More Groping, Less Education, and a Fire Tzar. Where Will the Sequestering End?

By Piper Bayard

Just released! Holmes and I used our special connections (a telephone call to each other for a snark session) to uncover the White House plans for dealing with the new $85 billion budget cuts. This is what we discovered.

image from wikimedia, public domain

The TSA has drafted a new, more cost-effective security procedure. Instead of TSA agents conducting pat-downs at airport security, the TSA now asks that passengers please grope the person in the security line immediately behind them before they board any planes. If anyone has religious or common sense objections to that procedure, they will instead be allowed to grope themselves, but only if a TSA agent is watching.

In light of education cuts, education in America will now be Pay Per View through Amazon. Since my teens assure me that fifty percent of their classmates only show up at school to do their drug deals and practice sex ed techniques in dark library corners, this should reduce education expenses by fifty percent. It will also have the complimentary effect of reducing local police budgets, as our officers will no longer be called on to arrest 5-yr-olds who threaten to shoot bubbles at their classmates.

To address the impending nationwide reduction of firefighters, President Obama today signed 52 executive orders banning lighters, matches, and Beyoncé videos. He also appointed a cattle woman from Chicago named Mrs. O’Leary as his new Fire Tzar to establish yet another over-paid bureaucracy devoted to studying the source of fire violence.

Holmes and I, shocked and awed by this approach to governmental thrift, have already drafted a letter to Congress proposing that America recoup that $85 billion cut by discontinuing the tens of billions we give in foreign aid to countries that hate us and harbor people who try to kill us. We would also downsize Michelle Obama’s lavish, non-stop, taxpayer-funded vacation to two weeks a year, which is what the few taxpayers left in America have to enjoy. We would suggest that, like America’s shrinking middle class, Michelle spend that two weeks cleaning out the basement and having a garage sale, but since we taxpayers own her furniture and china, we don’t want to give her that idea.

What are your thrifty suggestions for trimming our expenses?

Making TSA Underwear Bomber Gropes Exciting

There’s been a great deal in the news this week about the waylaying of another Al-Qaeda underwear bomber. To be clear, this was an intelligence operation. Neither the Department of Homeland Surveillance Security nor the TSA had any part in it. Former DHS Director Michael Chertoff’s scanners where nowhere to be found, nor were any latex-gloved TSA agents. And even if those shocking and shockingly expensive strip-scanners had been on hand, so to speak, they can’t tell balls from bombs to have caught this, anyway.

 

Nevertheless, the DHS and the TSA are already using this incident to further justify irradiating and molesting American citizens in airports, on highways, and in bus terminals.

Our advice to you? As Holmes says, “Avoid the radiation by all means. We shouldn’t be irradiating our citizens. Situations like this make me long for the good old Cold War. At least back then, the government knew who we were supposed to irradiate, and we weren’t planning to offer those SOB’s any patdown options.”

 

We realize this subject causes great stress for many travelers, and our entire goal is to sell books alleviate your stress. So not long ago, we spent the better part of our evening sipping 10-yr-old Guinda* (recently smuggled in from Spain) and discussing some creative methods of reducing your stress and lightening up the summer travel season for you and all of your fellow travelers. Along with discussing other grave matters of national security, of course.

We want to extend our stress relief to TSA employees, as well. After all, except for the child molesters and other perverts among their ranks, they are mostly people who are just as beleaguered by their duty to grab your crotch as you are. Also, how would you feel if your boss was Janet Napolitano, the suspected calorically-enhanced twin sister of Janet Reno? We’re offering these suggestions to help you make your TSA Patdown fun for you and memorable for your TSA agent. Let’s fill America’s airports with laughter and joy this summer. It’s win/win.

 

We’re offering these suggestions to help make your TSA patdown fun for you and memorable for your agent:

1. Pretend you don’t speak English. Whatever translator they bring you, pretend you don’t speak that language, either.

2. If you’re traveling with a church group, you should all simultaneously cry out, “Hallelujah, the rapture is coming!” and start speaking in tongues.

3. Let yourself relax and enjoy it. In fact, moan loudly with pleasure. After all, lots of folks enjoy a good groping, and your TSA agents are hard at work looking for all of your security sweet spots. Be sure to cry out with passion to let your TSA agents know how much you appreciate their security technique. When it’s all done, compliment them, and if it’s your first time, let them know it was everything you dreamed of. Meg Ryan gives us a great example for the TSA encounter.

4. Educate your TSA agent to the benefits of becoming an Amway salesman and refuse to move on until you have finished with your sales pitch.

5. If you are a melanin-gifted traveler, and you’re being groped by a melanin-challenged TSA agent, burst out singing Perry Como’s “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” with the broadest smile you can muster. (We recommend against any rap songs about killing authority figures.)

6. Tell your TSA agent that if her groping inspires an out-of-body experience, you will reward her with a kiss and a phone call on the morrow.

7. For men, wear a kilt with no underwear. When they get to your genitals, have a bouquet of flowers pop out of your cod purse playing Bad Romance by Lady Gaga. Then, in your best Mike Myers Scottish accent, exclaim, “Ah, Laddie, ye give such good grroope!”

If the TSA fails to offer you a complimentary groping and attempts to re-route you through a metal detector, remind them loudly that you paid full fare for this ticket, and you are every bit as entitled to a groping as any other traveler would be. And don’t worry. If you are a virgin, you will still be a virgin when they are finished. But if they offer the free cavity search, definitely turn them down.

Let’s fill America’s airports with laughter, song, and joy this summer travel season. It’s win/win. And remember, you’re in good hands with TSA.

 

All the best to all of you for avoiding all unwanted gropings.

Piper Bayard—The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse, and

Holmes—Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points

*Guinda is a traditional Spanish drink made from cherries. It will give you a serious case of the warm-fuzzies.

The End is Near (and we deserve it). . . . Cat Runs for Virginia Senate Seat

Hank For Senate: Cat Runs For Office In Virginia

If I wasn’t running for president, myself, I would try and get Hank to do it. My people will be talking with his people about a cabinet position.

image from myfoxdc.com

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

I love the way Vicki Hinze’s beautiful soul shines through in everything she does. Ellie Ann has A Chat with Best Selling Author Vicki Hinze.

Joy recalls what Leap Day has meant to her over the years, from the Leap Day she found out her 3-day-old baby girl needed a heart transplant until the present day. “Your Baby Will Need a Heart Transplant”

Best selling author of We Are Not Alone (WANA), Kristen Lamb, enters the world of vlogging at her site this week with We Are Not Alone, Volume 1, telling people about the social media love revolution.

The TSA is Coming to a Highway Near You, by Representative Marsha Blackburn, R-Tennessee. Apparently, groping us in airports no longer satisfies the Department of Homeland Security’s desire for power. As they would say on Criminal Minds, the TSA is devolving.

Donna Newton interviews horror writer Brad Keene. 30 Second Interview with . . . Brad Keene

An important message from author Roni Loren. Enough with the Quid Pro Quo Blogging Etiquette

Why You’re Not as Great as You Think You Are comes via the awesome Dr. Elizabeth Boskey. Yes. Some folks are so dumb they don’t know how dumb they are. Actually, I think we pretty much all fall into that category with some topic or another.

A sad moment for me. Davy Jones died this week at 66. Davy Jones of The Monkees was my first crush. Never mind that no one in the band could actually play their instruments when they got together. Davy’s whacky humor, good nature, and idealistic songs gave me smiles during my youth and helped me grow up believing in daydreams. Thank you, Davy. RIP.

I only hope that one day, I’m talented enough to play a guitar through a tie. Not that it matters.

All the best to all of your for a week of daydreams you can believe in.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

The End is Near (and we deserve it). . . . Dennis Rodman to Coach Topless Women’s Basketball Team

Rodman to coach topless team in NYC

Dennis Rodman is launching a topless women’s basketball team on behalf of his favorite strip joint in NYC. The goal is to raise money for charity by playing a team from a rival strip club. His advice to the ladies trying out for the team? “You don’t have to have too much experience, just know how to throw the ball into the hole.”

Click here for the full article.

Moving right along . . .

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

A very cool thing happened for me this week. After I ran last week’s The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . TSA Confiscates a Cupcake, I got a tweet from none other than author/professor/singer Rebecca Hains, the TSA cupcake lady. She sent me this clever video based on her experience.

I don’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. Why Polygamy is the Right Choice for You, Second Husband by Julie Davidoski. (Watched it again, Julie, and still laughing too hard to comment. )

My editor/mentor/friend Kristen Lamb gives great advice and resources for making this our best year yet. Kung Fu Writing – Taking on the Year of the Dragon.

Cold weather and pets? Talk to pet care specialist Amy Shojai. Pet Health: How to Keep Pets Safe Through the Cold Winter

Via Lonny Dunn at ProNetworkBuild - China’s Bubble Economy: What it Means to Your Business

image from forum.teamxbox.com

And just who can you trust these days? White House Denies CIA Teleported Obama to Mars

Jillian Dodd guest posts at Donna Newton’s blog and reminds us how how spouses help us get through the 24/7 of life. The Perfect Man

Gene Lempp tells us about the Cult of Lemuria and speculates on how lemurs can be in India and Madagascar, but nowhere else. Fantastical Realm, Real World

So You Want to Write a Novel. Laugh out loud video by David Kazzie sent to me via James Rollins this week. This is an actual conversation that takes place thousands of times across the nation each day, and even more often in November (National Novel Writing Month).

All the best to all of you for having proper attire on the court, however you conceive it to be.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Bayard/Lamb 2012 – Apocalypse Not. Don’t Drink the Kool-Aid!

I am running for President of the United States, and my editor/mentor/friend Kristen Lamb is my Space Saving Vice Presidential Running Mate. Our goal? To bring some common sense back to the governing of this country.

There’s been much ado lately about the so-called countdown to the so-called Mayan Apocalypse. As your next president and post-apocalyptic specialist, I checked into this to determine the level of security threat to the nation.

My conclusion is that there is exactly no threat to our security, as the Mayans never predicted an apocalypse in the first place. In fact, I’ve discovered that the descendants of the Mayans are now, even as we speak, sharing a Dos Equis and asking each other, “What the hell are they talking about?”

In the Judeo-Christian-Muslim world, we conceive of time as being linear, having a beginning and an end, and moving in a straight line in between. The Mayans, on the other hand, see time as being cyclical, represented as the Snake Loop Lady.

That’s a fancy way of saying they believe history repeats itself in a spiral fashion. They have a nifty-looking calendar that marks this spiral in an extremely complicated way, providing guru seekers with many hours of avoiding any kind of real work by sitting around asking, “What can this mean?”

In the Mayan calendar, December 21, 2012 marks the end of a long count, or b’ak’tun. It will be the end of the 13^th b’ak’tun, each of which is 394.3 solar years.

The end of the 13^th b’ak’tun means three things. First, it represents an undefined shift in the consciousness of the human race. Second, it means that it’s the beginning of the 14^th b’ak’tun, and you should flip your Mayan calendar back to “January.” And third, it’s considered a very cool thing to be around at the transition of a b’ak’tun so the Mayan descendants will have a New Year’s Party that Dick Clark won’t want to miss.

As your President and Vice President, Kristen and I feel it is our duty to keep corporations and media from selling their Snake Loop Lady Snake Oil to the masses and sucking the money out of an already near-failing economy. Therefore, we will take measures to prevent any more mind-boggling transactions that give people the strong impression that End is Near.

• First, no more book deals for Snooki. After all, who wouldn’t think the end is near when they see this?

• Second, the TSA will no longer be allowed to confiscate cupcakes. Rebecca Hains, the lady whose cupcake was recently deemed a security hazard, will be the new Big Sis in charge of the Department of Homeland Security. Her first task will be to teach TSA agents the difference between a terrorist threat and a tasty treat.
• Third, no more “reality TV” shows with “real housewives” unless they show up in their pajamas with a vacuum cleaner and 1 – 3 toddlers hanging off of them and no help in sight. Also, any spoiled, neurotic bride shows like Say Yes to the Dress must be followed up with either Say No to that Crazy B**ch, or If You’re Going to Marry Her, Keep a Cyanide Capsule Handy because Death Will Be Cheaper than Divorce.
• Fourth, there will be no more shutting down of small children’s lemonade stands or Girl Scout Cookie sales.
• Fifth, North Korea will no longer be allowed to chair Nuclear Disarmament Conferences at the UN.

In order to keep you apprised of the varying threat levels from corporations and media who are intent on creating mass hysteria to suck the money from your wallets, we have developed the following warning system:

Code Blueberry Muffin (relatively low, but keep your guard up)

Code Plum Pudding (publisher negotiations with Snooki)

Code Pound Cake (Kardashians contract reality tv marriage show)

Code Fruit Cake (A Kardashian marries Kim Jong Un and founds World Center for Peace Through Intelligence)

Code Red Velvet (TSA degenerates to confiscating Girl Scout cookies)

image from reason.com

If we ever issue a Code Red Velvet, our DHS Secretary Hains will promptly deploy the Betty Crocker Weapons Defense System (pictured above), which will neutralize rampaging TSA agents with a lunch break and a cupcake.

The only thing higher than a Code Red Velvet is totally in the hands of the President and Vice President, who have the keys to the Special WSAHF (We’re Screwed Anyway So Have Fun) Cabinet.

If it’s anything other than a drill, we will call on our Secretary of Agriculture, Shawna Coronado, to provide the third key, which will allow us to access the truffles, chocolate sprinkles, and Godiva chocolate vodka. We know our First Mates will have other priorities so we will be spending quality time with them when the alcohol kicks in.

So remember, folks, as we proceed through 2012, keep in mind that the Mayan Apocalypse is the latest Beanie Baby Market. A Hallmark Holiday. Something completely manufactured by media and corporations in order to milk the cash cow of America.

Don’t drink the Kool-Aid!

Today, the Foxie with Moxie Pair is honored to make a Campaign Blog Tour Stop at Jillian Dodd’s Glitter, Bliss, and Perfect Chaos. Find out how we will use our wardrobe to encourage other countries to be less dependent on the US, and who will get to play catch at the Inaugural Punkin’ Chunkin’.

All the best to all of you for avoiding Kool-Aid.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

The End is Near (and we deserve it). . . . TSA Confiscates a Cupcake

I’m thinking it was somebody’s snack time. Even if the frosting was explosive gel, it probably couldn’t blow the lid off the jar, much less a hole in an airplane.

Jami Gold is having a pitch session over at her blog, and editors from Entangled Publishing are listening. Write Fiction? Why You Should Try a Short Story

Best selling author Vicki Hinze tells us Why Writers Need a Plan.

NYT best selling author Bob Mayer makes Ten Daring Predictions for 2012 from the Indie Author Trenches.

image from thehockingholler.blogspot.com

Some great winter driving tips from a woman who has Colorado street cred, Susie Lindau. Winter Driving Tips from a Wild Rider!

New Laws Ban Happy Hour, Regulate Fire-Breathing

Holiday Christmas Music Flash Mob of the American Festival Chorus at Cache Valley Mall. This looks like fun to me.

Have you ever been part of a flash mob? 

On a different note, have you had anything confiscated by the TSA?

All the best to all of you for a Happy New Year!

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Winning the TSA Fight: Groping with the Stars

Encouraged by the Bayard & Holmes focus on TSA, the Texas legislature is now considering a bill to make it a felony for a security officer to touch a person’s privates during a search, even over clothing, unless there is probable cause to suspect that person is carrying something illegal. We are pleased to see that our unrelenting pressure on the TSA is giving law makers across the country the courage to momentarily admit that they are supposed to be in charge.

We also want to applaud legislators on both sides of the aisle from Hawaii, Alaska, Michigan, Montana, New Hampshire, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Texas and Washington who have formed a Don’t Touch My Junk Caucus, formally known as the United States for Travel Freedom Caucus, but that’s not nearly as fun to say. Click here for the full article by Sen. Sam Slom (his mother’s choice of name, not ours).

We’re so happy to be contributing to the fight against Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind, a.k.a. TSA groping. Take heart! Our resistance is paying off. Feel free to review our past suggestions for making your next TSA intimate social contact as tolerable as possible for both yourself and your TSA agent.

Meanwhile, we are currently attempting to get the airlines on board with our efforts for improving the travel situation while helping them survive. We are proposing our new deluxe travel option, Groping with the Stars.

To recapture a bit of the glamour from the early days of commercial flight, has-been, but still attractive, Hollywood stars get a chance to assist the airlines in improving those carriers’ currently dreadful bottom line while reviving their own careers. Don’t worry, no Danny Bonaducci’s or Lindsay Lohans here. We’re talking HILFs. Has-been’s I’d Like to . . . Yea, you get it. . . . Fondle. . . . Of course, we meant fondle. Sheesh!

Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria searches Young and Restless costar

For example, newly unemployed soap opera stars from Days of Our Lives and The Young and the Restless will be servicing LAX. Just watch out for Susan Lucci, though. She’s got her Emmy, and knows how to use it. Those Desperate Housewives? You’ll be able to find them heating things up in Houston International Airport. Should be interesting to see how their hair holds up in the humid climate. And let’s not forget the entire cast of Twilight, who will be too type-cast for any roles except parodies of themselves by the time Breaking Dawn breaks the box offices. They’ll be in Seattle, of course. Keep in mind that you get extra Frequent Groper Miles if you can coax a facial expression out of Kristen Stewart.

Kristen Stewart, a.k.a. Bella–Good luck with this one.

In addition, for a small, reasonable fee, you will have the option of purchasing post-security, extended groping activities in small, private rooms located past security check points. These rooms are equipped with fully stocked wet bars and state-of-the-art, ergonomically enhanced acrobatic equipment. However, if at any time our celebrity TSA agents or their unattractive supervisors feel you have violated security procedures, they are free to cease all search activities, and you will be escorted from the room without a refund.

With so many legislators from both parties getting on board with our philosophies, we are winning the fight for Dignity and Western Civilization. Be strong, persevere, and remember . . . every TSA encounter is an opportunity to give to your country. We here at Bayard & Holmes salute you.

Who would you like to see in your TSA grope line? What HILF would you pay extra to get to share quality time with? Do you think probable cause to suspect wrongdoing should be required before intimate touching by the TSA?

Related posts:

Holiday Survival with Bayard & Holmes, Dec. 23

Airport Security: Does This Profile Make My Butt Look Fat?

All the best to all of you for fighting the good fight.

Piper Bayard—The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes—Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points

Holiday Survival with Bayard & Holmes, Dec. 30

I’m a pragmatic author/belly dancer who looks for the win/win situation every time. My writing partner, Holmes, is a man with experience in intelligence and covert operations who believes most issues can be solved with sex, C4, or hollow points. For the month of December, we’re dedicated to alleviating your holiday stress by helping you solve your dilemmas. 

Secret agent and belly dancer. Not us. Click here for the From Russia with Love belly dance scene.

Let’s see what’s on your minds this week. . . .

Mr. Mims asks, “What to do about a crazy family and a sort of girlfriend?”

Bayard:  You’re in luck because when it comes to crazy family, I’ve got a crazy in every flavor. There’s grandpa’s third wife who wails like a mourner at an Arabic funeral when she feels ignored. And let’s not forget Uncle Fred. He goes on a bender and chases Momma with a pitchfork because she painted smiley faces on his matchbox cars when they were five. I even have Cousin Gordon who walked down the street naked because he was dancing with the Red People. Yep. When it comes to crazy, I know what I’m talking about. That’s why I carry a 9mm Sig Sauer P239. Be assured, it’s win/win. You fulfill your family obligations, and you can be relatively certain your ”Uncle Fred” won’t be stabbing you at the dinner table. Just be sure to practice responsible gun control and learn to aim before the family gathering. 

Sig Sauer P239. Don’t leave go home without it.

And as for the sort of girlfriend, the only men I know with “sort of” girlfriends are “sort of” boyfriends. Pray tell, Mr. Mims, what are your intentions toward this young lady?  Perhaps you should ante up. You’ll win some or learn some, and that’s win/win.

Holmes:  Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and if not, you’ll still be glad you’re gone. Find a better girlfriend and spend less time with the family.

Our reader, Ellie, writes, “My brother-in-law asked for peace on earth. Is there any way Holmes can work that out for me by Christmas?

Bayard:  Well, Holmes’ wife tells me that he inspires her to see God at least a dozen times a week, but I don’t think she means he’s been given divine authority. But since I always look for a win/win, I wrote to President Obama and asked him to dismiss Hillary Clinton and make Holmes his new Secretary of State. I have reason to think the president has Hillary packing right now because he sent me a very personal email in response. ”Thank you for sharing your concern. Please be assured that I am concerned about your concern, and my administration is addressing your concern immediately.” Suppose he’ll be my Facebook friend, now?

Holmes:  Thanks. I needed a good joke for the holiday season. If I could arrange world peace, I certainly would. I’ve lowered my expectations over the decades, though, and I’m now happy to have peace in my neighborhood.

We aren’t just helping out people with their holiday stress, but animals, too. Sarcastic Sam, the sexy, poptart-loving, blogger Twitter ferret, has a double header for us this week.

• What should I do with all of the invites from the ladies? There’s only so much of me to go around.

Bayard: I can certainly see how a sexy ferret might be overwhelmed this time of year. I recommend the Golden Rule of Flirting to handle this one. Always say yes; never say when. That way, you keep the ladies happy knowing they are all special to you, and you’ll able to pace out your social engagements so that you can still get in your naps and blueberry poptarts. It’s win/win.

Holmes: For a very reasonable fee, I’ll handle them for you.

• Is it fair for me to accept all of these gifts? After all, I am the sexiest ferret alive.

Bayard: Of course, it’s fair. All’s fair in war and gifting. In fact, this is a wonderful opportunity to spread holiday cheer. It’s said that it’s more blessed to give than to receive so every time you accept a gift, a little bell rings in heaven and that gift giver is blessed. . . . Or is it that the gift giver gets his wings? . . . Anyway, you’re spreading holiday cheer. Just be sure to show them plenty of excitement, and keep a list so you don’t re-gift the same things back to them next year. Besides, anyone who sends unsolicited gifts to an unidentified ferret deserves to be parted with her cash. It’s win/win.

Holmes: No. I think you should forward them to me.

A sincere thank you to everyone who sent in questions for Bayard & Holmes Holiday Survival this month. We are delighted that we could help ease your tensions and we hope you’re all having a happy holiday. Watch for more Bayard & Holmes in 2011 as we review movies, green up the military industrial complex while saving the USPS, and offer our assistance with your matters of romance.

Please be sure to comment and nominate your deserving, over-grasping celebrity, politician, or sports figure who missed his or her calling as a hands-on TSA agent for our 2010 Bayard and Holmes Honorary TSA Agent Award. We’ll be taking nominations through January 13. We’d also love to hear how your TSA patdowns are going.

All the best to all of you for a Happy New Year!

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes–Student of sex, C4, and hollow points

Little boy and little girl playing at computer. This is us.

Looking Back the Morning After

The last week of the year is a lot like the morning after a wild night. It’s full of reflection. . . . Wow, that dance was fun! . . . Oh, man, that fight sucked. . . . Uhmm. I don’t really remember that part. Do I owe anyone an apology? . . . But looking back is a necessary part of moving forward, at least if you’re consciously choosing your path. Since I’m usually devoted to consciousness, I’m looking back on the year, including my social media year.

In the spring, I went to the DFW Writers Conference as an aspiring writer, a belly dancer, and a recovering attorney, and I returned home as a guinea pig.

Kristen Lamb is an author/editor/social marketing maven who was at the conference and knew a clueless test case when she met one. (That would be me.) With her book, We Are Not Alone: The Writer’s Guide to Social Media, and enough honey treats, she coaxed me into the world of blogging, Twitter, and Facebook. (I wrote all about it for her blog in The Guinea Pig Diaries. Bweep, bweep.)

I didn’t believe it when I first started blogging, but I quickly found that one voice really can change the world. After I ran If Not Religion, What? about how gender disparity is the true source of jihad, China took notice and is now reconsidering its One Child Rule. Who knew I would have so many Chinese readers after only four blogs? Now, I’m just waiting for that massive immigration of Latinas to the Middle East that I proposed in How Latinas Can End Jihad and Save us from Apocalypse. Maybe I should see if my spy novel writing partner, Holmes,* can arrange to have some flyers dropped over Ecuador? Because let’s face it, folks, a little more Shakira in the world can only make it a better place.

After blogging came Facebook. When I first entered that world where all of the compartmentalized segments of decades converge, I wondered in a blog if it was more like a trip to Costco, or a trip to outer space?  I actually have an answer now. Facebook is like being dead. Everyone I’ve ever known from any time in my life seems to be ending up here eventually. Not only that, people I hadn’t spoken to in decades and barely knew anyway greeted me like I was a long lost friend. Real long lost friends said even better things to me, and long lost enemies were willing to set things aside because, after all, it takes a long time to make old friends. Shoot, Facebook is such a nice place, I don’t even know half my “friends.” So all in all, I’d say social media is as friendly as a funeral.

I got to do sociological experiments, too. Those are always fun because I get to mess with people’s minds and call it science. I found that, when it comes to holiday greetings, people generally welcome anything they perceive as the equivalent of Happy Water Buffalo Day. I think next year, I’ll expand on that experiment by wishing people a Happy Prestidigitation. That sounds religious in a Latiny sort of way, and almost no one knows what it means.

Little girl wishing baby water buffalo a Happy Water Buffalo Day

Just so we’re all on the same page, prestidigitation means performing magic tricks with the hands or showing deceitful cleverness. I had to look that one up, so that’s something else I’ve learned this year.

I didn’t just get in touch with old friends, I made new friends, as well. One of my favorites is Rea Fraser, a lady documenting her life as an outsider in Algeciras, Spain, with her camera. Everything from cute babies to matadors. (Btw, does anyone actually know what that matador bulge is? I mean, that’s just not anatomically possible.) Check her out at Not So Spanish. I also met Jessica Bern, a lady who consistently makes me laugh with her “good, clean . . . ‘ish’ fun” at Bernthis.com. And I met a Andi, a woman who writes with genuine depth and beauty about her personal journey through the apocalypse of losing her home to a fire at Burning Down the House.

I think the best thing about the year in blog, though, has been the chance to perform some real public service. Holmes and I saw the Most Wonderful Time of the Year becoming a pain in the ass for those around us, and we wanted to offer our peace and joy services as a belly dancer and a spook through Holiday Survival with Bayard & Holmes. And are we glad we did! We’ve had the chance to help people with everything from disposing of their husband’s junk trash to kidnapping pesky in-laws and enjoying TSA patdowns. Warms my heart to bring such holiday cheer to the downtrodden.

Secret agent and belly dancer. Not us.

All in all, the writer-to-author guinea pig fur is receding, and I’m transforming back into a human to start the new year. I could probably find some reliable psychic to tell me what will happen next year. . . . I’m guessing she would predict my post-apocalyptic novel, Seeds, will be wildly successful in the marketplace, my house will stay perpetually clean, and my children will turn into perfect angels. . . . I mean, that’s what psychics are paid to say, right? But do I really want to know? Or do I want to be surprised by the ride? Hmm. Life. The Ultimate Adventure. Nah. I’ll definitely save my money and take it as it comes.

How has 2010 treated you? What are you proud of? What do you plan to change in the coming year?

All the best to all of you for a Happy New Year of being who you want to be.

Piper Bayard—The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

“Don’t stall. Don’t commiserate. Pray boldly. . . . The battle is still in front of you.” – Holmes

*Holmes is a man with experience in intelligence and covert operations.

Airport Security: Does This Profile Make My Butt Look Fat?

Airline travelers have always had lots of questions to answer. First class or coach? Aisle or window? Checked bag or overhead? Now we have one more. . . . Strip search or grope? Indeed, there is no Apocalypse like the one we create for ourselves.

In case you haven’t heard, the TSA has new scanners and a new “enhanced pat down” procedure as of October. If you set off a metal detector, refuse to remove your head gear, or are randomly selected, you have to either have a pat down or go through one of two types of scanners that takes naked pictures of you.

The pat down is more invasive than a police frisk, with TSA agents actually running their hands around breasts, up skirts, and around genitals. Even small children, like the one below, are not spared this molestation. 

So I have some questions. If I’m gay, can I request a grope by someone of the opposite gender? How about we hire some attractive TSA agents, like Chippendales dancers or Miss America candidates? If I enjoy it, am I supposed to tip? Seriously. I think even Bill Clinton would agree this is some kind of sexual encounter.

The alternatives, the millimeter wave or backscatter x-ray scanners, take naked pictures like the one below. These scanners emit an unspecified amount of radiation, and they have not been thoroughly tested for safety. This is a backscatter x-ray image from the TSA web site.

Supposedly, these scanners are the only thing standing between us and the jihadi horde. They’re supposedly in response to the underwear bomber. Hmm. Makes me think of a Saturday Night Live skit about Obama meeting with the Chinese. . . . “Would you please kiss me? . . . I like to be kissed when someone is making sex on me.”

Why do I say that? It’s only been a year since the Underwear Bomber got his knickers in a twist. These machines were ordered in 2005 when Michael Chertoff was Secretary of Homeland Security with the Bush administration. Chertoff represents the company that makes the machines and benefits from their sales. As a proud, hard-core moderate, I’m not much of a conspiracy theorist, but that money trail is no deer path through the forest. It’s an interstate highway with road signs. Click here for a video of our representatives discussing this connection on the House floor.

And is this system working? Not so well. There’s no evidence that these measures make any difference, and there’s lots of evidence that they are unjustifiably invasive.

Tom Sawyer, a bladder cancer survivor, tried to explain he had a urostomy bag, but TSA officials wouldn’t listen. As a result, they broke the seal on the bag, covering him in urine. Breast cancer survivors are having their prothetics inspected in public. A rape survivor was terrorized in Chicago when a man did her pat down, something that wasn’t supposed to happen, and small children, like this 3-yr-old girl, are being dealt the stuff of nightmares. And to top it off, Consumer Traveler has obtained evidence from TSA officials that some of these pat downs are, indeed, unofficially punitive in nature because TSA wants people to choose the scanners.

What stops the TSA from putting these measures into every bus stop, train station, and subway in the nation? There are already backscatter x-ray vans on our streets, scanning people and the contents of their vehicles. Yes, really. (Click here for the Forbes article on that.)

Before we know it, the TSA will be the largest employer in the U.S., at which point, we’ll be paying them to stand still and grope the person to their left. And how enhanced will the pat down become when someone sneaks a bomb on a plane the old-fashioned Prison Way?

 

So why are we subjecting all law-abiding citizens to this emotional and sexual assault? Because America refuses to profile, even though it works in other nations who are securing their flights without these scanners or gropings. Not too many Americans are proud of the WWII internment camps, and we probably all know someone or have, ourselves, been harassed because of skin color or financial status. I certainly remember the social judgments and police attention I got when I was living with one foot on the street and one foot on a banana peel. Not fun. 

I get that profiling is a slippery slope, but how much slipperier is the slope of violating the civil rights of ALL Americans? We are at a crossroads. Do we revoke the right of ALL Americans to be secure in their persons, or do we offend a small minority by acknowledging that it’s a subset of the Muslim population that is the primary source of our security issues?

I have a solution to this quandary. Don’t profile the bad guys. Profile the good guys. It works like this. . . . A 76-yr-old, 5th generation American grandma visiting her grandkids? Express lane. A 44-yr-old African-American Baptist preacher from Georgia? Express lane. A 5-yr-old Mexican-American boy traveling to his cousin’s quinceniera? Express lane. You get the idea.

The fact is that we all have a threshold for what we will tolerate in government violations. So I have a question for you. What’s your threshold? Is it the unknown effect of the radiation scanners? Is it the naked pictures they take? Is it the intimate fingering of your genitals? Or is it when they want to pat down your 13-yr-old daughter’s breasts? How much liberty will you give up for the illusion of security?

ASS of the APOCALYPSE:  The TSA agents who searched Tom Sawyer. He had to ask them twice for privacy before they took him to an office to do the search. In that office, his pants fell down around his ankles. He asked them repeatedly to let him pull them up, and they refused. They then broke the seal on his urostomy bag, covering him in urine. He was not able to clean up until his flight was in the air. This is criminal.

HERO of the APOCALYPSE:  For me, it’s John “Don’t Touch My Junk” Tyner for taking a stand when they reached his threshold. He refused to allow TSA officials to grope his genitals when they randomly pulled him out of line at the San Diego International Airport. As a result, TSA officials threatened him with a $10,000 fine and a civil law suit. Click here to read his story in his words and listen to his recordings of the encounter as it took place.

This is pretty heavy stuff so let’s lighten up with a Saturday Night Live take on the new enhanced pat down. Click here. This is a hoot! Also, take A Closer Look at Airport Security with David Letterman.

All the best to all of you for a week of liberty.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

“Don’t stall. Don’t commiserate. Pray boldly. . . . The battle is still in front of you.” — Holmes