As befits us as romantic archetypes, a spook and a belly dancer, Holmes and I are devoting our month of February to assisting you with your love dilemmas. This week, we have a question from Donna Newton, the lovely lady who had just learned to kiss last February by practicing with her friends in the public washrooms. It seems she graduated from hideous kissers with great yachts to movie stars who adore her so much they want to lock her up. Now, she has a new dilemma.
From Donna Newton:
Me again. After the advice you gave last year I now have another problem.
Firstly, I must say thanks. Holmes, you suggested I tell my then boyfriend I’d like to try kissing different ways, to which he suggested I try different men. So, I did. In fact, I took Bayard’s advice and tried another 499. It took me a whole two weeks, five days and eleven hours. As you can imagine, it didn’t leave a lot of time to read ‘The Art of Kissing’ by William Cane you so kindly recommended.
Anyway, Fast and the Furious star Paul Walker was man #501. I was at the beach watching him surf. A wave took him unexpectedly and he crashed into the ocean. I swam out, dragged him to shore, and administered mouth to mouth. He kept telling me he was okay and unhurt, but I had to be sure he was alive.
The moment my lips fought to find his, it hit me like a thunderbolt. He was the one! Now I dream about him all the time. I’ve joined his gym, bought a luminous green Toyota complete with blue under light, and befriended Vin Diesel on twitter.
He is playing very hard to get. He has moved twice, has installed a security system that outshines the one at Buckingham Palace, and has taken on three bodyguards. It’s terrible that, in this day and age, he has to protect themselves against the nutter public in this way.
I know he feels the same as I because when I last saw him (I was caught in the barbed wire that surrounds the perimeter of his home), he told me he was going to have me locked away – a sure sign he wants no one else to have me.
My problem is this. I’ve booked a table at the Ivy in L.A. and don’t know whether to have it for 8 o’clock or nine. Eight o’clock would suggest an early night and I don’t want to appear to eager.
Oh, and Jenny Ballbreaker actually turned out to have two balls. Go figure.
Thanks for all your help.
Bayard
Congratulations, Donna. It was very clever of you to arrange that wave to bring down Paul Walker. You were very smart to take advantage of the situation continue the mouth-to-mouth, even after he swore he was okay. You just can’t be too careful with these things. Although I have rescue diver training, I might have done exactly the same thing in your situation.
As for the table, I would book for 8:00 p.m. Folks our age need to eat earlier in the evening to avoid indigestion, especially when we are dining on rich gourmet food. And you certainly wouldn’t want any indigestion when he sashays you off to lock you away.
I don’t think 8:00 p.m. suggests an early evening, at all. Rather, it indicates that you want more time to enjoy his company. On that same line of thought, why don’t you make your reservations for 4:00 p.m. high tea? That way, state offices and hospitals will still be open, and it will be easier for him to lock you away.
Holmes
Hi Donna. When Piper said something about meeting 500 guys, I don’t think she meant for you to kiss them all* but we are here and the time is now so let’s deal with it. That guy you like now? Forget him. He’s no good for you. He cheats, he keeps his t-shirt on during sex, he snores loudly, he doesn’t shower every day, and he has cooties. You don’t want that guy.
Now that you are an experienced kisser, try advanced kissing practice on your husband and see what happens. Make sure you are alone with him in the house with the phones off and the doors locked. After you have had advanced kissing practice in every room in the house and twice in the garage, try outdoor kissing. It’s great for your health because you will have to walk a long way from the trail to ensure adequate privacy. After you two have had at least two dozen outdoor advanced kissing sessions, start the practice regimen all over again in your home. In between these sessions, you two can try semi-quiet kissing in your bedroom when the kids are asleep or safely distracted with a video game. Placing a blanket against the base of the closed door should help reduce escaping kissing noises. Feel free to get creative with your kissing practice. It doesn’t always have to be on the lips. I’ll leave those choices up to you two.
I feel very proud of your progress, and I think that, as long as you avoid any arrests, we should consider you our first “Bayard and Holmes Romance Academy Honor Graduate.” I’m proud of you, Donna. Feel free to wear a fancy scarf thingy in the colors of your choice whenever you attend the next graduation ceremony of a friend or relative. People will be jealous of your elite educational accomplishments.
Perhaps we should vote on Bayard and Holmes Academy colors? I think a dark scarlet red with metallic gold hearts would be a lovely choice. If we must have a fight song, how about that old song Pillow Talk by Sylvia? Please submit any design selections for academy colors and fight song choices. Until further notice, Donna, enjoy all maroon scarves with gold hearts.
What advice do you have for Donna? What are your questions for The Romance Doctors?
All the best to all of you for knowing when being locked up is a bad thing.
Piper Bayard–The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse
Holmes–Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points
*Yes, I did.
