Which Despotic Dictator are You?

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

Psychological tests have inundated social media lately, giving people the opportunity to find out everything about themselves from which Lord of the Rings character they are to which weapon they most resemble. However, in all of this, no one has asked the genuinely important question–the one that matters more than all of the rest . . .

Which Despotic Dictator Are You?

Have you ever read the headlines and wondered which world-manipulating, power-hungry psychopath you most resemble? Then this test is for you! We here at Bayard & Holmes consulted our team of psycho/social experts (us) to develop a short quiz that will help you determine the answer to that most pressing of questions . . .

Canstock 2014 Despotic dictator

You see a pretty young woman on the beach. What do you do?

  1. Take your shirt off and hand her a picture of yourself practicing judo. When she doesn’t respond, you accuse her of being a warmonger and invade her country.
  2. Charge her with prostitution and feed her to dogs.
  3. Drool at her from your wheelchair while your assistant accuses her of being a white supremacist.
  4. Kidnap her, try her for indecent exposure, and have her publicly stoned to death.
  5. Send your aid over to arrange a liaison. After she rejects you, introduce legislation limiting the size of women’s breasts.
  6. Start a conversation with her about what a beautiful day it is and ask her if she would like to get a cup of coffee.

You hear an annoying barking dog. What do you do?

  1. Have photographers film you as you hunt down the poodle with an AK 47 and then have a photo taken of you posing in a Poodle trophy coat.
  2. Send your chef over to collect it for dinner.
  3. Turn your hearing aid off and go back to sleep while accusing the dog of being a white supremacist.
  4. Send your guard with an invitation for a romantic candlelight dinner for two. When the dog declines, you have it arrested and publicly stoned to death.
  5. Your own annoying voice drowns out the sound of the dog.
  6. You bring your dog inside.

You have an afternoon to get away from it all. What do you do?

  1. Quickly remove your shirt and arrange a photo shoot while grumbling about warmongering Ukrainians.
  2. Celebrate the 114 gold medals you personally received for your participation in the Sochi Winter Olympics.
  3. Keep napping. When awakened by bad dreams, scream about white supremacists.
  4. Smoke hash and drink some more black market American whiskey and fantasize about the woman you saw in the bikini.
  5. Write a speech about the legislation you are drafting to limit breast size.
  6. Read a Bayard & Holmes book.

You are going to watch any movie or TV show that you want. Which one is it?

  1. Star Wars. You put on your Darth Vader helmet and practice saying, “Ukraine, I am your father.”
  2. My Little Pony. You watch fifteen reruns and then declare rainbow colored ponies to be the new national animal.
  3. It doesn’t matter. You’re going to sleep through it anyway and dream about killing white supremacists.
  4. Lawrence of Arabia. For the 58th time. Somehow, you’re still shocked, surprised, and angered that Lawrence somehow escapes with his life at the end.
  5. Godzilla. When it’s over, you write a speech asking the U.N. to outlaw all Japanese monsters.
  6. You sit down with your family and watch your Disneyland vacation video.

What is your fantasy vacation?

  1. Winning the Kentucky Derby while riding shirtless on the back of a bear.
  2. Spending a week in South Korea.
  3. Taking a long nap anywhere but Zimbabwe.
  4. Enjoying two weeks in a brothel in Tel Aviv that caters to clientele with special needs.
  5. Staying a week in Windsor castle while the royal family is away and trying on all their clothes and tiaras.
  6. A family trip to Belize.

 If you scored . . .

5 – 7   You are Vladimir Putin.

 

Russian President Vladimir Putin image by www.kremlin.ru

Russian President Vladimir Putin
image by http://www.kremlin.ru

You are unashamedly aggressive and love to be in the limelight. You are never as sensitive as you appear to be in photos. You can change your religion, your wife, or your politics in a heartbeat if it suits your ambitions. Put your shirt back on.

 

8 – 11  You are Kim Jong Un.

 

 

You are misunderstood. People accuse you of being paranoid, but it’s not actually paranoia because everyone really does wish you would drop dead. You have plenty of power, but no skill to achieve anything with it. Find a new barbor.

 

12 – 16   You are Robert Mugabe.

You have become a peaceful person in your old age, but that’s because you can’t stay awake long enough to sustain an argument. Please do Zimbabwe a favor and go back to sleep. Don’t wake up.

 

17 – 21  You are the Iranian Mullah of the Month.

You suffer from Reality Deficit Disorder. You think you are educated, but that is just the hash talking. Everyone who knows you wants to keep you happy, but only so you won’t torture them and their families. Put down your AK47 and step away from the chickens.

 

22 – 26  You are New York Mayor Bloomberg.

 

Image by Midtown Comics, altered by Nightscream, wikimedia commons, public domain

Image by Midtown Comics, altered by Nightscream,
wikimedia commons, public domain

 

You are the first percentile, but only in finances. Some of your ideas are impressive, but only when we compare them to the rhetoric of Hugo Chavez. You’ll get our soft drinks when you tear them from our cold, dead hands.

 

27 – 30  Give it up. You’re not cut out for this profession.

The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Bride Ties Baby to Wedding Dress

By Piper Bayard

Meme Bride ties baby to wedding dress

Woman Ties Baby to Wedding Dress,

Drags Her Down Aisle

As a mother who sat her kids in a roasting pan and pulled them around the living room, I can’t honestly think this was anything but a good time for a baby. She appears to be secure and not getting any rug burns. But one question does come to mind . . . Was she the something “new” or the something “borrowed”?

Big thanks to historical mystery author K.B. Owen for pointing me to this gem.

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Peace Day and the Fallen Project. A group in Normandy remembers D-Day with a beautiful tribute. They draw 9,000 figures in the sand on the beach to represent the 9,000 that died during the Allied Invasion of Nazi-Occupied France.

Via Professional Organizer Judith Houlding of Space Editing, What’s Lost as Handwriting Fades. It’s long been my contention that we no longer need Code Talkers. At this point, we can convey messages in the ancient style of cursive writing, and even the NSA won’t be able to figure them out.

A courageous post and fantastic comments discussion from Jamie Gold. The Danger of Political Correctness for Diverse Books

Canstock 2014 Ginger child

And speaking of diversity . . .  Ginger Problems that Normal People Don’t Understand.

Via Angela Ackerman, co-author of the outstanding Emotion Thesaurus Series, 22 Pictures Where I Have Absolutely No Idea What’s Going On.

None of us does it alone. Elizabeth Fais asks, Who’s Your Yoda?

Via the awesome photographer Penelope Beveridge, Water Photography Competition Winning Images are Revealed.

As the temperatures rise, I think most of us can relate to this playful horse.

Campaign Style Poll of the Week

All the best to all of you for a week of creative play with children.

Flat Spooky — Lovesick for NYT Bestseller Allison Brennan

By Piper Bayard

Flat Spooky is a wannabe spook whose mother was a Russian Honey Trap and father was an extra in The Bourne Legacy.  He came home with me from his birthplace in the back seat of a Ford Focus in San Francisco to be my Spook Consultant when Holmes is tied up with his other work.

FS SF driving across Bay Bridge into city 5-3-14

Flat Spooky driving across the Bay Bridge into San Francisco from his birthplace on Treasure Island.

Once he got to our house, he immediately began practicing his stealth techniques on our dog, Parker. Parker was not amused. In fact, he ran out of the room before I could get a picture.

When Flat Spooky disappeared the other day, I finally located him curled up on the couch with his new best friend, Grumpy Cat, and one of his true love Allison Brennan’s books.

Flat Spooky with best friend Grumpy Cat and Allison Brennan's book, STOLEN.

Flat Spooky with best friend Grumpy Cat and Allison Brennan’s book, STOLEN.

 

He was incredibly excited when I found him. . . .

Spooky:  “Look! She has a plain dot at the end of almost every sentence. She’s thinking of me!”

Me:  “That’s called punctuation. It’s in every book.”

Spooky:  “But it’s in HER book!”

 

Dead Heat by Allison Brennan

In an attempt to explain, we took a “look inside” at Allison’s new Lucy Kincaid novel, DEAD HEAT. It didn’t help. He was only more convinced of her adoration.

It was clear he needed to get out more. So I took him on a hike in the mountains to practice his forest stealth technique should he ever be called on to hunt down the Taliban or kidnapped adventure tourists who waste our military’s time and resources on a fairly regular basis by doing things that their mothers and common sense warned them not to do.

Flat Spooky hiding in a cactus.

Flat Spooky hiding in a cactus.

 

 

The first thing he did was run ahead on the trail and hide in this cactus to try and see if I would spot him. It wasn’t the best choice, as he quickly discovered that getting into cactus is much easier than getting out of cactus.

Spooky:  “Will Allison still want me with all of these cactus prickles?”

Me:  “She didn’t want you before.”

Spooky:  “She does want me! You saw all of the dots. You can’t deny it!”

 

Flat Spooky spying on the trail below.

Flat Spooky spying on the trail below.

 

His next move was to hide in a tree to spy on the trail below us in his hopes that Allison would walk by.

Me:  “She doesn’t live in this state.”

Spooky:  “She travels.”

 

Flat Spooky discovers wind limitations.

Flat Spooky vs. Wind

 

Then a wind kicked up. I took him home and put him to bed. A few hours later, I checked on him and discovered he had comforted himself with a bag of chocolates . . . My chocolates.

 

Flat Spooky raids Piper's stash.

Flat Spooky raids Piper’s stash.

 

He is now in the dog house eagerly awaiting the arrival of DEAD HEAT. Parker is not amused.

How do you suggest I deal with this little guy’s crush on Allison Brennan?

Summer Camp Cheerful–Attitude Adjustment for Adults

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Inspired by the HAMAS and UN summer camps in Gaza, we are asking, “Why should Palestinians have all the fun? For that matter, why should kids have all the fun?”

Summer should be a time for fun and relaxation for everyone, but we all know people who do their best to prevent any fun or relaxation from occurring. Camp Cheerful is the answer.

image by U.S. Navy

image by U.S. Navy

Situated in a Caribbean location of incomparable beauty and perfect climatic ambiance at the eastern tip of Cuba, with swimming and diving opportunities in Guantanamo Bay, Camp Cheerful is the perfect getaway for those fun-challenged individuals in your life.

So stop for a moment and think. Who has taken a head start on ruining your summer? Is it a hard-drinking relative? A thoughtless, annoying neighbor with three barking dogs? Perhaps there’s someone in your professional life who doesn’t even wait until summer to spread the agony of her own miserable existence, insisting on sharing the “joy” with everyone around her. Camp Cheerful is just the place to send them to ensure happiness this summer–for you.

All campers will be cheerfully greeted by our Certified Happiness Specialists. We’ve recruited some of the finest soldiers and marines with experience in great vacation resorts like Afghanistan, Iraq, Somalia, the Balkans, and East Los Angeles. These healthy and enthusiastic men and women are well prepared to assist our campers in achieving life-altering experiences.

Camp Cheerful Happiness Specialists at Play image by GySgt Michael Walker, US Marine Corps

Camp Cheerful Happiness Specialists at Play
image by GySgt Michael Walker
US Marine Corps

For your summer enjoyment, all campers’ activities will be live-streamed on the Internet. Our Certified Happiness Specialists have prepared several thrilling activities guaranteed to keep our campers busy all summer long. We’ve updated some of the more traditional, boring summer camp activities to make them far more interesting, and we’ve created a few completely original activities, as well.

After enjoying a morning of rigorous exercise and fasting, the campers will be treated to a thrilling round of bobbing for apples. To make this game a little easier for tired campers, we’ve attached a five pound diving weight to each apple, allowing the apple to settle conveniently at the bottom of the five foot barrel. Our loving camp staff will assist each camper in entering the barrel after securing their wrists with the lanyards the campers wove themselves in arts & crafts class. What could be more cheer-inducing and fulfilling than using their own handiwork in such a practical application?

Feeling more cheerful already, aren't you?

Feeling more cheerful already, aren’t you?

Many children have memories of the humiliation caused by their failure to ever hit the target on the archery range in summer camp. To avoid that emotional distress, our campers will reverse roles and will act as targets as our staff demonstrates proper archery technique. For safety, each arrow tip will be replaced with steel blunts, and campers will be required to remove all eye wear.

And what summer camp would be complete without a broad array of aquatic activities? Like any good summer camp, we stress safety first. Campers will learn important water survival techniques, such as how to use chicken blood on their swimming trunks as a shark repellant, how to safely tread water for four hours over sharp coral reefs, and how to spend a long day of swimming in the bright Caribbean sun without relying on the crutch of sunscreen. And don’t worry. No life vests allowed!

Camp Cheerful Swimmer getting more cheerful all the time.

Camp Cheerful Swimmer getting more cheerful all the time.

After a scrumptious lunch of cold gruel and a thirst-quenching draught of water from the local sacred spring of Baca Podrida (translation “Rotting Cow”), the staff will choose the Distinguished Camper of the Day, who will then serve as the star in a thrilling round of Pin the Tail on the Jackass. Given the larger size of some of the campers’ rear ends, the players will be allowed to use nail guns, rather than thumb tacks, to ensure the firm placement of the tails.

Most campers look forward to horseback riding as part of their summer camp activities. In spite of the lack of horses in Guantanamo, we have no intention of disappointing our campers. So we’ll be saddling up the campers for competitive steeplechase exercises. To help encourage those young foals to do their best in clearing those quicksand bogs and barbed wire fences, the “horse” that finishes last will be subjected to an extra round of Pin the Tail on the Jackass.

During our evening campfire time, campers will learn thrilling new songs that they will likely remember the rest of their lives. We’ve contracted with some of the world’s leading songwriters (us) to come up with unique songs that our campers will cherish for a lifetime. A Hundred Broken Bottles of Beer On My Head; Row, Row, Row Your Boat Across the River Styx; I Wanna Go Home (But They’ll Kill Me If I Try), and the trademark Camp Cheerful Song, If You’re Happy When You Suffer, Clap Your Hands.

Please notify us now of who you’re intending to send to Camp Cheerful this year, and we will reserve our special 3’ x 7’ dog kennels luxury suites for their vacation pleasure. Enroll your camper today!

Who would you like to send to Camp Cheerful this year and why?

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

 

The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Yakuza Launches Recruiting Site

By Piper Bayard

Pic like the ones you find at Yakuza site. Not Yakuza pic.  Image by Norbert Weber.

Pic like the ones you find at Yakuza site.
Image by Norbert Weber.

 

Membership in Yamaguchi-gumi, the largest family of Yakuza, or Japanese mafia, has been falling. Due to economic difficulties, the gangsta life is apparently not enough of a recruiting magnet on its own. So the Yamaguchi-gumi now has a recruiting website with its own corporate song, a poetry page, fishing diaries, and a message from the boss. Read about it here . . .

 

Japanese mobsters launch their own website

And this is the site. It’s in Japanese, but don’t worry. It has an English translation option.

Yakuza Recruiting Site

And here’s their video of happy little Yakuza at play to the tune of their theme song.

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Speaking of Yakuza, Japan, and such, a big welcome to historical fiction author Susan Spann, the newest featured author at the Social In network. Look for Susan’s posts about ninjas, a.k.a. shinobi, on Saturdays at SocialInDC. Also, you can pre-order her latest Shinobi Mystery, BLADE OF THE SAMURAI, at Amazon now.

Blade of the Samurai

Kokkie H Reviews The Book Thief by Markus Zusak.

In case you missed it, Holmes wrote an excellent piece about Boko Haram, the kidnapping that caught world attention, and the Western response. Boko Haram — Nigeria’s Jihadi Biker Gang

Image of kidnapped girls released by Boko Haram.  From Voice of America

Image of kidnapped girls released by Boko Haram.
From Voice of America

Emotional Triggers–A Direct Path to Human Connectivity. Great advice about social media marketing strategies from Lonny Dunn of Pronetworkbuild.

UNHCR Says Internal Displacement Affects Some 10,000 People in Ukraine

Via Screenwriter and Best Selling Author Ryne Douglas PearsonPhotos: Ray Bradbury’s House for Sale. Cozy enough for the best of writers. Can be yours for only $1.49 million.

Ray Bradbury's house

Ray Bradbury’s house

 

Photos: Welcome Home–The Story of Scott Ostrom via Christine Moore. There is more than one way to sacrifice a life. This Memorial Day, I won’t only be thinking about those who have died. I’ll be thinking about those who are called to go on.

Great article from New York Times bestseller and former Green Beret Bob Mayer. Survival Friday: Burglaries. I recommend checking out all of his Survival Fridays and picking up his book, The Green Beret Survival Guide. Part of the proceeds will go to Special Operations Warrior Foundations. SOWF provides scholorships grants, education and family counseling to the surviving children of special operations personnel who have died.

 

The Green Beret Survival Guide

Morning A.D.D. (Awkward Daily Dose): Gallery. Get ready for a laugh.

Porn addiction is a very real and very serious issue. Your Brain on Porn: 10 Common Signs of Addiction by August McLaughlin, who is the person you’d get if Dr. Ruth and a supermodel had a baby.

And our video for the day . . . Think of the tub as the Yamaguchi-gumi Recruiting Site, the dog as the Yamaguchi-gumi, and the cat as the poor sucker who takes their web site seriously.

 

 

All the best to all of you for a week of knowing who your friends are.

The End is Near (and we deserve it) . . . Phones with Smells

By Piper Bayard

The oPhone by Vapor Communications

. The oPhone by Vapor Communications

Meet the oPhone. Now, now. I understand that its shape and name might lead to some improper conclusions, so let’s be clear right up front. The “o” in this phone is all about odors. Smells. This phone sends smells. Read all about it here . . .

Harvard Prof Invents a Phone That Sends Smells

Blogs and Articles in No Particular Order

Via Best Selling Author Chuck Wendig, we find out What it is Like to Own a Tesla Model S — A Cartoonist’s Review of His Magical Space Car.

FB Shoe Porn Viral

Thriller author and photographer Donna Galanti shared this along with a plea for the good of humanity. IMPORTANT! Please shoot responsibly! And in case you can’t tell, that’s a woman’s foot.

What does former Delta Force commander and New York Times bestseller Brad Tayler have to say about the recent change allowing women in combat? GI Jennifer and GI Jennifer II – Careful What You Wish For

Via Laurielyn Fields, These 25 Cats Went Out of Their Way to Be Absolute Jerks.

 

Julie Glover - If Your Mom Tweeted

One of my favorite Mother’s Day blogs from last week by Julie Glover . . . If Your Mom Tweeted.

Sharon Lee Hughson details Six Sicknesses Perpetuated by Social Media.

Amazingly (not) East Ukraine Separatists Seek Union with Russia. If you missed it this week, catch Holmes’s outstanding article about the West, Putin, and why the Dancing Bear of Moscow is getting away with murder. Dances with Bears — The Putin/West Waltz

 

Putin meme i don't always invade a foreign country

Chris McMullen gives excellent advice in Newbie Author Book Marketing Mistakes.

14 Things You Didn’t Know About Trader Joes via yoga instructor and author Christine Moore.

Some fun from Colin Falconer, Kitten Meat and Medieval Fun Land. He’s got a seriously funny Game of Thrones parody there.

And speaking of serious fun, I came across this jewel. Chuck Norris meets Eva Gabor on the Merv Griffen Show back in the day.

Campaign Style Poll of the Week:

All the best to all of you for a week of satisfying aromas.

Meet Flat Spooky

By Piper Bayard

My writing partner, Jay Holmes, is a senior intelligence operative. He’s also my Underworld Google, and you can imagine the questions that I come up with for him while I’m tapping out our prose. . . . How would the antag kill a man so that it takes around 10 minutes for him to die–not too much blood, but some gasping? How much will our protag think about his wife during a mission, and when? Exactly how would our protag get the captive bad guy to talk in time to save civilization as we know it? Suffice to say that Holmes’s knowledge and experience are comprehensive and unique.

Movie pic Inspector Cleusseau with spy glass

Actual top secret photo of Holmes on a mission.

However, because Holmes is who and what he is, there are times he isn’t available for those questions that come up almost daily in our projects. So I started interviewing for a part-time Underworld Google.

Meet Flat Spooky. You may have heard of Flat Stanley – the little boy who got flattened and now rides around in countless pockets, delivering event and activity reports to schoolchildren across the nation. Turns out Spooky is his cousin. Distant cousin. Twice removed. And even flatter.

 FS SF Born in back seat of Ford focus 5-3-14

Baby photo of Flat Spooky.

Flat Spooky was both conceived and born in the back seat of a Ford Focus in a public parking lot on Treasure Island in the San Francisco Bay. His mother was a Russian honey pot, and his father once played an extra in The Bourne Legacy. Needless to say, Flat Spooky knows he has a lot to live down, and he is ever eager to prove himself a loyal American and a capable spook. After all, he has read lots of Tom Clancy novels, and he’s seen all of the Bond films at least twice.

When Flat Spooky found me on Twitter, he begged to ride around with me in my pocket in the hopes of some day meeting Holmes. He promised to give me his best shot at making up answers whenever I need them for our stories, so I put him in my purse. Little did I know what a personality I was taking on!

 

FS SF driving across Bay Bridge into city 5-3-14

Spooky began his first day on the planet by driving across the Bay Bridge into San Francisco.

FS SF at Coit Tower 5-3-14

He wheedled me to take him to Coit Tower. Turns out, Spooky’s greatest desire is to experience the charms of a lady. He heard me say “Coit” and thought it might be short for something else. He was disappointed to find out I was talking about a building that did not house . . . entertainment specialists.

Frustrated, he convinced me to take him to Ghirardelli Square to redirect his passions. He indulged.

 

 FS SF in box with chocolates 5-3-14

And indulged.

FS with Ghirardelli chocolate bars 5-3-14

And indulged.

FS with two favorite things, America and chocolate

At that point, he was 86ed from the place for getting inappropriate with the merchandise.

Then, Spooky decided it was time to earn his chops as an espionage expert. He snuck up on this bear and swiped his ice cream cone. I pointed out that such behavior did not make him a spook; it made him a common thief or a DHS employee. No national interest was served, and this illegal activity was conducted on American soil. Category “No-No” for a spook. Spooky burped and tried to drag me into the ice cream store. We’ll have to work on those ethical concepts.

FS SF trying to eat ice cream with bear 5-3-14

I thought a bit of education was in order, so I took Spooky aboard the USS Pampanito, a WWII submarine museum at Fisherman’s Wharf. Spooky is now the only “person” to ever board a submarine and think that it’s roomy.

FS SF at CO's door on USS Pompadino 5-3-14   FS SF gazing into meeting room of USS Pampanito 5-3-14

The C.O.’s quarters — about the size of a decent closet, and a meeting room — a slightly more decent closet.

 

   FS SF on bunk in USS Pampanito 5-3-14

Torpedo bay with bunks. There were only half as many bunks on the submarine as there were sailors, and the sailors took turns sleeping.

FS riding trolley with Ninja seahorse 5-3-13

Then we rode a trolley, and Spooky met another flat, sentient creature, Ninja Seahorse. Apparently, Ninja Seahorse rides in the purse of historical fiction author Susan Spann, who writes about a ninja detective in her Shinobi Mystery series. Spooky immediately attempted to recruit this visitor from Japan as an asset by enticing him into a sushi restaurant.

 FS SF Spooky and Ninja going into Sushi restaurant

Bad idea. The chefs thought poor Ninja Seahorse would make a great appetizer, and the two of them had to hide in this spray painting to escape.

SF Spray painting on the street

The next day, Spooky, Ninja Seahorse, Susan Spann, and I went to Napa Valley. Spooky convinced me he was 21, and I let him have a drink. I should have known better. It started with a civilized flute of sparkling wine at Mumm Napa . . .

FS SF Mumm Napa sparkling wine with Ninja Seahorse 5-4-14

but before long, Spooky was in his cups with Ninja Seahorse and an electrical plug of dubious origins who called herself “Polly” at a vineyard that could have been named after a porn star. Susan and I had to drag them out and send them to bed. Without Polly.

FS SF drinking with Polly Plug and Ninja Seahorse at Black Stallion 5-4-14

 The next day, Spooky had his first hangover, made more intense by the fact that his entire body is only a head.

 

FS SF eating hangover toast 5-5-14

Susan and I convinced him to come out with us for a bit of coffee and some hangover toast while Ninja Seahorse curled up in a corner of his aquarium and imbibed salt water. Suddenly, just between threatening to barf and begging the waiter to turn down the sunlight from the window, the love of Spooky’s life walked through the door.

FS SF falling in love with Allison Brennan 5-5-14

New York Times bestselling thriller author Allison Brennan. Spooky froze, enthralled and speechless. Then he threw himself at Allison’s feet and professed his undying love. She politely explained that she is happily married and has five children, but Spooky was not to be deterred. So Allison held him up to her heart for a picture. Spooky fainted.

Now, he’s back in my purse, pining after Allison, eating chocolate, and standing ready to answer any questions I might have for him while Holmes and I write our spy thrillers.

This little guy may be too much for my patience. He’s already filled my purse with chocolate wrappers.

How do you suggest I civilize this little wannabe spook?