Obnoxious Relatives? Call the Spanking Santa!

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

The most wonderful stressful time of the year is upon us. Long lines, visiting relatives, and credit card bills that give bankers a warm, fuzzy feeling in their wallets. But fear not! Bayard & Holmes Holiday Survival is back once more to help you navigate this cauldron of tension without beating anyone bloody with a turkey leg.

A spook and a belly dancer. Not us. Image from The Man with the Golden Gun.

We, a pragmatic author/belly dancer and a spook who solves most of life’s problems with sex, C4, or hollow points, are clearing our schedules so that we can assist you with your holiday survival questions. In fact, we’ve had a few pleas for assistance already.

Sarah Broogenstegler in Research Pod 3, Antarctica, sent us this desperate missive.

Dear Bayard & Holmes:

My husband, Clyde, and I love the Holidays. Unfortunately, six years ago, after a ten-year stint in Joliet Prison for a Ponzi scheme that bankrupted twelve hospitals, Clyde’s Uncle Harry started showing up uninvited on Christmas Day. We tried to be charitable the first year, but he drank all of our alcohol and mouthwash and fell in the punch bowl. It splashed on the Christmas lights and shorted them out. The ensuing fire nearly burned down the house.

Clyde is a pacifist and made me sell my .45 Colt automatic years ago. Rather than reintroduce firearms into our lifestyle to deal with Uncle Harry, we relocated to Antarctica. Last week, though, we got a radio message that Harry had somehow acquired our GPS coordinates and was hitching a ride with Greenpeace activists to get down here for Christmas.

I’m in tears! Please help!

Bayard & Holmes:

Dry your eyes, Sarah. We’re sending a bottle of Spanish sherry and our Little Holiday Helper to you at this very moment.

While the rest of the nation wasted summer days fretting over politics or battling squash bugs in their gardens, our talented staff here at Bayard & Holmes created a tactical solution to the Uncle Harrys of the world. Today, we proudly unveil the new Bayard & Holmes Spanking Santa* and His Band of Merry Elves.

Spanking Santa and his Band are hand-picked, highly trained Allied combat veterans whose specialty is conflict resolution, and they are here to serve you. When Harry rings the doorbell on Research Pod 3, our Spanking Santa Team will arrive moments later, fully armed with state-of-the art wooden paddles and ready to give Harry the Over-the-Knee Session of his life.

image from Department of Defense

Yes, yes, we know . . . Harry was unarmed and you did let him in voluntarily. Not a problem! Santa’s Merry Elves are experienced federal witnesses. Once they’ve entertained the Judge with their sworn testimony as to how Harry threatened your lives—they heard it themselves—Harry will be carted off to spend the Holidays visiting his old friends in Joliet Prison.

It’s win/win for everyone. Harry finally gets the stable family life that he has always craved, and you get to laugh all night about how Santa “took him to the woodshed” like he’s always deserved.

On the same line, Charlie from the Shetland Islands asks . . .

What about my brother, Filbert? He loves being spanked and often pays pricey women in London to do that for him. Wouldn’t a visit from Spanking Santa just make him show up more often?”

Bayard & Holmes:

An excellent question, Charlie. Our Spanking Santa Teams are well trained to spot any “patients” who might be enjoying the medicine a little bit too much. For those tough cases, our Spanking Santa Teams are authorized and prepared to administer electroshock therapy. Let us know if Filbert likes that too much, too, and we’ll recruit him as a test subject at our laboratories.

Then there was this slightly awkward question from “Kelly” with no last name or return address . . .

Hey, can you send Santa over to spank me?

Bayard & Holmes:

Well, Kelly, we don’t know if you are male or female or some combination thereof, but we’re afraid that if you’ve been well-behaved and simply enjoy this sort of thing, you’ll have to convince your significant other to take care of that. We hope you have fun and remember to play safe. Use a Nerf paddle. We have some at a great low price.

What survival issues are you struggling with this Holiday season? Remember. No question is out-of-bounds, but some of our answers might be!

*Spanking Santa Teams come fully equipped for all contingencies. Video cameras and DVD copies sold separately.

The *Other* American Independence Day

By Jay Holmes

At some point in every American’s childhood, we learn that we celebrate the 4th of July with barbeques and fireworks in honor of our nation’s independence. It’s a simple enough idea, but the reality was a bit more complicated.

Signing of the Declaration of Independence Engraved vignette of John Trumbull's painting Bureau of Engraving and Printing, public domain

Signing of the Declaration of Independence
Engraved vignette of John Trumbull’s painting
Bureau of Engraving and Printing, public domain

Since it would be impractical to celebrate our independence piecemeal throughout the year, July 4, 1776, is the accepted historical date of the United States of America’s independence. On that date, after four days of debate and revisions, the Congress of the United Colonies agreed to a final draft of the United States Declaration of Independence. While it was a declaration of independence from Great Britain, it was also a clear statement that as Americans, we held it self-evident that the rights of “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness” were descended from God and could not be infringed by any man—not even the King of England.

Students of US history commonly assume that the actual shooting war between the colonies and the British troops started after the Declaration. The fact is that the first shots of the revolution were fired by British troops against an unruly mob in Boston more than six years earlier on March 5, 1770. A mob of about 50 locals was throwing snowballs at British sentries when a few of the mob escalated the conflict and began throwing stones.

Crispus Attucks public domain, wikimedia commons

Crispus Attucks
public domain, wikimedia commons

The outnumbered British troops fired on them. The first three American casualties were a sailor named Crispus Attucks, a sailor named James Caldwell, and a rope maker named Samuel Gray. Attucks was a black man, so it’s fair to say that Black Americans have played a role in American Independence since the day that the first blood was drawn. Samuel Maverick and Patrick Carr died later, and the five killings became known as the “Boston Massacre.

Boston Massacre Gravestone Image by lorax, wikimedia commons.

Boston Massacre Gravestone
Image by lorax, wikimedia commons.

At the time, the massacre had a huge impact on European foreign policies, because it notified the world that all was not happy and calm in the vast British colonies in North America. If nothing else, the Boston Massacre may help explain why so many Americans prefer to remain well armed to this day. We never know when some angry mob might start flinging rocks at us.

More than a year before “Independence Day,” on April 18, 1775, Paul Revere and William Dawes made their famous night rides to Lexington and Concord. Revere and Dawes warned John Hancock and John Adams that British troops were marching to arrest them. They also roused the local militias. Dawes and Revere were captured by British troops, but not before they had completed their missions.

The following day, 75 Colonial militia formed up on Lexington Green with the vague hope of causing the 240 advancing British troops to turn back to Boston. The British declined to turn back and demanded that the militia disband.

The bad odds for the Colonials got worse when an additional 160 British troops arrived on the scene. For a moment, a standoff ensued. Then someone that was never identified fired a shot.

The British opened fire, and the Colonials returned fire, but the Colonials had loaded their rifles with blanks. Eight Colonials were killed. While the British charged, some of the Colonials were able to reload their weapons and fire with real shot. One British soldier was wounded. That first shot became known as “The Shot Heard Round the World*.” It marked the point of no return in the conflict between the colonists and Great Britain.

Engraving of The Battle of Lexington public domain, wikimedia commons

Engraving of The Battle of Lexington
public domain, wikimedia commons

 

More militia members streamed into the area from nearby towns and villages, and by the end of the day, the odds were reversed—1400 British troops faced a combined Colonial militia force of 3,800.

The British troops were blocked from reaching the Colonial armory at Concord, and they retreated to Boston in an orderly fashion while Boston militia snipers fired on them from behind walls and buildings. The British troops suffered 73 dead and 173 wounded. About 50 British troops went missing. Some of the missing British soldiers were sympathetic to the colonials and joined forces with them.

After the battles of Lexington and Concord, word of The Shot Heard Round the World spread across North America and parts of Canada. On June 17, 1775, in what we mistakenly refer to as The Battle of Bunker Hill, British forces drove Colonials off of Breed’s Hill. Both sides claimed a victory. The Colonials lost 115 killed and 300 wounded, but the British casualties were more than double that, with nearly a third of their losses being officers.

On March 17, 1775, with Washington’s troops in possession of a commanding position on Dorchester Heights and encircling Boston, the British embarked their forces and loyalist Colonials onto a large British fleet and departed for Canada. Many hailed this British retreat from Boston as a great victory. However, General Washington and his senior officers knew that, while it was a pleasant moment, it was only a small step toward any real victory over the British. Washington assumed that the British would return with a larger army and seize New York and the Hudson River. He was correct.

Finally, on July 4, 1776, the Continental Congress ratified the US Declaration of Independence. Although we recognize that day as the birth date of the United States of America, at that time, it was more of a wishful thought accompanied by a statement of principles. Not all Americans agreed with the Declaration, and the British met it with outright ridicule. We of the United States of America were, at that point, a nation only in theory, and it was not a universally popular theory. For European monarchs, the idea that the fundamental rights of man are derived from a God rather than a monarch was unsettling.

Surrender of Lord Cornwallis Painting by John Trumbull public domain, wikimedia commons

Surrender of Lord Cornwallis
Painting by John Trumbull
public domain, wikimedia commons

It required five more years of bitter fighting from South Carolina to Canada to convince Great Britain that the American Colonials were willing and able to sustain their revolution and back up their Declaration with deeds. On November 19, 1781, at Yorktown, Virginia, a British force of 8000 soldiers and marines under General Cornwallis surrendered to a 14,000-strong American and French Army commanded by George Washington.

For Americans, Yorktown is remembered as the time and place when Americans soundly defeated the British Army. From the British point of view, Yorktown is barely remembered at all. For Great Britain, it was simply the moment when the English Parliament decided that the cost of fighting American rebels was far greater than the cost of allowing them their independence.

On November 30, 1781, the American notion of independence became a clear reality when British and American representatives signed a preliminary Article of Peace. The full treaty was not signed until September 3, 1783, and only on November 25 of that year did the main British force finally depart from New York.

It is right and proper that we in the United States should celebrate our Independence, and July 4 is as good a day as any for doing so, but we should remember that the declaration of our independence as a nation only became a reality after years of bloodshed and sacrifice by our forefathers.

Washington and Lafayette at Valley Forge Painting by John Ward Dunsmore public domain, wikimedia commons

Washington and Lafayette at Valley Forge
Painting by John Ward Dunsmore
public domain, wikimedia commons

*Note to Giants fans. Yes, I know that Bobby Thomson’s Home Run off of Ralph Branca’s fastball was “The Shot Heard Round the World,” but indulge me here.

In the Time of Gathering, Some are Better Off Alone

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

This is the week of the mass American pilgrimage. Thanksgiving, more than any other holiday, is the day we Americans travel home. It is the one holiday we all share, no matter what our religion. The day when we gather as families.

Some of us will have genuinely happy reunions. The stuff of Norman Rockwell.

 

Image from Office of War Information, 1942, wikimedia commons.

Image from Office of War Information, 1942,
wikimedia commons.

 

Most of us will have mixed days. A bit of hassle and a family fuss getting out the door. Then we will roll our eyes at Uncle Freddie’s bad jokes and Aunt Marge complaining that the dressing is dry. But once everyone settles in for the football, it will all be good.

For some, though, Thanksgiving will be a gut-wrenching ordeal — an endurance test of dysfunctional abuse that demoralizes and convinces us that we deserve nothing from life but the crumbs of inadequacy and failed expectations.

Most people who persist in that brutal existence do so from habit and from the fear of change. But a brave few walk away into the unknown with the conviction that whatever lies ahead, it cannot be worse than the hell they left behind. They quit showing up for the beatings.

 

Canstock 2014 Girl Alone with Suitcase

If you are having joyful reunions this week, we celebrate with you. Such family experiences are the source of strength that sustains us through life’s turmoil.

If you are biting your tongue in between hugs and laughter, we admire you for your tolerance and commitment. Such commitment is the foundation of civilization.

If you are suffering, our hearts and prayers go out to you in the hopes that one day, you too will get out.

And if you are one of the ones who walked away, we salute you. You will be alone this week, or with close friends, or with people you barely know who have unfamiliar traditions. If you have persevered down your lonely path, you may even be with a new family by now, making Norman Rockwell jealous.

We know what it took for you to walk away, and we count you as our family. Your “not being there” didn’t come for free, and we honor the price you pay each day. It never gets easy, but it does get better. This song says it all.

 

 

Wherever you are in Life’s pilgrimage this Thanksgiving, we wish you peace.

Happy Thanksgiving!

At the Crossroads of NATO and Russia

By Jay Holmes

Friday, November 14, 2014 might end up being an important date in Western history—not for what happened on this day, but rather for what didn’t happen. The French government failed to deliver the new Mistral class helicopter carrier to the Russian Navy.

 

FS Mistral Amphibious Assault Ship in Toulon Harbor Image by Rama, wikimedia commons.

FS Mistral Amphibious Assault Ship in Toulon Harbor
Image by Rama, wikimedia commons.

 

On December 24, 2010, French President Nicolas Sarkozy announced the sale of two French Mistral class ships to the Russian Navy. The contract was signed on January 25, 2011, with a delivery date for the first helicopter carrier, the Vladivostok, in October of 2014 and the second ship, the Sevastopol, to be delivered in 2015. Two more ships of the same class were then to be constructed under license in Russia. The price of the contract for the first two ships was 1.37 billion euros. This, of course, represented thousands of jobs for the troubled French economy.

In what was likely a well-rehearsed press briefing, Russian reporters asked Russian General Staff member General Nikolai Makarov why the ships would not be built in Russia where Russian workers could benefit from the project. General Makarov stated that the reason for purchasing the French design, rather than Russian, was that “Russia would require another ten years to develop technologies” that could match the Mistral class capabilities and that the Russian Navy did not want to endure that delay. In answering the question, he effectively confirmed the concerns of the US and some of its NATO members.

When the contract was announced in 2010, US Republican senators, led by John McCain, sent a letter of protest to the French Ambassador to the US. NATO member states Lithuania, Latvia, and Estonia also protested against the sale. During his visit to Paris on January 8, 2011, US Secretary of Defense Robert Gates expressed US concern over the substantial military technology upgrade that the French were exporting with the sale of the Mistral class ships to Russia. When questioned by journalists, Gates’ representatives stated that, in spite of US concerns, there was nothing that the US could do to block the sale of the Mistral ships to Russia. France had anticipated the complaints and ignored them. The construction proceeded on schedule.

On February 27, 2014, when the Russian flag was hoisted over the Ukrainian parliament in Crimea, the pending transfer of the Mistral ships to Russia quickly became a much more serious problem to Ukraine, to NATO member states, and to Sweden. With a planned delivery date of October 15 looming on the horizon, the US and NATO quietly stepped up pressure on the French government to halt the sale of the high tech Mistral ships. The French quickly complained that they would have to reimburse Russia the 1.1 billion euros already paid for the ship construction, and that it would cost France over a thousand jobs.

Members of the US Congress responded that NATO should purchase the two ships for use by the NATO Standing Force Atlantic and NATO Standing Force Mediterranean. NATO was slow to respond, but after a few weeks, they decided that they lacked the funds and mechanism for making such a purchase. In reality, if the UK and the US cooperated, an offer to purchase the ships at their original sales price could be made within days. France would have no doubt as to the validity of the offer, but that does not mean that France would easily agree.

In less public communications, the Russian government offered, in general terms and without producing a contract, to make further substantial warship purchases from the French shipyards if France delivers the two Mistral ships. Russia is also in a position to quietly make a variety of generous financial offers to the French government or to members of the French government. I am not aware of what other offers have or have not been made.

 

 

In response to pressure from its fellow NATO members, France delayed the projected delivery date to November 14 with the condition that a cease-fire and a permanent political solution be in place by then.

Only days before the deadline, Vladimir Putin did what he always does best. He hurt Russia. On November 10, 2014, Australia deployed warships to shadow Russian warships that had approached the Coral Sea. On November 13, the Russian ships were in the Coral Sea, where they approached, but did not enter, Australian territorial waters.

This bit of Putinism was in response to the announcement by the Australian government that at the G-20 meeting, they would confront Vladimir Putin about the fact that Russian forces had shot down Malaysian Airlines Flight MH17 on July 17, 2014. Thirty-eight Australians were killed in that attack.

On November 12, another Russian armored column crossed into Ukraine, further escalating the Russian invasion of Ukraine, and making it more politically difficult for France to deliver the ships. The November 14 delivery date has now passed, and France has thus far declined to turn over the ships to Russia.

The Russian government responded with its traditional lack of finesse. It officially announced that it would make financial claims against France if the first Mistral is not delivered by the end of November. Less officially, but quite publicly, they have announced that the financial claims would be in the neighborhood of 3 billion euros, and that France would face “grave consequences.” France responded by stating that it would not be forced into any decisions by anyone outside of France.

In spite of what Vladimir Putin’s media machine will tell the Russian public, Russia is, in fact, in no position to deliver and “grave consequences” to France. The Russian ships in the Coral Sea are not capable of overcoming Australia’s defenses, but the move plays well on Putin-controlled state media. As for Australia, Putin doesn’t give a damn what anyone in that country thinks.

 

Russian President Vladimir Putin contemplating the  "grave consequences" he would like to deliver. Image by www.kremlin.ru.

Russian President Vladimir Putin
contemplating the “grave consequences”
he would like to deliver.
Image by http://www.kremlin.ru.

 

While NATO maintains that it cannot purchase the two Mistral ships from France, some interesting options are available.

In 2010, Poland expressed an interest in possibly purchasing a Mistral class ship from France. For lack of funds, no offer has been tendered. Canada, a nation that has the funds, has also expressed an interest in purchasing two Mistral class ships from France. The UK, a nation that has the funds but won’t give the funds to its navy, has not expressed any interest in purchasing a Mistral class ship. Perhaps it should. With the once mighty Royal Navy currently reduced to having no carriers in service, the purchase of a single Mistral class helicopter carrier could serve to boost the Royal Navy’s defense capabilities until the two new Queen Elizabeth carriers enter service sometime after 2016. The helicopter carrier would remain useful to the Royal Navy long thereafter.

The likelihood of the UK considering the purchase of one of the Mistral carriers is approximately equal to the likelihood that I will win the lottery. I don’t buy lottery tickets. Since the US is expected to pick up the slack from the Royal Navy, and since there is next to no Canadian navy afloat from which to pick up any slack, it is in the direct interest of the US to offer partial financial assistance to Canada or to Poland for the purchase of the two Mistral carriers. The key to getting such a deal done would be to allow the French to announce that any such arrangements were the results of inspired, avant-garde thinking by members of the French government. Neither Canada nor Poland would care who claimed credit for any such deal.

My best guess is that between now and the end of November, Vladimir Putin will not learn to act in the best interests of Russia. Russia will continue its aggression against Ukraine, and, therefore, France will want to avoid suffering the political damage that will result in supplying Russia’s invading military with a new high-tech warship. Time still remains for France and its Western allies to come to their senses and redirect the Mistral ships to an allied navy. Whether or not reason will prevail in the long term remains to be seen.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

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Enter to win a $25 Amazon Gift Card.

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BUGGING OUT — 5 Star Dystopian Fiction

By Piper Bayard

Noah Mann delivers a winner of a dystopian thriller with BUGGING OUT. The future is alarmingly possible, the characters are refreshingly real, and the challenges are terrifying in this deftly-spun tale of survival and treachery in a world left barren by the Blight.

Bugging Out by Noah Mann

Eric “Fletch” Fletcher is a sensible man–prepared, but not quite a prepper. The sort of fellow many of us are or hope to have for a neighbor when it all hits the fan. When Eric’s best friend, a government insider, approaches him with a warning to get out of town, Eric is most reluctant to do so. He fights his shifting reality right up until all of the TV stations broadcast a Code Red. Then, he can deny it no longer. Eric Fletcher must bug out.

As a highly trained survivalist and disaster preparedness expert, Noah Mann weaves a journey of endurance and gritty wit with exceptional style and polished prose. A great read that both thrills and satisfies. I decidedly recommend BUGGING OUT.

You can find BUGGING OUT, as well as the sequel, EAGLE ONE, at Amazon. Click on the pictures for the links.

Bugging Out Series Eagle One

 

US Navy Scandal–The Man with the Golden Silencer

By Jay Holmes

In November of 2013, the US Navy made public an investigation into the questionable purchase of firearms silencers* for US Navy SEAL Team 6. The silencers were for use with AK type weapons, such as the venerable Kalashnikov AK-47**. They were also to be “untraceable,” which is easily achieved by using simple, non-American designs without a serial number system or trademarks.

 

Beloved US Navy SEALs Image by Dept. of Defense, public domain

Beloved US Navy SEALs
Image by Dept. of Defense, public domain

 

So why would the grumpy US Navy inspectors be upset by the purchase of a few AK silencers for our beloved sailors in SEAL 6? Don’t the killers of Osama Bin Laden deserve to have the equipment they need? Sure, they do. But there were a few problematic details with these particular silencers.

First, nobody at SEAL 6 knew anything about the silencers in question. They never requested them, and they never received any of them.

Second, the Navy paid $1,600,000 for 349 silencers of the lowest imaginable quality. In fact, the silencers that my kids made for their third grade science projects were better quality.

Third, the order was completed with a no-bid contract given to a bankrupt auto mechanic, who just happens to be the brother of the civilian Navy Intelligence employee that requested the funds for the silencers.

In the spring of 2014, the US Attorney General’s office joined the US Navy in the investigation and brought the case before a federal judge. On October 30, US Judge Leonie Brinkema handed down a guilty verdict against two defendants, civilian Navy Intelligence official Lee Hall and auto mechanic Mark Landesman. Both are due to appear for sentencing in January 2015.

The disposition of two other civilian Navy employees is as yet unclear. Perhaps they were volunteered for target practice for SEAL 6. Well, probably not, but it’s always fun to imagine such things where people have indulged in such base corruption.

One marvelous piece of evidence that helped prosecutors was the fact that one defendant, the contracted mechanic Mark Landesman, was either too unskilled or too lazy to make the simple, low quality silencers himself. He instead subcontracted the work to a legitimate machinist and paid the machinist $8,000. That little detail fixed a clear value for the manufacturing of the silencers. There was no explaining away the $1,600,000 payment made by the Navy to Landesman.

One of the saddest things about this case is that, in spite of how lame their conspiracy was, they nearly got away with it. When US Special Forces need silencers, they don’t have to hire unemployed auto mechanics to make them. There are plenty of well-vetted contractors available that routinely supply such items.

I was half hoping that the defense team would roll out the old “this was really a CIA Black Ops job” defense ploy. It might have made the defendants eligible to be tried for Patriot Act violations, and then they would now be on extended all expenses paid vacations at a remote location in the Pacific Ocean, waiting for their preliminary hearing dates in the year 2090.

In this particular instance, though, we will have to settle for sentences ranging from five to fifteen years for the two guilty scammers and hope that the other two culprits don’t walk away untouched. SEAL 6 does indeed need lots of expensive items. So does every other group in the US military. But when traitors steal the taxpayers’ money, it damages national security.

Since 2010, the Navy has increased its efforts at preventing fraud and misallocation of resources. This case is probably the result of those efforts. With so many billions of dollars being spent on national defense, you can bet that plenty more scam artists will continue to do their best to rob you of your tax dollars. Let us hope that the Pentagon will continue to refine their defense against fraud.

*In the case of an AK-47, the term “suppressor” is generally more apt than “silencer,” but this story is referenced at other sites throughout the internet using the term “silencer.” For the sake of clarity and consistency, we have done the same.

**US military forces at times opt to use various non-American weapons for a range of operations.

1-800-ZAPP-ASS: Shock Those Politicians into Shape!

By Piper Bayard & Jay Holmes

Are you feeling abused by your political system? Disgusted with your congressmen and their yes men? Ready to move to Central America to find some semblance of organized government?

Fear not! Bayard & Holmes stand ever prepared to turn your problems into our opportunities. We are proud and excited to bring you our latest ingenious program calculated to lower your stress and increase your happiness. We call it 1-800-ZAPP-ASS. Here’s how it works. . . .

 

Actual photo of Political Offender  hit by 1-800-ZAPP-ASS

Actual photo of Political Offender
hit by 1-800-ZAPP-ASS

 

For a meager donation of $1.99, you can dial or text 1-800-ZAPP-ASS and deliver an electric shock to the Political Offender of your choice—congressmen, elected officials (no Executive Privilege applies), or a fervent, annoying, neighborhood political party radical. You can even use this device to zapp some sense into social media ranters, or those college kids still young enough to know everything who come to our doors, clipboard in hand, and tell us how misguided we are in our political views.

All proceeds will go toward the Bayard & Holmes Charitable Foundation, benefitting loyal Americans (us) who don’t support any politicians or their self-serving political agendas. The Bayard & Holmes Charitable Foundation will then use that money to promote their Matching Funds Campaign Funding Reform. Under our proposed system, all contributions to political parties and/or candidates would require matching funding to reputable veterans’ charities such as USA Cares, the Wounded Warrior Foundation, and the Special Operations Warrior Foundation. That way, instead of politicos SAYING they support veterans during campaign seasons to garner votes, they could actually DO it.

 

Lt. Col. Greg Gadson, who lost both legs in an IED attack in Iraq in 2007, shares a moment with fellow artilleryman, Capt. David Evetts, commander of Battery D, 1st Battalion, 77th Field Artillery Regiment, at the Ledward Theater, Sept. 29.

Lt. Col. Greg Gadson, who lost both legs in an IED attack in Iraq in 2007, shares a moment with fellow artilleryman, Capt. David Evetts, commander of Battery D, 1st Battalion, 77th Field Artillery Regiment, at the Ledward Theater, Sept. 29.

 

Sound amazing? But wait! There’s more!

The top 12 most-zapped Political Offenders will win all expense paid vacations to Camp Cheerful Summer Camp for Adults in the beautiful blue Caribbean on the coast of Cuba.

Our highly trained Happiness Specialists will be waiting for your favorite Political Offenders with a very special fun activity designed just for them. We call it Politicalboarding.

 

Camp Cheerful Happiness Specialists at Play Image by US Marine Corps, public domain

Camp Cheerful Happiness Specialists at Play
Image by US Marine Corps, public domain

 

With Politicalboarding, the Political Offenders are restrained in a room together where they are subjected to each other’s company. Then, they sit through 72 non-stop, fun-filled hours of Ted Cruz filibustering, only interrupted by diaper changes and electric shocks when their eyelids droop. After that, the Political Offenders will be forced to stand at attention until they have memorized each one of the over 2,500,000 words in the Obamacare statutes and regulations.

No worries! This is nothing like waterboarding. In fact, Political Offenders at Camp Cheerful aren’t even given water.

Once they can recite Obamacare like a Baptist Circuit Preacher quoting the Holy Bible at a tent revival, the Political Offenders will be treated to a sumptuous banquet of gluten-packed, dairy-packed, sugar-loaded, freeze dried, GMO whole wheat bread crust and a draught from the local sacred spring of Baca Podrida (translation “Rotting Cow”).

After their meal, the Political Offenders will be strapped to chairs and turned upside down in a dunking booth. Then, since Baseball is not only our religion but the All-American Sport, major league hopefuls will practice their throws. Just so you know, this isn’t waterboarding, either. It’s Strategic Dunking.

 

A well-disguised C.C. Sabathia showing how it's done. Image by Tim Evanson, wikimedia commons.

A well-disguised C.C. Sabathia showing how it’s done.
Image by Tim Evanson, wikimedia commons.

 

Text, phone, tweet, email, or FaceBook now and contribute your $1.99 to zapp Congress into action. Let’s remind these self-serving bozos who exempt themselves from everything from NSA spying to Obamacare that we have a special interest, too. We call it “America.”

If you would like to suggest anyone to receive a shocking wake up from 1-800-ZAPP-ASS, please feel free to do so below. However, in the interests of delicacy and the fact that social media platforms take years to build and can be destroyed in seconds, please only refer to your Political Offenders by clean and clever code names.

Now, now! No crowding, and no personal attacks on each other in the Comments Section. We’ll leave that sort of unethical, unprofessional behavior to the politicians.

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

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The Spy Bride Risky Brides Boxed Set final Cover

 

RISKY BRIDES . . . 8 genres. 8 novels and novellas. 8 takes on what makes a RISKY BRIDE. Now on sale for a limited time at only $.99 and available at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iBookstore, and Kobo.