A Time to Receipt

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

An engaged couple in Anderson County, South Carolina made a purchase at Walmart. Three days later, they saw the face of Jesus in their receipt.

After consulting with internationally renowned apparition experts (us) and experiencing years of low-quality receipts which retain everything except the original ink with which they are printed, we here at Bayard and Holmes recognize this Walmart apparition as the same one that appeared on the famous Cheesus grilled cheese sandwich.

Grilled Cheesus yahoo shopping

image of Grilled Cheesus from Yahoo! Shopping

It is our conclusion that Walmart used a Grilled Cheesus to imprint this receipt with the face of a thirty-something, Middle Eastern Jewish man named Shlomo to lure more customers through the door in the hope that they, too, will receive a Made in China miracle.

Don’t fall for this cheap imitation!

We here at Bayard & Holmes have the highest quality genuine apparitions on the market today. In fact, with our receipts, you aren’t limited to just Jesus, and you aren’t limited to just one.

While it’s true that we currently have no products on the market, we would never let a little thing like that keep us from serving you, our beloved readers. Send us your money in any amount large enough to cover our inconsequential substantial overhead, and we will send you a genuine Bayard & Holmes receipt fit for any home shrine or church reliquary.

Upon your first purchase, you will receive a receipt divinely imprinted with the face of the Virgin Mary. No heavyweight boxer grills here!

Your second purchase will come with a receipt bearing the apparition of the face of Jesus in the race of your choice. (Western European Jesus apparition available for Protestants and Mormons.)

With your third purchase . . . Hold on . . . We send you a receipt with both Mary and Jesus in either the Madonna or the Pieta pose, along with a genuine Bayard & Holmes Certificate of Authentication signed by the priests of our order, the New York Yankees–assuming they don’t notice what they are signing.)

But that’s not all!

With every donation purchase over $5k, you will also receive a complimentary receipt that includes the possibility of a miracle, and a holographic apparition of The Last Supper by Leonardo Da Vinci of The Da Vinci Code fame.

The Last Supper Leonardo Da Vinci

The Last Supper by Leonardo Da Vinci

Just think. Who else but Bayard & Holmes could get you this close to all 12 apostles and Jesus simultaneously for a mere $5k? Why, Walmart and most churches would charge you at least $50k and a lifetime of troublesome rules for this prize.

Lest Jews, Buddhists, Hindus, Atheists,* or any other religious denominations feel left out, you are welcome to substitute your prophet or your favorite sports player for the image of Jesus. We do, however, offer our apologies to Muslims. We will not be able to produce receipts with the image of your prophet, as we do not fancy living out our lives in a federal protective service. You may, however, request the image of your favorite soccer player or political protestor.

So remember, dear readers, when you’re in need of a miracle, think Bayard & Holmes for all of your apparition needs. Bayard & Holmes–because there’s a time to give (to us), and a time to receipt (to you).

*First 500 Atheist donors receive a complimentary genuine faux dinosaur bone relic.

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42 comments on “A Time to Receipt

  1. cestlavie22 says:

    Oh man this was down right hilarious! I don’t know if the receipt Jesus story is true but I definitely heard he Grilled Cheese one and I couldnt help but roll my eyes. I get that people really need some hope and a sign that it is all real but the lengths to which they go astounds me! This article brightened my Monday :)

  2. Diana Beebe says:

    Hilarious post! I love it!

  3. Tori Nelson says:

    Hahaha. Thought for sure I’d spotted The Jesus on my floor one day. It was crumbs and a shadow, but I felt a little blasphemous Swiffering the holy pile all the same.

  4. mairedubhtx says:

    Excellent way to drum up some cash. I’m sure you’ll get some takers. Good luck. You did post on ebay, didn’t you?

  5. There is a tile in my bathroom that looks like Jesus. But the sun has to hit it just right.

    Also, it’s winter.

    Also, I don’t usually bring my phone in the bathroom.

    Just sayin’.

    Maybe one day, I’ll get a pic of the elusive face. It freaks me out when he shows up and I’m peeing. What is bathroom Jesus trying to say, do you think?

  6. In Australia we had a group of Catholics who thought there was a face of the virgin Mary in the knots in the wood in a fence post leading down a walkway to a beach near Sydney.. Some vandals came and burnt down the fence post. No more virgin Mary. I think if it was a real religious miracle God would have made the wood non-combustible. THAT would have impressed me. But you can have my mony for a non-combustible wood fence post any day.

  7. Cheesus grilled cheese? You guys crack me up!

  8. This is how I needed to start my Monday. Very funny.

    Can I be geek girl now? There’s a psychological term, pareidolia, for finding faces in things…

    Geek girl now back in hiding for a few minutes.

  9. What no velvet paintings?
    Hilarious! Well done.

  10. tomwisk says:

    Now you’ve really gone to far. Making fun of Jesus appearing to true believers is bals, blasf, just bad. Stop it. I just sent $100 to Rev, Billy Joe Wilson and he promised to send me a jen, genuine photo of the Last Supper autograf, signed by the apostles. Jesus didn’t sign much. He knew marketing. Repent sinners or send me a list of real receet, you know.

    • Piper Bayard says:

      Gosh, Tom. For that same $100 you could have gotten an apparition of Jesus’ fingerprints on the Holy Grail. Please remember next time that Bayard & Holmes are always here for you, ready to turn your problems into our opportunities. :)

  11. I.J.Vern says:

    “…ready to turn your problems into our opportunities” LOL Piper.

    When the time comes I’ll have you in charge of my marketing campaign :D.

    Hilarious post, I enjoyed it a lot. Thanks for the laugh, it was needed. :)

  12. Julie Glover says:

    Do you have the burly Jewish carpenter version of Jesus? I find my usual Protestant wilting-on-the-cross representations a bit unconvincing. (This guy didn’t have power tools for building or a minivan for traveling.) In fact, if Holmes could personally lend his tough-guy face for my version of Jesus, I’m sure my donation would increase tenfold.

  13. amyshojai says:

    ROTFL! This made my day! I am sooooo sharing this.

  14. I’ve never seen Jesus in a sandwich, or a receipt for that matter. I do have, however, an image of Godzilla in the faux wood grain of my bedroom closet door. I light a candle by it from time to time. Not really sure, but I think it makes my local station play monster movie marathons when I do; Godzilla, Mothra, Gamera, all the greats. ;-)

    Fun post, Piper! Thanks for brightening my day!

  15. [...] so much. An extra dose of gratitude goes out to Aanna and Logan Greer, Albert Berg, Myndi Shafer, Piper Bayard, and Jen Kirchner. You’re my faithful and kind and keen and supersmart beta readers who gave [...]

  16. I actually interested in the faux authentic dinosaur bone relic. Have there been 500 atheists ahead of me yet?

  17. I was going to mention paredoilia, but Leanne did it first…:-)

  18. [...] Seeing Holy Images? from the seriously funny files of Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes [...]

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