By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes
With Congress gearing up to shut down the US government altogether, Holmes and I have once again stepped up to Save the Planet and Strengthen the Economy while they are busy doing their Power Dance. . . . Hey. Somebody’s got to do the real work, right?
Today we introduce to you the Imperial Dwarf Deer.
Imperial Dwarf Deer, image from Alan D. Wilson, wikimedia commons
With the proper regulation of this soon-to-be-endangered species, we will not only save whales and other protected animals, we will strengthen the American economy by providing gangsters and lackadaisical teens with respectable, profitable employment that improves the environment and reduces the spread of disease. Allow us to explain. . . .
Currently, the International Whaling Commission has a moratorium on commercial whaling. This applies to all nations, except for the nations who choose to ignore it. Japan chooses to ignore it by issuing its whalers Scientific Research Permits which allow them to kill 1,035 whales each year. Of course, as soon as they are finished scientifically inspecting the animal they have landed and confirming that it is, indeed, a whale, they are free to sell it on the market as food. (“They” in this instance are the big fish in the Japanese fishing industry.) As a result, the Japanese slaughtered over 12,000 whales—minke, fin, humpback, and even sperm whales—between 1988 and 2009 alone.
So you must be wondering by now, what does all this have to do with the Imperial Dwarf Deer? We’re so glad you asked.
The Imperial Dwarf Deer, commonly referred to as the “muskrat,” is about the size of a cottontail rabbit and carries the Bubonic Plague. It has also infested vast sections of America and Europe, destroying irrigation channels and waterways with their burrowing, as well as the dikes and levees of coastal Europe. But let’s not be too hard on this rodent, because it is the answer for saving endangered species and strengthening the economy.
Holmes and I have already sent a proposition to the UN that it should rename the muskrat the Imperial Dwarf Deer and see it placed on Endangered Species lists across the globe. In addition, this proposition includes the establishment of the International Imperial Dwarf Deer Commission, which would immediately whip up a moratorium treaty outlawing hunting of the little varmint.
As soon is the Imperial Dwarf Deer is officially listed as an Endangered Species, making it chic and extremely expensive, certain benefits are sure to follow that stretch far beyond the saving of whales. . . .
- Imperial Dwarf Deer will replace the whale as the most coveted illegal food source in Asia, and every posh restaurant in Japan will want to serve it as its Imperial Special. Whale sushi would be as yesterday as Y2K.
- Everyone in Las Vegas will want one for a pet.
- Rebellious teenagers, delighted at the opportunity to engage in a fun, safe, illegal activity, will clean up the waterways and learn a little work ethic while earning black market profit.
- Gangsters will find Imperial Dwarf Deer hocking more profitable than illegal drugs, transforming them from Drug Lords to Imperial Dwarf Deer Lords.
- America and Europe will wrestle the “faux fur” market from China, pushing Imperial Dwarf Deer hides as superior to the raccoon dog skins currently being used in the clothing industry. (Dogs technically do not have fur, they have hair. Their hair is designated as “faux fur” and used in clothing. Yes. This could well mean your coat. Click here.)
As an added benefit, listing the Imperial Dwarf Deer as an endangered species will save Siberian tigers and rhinoceros, too. Holmes and I have already sent representatives to the likely heads of the International Imperial Dwarf Deer Commission, appealing to them to issue 20 million Scientific Research Permits to the nations of Japan and China specifically for the development of holistic herbal remedies.
The Asian herbal medication moguls would work closely with the University of East Anglia in the UK, famous for its cutting-edge global warming research, to produce ridiculous but convenient proof that the genitalia of the Imperial Dwarf Deer not only acts as an aphrodisiac, but is more effective than both tiger penis and rhino horn at stimulating penis growth in human males. It also has the added benefit of not stimulating penis growth in human females.
In conclusion, renaming the muskrat the Imperial Dwarf Deer and listing it as an Endangered Species would save the whales, protect tigers and rhinos, eliminate a plague rat from our waterways, clean up our irrigation canals, and end the destruction of the critically important dikes and levees in coastal Europe while providing responsible, yet illegal, employment for American teenagers and Imperial Dwarf Deer Lords. So remember tonight. . . .
Imperial Dwarf Deer. . . . It’s what’s for dinner!