for President of the United States, and my Vice Presidential Space Saving Running Mate is Kristen Lamb. I cannot express how humbled […]

  51. […] many of you know, I am running for President of the United States. As promised, my writing partner, Holmes, will be your new Secretary of Defense. You may recall […]

  52. […] you may know, I am running for the office of President of the United States, and Kristen Lamb is my Vice Presidential Space Saving Running Mate. Welcome to the official […]

  53. […] many of you know, I am running for President of the United States, and Kristen Lamb is my Vice Presidential Space Saving Running Mate. However, something much more […]

  54. […] recently announced my candidacy for President of the United States, along with my Vice Presidential Space Saving Running Mate, Kristen Lamb. We have several […]

  55. […] two amazing ladies to More Cowbell for a momentous event. I’m sure you’re aware that Piper Bayard has thrown her hat in the ring for the 2012 elections. It’s with great pleasure that I announce the kick-off Campaign Rally […]

  56. […] the way, I’m happy to support the campaign of Piper Bayard-Kristen Lamb for Election 2012. These authors got it goin’ on. Share this:TwitterFacebookLike this:LikeBe […]

  57. […] I’m running for president. It wasn’t an easy decision. I would much rather write books and chat with folks on social media all day, but since I don’t like the candidates the self-serving political parties are coughing up, I’m willing to take my best shot at doing a good job for my country. I mean, it’s going to be easier to write books all day once this country is straightened out, right? […]

  58. […] Words Wednesday topic is campaign slogans, and for Deep-Fried Friday I will be interviewing Piper Bayard and Kristen Lamb, presidential and vice-presidential candidates with a marvelous slogan and […]

  59. […] Piper stated in her original announcement, America is Simba the Lion. It is not Pumbaa the warthog’s cousin. In our administration, America […]

  60. […] something you should know about me as your next President of the United States of America. I don’t do booty call. Not for the EU, not for pharmaceutical companies, not for Citibank, not […]

  61. […]     Before you read this interview, you might want to find out more about their campaign. This article is about Piper’s decision to run, and I’m in love with their Granny Health Care Plan. […]

  62. […] am running for President of the United States, and my editor/mentor/friend Kristen Lamb is my Space Saving Vice Presidential Running Mate. Our […]

  63. […] am running for President of the United States of America, and my editor/mentor/friend, Kristen Lamb, is my Vice Presidential Space Saving Running Mate. Our […]

  64. […] Ok. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President. « Author Piper Bayard. Advertisement GA_googleAddAttr("AdOpt", "1"); GA_googleAddAttr("Origin", "other"); GA_googleAddAttr("theme_bg", "ffffff"); GA_googleAddAttr("theme_text", "333333"); GA_googleAddAttr("theme_link", "0066cc"); GA_googleAddAttr("theme_border", "cccccc"); GA_googleAddAttr("theme_url", "ff4b33"); GA_googleAddAttr("LangId", "1"); GA_googleAddAttr("Tag", "current-events"); GA_googleAddAttr("Tag", "politics"); GA_googleFillSlot("wpcom_sharethrough"); Share this:FacebookEmailTwitterLinkedInStumbleUponDiggLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. […]

  65. […] am running for President of the United States of America, and my Vice Presidential Space Saving Running Mate is Kristen Lamb. Our goal? To return our […]

  66. […] another hundred or so comments, see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President over at Bayard & […]

  67. […] another hundred or so comments, see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President over at Bayard & […]

  68. […] another hundred or so comments, see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President over at Bayard & […]

  69. […] another hundred or so comments, see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President over at Bayard & […]

  70. […] in the way of presidential candidates, I decided to run for President of the United States. (Ok. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President.)  Kristen Lamb, my editor/mentor/friend, is my Space Saving Vice Presidential Running […]

  71. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  72. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  73. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  74. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  75. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  76. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  77. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  78. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  79. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  80. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  81. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  82. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  83. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  84. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  85. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  86. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  87. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  88. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  89. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  90. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  91. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  92. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  93. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  94. […] I ran for US president (see Okay. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President), my space saving vice president, Kristen Lamb, and I set out to make our world a more efficient […]

  95. […] and I’m just saying, if George wants to run for real, I’d fully campaign for him. (Piper, maybe you can get him on your ticket somehow.). He’d look damn good on a dollar bill or […]

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