The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Driving School for Dogs

Though it is for a good cause, it’s too bad we don’t put this much effort into teaching humans to drive. Maybe the “click and treat” method should be employed in human Drivers Ed classes.

Perhaps we could get more people to adopt orphans and foster children if there was a program like this to show people how awesome those kids can be with time and attention.

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

The Three Stages of Author Marketing by historical fiction author Susan Spann over at Writers in the Storm this week. Look for Susan’s debut novel, CLAWS OF THE CAT, next July.

Heather Konik over at Prawn and Quartered is one of the most astute people I know. How Bob Costas Got it Wrong

Sometimes it seems we can never do enough. Pack Your Bags, We’re Going on a Guilt Trip by the ever-clever Best Selling Author Kristen Lamb.

What have been your turning points? Life-Defining Moments by Award Winning Best Selling Author Vicki Hinze.

KM Huber shares her journey to digestive health. At a time when so many of us are going gluten free and making other dietary changes to avoid that daily handful of pills that seems to accompany middle age in the West, it helps to hear how persistence can get you there over time. And Then, You’re There

Dating Guru Blake Eastman Decodes Body Language

Five Things Really Smart People Do

Image by Magnus Manske, wikimedia commons

Black Panthers sightings have been common throughout the South for decades, yet scientists still don’t believe. Black Panther Folklore by Catie Rhodes.

And in case you’re wondering what to get those ladies in your life this holiday season, don’t forget we now have Bic Pens for Women. Hysterical video from Ellen Degeneres that comes to us thanks to mystery writer Kathy Owen. Thanks, Kathy! Good thing I can type. Not sure I could handle one of these.

And now for our Campaign Style Poll Daddy of the week.

All the best to all of you for a safe week behind the wheel.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Dreamers

My parents sat us in front of the TV on that July day back in 1969 and said, “You will want to tell your children about this.” We watched Neil Armstrong take the first walk on the moon, not understanding how remarkable it was, but thinking it was incredibly cool just the same.

Our young lives were filled with Tang and Quisp and astronauts, and since each generation believes the world springs fully formed at the moment of its own birth, we took the moon walks for granted. After all, they happened every few months, and at our age, there wasn’t really a time before. We were certain people would be living on the moon by the time we were adults, using it as a base to explore the rest of the solar system.

And Star Trek? Why not? Even Russians and Americans eventually set aside the space race fueled by the Cold War and shared the International Space Station. Space wasn’t only the final frontier. It was the place where humans stood together in the face of the unknown Universe. The very essence of Star Trek made real.

Image from public domain.

I am only now fully feeling the possibility that there will be no more moon walks in my lifetime. In fact, I’m fond of saying, “We put a man on the moon with a slide rule. Why can’t we do it again with all of these computers? I’m not seeing any improvement here.”

But Neil Armstrong and the other brave astronauts of those years planted a seed in the minds and hearts of humanity that not only stands for the wonders we can find in the night sky, but for what is possible here on earth. My parents were right. I do point to that moment and tell my children, “Anything is possible if we choose to make it so.”

Image from NASA.

Thank you, Neil Armstrong. R.I.P.

All the best to all of you for keeping the fire burning.

~ Piper Bayard

Things I Learned on Vancouver Island

That’s it. I’m in love with Canada. Genuinely a land of Northern efficiency and Southern hospitality.

We spent most of the past two weeks on Vancouver Island, in Victoria and on the shore outside of Sooke. The full moon reflecting off the Strait of Juan de Fuca was worth the trip in itself. The best of both civilization and the wild in a land where vast tracts of mountain forest drop straight down to the sea.

I learned many things in this place where earth, sky and water converge.

This calls for a list.

Things I Learned on Vancouver Island

1. It takes approximately 39 hours for Americans to add “eh” to their vocabularies.
2. Poutine (French fries with gravy and cheese curds) is a food group.
3. Residents of the Vancouver Island coast have driveways so steep you could use them to teach raccoons to climb trees.
4. The ocean can transform from surreally perfect glass to “Oh, hell! How’d I end up on Deadliest Catch?” in approximately 30 minutes.
5. The waves of an incoming tide will mesmerize you like online games and, like online games, can leave you wondering where you put the last five hours of your life.
6. Seeing a killer whale up close in the wild is worth every bit of the sandblasting rain you endure to get to it.
7. A fifteen pound halibut can win two throws out of three against a six foot woman.
8. Snorkeling in Victoria Harbor is an excellent argument for snorkeling in the Caribbean.
9. The friendly common greeting and farewell of Canadian island children is to moon arriving and departing guests as the ferry passes.
10. Canadians do not consider it friendly for ferry passengers to moon the children in return.

Overall, it was a pocket of time with my family so precious that a part of me will always live there. Click on the tab Vancouver Island 2012 above for a few of my favorite photos. And yes. It was overcast most of the time, but that didn’t bother this desert refugee one bit.

Have you ever been to The Great White North? What fun and interesting things have you learned in your travels?

I’m happy to say that HOLMES IS BACK! We will be publishing on Monday, Wednesday and Friday while we work on our spy thriller, Blood Truffles, so keep an eye out for more current events, history, and side-stitching sarcasm.

All the best to all of you for a week of beautiful moons.

Piper Bayard—The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

The End is Near (and we deserve it). . . . Bride Answers Text Message at Own Wedding

This one speaks for itself. . . .

I would have loved to have seen the groom’s reaction.

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Kristen Lamb has been busy cruising in her van, offering best selling authors candy again. This week, she abducted the awesome James Scott Bell to talk with him about his new zombie legal thriller, Pay Me In Flesh, written from the point of view of Mallory Caine, the zombie. How’s that for novel? (Pun intended.) Check it out. Pay Me In Flesh–Interview with Nationally Best-Selling Author James Scott Bell writing as K. Bennett.

Intelligent, humorous post about a dead serious topic from Ellie Ann. Why Meth Dealers are the Best Boyfriends

Donna Newton had a chat with New York Times Best Selling Author Bob Mayer, and she didn’t even have to kidnap him. Find out how insightful ten simple words can be. 30 Second Interview with . . . Bob Mayer

This one’s quite scary to me. Be sure you’re carrying your papers if you visit New York City. This tourist was jailed for two nights for being in a park after hours. Why? She had no ID with her, and the arresting officer would not allow her friend to bring it from her hotel two blocks away. It wasn’t just the arresting officer who abused her and her civil rights, but all of those who cooperated with him for two days until the judge took 60 seconds to throw it out of court. Forget Occupy Wall Street. We need to Occupy Precinct. Student Jailed 2 Nights When She Can’t Show ID

More cute, clever stuff from the Casual Gardener, Shawna Coronado. How to Make Bowling Ball Bugs for Your Garden

You’re probably as concerned as I am to find out that Harold Camping and his doomsday ministry have cancelled Judgment Day due to an apparent lack of interest in him on the part of God. Doomsday Ministry Scrubs End of World Predictions from Website

Nicole Basaraba knows how it’s done, and I’m so glad she shares her insights. Top 10 Travel Tips to Avoid Looking Like a Tourist in Europe

Roni Loren nails it with her blog about blogging and bloggers. The Life Cycle of a Blogger–Ten Stages

Tomorrow is Bank Transfer Day. Many people, angry with the bad behavior and outright malfeasance of big banks are committing to moving their money to local credit unions. I can’t recommend this enough. Local credit unions have all of the services of big banks, often cheaper, and you are bolstering your own community. These tips will make the transfer easier for you. Bank Transfer Day: A Guide to Closing your Account

As a cancer survivor, I’m pretty shameless in encouraging people to take good care of themselves. In honor of National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which was last month . . . . Yes. I’m late. . . . Check out this new Man Reminder App to remind people about simple things they can do to detect any problems. Keep in mind, men, that while women are more likely to come down with breast cancer, you are not immune.

And just so you guys don’t feel left out . . . .

From Loving the Size of My Life

What do you think? Would you marry someone who answers at the altar?

All the best to all of you for a week of appropriate texting.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

You Only Live Twice — Bayard & Holmes on Bond

United Artists released You Only Live Twice in the summer of 1967 to enthusiastic audiences around the world. The film is vaguely based on the 1964 Ian Fleming novel with the same title. Sean Connery, Lois Maxwell, and Desmond Llewelyn reprise their roles as Bond, Moneypenny, and Q, respectively, and the film was shot on location in Japan and Alaska as well as in Pinewood Studios. It was considered risky to release a summer film back in the sixties and seventies, but Bond had such an extensive fan base by that time that the risk was justified. You Only Live Twice grossed $111,000,000.

In this fifth Bond film, we finally get a good look at the sinister SPECTRE arch-creep, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, as he tries to play off the USA and the USSR against each other in a plot that revolves around the Cold War reality of the 1960s. Both the USA and the USSR and their various allies and client states took the space race very seriously, and this movie creates instant tension by tapping into that deep well of space drama.

SPECTRE hatches a plan to do mid-orbit hijackings of USA and USSR manned space vehicles with the correct assumption that each nation will blame the other, and that they will go to war and destroy each other. SPECTRE plans to pick up the pieces and rule the world.

The U.K. is convinced that the hijacked American space capsule landed in the area of Japan. Bond is “inserted” into Asia by means of an elaborate ruse, which includes his faked assassination at the beginning of the movie. Hence the title.

Bayard:

The first thing that sticks out to me about this Bond film is that it was shot in Japan. I find that significant for two reasons.

First of all, the Japanese are our allies in the film. It’s true that Japan was our ally at the time the movie was made, but that was only 22 years after the end of WWII. Until just a few years before, American movies about Japan focused on WWII, and, clearly, we were not allies. In such a short time, our previous animosities with Japan were imperceptible in this full-scale Hollywood production, and our archenemy was, of course, the USSR. I believe it’s difficult to picture what a mental leap that represented in this day and age when wars are with glorified gangs rather than with actual countries.

Remember, too, that back then, people couldn’t google Japan and see pictures of Mt. Fuji or Tokyo. Most of us had no idea what Japan looked like, and the only thing we thought we knew about Japanese culture was kamikaze pilots. Except for a few pockets in urban centers, martial arts were just beginning to find their way from close-knit dojos into mainstream America, so not many people outside of real cities knew karate, either. That gave this movie a huge exotic factor.

You Only Live Twice also reflects the changing role of women in society and in the Bond films. As in Thunderball, fully naked female silhouettes adorn the opening credits. However, in what seems a paradox to me, as the women shed clothing in the openings, their characters become stronger in the actual films. This is the first Bond film in which female agents, Aki and Kissy, are competent allies with extensive roles. Previous to this, the only competent women who lasted longer than a scene or so were the villainesses. By competent, I mean women who contribute substantially to the success of the mission and aren’t just thrown in for eye candy.

So what’s the message here? Naked women are nicer, more useful, and have better character?

We have a quintessentially Bond wardrobe scene in this movie, as well, that is reminiscent of the perfectly pressed tuxedo under the wet suit that we saw in Goldfinger. Bond apparently always wears a gray turtleneck under his Japanese peasant clothing, complete with a hood and four super-strength toilet plungers capable of holding him vertically on a wall. Just in case he should need them on his reconnoitering jaunt, you know. But, hey. That’s why we love the guy, right?

Holmes:

In this film we see that 007 finally starts paying attention to his kindergarten spy teachers. He not only shares well with others, but he remembers not to announce his presence by loudly declaring his real name in the face of his archenemy. He also doesn’t sneak into the bedroom window of the bad guy and exchange DNA with the bad guy’s wife. In fact, in this film, Bond bothers to use an alias and, eventually, a local disguise.

Way to go, James! At this rate, with a few more films, we’ll have him using his Walther PPK properly and shooting bad guys in a timely fashion instead of getting into tedious and mission-risking Judo matches.

Judo and other martial Arts are splendid fun and great exercise in the Dojo, but in the field they are the tools of desperation. It’s always best to never let an argument drag on that long. I suppose efficient killing makes for boring movies so just enjoy the lavish martial arts demonstrations in the film.

In 1967, a growing number of Americans were already practicing martial arts, but the concept had not yet been well exploited by Hollywood. In another decade, moviegoers would be tired of the seemingly endless, over-choreographed, terribly dubbed Kung Fu-lish movies filmed with cameras that were apparently stolen by some previous generation of thieves. But back then, martial arts scenes were not yet the mark of a movie in need of a plot.

I enjoyed watching the well-executed sword play. In re-watching the film, I remembered seeing it at the age of ten and insisting on returning for another viewing to see the sword play a second time.  I proudly named the sword school where the style had likely originated, pleased with myself for being so martially enlightened and just plain cool.

Donn Draeger choreographing martial arts sequences, image from sabakumartialarts.com

At that age, I dismissed the entire movie except for the sword work, and I forgot the entire plot. Now, as a mature man, I find myself doing the same thing. To hell with the useless rocket guns and the gyrocopter. I want more sword work. I had to watch the film a second time and pay attention to the script to write this review.

One of the interesting aspects of the film was the lavish volcano space launch complex. In the age prior to computer generated movie scenes, the only way to create those images was to build an elaborate set at pinewood studios, complete with a retracting roof and monorail train.

The Bond production budget had come of age. When interviewed years later, the cast, the crew, and the visitors all remembered being awed by the gigantic set. For overhead shots of the launch or helicopter traffic, a camera crew was hoisted in a box by a 150 foot crane. The crew dreaded the raising and lowering of the box so much that they elected to spend the entire day aloft rather than repeat the trip in the swinging box. Once aloft, the box was stabilized with a static tether and remained somewhat stable in cooperative weather.

Aston Martin lovers will miss Bond’s usual vehicle, but might try to enjoy him being chauffeured about by a stylish Japanese agent in a Toyota 2000GT. The Gyro Copter was a perfectly real one with cute weapons props added.

I especially enjoyed the dichotomy of the ultra futuristic space launch site in the volcano, contrasted with good guy ninjas equipped with 1915 vintage Webley pistols. Likewise, the bad guy Japanese had a highly advanced space craft, but they relied on crow bars, clubs, and junky Japanese WWII Nambu rifles. And the top assassins in the bad guy gang? They were equipped with poison and a few Thompson .45 machine guns. Firearms enthusiasts will giggle at the Thompson scenes being matched with 9mm Sten sound tracks, but those lapses make the movie more comical and, for me, more fun.

Another glaring mistake that John Glenn/Neil Armstrong fan club members will catch is in the Russian and American rocket launches. Why are there palm trees in central Russia and why are those no good sneaky Russians launching a very American looking rocket? The editors mixed up the two launch scenes.

Akiko Wakabayashi as Aki

We give this movie a .357.* If you want realistic espionage drama, go to the UN building in New York, sit in the gallery, and watch the gesticulating idiots below. That’s fairly realistic geopolitical drama down there. If you want a little farcical spook drama with decent fight scenes, grab whatever you care to drink and watch You Only Live Twice. Unlike watching the UN in session, you won’t be ill after twenty minutes.

What do you think of the evolving Bond?

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes–Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points

*Our rating system:

• Dud Chinese-manufactured ammo: Stay home and do housework. You’ll have more fun.
• .22 rim fire:  Not worth the big screen, but ok to rent.
• .380: Go to the matinée if someone else is paying.
• .38 special: Worth paying for the matinée yourself.
• .357 magnum: Okay to upgrade to prime time if you can stand the crowd.
• .44 magnum: Must see this. Life-altering event.

Victoria Has No Secrets — Bayard & Holmes Cyber Smack US Airways CEO

US Airways CEO Doug Parker has earned the honor of having his otherwise pathetic existence being mentioned on our web page. Doug’s claim to infamy is based on the fact that he collects a $2.8 million paycheck as the CEO of US Airways.

US Airways recently got some attention in the media, and like most of the attention that it has received since its merger with America West in 2005, that recent attention was negative.

Deshon Marman

On June 15, a US Airways pilot had Deshon Marman, 20, arrested because he did not pull up his pants above his boxer shorts in a timely fashion. An employee at the boarding gate in San Francisco asked Marman to pull up the baggy pajamas he was wearing because he was exposing his boxer shorts to God and everybody, none of whom cared to see them. According to his mother, who was traveling with him, Deshon’s hands were full of his luggage so he was not able to comply immediately. Instead, he boarded the plane, then pulled up his pants and sat down. As a result of his “defiance” of an order from a US Airways employee, the plane was evacuated, and he was taken away in handcuffs with the whole Reality TV treatment. Click here for more.

Possibly Deshon Marman, but we can’t tell from this angle.

We have no problem with US Airways not allowing people in sagging pajamas to fly on planes that other members of the general public are paying to share. We’re personally sick and tired of people running around in public in their pajamas and underwear, and we’re glad US Airways showed a little bit of respect for the rest of the passengers by booting this youngster from the plane. But the story doesn’t end there. . . .

We have since found out that on June 9, six days prior to that incident, a middle-aged man dressed only in scanty women’s lingerie and a see-through shrug was allowed to board a US Airways flight in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Several passengers complained about the cross-dresser’s lack of clothing, but their complaints were ignored, and the panty-clad fellow was allowed to complete his flight.

Yes, really.

We see a double standard in this. If flying in scanty women’s underwear with no pants or skirt meets US Airways’ minimum requirements for attire, why was the young football player booted for having his boxer shorts exposed? While many people are offended by the overt display of boxer shorts, more people are offended by people walking around in any public place in nothing but their underwear, regardless of whether it is gender appropriate.

From our point of view, US Airways showed a lack of respect for its passengers when it allowed the Florida cross-dresser to board the plane without sufficient clothing. Had he chosen to fly in a black evening gown, an Ann Taylor ensemble, or any clothing similar to that worn by any other passenger, male or female, we would mind our own business concerning his personal dress preferences, and we would fly on the same plane without complaining.

We suspect what occurred here was political correctness run amok. While we would not want any cross-dresser to suffer any negative discrimination simply because they choose attire from the “other” side of the department store, we also don’t think that being a cross-dresser should earn anyone any special entitlements. Shame on US Airways for such spineless discrimination against it’s non-cross-dressing passengers.

The young man traveling in baggy pajamas was smart enough to contract an attorney. We don’t know how US Airways defense team is going to explain away the comparison to the cross-dresser. At this point, it looks like a jury will have the chance to sort that out.

Normally, we wouldn’t automatically blame the CEO for what could be the conduct of a few employees who are ignoring corporate policy, but US Airways has a long and distinguished record of bad customer service. Just so you don’t think we’re being too harsh with Douggie Parker, we’d like to point out a couple of the more heinous incidents at US Airways that we can recall.

• In May, 2009, a blind man was dragged off a flight, jailed, and told he was faking his blindness. His crime? He was asking too many questions about why the flight was delayed. Click here.
• US Airways booted a man with cerebral palsy from one of its planes in October, 2010, saying the man was too disabled to fly. Never mind that the man is a professional motivational speaker who has flown thousands of miles without his disability being an issue. Click here.
• In January, 2011, they left an elderly stroke victim stranded in her wheelchair in the rain. Click here.

Since such an outstanding record of passenger abuse is evidence of a top-down problem, we are awarding US Airways CEO Doug Parker with a Cyber Smack. This prize includes weekly commutes as a normal passenger on his airline. To make his travel experience more entertaining (for the rest of us) Douggie will be required to negotiate the TSA checkpoint not once, but four times for each flight, and he will be required to fly in a wheelchair, with a mask covering his eyes. He will also be seated next to Rosie O’Donnell, who will be clothed in nothing except men’s underwear.

If Doug Parker proves to be more intrepid than we assume he is, and he actually survives a year of flying on US Airways without being killed or committing suicide, perhaps the experience will help him develop some compassion toward his passengers.

If you’ve suffered the misfortune of flying US Airways at some point in time, please share any special messages you may have for Douggie below in the comments.

Have you had any Close Encounters of the Troubling Kind with your airline carrier? Are there any airlines or airline employees you would like to give a Cyber Smack?

Piper Bayard—The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes—Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points

Trading Babies

I recently learned about a new fad called Maternity Tourism. That’s where wealthy women, primarily from China, travel to America at the end of their pregnancies to have their babies here, ensuring they are born American citizens. They fly here on legitimate travel visas, stay in boutique hotels that are set up with nurseries, have their American babies at American hospitals, and then, after their recovery period, they return home with their little Yanks. Click here for a short CNN video on the topic.

image from Dreamstime.com

Yep. Arrive pregnant. Leave with an American citizen.

So when I first heard about this, I thought, “Wait a minute! That is soooo not cool.”

American citizenship is a first class privilege, not a Plan B. Immigrants who come here to identify with American laws and ideals and to contribute to the well-being of this country with their time, talents, and loyalties are the people who keep our country young and vital in a changing world. But immigrants who come to take advantage of our bounty while maintaining their first identity and loyalty to other countries . . . those immigrants bleed us of our vitality without contributing any value that supersedes the harm they cause. Allowing people to illegally use us while simultaneously spitting on us is just mental. Maternity tourism, at first glance, fell into that latter category to me.

And then I gave it a second thought. . . . Hey, why not? It’s not like Americans don’t fly over there to bring home Chinese babies. Besides, these women are coming here legally. They are paying for the goods, services, and health care they receive, and they are abiding by the terms of their visas and going home with their babies. They are not using their babies as anchors to legitimize their illegal presence in America. We should be thanking them for being good and responsible tourists.

Not only that, but these new little Americans can serve our country in a unique mission. They can help us balance the trade deficit with China. . . . Think about it. The USA currently has a $270 billion trade deficit with China. That means we buy around $270 billion more clothes, machine parts, and unnecessary plastic objects from them than we sell to them.

Now, there are roughly 341 million family households in China, approximately one-fourth of its population. If each of these 341 million families has an American child growing up in China, those kids will eventually translate into 341 million American adults contributing to the functioning of Chinese society. In all fairness, the labor and money collected by American citizens on Chinese soil should apply toward balancing that trade deficit.

Our US government needs to start negotiations now to ensure that our American-Chinese citizens will receive an American standard of fair labor treatment, and at least an American federal minimum wage for their services. Consider that the children of China, for all practical purposes, can begin to work and contribute to society’s functioning as early as 3 years of age. I’m not making this up. Check Google Images with the search “Chinese Child Labor.”

But we’ll be charitable and round that up to a generous 10 years, since these are American citizens we’re talking about.

Now, let’s put this all together. If 341 million American-Chinese children begin earning $7.25 per hour, forty hours per week, 50 weeks per year, in just 10 years they will be worth, collectively, $4.945 trillion annually to the nation of China. Look at our trade deficit now! Who knows? Perhaps we will earn China’s Most Favored Nation Status.

Considering the benefit to our country from having 341 million American-Chinese children reversing the trade deficit back in our favor, we should not discourage these clever tourists from purchasing the benefits of our establishment. In fact, we should actively encourage them, and even thank them. Personally, I think these new mothers should receive a complimentary mani/pedi upon arrival in the USA—something every pregnant woman enjoys—and a baby gift in the form of a child’s pet to take home with them at their departure. . . . A pregnant Imperial Dwarf Deer.

Imperial Dwarf Deer (formerly known as a muskrat), image from Alan D. Wilson, www.naturespicsonline.com

What do you think of Maternity Tourism? Do you think it’s ok since these women are following our laws? Or do you think our laws should be changed? How would you change those laws? And what other appropriate baby gifts can you think of to give these folks?

All the best to all of you for finding the silver lining.

Piper Bayard—The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Is Profiling Logical?

I’m an author/belly dancer, and Holmes, my spy novel writing partner, is a man with experience in intelligence and covert operations. A particular conversation that took place with Janet Napolitano, Janet Reno’s calorically-enhanced twin, caught our attention this week.

Janet Napolitano

At a forum on U.S. security and preventing terrorist attacks, a gentlemen pointed out that the vast majority of terrorists since 9/11 have been Muslim men under the age of 35; therefore, it might simply be logic, and not profiling, to “discover” that Muslim men under the age of 35 are more likely to comprise the current population of terrorists. Our U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security said there was no logic in that at all.

Do you think profiling Middle Eastern men under the age of 35 to prevent terrorism is logical? We’d love to hear your opinions on this.

All the best to all of you for a week of logic.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes–Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points

Special Edition Libya: Missiles and Missives

By Holmes

As the White House’s “days not weeks” line has evolved to “don’t worry, just a few months,” the missile and aircraft attacks have degraded Gadhafi’s goon squad enough to allow the Benghazi-based rebels to push west to Bin Jawad on the coastal road to Sirte. Gadhafi has traditionally taken good care of the tribal alliances of the Sirte area so the rebels might find the going a bit rougher in Sirte and on to Tripoli.

Rebels on the road to Sirte

A tactical analysis of the available forces, their assets, the geography, and the leadership in the theater of operations would be a fun exercise, but likely doesn’t matter much as long as the NATO forces continue their “if it moves and belongs to Gadhafi kill it” policy. At this point, the most critical tactics will not be employed on the coastal road to Tripoli or in the air above Libya and the Gulf of Sidra.

The most critical battles that need to be decided now are of a diplomatic nature, and they will not be won or lost with another shipload of bargain basement, Chinese made AK-47′s. Rumors are floating through the political sewers of Washington, London, Paris, and Rome that an escape is being proposed to Gadhafi. Western leaders have opted for the “sources high up in the administration” unofficial leak method of announcing efforts to arrange for Momo’s departure (live departure) from Libya.

The toughest thing about playing travel agent for uncle Momo is the fact that he has so many enemies in so many places. The second toughest aspect of planning his vacation is the fact that the few “friends” that would take him are themselves in no position to guarantee their own future let alone Gadhafi’s.

Gadhafi’s travel agent on phone with fifth despot today

If Momo leaves, he has to go to a country that is willing and accustomed to ignoring the International Court of Justice. Joseph Mugabe and a few other lower budget despots would likely be willing to take Gadhafi if he brings some of his loot with him, or if the West is willing to pay them off in some other creative fashion. The creativity will not require any effort on our part because all despots have favors that they need or would like this week. They will all be quick to turn over their Christmas Wish List to us, in fact, and the poor diplomat that visits prospectively will have his ear filled with demands .

While the Italians are so far rumored to be the negotiators, my guess is that they will handle no more than the communications with Momo. It will take the US, France, and the UK to make a plausible deal with a “host country.”

Getting Momo gone is the obvious best alternative to grinding out a battle to take Tripoli while magically avoiding massive civilian casualties. The less obvious and far trickier part of the equation is encouraging a transition of power that will not threaten Western nations.

Regardless of public promises made and political careers incinerated, it would be hard to imagine Egypt and the Western nations tolerating a “Tehran West” situation in Tripoli. Some of the supposed leaders of the rebellion have presented a believable facade to the West, but there are clearly some Al Qaeda affiliates involved in the dance.

The best way to avoid a long military commitment in Libya is to invest heavily in helping to create an alternative to Momo that Egypt and the West can live with. It may require some work and a little leadership, but it’s doable. The supporters of the “Islamic Radical Domino Theory” tell us that radical Islamic terrorist states must, by force of nature, replace any government that falls in the mid-east and North Africa. This theory fails to take into account the diversity of cultural and political forces at play in Libya. The Tehran West scenario is avoidable.

The Romance Doctors: Bayard & Holmes, Feb. 23

For the month of February, my writing partner, Holmes, and I have been answering your love and romance questions.  I’m a pragmatic author/belly dancer who tries to reach a win/win result every time, and Holmes is a man with experience in intelligence and covert operations who thinks 90% of life’s problems can be solved with sex, C4, or hollow points. We’ve received questions ranging from the serious to the funny and fictional, and we love them all. As always, we’ll start out with the serious question.

Chaz asks us, “Is marriage doomed?  With over 50% ending in failure, where do we suppose this is all going?  Have the divorce, remarriage, and blended-family snowballs gathered so much speed that they will continue to grow until finally crashing at the bottom of the hill?  I think we as a society have become completely unrealistic about marriage. . . . So where do you see marriage going?

Bayard

Currently, the law favors marriage in such things as in property rights, inheritance, and health insurance. That’s because marriage is important to a society’s stability. Married people tend to buy houses and invest in their education and career development, as well as education for their children. All of that is disrupted when people divorce, often plunging women, particularly single mothers, into poverty, along with their children. Divorce also destabilizes individuals. Commitment is a learned behavior. Children of divorce, regardless of their age, often develop the core belief that committment doesn’t mean you stick it out through the bad years, and everyone has bad years. It only means you try up to a threshold of inconvenience. I qualify that statement with the acknowledgement that marriages are reasonably lost to mental illness, domestic violence, substance abuse, and other heinous behavior, but the majority of marriages I’ve personally seen dissolve failed due to lack of commitment on the part of one or both of the parties involved. If the financial and emotional instability of divorce becomes too worrisome to society, I believe there will be more legal incentives to marry and stay married. It’s also possible divorce laws will go retro, and divorce will become a more difficult process in order to encourage people to try to work things out.

Holmes

I see my marriage carrying on. I checked with my wife. She agrees. Statistics don’t have their own momentum. I can’t predict the future on marriage. I know I’m not an expert on the sociology of marriage so all I can do is give you my personal opinion. I don’t think the divorce rate will increase much.

Terrell Mims shared his romantic success with us. . . .

“This is a praise report and a question. I found my slender 20-something brunette. I first started seeing her every night through my telescope. She liked me. She stripped for me every night before she went to bed. She didn’t know I was looking though. We talked all the time on Facebook while I used an alias–sorry, Holmes.

“Well, she agreed to come over to my house for dinner and guess what! She’s moved in…hold on. There’s some noise in my basement. I think she needs to eat lunch or go to the bathroom.

“So guys, is this love?”

Bayard

I’m so happy that you’ve found someone, Mr. Mims! In fact, I’m so happy that I want to share the joy. I have some friends who’ll be dropping by your place any minute to meet the happy couple. Don’t let their uniforms put you off. It’s just what they wear for their social work. And they are always happy to take time out of their busy week to meet lovebirds like you and your brunette. Be sure to show my friends the door to the basement where your lady lives. For a substantial retainer (I am a recovering attorney, after all), you’re welcome to call me after their visit and tell me how that all works out for you.

Holmes

Terrell this doesn’t sound like a relationship that will work too well. In fact, you’d better have your lawyer handle her removal from your basement. Put the telescope away, and start getting out and meeting people. You can still come home and look at pictures of naked girls before you go to bed at night until you meet a real one, but it really is time for you to stay out of the basement and start meeting girls in the flesh. Remember to smile a lot. It doesn’t matter how well you do. There are billions of girls waiting to be met. You need to get out and work the numbers.

I think it it’s time for you to start considering the consequences of your strategies. As a cautionary tale, please watch Eating Raoul. It’s a great tale about what can happen when people aren’t quite careful enough with their actions, and between sessions with those magazines it will provide you with a little humor and the chance to rest that ailing wrist.

Samuel Clemons came to us with the following:

“does my masseuse, if i am scheduled for three sessions a week constitute ‘dating’? i think the consistency issue here is important. …lately she’s been switching up our schedule, she gives me lames excuses like she’s in college, or has finals, which i don’t really mind so much, but it kinda get’s my inner clock messed up: do i go ahead and take a trip to the amazon while i wait? should i put on a pot o tea?. . . she’s been making it up to me by switching from the hot maid’s outfit to the hot nurse outfit, sometimes interspersing those with the hot cop outfit . . . .now here i’ve digressed. . . . my therapist keeps telling me not to let my mind wander. that’s pretty hard to do, you should see my ‘date.’. . . she’s so hot. . . .”

Bayard

Well, Sam. Generally time spent with a masseuse is not considered dating, but if she’s wearing hot outfits as part of her service . . . well, I’d say it’s either a date or an illegal transaction. (I’m assuming you pay her for her services.) We can’t have your inner clock getting messed up, though, because ferrets do need their regular massaging. Perhaps when she’s busy, she could recommend a friend who has a Catholic school girl outfit who could help you out. As for the Amazon, just be careful. It’s true some of those indigenous tribes may think a fashionable, dancing ferret is a deity, but they also might think you’d be a great sacrifice to some other deity and roast you. I recommend Belize for a lovely, relaxing trip with no worries of being either worshipped or eaten.

Holmes

If you’re at the point in the relationship where she’s putting on hot maid’s outfits and hot nurse outfits, you probably don’t need my advice. Be direct but gentle about the scheduling issue. If you can gain no ground there, you’ll just have to decide if that’s a deal breaker for you. If you end up taking a long trip as a result of her scheduling issues, I highly recommend Spain or Italy over the Amazon. The Amazonian women are perhaps not what you have been led to believe. If you drive through France going from Spain to Italy, don’t talk to the girls. As to the tea, that likely would only be useful for dating purposes in Ireland or England. As it turns out you’re done with the gal in the maid’s outfit, please introduce her to Terrell. His situation is becoming somewhat worrisome.

Holmes and I appreciate your enthusiasm and questions. Are there other areas of life where you’d like the input of a spook and a bellydancer?

All the best to all of you for a week of not getting locked in a basement.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes–Student of sex, C4, and hollow points