Dismayed by the choices I’m being offered in the way of presidential candidates, I decided to run for President of the United States. (Ok. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President.) Kristen Lamb, my editor/mentor/friend, is my Space Saving Vice Presidential Running Mate.
Disgusted with the campaign finance shenanigans of our competitors, we are running a penniless campaign in the hopes that our presidential bid will go viral and get us to the White House, relying solely on fellow bloggers, tweeters, and folks on Facebook. It got Betty White to SNL, right? So why not us?
Today, we are honored to visit university professor, author, and heckuva nice guy Clay Morgan at his blog. Clay asked us how we would bring about peace in the Middle East so I thought it was a good time to run this refresher on my front line plan to end jihad.
Middle Eastern countries have waaaay more men than women. As you may be aware, there are only three sentences to the Happy Man Manual. 1) Feed me. 2) Feed my ego. 3) Feed my libido. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this gender disparity in the Middle East is no recipe for happy men. And what else are all of those rutting young bucks going to do if not go all jihad on someone?
It so happens I have the answer to that problem.
Latin American countries have waaay too many women. Mexico, Ecuador, and El Salvador, to name a few. The answer is obvious. Men need women, and women need men. Therefore, we should recruit Latino women to marry Middle Eastern Men.
This calls for a list.
Top Ten Reasons for the West to recruit Latino Women to marry Middle Eastern men:
10. Latin America is the Chill Out Tourist Mecca.
Mecca meets Mecca. Who better to teach jihadis to chill?
9. Every Arab’s Rolls Royce calls out for fuzzy dice and hydraulic brakes.
Picture it. Cheech and Chong have their way with the sheiks’ stables of automobiles. Cool.
8. No more dull, brown bhurkas.
What could Eva Mendes and Sophia Vergara do with that fashion statement?
7. Latino women do everything other women do, and they do it in 4 inch heels.
That’s the kind of heap-big mojo that would bring jihidis to their knees.
6. Kick-ass cooking.
Green chili falafel with goat tamales in red sauce. Yum!
5. Camel piñatas
Let’s give these boys a healthy outlet for their violent tendencies.
4. Great soap operas
Juanita Jamila, la Habibi de la Hafla
Juanita Jamila: “Por favor, Señor Achmed! You promised you would have the chick peas today! If I cannot make my special salsa for the hafla tonight, my evil landlord will kick my family out in the street! We will be homeless! Aaahhhiiiiii!”
Juanita Jamila wails and crumbles to the ground, dissolving into tears. The handsome Jose Abdul rushes to her side.
Jose Abdul: “Juanita Jamila! My beautiful desert flower! I will save you! I will run your landlord out of town on a rabid camel, and your father will then allow us to marry!”
3. No Middle Eastern guy named Jesus ever bombed anyone.
2. Pictures of prophets in Latino culture inspire peace, not death threats.
1. What do you get when you cross Latino culture with Middle Eastern culture?
Shakira.
image by Alejandro Barcenas, wikimedia commons
Need I say more?
Hop on our virtual bus with us and let’s head on over to Clay’s blog where we discuss the importance of The Bachelor to world peace, and how we will have Clay, our Secretary of Education, revamp the Department of Education to actually provide some form of education. Who I’m Voting for in 2012
If you would like to host a Bayard/Lamb 2012 Campaign Blog Tour stop at your blog, please email Piper at piperbayard@yahoo.com. We would love to come visit you. Thank you for your support.
What other positive aspects of Latino culture or any other culture do you think would be a positive influence on jihadis?
All the best to all of you for a week of laughter in the face of darkness.
Piper Bayard—The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse
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