The Reverend George Hutchings, and Girl Scout Cookie Interrogations

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

For some reason, girl scouts have been getting a lot of flack this year during their cookie sales. First, a troop of little girls was routed from their traditional sales post, the historic house in Savannah where the Girl Scout’s founder lived. And if that wasn’t enough, some little girls in Hazelwood, Missouri, were stopped from selling cookies in their own driveway when an anonymous neighbor complained about the increased traffic in the street.

Needless to say, much posturing, arguing, and confused little girl tears ensued as cookie merchants joined in battle with municipal court. Just as things were escalating into a NATO-endorsed food fight, a true good soul stepped in and made a sacrifice to restore neighborhood peace. That good soul was the Reverend George Hutchings.

Rev. Hutchings, seeing his neighborhood disintegrate into bedlam, cooked up the one solution that could satisfy everyone. He bought all of the cookies. Yes, all thirty-six boxes. Then, after claiming a couple for himself, he had the young ladies distribute the rest of the goodies to the neighbors to sweeten their bitterness in a most tasteful way.

This incident elicited the following statement and suggestion from Holmes:

“The good Mr. Hutching’s response is a great alternative to the Taliban-esque instincts demonstrated by the girl-scout-hating neighbor. I must admit that the reverend responded with a better instinct than I did. I simply wanted to send a couple of pals to find the neighbor and give him a little “cookie-boarding” therapy. (Water-boarding is no longer in fashion).

“Something about seeing people abusing children really brings out the ugly side in me. I was wrong. The reverend was right. Thank you, Reverend George, for making my world a little saner.

“Perhaps there is an opportunity here for America. I suggest that the Department of Homeland Security, a.k.a. The Department of Money is No Object but Sensibility is Beyond Our Budget, contract with girl scouts to buy up all of their surplus cookies. Jihadi terrorism suspects can be forced to eat cookies, washed down with brandy, until they talk.”

Personally, I think Holmes is onto something here with cookie boarding. As the legal department of this partnership, I can’t think of any solid objections to this method of interrogation, assuming the suspects are given their choice of cookie, and a quality brandy is used. Islamic suspects might object to drinking the fermentation of grapes for religious reasons, but let’s be honest, here. If they are the type of people who use Islam as an excuse to kill innocents, how seriously can they take the “religion of peace,” anyway? In fact, as the legal department and a woman, I would add a couple more legal interrogation tools to this list in the form of high heels and hot wax, Brazilian style.

But as far as the Reverend Hutchings is concerned, we salute you, sir, and we thank you for your personal sacrifice in purchasing more cookies than anyone could possibly consume outside of an interrogation setting for the purpose of promoting peace.

As it turns out, this is not the first creative solution Mr. Hutchings has devised for world problems. He is also known as “The Shoeman” for collecting 156,000 pairs of shoes, selling them at $.35 a pound, and using the money to purchase hydraulic drilling rigs to dig water wells in Kenya. Click here to learn more about Shoeman Water Projects, and let’s see if we can’t talk this gentleman into public office.


23 comments on “The Reverend George Hutchings, and Girl Scout Cookie Interrogations

  1. Here’s my cookie story for this year. I was running a cookie booth with two other moms and a handful of Daisies at a Walmart. Daisies are the youngest Girl Scouts, in kindergarten and first grade. For most of them, it was their first cookie booth ever. They had gotten over their shyness about hawking cookies and had been standing out in excessively strong wind for a few hours, really getting into the spirit of the thing while we adults tried to keep everything from blowing away.

    A potential customer responded to their polite, if enthusiastic inquiries and approached the table. She looked over girls, the cookies, the moms. And as the girls waited expectantly for her to make her selection she said, “I only eat organic foods.” She paused, and then turned more fully to the girls and explained, “I don’t eat foods that have chemicals in them.” She walked away while the girls were puzzling that one out.

    After a few steps she paused. Took a step back towards us. She said, “I also don’t support for-profit organizations that exploit little girls.”

    And then she waited, standing there on the balls of her feet, obviously hoping that we would engage her. But we were speechless. I recovered first, I think because I spend so much time in fiction that I’m not so shocked by freakish occurrences. “Well, thank you so much for stopping by. You have a good day now,” I told her, dismissing her.

    The other moms joined me in telling her buh-bye and she walked away disappointed that she couldn’t fight it out in front of a bunch of little kids.

    I’m still left with a feeling of WTFery about the incident.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Wow! Sounds like she needs a good cookie boarding to change her attitude. She clearly doesn’t know anything about the girl scouts. Kudos to you and the other parents for not biting. Reminds me of that old saying about not fighting with pigs because you both get dirty, and the pig likes it. Good for you!

      I have a bit of a cookie incident that occurred, myself, only I was the guilty party. When my teens and I walked out of our local grocery store, we saw that the girl scouts had set up while we were inside. Looking past the cheerful little trooper trotting up to me and straight at the pile of Thin Mints, I exclaimed, “Oh, my God! It’s the spawn of the devil!” I didn’t realize until my daughter started comforting the little girl that she thought I meant her. Lol. Poor thing. I bought more cookies because of it, though. 🙂

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your story. You set a great example for those little ones.

  2. Jess Witkins says:

    Where did you find that photo of the little boy? OMG, Hilarious! I’m with you and Holmes on your plan of attack and interrogation. If I ever get dragged in, can you save a box of the peanut butter ones for me? Mmmmm

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Lol. I found it on google images and couldn’t pass it up. Peanut butter, huh? My neighbor loves those, too, but I’ve never tried to interrogate her so I’m not sure just what she’d confess for one. Thanks for your comment and for stopping by.

  3. ellieswords says:

    “Please,” the terrorist begged, “plleeeaasse just give me one more thin mint.”
    “No,” the interrogator said severely. He broke a thin mint in front of the terrorist’s nose and then started eating it.
    In agony, the terrorist finally succumbed. “fine, fine I’ll talk! The weapons are in the third cave past the wadi. NOW can I have a cookie?”
    PEACE. 🙂

    • Piper Bayard says:

      LMAO! I see that, once you’re tired of writing, you have a future in homeland defense. Thanks for stopping by.

      • Kerry Meacham says:

        I’m thinking Cheech & Chong do a remake of their “Cigarette in the Eye” skit from Big Bambu.

        Cheech & Chong watching an war movie with the Gestapo interrogating a old concentration camp victim.

        “Signz zee papers old man.”
        “No, you can’t make me.”
        “Fine then old man. Would you like a cookie?”
        “uh, yes that would be….AAHHHHHHHHH.”
        Chong screams, “HE STUCK IT IN HIS EYE, MAN!!!”

  4. Callene Rapp says:

    As a lifelong Girl Scout and former cookie queen myself, I think they should be able to sell cookies where ever their little hearts desire. I fondly remember schelping my cookie card all over our little town of 1200, taking orders and sending myself to summer camp on more than one occasion.

    How flipping cranky and self centered are people these days, anyway? Don’t answer that. I should probably shut up before I get myself into trouble and force you to cookie board me. Wait…never mind! ;o) Cookie Board away! I deserve it!

    Hugs, Callene

    • Piper Bayard says:

      I’m with you. Let them sell their cookies wherever they want. It’s only for a few weeks, and it helps them learn responsibility. I suspect the people who protest cookie sales are the same people who complain about kids not doing anything productive. And as for that cookie boarding, would you prefer the Thin Mints or the Do-Si-Dos? 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

  5. educlaytion says:

    Great story. I hadn’t heard about this one yet. I think I need to hire you and Holmes for some pleasant treachery in my neck of the woods. Also “pleasant treachery” would be a great book title.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Pleasant treachery sounds delightful. Sort of like some fun shady business on a sunny afternoon. Too bad Holmes and I aren’t mercenaries, but if that status changes, I’ll let you know. Thanks for stopping by.

  6. Chaz says:

    Piper…. this pic/link would be appropriate

    There will always be some kill-joy in a neighbourhood. Could they not have reasoned that eventually, the cookies would have sold out and peace would have been restored to the neighbourhood?

    Good on the good rev for his wise, peaceful, bless-those-who-curse-you solution.



    • Piper Bayard says:

      I know. It’s such a temporary thing. But some people do seem to live to rain on parades, poop on parties, smash the corn chips, and so on. Thanks for your thoughtful comment.

  7. Love the chaplain! I wish more people would be like him. 🙂 This world would be a much better place then.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      It’s true. People like Rev. Hutchings who live good sense and service contribute so much more than the people who just preach and write books about it. Thanks for stopping by.

  8. i can’t in this case agree with the right rev. you gotta toughen up those girl scouts to face life. rarely in the real world will cinderella find her prince, ( with divorce rates at 50 percent, they think they find a prince, and he turns out to be a butt head ) rarely does a real idea get funding from a rich investment house, rarely do the rev hutchens show their faces and step up, and even if they do? it is irrational and illogical to think that it is the way life works.

    when we spoil our children, and provide these “easy outs” we give them a sense of entitlement, a sense that they are going to encounter obstacles and some nice guy who is a peacemaker will come into the picture and make everything ok.

    nope. the right rev should have taken them all around, in a van; walked up to houses, knocked on doors, and demonstrated to them how to sell those cookies. stick with the plan. keep a stiff upper lip.

    we all face adversity from whackos… daily. someone doesn’t like our blog, envious of our success, hates us for being ferrets, squirrels that plunk acorns on us … woodpeckers that don’t respect our sleep…

    and there is no right rev hutchens nearby to bail us out, we have to solve the problem ourselves.

    as to being a funny piece. great job, loved the humor, use of the absurd, and irony. continuous laughter lengthens life.

    loved it

    Col. Sam Newly Self Appointed Leader of the Ferret Militia i Tweet at @Samuel_Clemons

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Sam, I’m going to be wishing a Rev. Hutchings your way today, because all the bad stuff in the world doesn’t make the good stuff a lie. Good luck getting those ferrets in line, and thanks for stopping by and commenting. 🙂

  9. Susan S says:

    Good work, Rev. Hutchings and great post reporting it. The girl scouts were out in force at our local market a few weeks ago, and we bought our usual five boxes – between my husband and my teenage son, the cookies last about three days. I caught my son hiding some in the freezer. He was trying to bury them under frozen chickens. When I asked why, he said, “Because dad sleeps less than I do.”

    Res ipsa.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Lol. When I was Tesla’s age, I hid them in my desk. My brother found them, ate them all, and put the box back. . . . Yes. Res ipsa. Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  10. M.E. Anders says:

    Haha – my hubby just purchased 2 boxes of the cookies to support the cause. Sure, they’re unnecessary calories, but he thoroughly enjoyed them!

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