Trading Babies

I recently learned about a new fad called Maternity Tourism. That’s where wealthy women, primarily from China, travel to America at the end of their pregnancies to have their babies here, ensuring they are born American citizens. They fly here on legitimate travel visas, stay in boutique hotels that are set up with nurseries, have their American babies at American hospitals, and then, after their recovery period, they return home with their little Yanks. Click here for a short CNN video on the topic.

image from Dreamstime.com

Yep. Arrive pregnant. Leave with an American citizen.

So when I first heard about this, I thought, “Wait a minute! That is soooo not cool.”

American citizenship is a first class privilege, not a Plan B. Immigrants who come here to identify with American laws and ideals and to contribute to the well-being of this country with their time, talents, and loyalties are the people who keep our country young and vital in a changing world. But immigrants who come to take advantage of our bounty while maintaining their first identity and loyalty to other countries . . . those immigrants bleed us of our vitality without contributing any value that supersedes the harm they cause. Allowing people to illegally use us while simultaneously spitting on us is just mental. Maternity tourism, at first glance, fell into that latter category to me.

And then I gave it a second thought. . . . Hey, why not? It’s not like Americans don’t fly over there to bring home Chinese babies. Besides, these women are coming here legally. They are paying for the goods, services, and health care they receive, and they are abiding by the terms of their visas and going home with their babies. They are not using their babies as anchors to legitimize their illegal presence in America. We should be thanking them for being good and responsible tourists.

Not only that, but these new little Americans can serve our country in a unique mission. They can help us balance the trade deficit with China. . . . Think about it. The USA currently has a $270 billion trade deficit with China. That means we buy around $270 billion more clothes, machine parts, and unnecessary plastic objects from them than we sell to them.

Now, there are roughly 341 million family households in China, approximately one-fourth of its population. If each of these 341 million families has an American child growing up in China, those kids will eventually translate into 341 million American adults contributing to the functioning of Chinese society. In all fairness, the labor and money collected by American citizens on Chinese soil should apply toward balancing that trade deficit.

Our US government needs to start negotiations now to ensure that our American-Chinese citizens will receive an American standard of fair labor treatment, and at least an American federal minimum wage for their services. Consider that the children of China, for all practical purposes, can begin to work and contribute to society’s functioning as early as 3 years of age. I’m not making this up. Check Google Images with the search “Chinese Child Labor.”

But we’ll be charitable and round that up to a generous 10 years, since these are American citizens we’re talking about.

Now, let’s put this all together. If 341 million American-Chinese children begin earning $7.25 per hour, forty hours per week, 50 weeks per year, in just 10 years they will be worth, collectively, $4.945 trillion annually to the nation of China. Look at our trade deficit now! Who knows? Perhaps we will earn China’s Most Favored Nation Status.

Considering the benefit to our country from having 341 million American-Chinese children reversing the trade deficit back in our favor, we should not discourage these clever tourists from purchasing the benefits of our establishment. In fact, we should actively encourage them, and even thank them. Personally, I think these new mothers should receive a complimentary mani/pedi upon arrival in the USA—something every pregnant woman enjoys—and a baby gift in the form of a child’s pet to take home with them at their departure. . . . A pregnant Imperial Dwarf Deer.

Imperial Dwarf Deer (formerly known as a muskrat), image from Alan D. Wilson, www.naturespicsonline.com

What do you think of Maternity Tourism? Do you think it’s ok since these women are following our laws? Or do you think our laws should be changed? How would you change those laws? And what other appropriate baby gifts can you think of to give these folks?

All the best to all of you for finding the silver lining.

Piper Bayard—The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

The Romance Doctors — Bayard & Holmes, Feb. 2

Last week, my writing partner, Holmes, and I invited you to send your love and romance questions through the month of February.  I’m a pragmatic author/belly dancer who tries to reach a win/win result every time, and Holmes is a man with experience in intelligence and covert operations who thinks 90% of life’s problems can be solved with sex, C4, or hollow points. We got some interesting questions that ranged from serious to funny and fictional. Here’s what’s on your mind this week. . . .

Elizabeth asks. . . .

Dear Romance Doctors,

My mother has just started dating again, and I’m trying not to be wierded out by the fact that she’s better at it than I am. She is in the middle of a second date that is well into the 50 hour mark, and it takes me months to get that far. I’d like to be happy for her, but mostly I’m cranky that she’s more popular than I am. I’m at the age where I should be the MILF! Why I can’t I be the hot mom? Just because I’ve never had the chance to procreate….

Bayard

Well, Elizabeth, as I tell my students, seducing a man is almost as difficult as watching ice melt, but not quite, so it really is not an accomplishment. Forming a lasting, intimate relationship is what’s an accomplishment. That looks different for everyone so comparing yourself and your dating style to your mother and hers could leave you with some false conclusions about yourself.

Two things come to mind as I read your question.

1)    It sounds like you are defining yourself by comparisons to your mother. I know our mothers have great influence over us as children, but you are in charge of you now. You get to decide what’s right for you. The only relevant comparison, ever, is the comparison between who you are and who you’d like to be. If you don’t like who you are, you have the power to change that, and your mother is no part of the equation.

2)    You have lots of reasons to be a bit wierded out, and none of them have to do with the way you choose to interact with men. It’s scarey when our parents start dating, no matter what our age. What are they going to bring home? What will they expect of me? Where will I fit into their lives? Will this stranger boot me out of my own family? The first thing a new male lion does is kill the pre-existing cubs, and, sadly, “steps” often see the children as competition and do the family dynamic equivalent. Even sadder is the fact that many parents are willing to toss their kids out the window to please the newcomer. It doesn’t matter how old we are. These are legitimate concerns that affect our lives and are beyond our control, and that’s always uncomfortable.

If you want to meet appropriate, eligible men, go where the men are. For example, take a martial arts class. Many sweet, upstanding, eligible bachelors populate dojos of every flavor. I met my husband at one, and I know of many successful dojo marriages. For what it’s worth, we went so slowly that I didn’t even call him my boyfriend for the first 8 months. Date at your own pace, and don’t let anyone but that wise voice inside you tell you what that is. Listening to your wise voice is always win/win.

Holmes

Elizabeth, your question sounds perfectly reasonable to me, and without more than this post, I am sensing that you are a very capable and intelligent person. I think I have lots of good news for you. Of course, I’m just guessing from this distance, but all my guesses are pretty positive. As for your mom, she’s not better at “it” than you are. She’s better at being her than you are. The great news is there is no need for you to be her. How she dates is probably great for her. You’re free to date any way you choose to, at any speed you choose to, and that only needs to be ok for you. Don’t worry about your mom getting the dates. There are over 7 billion people on the planet. She got one. There are plenty left for you.

Why can’t you be the hot mom? Because you haven’t decided to yet. You’re obviously cerebral. Decide what you want, and then go get it. I suggest that you try to become friends with Piper because she’s one of those people that most people trust for advice on questions like “how do I be that girl?” You already are that girl, you just need to learn to enjoy it a little.

Our next question is from Ms. Newton, and she does sound like she is in dire straits. . . .

Dear Romance Doctors,

I am a 27-year-old girl who has just kissed her first ever boyfriend. It was horrible. He just stuck his tongue in my mouth like you would do a poker into a fireplace. I know I was doing right, as my friends had given me a quick lesson in the toilets 10 minutes before. What shall I do? Dump him? Put up with it?…..He does have a really nice yacht. Many thanks, and if you could be quick with your answer, I would be really happy. Jenny Ballbreaker has her eye on him.

Bayard

I can certainly understand your dilemma. Is a yacht worth putting up with a bad kisser? Hmm. The way I see it, you have three choices here.

1)    Let Jenny Ballbreaker have him and move on. They say you have to meet 500 men before you know what you really want, anyway, and you’re running way behind. I mean, maybe a mountain chalet would be more appealing than a yacht? You don’t have enough data to make an informed decision, yet, so one option is to get busy kissing the rest of the male population.

2)    Pick up The Art of Kissing by William Cane and tell your boyfriend that, since you’re new at kissing, you want to try everything in it. Don’t tell him his kissing sucks. Men have fragile egos. That would endanger any future you might have with his yacht.

3)    Since he’s the first boy you kissed, I can only assume you were practicing in the toilets with your women friends. Invite him to watch you with your women friends and hope he’ll pick up a few ideas. You might even hit him over the head with a rock, so to speak, by complimenting your friends on their techniques. “Oh Betty, I just love it when you do *fill in the blank* with your tongue.”

Whether you leave him or teach him to kiss, it’s win/win for you.

Holmes:  First kiss at 27? Hmm. All right. You’ve got some work to do here. You’ll first have to ask yourself about the difference between a kiss and a yacht. The yacht only matters if you intend on sticking around long-term, and it won’t have much impact on short-term dating. If you’re going to ask him about kissing practice, try to feed his ego at the same time. Tell him you like the idea of kissing with him, and you would like to try doing it different ways. That opens the door to a remedial kissing session without anyone being criticized.

I’m not sure which friends you were kissing in the toilet, but I strongly recommend against any kissing activity in public bathrooms. I can barely tolerate urinating in one, and I assure you that there are better places to kiss. Perhaps the yacht.

As for Jenny Ballbreaker, casually mention that you’re good friends with Jenny, and that you’re worried about her struggle with venereal diseases. You know the stress caused by her violent, delinquent son isn’t helping her health any, either. Tell him that you’re also worried about the fact that her brother is up for parole again, and you hope he doesn’t move in with her this time. Make sure you have a convincing look of compassion and concern on your face during this part of the conversation.

Our sincere thanks to all of you who wrote in with your questions, whether serious, fictional, or just plain funny. We love them all! We send answers to you personally via email within the week, and we will publish all answers during the month of February.  So let us know what’s on your mind during this month of romance. What are your questions for The Romance Doctors?

All the best to all of you for avoiding a Bag of Trouble.

Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse

Holmes–Student of sex, C4, and hollow points