For the month of February, my writing partner, Holmes, and I have been answering your love and romance questions. I’m a pragmatic author/belly dancer who tries to reach a win/win result every time, and Holmes is a man with experience in intelligence and covert operations who thinks 90% of life’s problems can be solved with sex, C4, or hollow points. We’ve received questions ranging from the serious to the funny and fictional, and we love them all. As always, we’ll start out with the serious question.
Chaz asks us, “Is marriage doomed? With over 50% ending in failure, where do we suppose this is all going? Have the divorce, remarriage, and blended-family snowballs gathered so much speed that they will continue to grow until finally crashing at the bottom of the hill? I think we as a society have become completely unrealistic about marriage. . . . So where do you see marriage going?
Bayard
Currently, the law favors marriage in such things as in property rights, inheritance, and health insurance. That’s because marriage is important to a society’s stability. Married people tend to buy houses and invest in their education and career development, as well as education for their children. All of that is disrupted when people divorce, often plunging women, particularly single mothers, into poverty, along with their children. Divorce also destabilizes individuals. Commitment is a learned behavior. Children of divorce, regardless of their age, often develop the core belief that committment doesn’t mean you stick it out through the bad years, and everyone has bad years. It only means you try up to a threshold of inconvenience. I qualify that statement with the acknowledgement that marriages are reasonably lost to mental illness, domestic violence, substance abuse, and other heinous behavior, but the majority of marriages I’ve personally seen dissolve failed due to lack of commitment on the part of one or both of the parties involved. If the financial and emotional instability of divorce becomes too worrisome to society, I believe there will be more legal incentives to marry and stay married. It’s also possible divorce laws will go retro, and divorce will become a more difficult process in order to encourage people to try to work things out.
Holmes
I see my marriage carrying on. I checked with my wife. She agrees. Statistics don’t have their own momentum. I can’t predict the future on marriage. I know I’m not an expert on the sociology of marriage so all I can do is give you my personal opinion. I don’t think the divorce rate will increase much.
Terrell Mims shared his romantic success with us. . . .
“This is a praise report and a question. I found my slender 20-something brunette. I first started seeing her every night through my telescope. She liked me. She stripped for me every night before she went to bed. She didn’t know I was looking though. We talked all the time on Facebook while I used an alias–sorry, Holmes.
“Well, she agreed to come over to my house for dinner and guess what! She’s moved in…hold on. There’s some noise in my basement. I think she needs to eat lunch or go to the bathroom.
“So guys, is this love?”
Bayard
I’m so happy that you’ve found someone, Mr. Mims! In fact, I’m so happy that I want to share the joy. I have some friends who’ll be dropping by your place any minute to meet the happy couple. Don’t let their uniforms put you off. It’s just what they wear for their social work. And they are always happy to take time out of their busy week to meet lovebirds like you and your brunette. Be sure to show my friends the door to the basement where your lady lives. For a substantial retainer (I am a recovering attorney, after all), you’re welcome to call me after their visit and tell me how that all works out for you.
Holmes
Terrell this doesn’t sound like a relationship that will work too well. In fact, you’d better have your lawyer handle her removal from your basement. Put the telescope away, and start getting out and meeting people. You can still come home and look at pictures of naked girls before you go to bed at night until you meet a real one, but it really is time for you to stay out of the basement and start meeting girls in the flesh. Remember to smile a lot. It doesn’t matter how well you do. There are billions of girls waiting to be met. You need to get out and work the numbers.
I think it it’s time for you to start considering the consequences of your strategies. As a cautionary tale, please watch Eating Raoul. It’s a great tale about what can happen when people aren’t quite careful enough with their actions, and between sessions with those magazines it will provide you with a little humor and the chance to rest that ailing wrist.
Samuel Clemons came to us with the following:
“does my masseuse, if i am scheduled for three sessions a week constitute ‘dating’? i think the consistency issue here is important. …lately she’s been switching up our schedule, she gives me lames excuses like she’s in college, or has finals, which i don’t really mind so much, but it kinda get’s my inner clock messed up: do i go ahead and take a trip to the amazon while i wait? should i put on a pot o tea?. . . she’s been making it up to me by switching from the hot maid’s outfit to the hot nurse outfit, sometimes interspersing those with the hot cop outfit . . . .now here i’ve digressed. . . . my therapist keeps telling me not to let my mind wander. that’s pretty hard to do, you should see my ‘date.’. . . she’s so hot. . . .”
Bayard
Well, Sam. Generally time spent with a masseuse is not considered dating, but if she’s wearing hot outfits as part of her service . . . well, I’d say it’s either a date or an illegal transaction. (I’m assuming you pay her for her services.) We can’t have your inner clock getting messed up, though, because ferrets do need their regular massaging. Perhaps when she’s busy, she could recommend a friend who has a Catholic school girl outfit who could help you out. As for the Amazon, just be careful. It’s true some of those indigenous tribes may think a fashionable, dancing ferret is a deity, but they also might think you’d be a great sacrifice to some other deity and roast you. I recommend Belize for a lovely, relaxing trip with no worries of being either worshipped or eaten.
Holmes
If you’re at the point in the relationship where she’s putting on hot maid’s outfits and hot nurse outfits, you probably don’t need my advice. Be direct but gentle about the scheduling issue. If you can gain no ground there, you’ll just have to decide if that’s a deal breaker for you. If you end up taking a long trip as a result of her scheduling issues, I highly recommend Spain or Italy over the Amazon. The Amazonian women are perhaps not what you have been led to believe. If you drive through France going from Spain to Italy, don’t talk to the girls. As to the tea, that likely would only be useful for dating purposes in Ireland or England. As it turns out you’re done with the gal in the maid’s outfit, please introduce her to Terrell. His situation is becoming somewhat worrisome.
Holmes and I appreciate your enthusiasm and questions. Are there other areas of life where you’d like the input of a spook and a bellydancer?
All the best to all of you for a week of not getting locked in a basement.
Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse
Holmes–Student of sex, C4, and hollow points
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She dances in the Boulder/Denver area, and you can find her at her website, 
