Our Wish-We’d-Missed Connections

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

Last week, two of our favorites, Jenny Hansen and Natalie Hartford, brought to our attention something called the Craigslist Missed Connections. Those are the ads people put up on Craigslist in an effort to find someone they saw in passing, or even someone they know but are too shy to approach.

Holmes and I, who are both happy with the connections we have, are more concerned with never connecting with certain people again. These are a few Wish-We’d-Missed Connections.

Cupid Triumphant by Bertel Thorvaldsen, image by Carsten Norgaard, Wikimedia Commons

Je Ne Sais Quoi

I saw you at Le Cafe Tres Cher. I am the man who was sitting with my back to the wall near the door. You are a tall, dark, mysterious woman. You had on that short red skirt and those lovely stiletto heels. What legs! Our eyes met as you sauntered past me. You had that je ne sais quoi air about you. I nearly gagged. That’s what happens when you don’t shower for three days.

For God’s sake, take some mercy on us. Ask the boys at Fire Station 17 to hose you down and then find another place to drink your damned coffee!

Clean Up on Aisle Nine

You smiled at me when our shopping carts passed in the vegetable aisle. I was startled because you look like a woman I once knew in Europe during the Cold War. You were wearing a green work out suit. Your lovely blonde hair was in a pony tail. You looked so charmingly girlish. I saw you again in the pharmacy section, and then you tried to follow me into the snack section. You smiled again, giving me chills. The last woman who smiled at me like that tried to knife me in the parking lot.

Fortunately, I was too fast for you, and when I tipped over the potato chip rack it blocked your path and I escaped. Find another place to shop, you psychopath! If I see you at my supermarket again I’m going to knock you upside the head with a frozen turkey and leave you unconscious in the refrigerator aisle to die a cold and lonely death.

Roman Holiday

Our paths crossed on the bus in Rome when I was but a shy teenage girl away from home for the first time. The bus was packed, and your body pressed against my backside. I tried to shift, certain a full grown man like you would never be comfortable being so close to an ingenue like me.

To my dismay, there was absolutely nowhere to move in the crush of flesh. But you, however, found the one way you could move, pressing your disgusting, corpulent, ancient self against me over and over. Honestly! What would your wife, children, and grandchildren think of you if they knew you behave in public like Burlusconi with a meter maid? If I ever see you again, you effing pervert, you will wish I was as nice as Lorena Bobbitt.

Virtual Reality

Holmes and I met you in the Scorpion Pit on the virtual reality game our kids got us sucked into. You began by telling my avatar, “You’re hot.”

New to the game and having no experience with cyber-mashers, I was confused, wondering how small you must be to be hitting on a three-inch computer image. While I was trying to picture that, Holmes began repeating back to you all of the pick up lines you were using on me.

Then it was your turn to be confused. You asked Holmes, “Are you a boy or a girl?”

To which Holmes replied, “I’m both. I have girl parts and boy parts.”

You said, “Wow! Really? Do you pee like a girl or like a boy?”

Holmes said, “I do both at the same time.”

Things became more absurd from there. You were clearly fascinated with Holmes’ fictional description of the body functions of a hermaphrodite, and you tried to find out where he lives for half an hour until we tired of laughing at you and blocked you. You are undoubtedly the sickest person we have ever met online. Don’t come near us. Don’t come near our families. Don’t come near our friends, and don’t come near our avatars or you will find out how well a charged up virtual Scarlett Death Arbalest works against a Smith & Wesson.

Three of these Wish-We’d-Missed Connections are real and one is false. Can you guess which one is false?

We’ll reveal the truth on Friday in The End is Near Mashup.

While you’re waiting with bated breath to find out which creep you don’t have to worry about running into, check out some Craig’s List Missed Connections over at Jenny Henson’s More Cowbell and Natalie Hartford’s Life Out Loud.

What are some connections you wish you had missed?

*   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *

Piper Bayard is a recovering attorney with a university degree or two and a belly dancer from way back. She currently pens post-apocalyptic sci-fi and spy novels with Holmes when she isn’t shooting, SCUBA diving, or chauffeuring her children.

 ‘Jay Holmes’, is an intelligence veteran of the Cold War and remains an anonymous member of the intelligence community. Piper is the public face of their partnership.

© 2012 Piper Bayard. All content on this page is protected by copyright. If you would like to use any part of this, please contact us at the above links to request permission.

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39 comments on “Our Wish-We’d-Missed Connections

  1. STELLAR!! I was laughing out loud at your wish-we’d-missed connections. Fabulous. Can’t wait to see which one is fake…and I feel sorry for you both for the 3 that are real…ewww! :-)

    Thank YOU for the FAB shout out and for joining in on the fun!! LOL!!!

    Here’s my Wish-I’d-Missed Connection….

    Our paths crossed when we were mashed together in standing-room-only at the jazz festival. We were rocking out to the Derek Truck’s band. What incredible music. Wow. At first, you weren’t pressed up too closely. A respectful distance that I appreciated. I had my credit card and debit card in my back pockets and after a couple “flicks” against my butt, I worried you were trying to pick my pocket. I put my hands back there to deflect any sly attempts. We continued to bob and weave to the music. You kept bumping into me. It was weird. Awkward. It started to feel….intentional….I had a few drinks and didn’t clue in right away. Turns out you were using my hands to jack yourself off. When the light bulb went off, I stifled down the vomit and turned with raised fists, shoved you deep into the crowd while hissing at you like a cat. Sick bastard! Come near me again douche bag and I’ll make Tanya Harding and her crew of knee-bashing beasts look like child’s play.

    • J Holmes says:

      Hi Natalie. I hope that never happens to you (or any woman) again but carry an innocent looking nail file just in case. If a guy is doing that in a crowd of people, we don’t want him contributing to the gene pool so a little well-placed damage to his reproductive equipment would be a big favor to society.

  2. Wonderful stuff! I wish I’d missed meeting all my ex-boyfriends, because now all of them seem to be stuck in loveless relationships and want me back.
    “Now that all of you are older and wiser and think with organs which are actually designed to think, think only this of me: I am the Other Woman. I am the one who’ll cause you sleepless nights pondering the meaning of T.S. Eliot and why the toilet paper conundrum will never be fully solved. I will be your elusive muse, the figment of your imagination, the shadow who lurks beyond your periphery. I’ll also be as hard to find as a left-handed practice bat. I hope you’re happy because I’m slowly turning into a Library Cat Lady. If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”

  3. DorianTB says:

    Piper and Jay, I was laughing and cringing at your Wish-We’d-Missed Connections, and I assure you I meant that as a compliment! :-) One of my most memorable examples happened when I was about 12 or 13. My parents and I enjoyed action movies, and that day, we were seeing the James Caan thriller THE KILLER ELITE (dating myself, I know :-)). As the film progressed, there seemed to be a problem with my seat: I could swear I could feel someone’s hands groping me from behind! I whispered to my mom that I wanted to change seats, and when I explained why, Mom bolted upright, turned to the creep (not even bothering to give my dad a heads-up, so to speak; he seemed to be surprised himself), and smashed him in the head over and over with her always-heavy handbag, cursing him out. It was awesome, from a heroism standpoint. The creep barely made it out alive. Don’t you love a happy ending? :-)

      • DorianTB says:

        Thanks, Jennifer — my mom was awesome indeed! Nobody messed with Jacqueline Cherry Kehoe (Mom’s name), a friend to all who needed friends, and an able foe to to anyone who tried to harm others physically or emotionally. We’re raising our daughter pretty much the same way as my smart, strong, yet lovable mom. Beware, creeps! :-)

    • J Holmes says:

      Hi Dorian. Your mom is awesome. Please convey to her my respect. I had a similar experience when I was in kindergarten. A young adult male butt-grabbed my my very pretty oldest sister. By the time the cops showed up he was in bad shape. The cops arrested him. The stupid creep would have been better off grabbing an alligator’s tonsils.

      • DorianTB says:

        Holmes, thanks for your praise! Although my dear mom is no longer with us (she passed away in 2009 at the age of 82, bless her), her wit, courage, and no-BS attitude toward jerks and creeps was and is legendary in our family, and our smart and stalwart daughter is definitely taking after her Grandma Jackie! :-)

  4. kimterry says:

    Loved this entry! :-)))

  5. Too funny! I know my vote was more a hope this (Roman “Holiday”) didn’t happen, than a real vote! I once got groped in the French Quarter and asked the hubs, why he wasn’t protecting my backside. His answer, “I was protecting my own!” LOL!

  6. Kitt Crescendo says:

    Cracked me up!

  7. tomwisk says:

    LMAO. They were hilarious. The Virtual Reality Cyber Masher was really funny, in a creepy way. I can see you and Holmes sitting at the keyboard trying to outdo each other with info for the creep.

  8. Susan Spann says:

    This is hilarious. Piper, you and Holmes have outdone yourselves. Boy, do I have a list of wish-I’d-missed – but it’s nowhere near as funny as yours!!

    • J Holmes says:

      Hi Susan. If people are being outrageously offensive in public then I think that the rest of us have a moral obligation and a civic duty to call them on it in some way. I’d say you would be doing them a favor by kindly providing them with a learning opportunity free of charge that a therapist would charge them thousands of dollars for.

      I hope that in the future you’ll fully embrace your humanitarian instincts by enlightening a few of the social pariahs that stagger across your path. A “Taser” or an innocent looking cane can help make your efforts at enlightening them a little easier.

      As it turns out we owe you a professional favor so let us know if you run into a stubborn case where a “Taser” won’t suffice.

  9. Oh, Piper, you made me laugh! (And cringe in sympathy.) Thanks for a great mid-day study break.

  10. Fantastic! One of my most favorite posts of yours ever! And THAT is saying something.

    I once met a guy in the frozen foods section. You know, because he was lying down on top of the frozen foods. It was summer, very hot, and apparently, he was no stranger to the grocery store workers who appeared unfazed when I complained about the guy cooling off atop the frozen peas who tried to grope me. Yeah, I’d like to never see that guy again. I refused to buy frozen from that display for weeks. So icky.

    • J Holmes says:

      Hi Renee. A guy lying on the frozen foods and groping women is pretty outrageous. The fact that the store staff thought so little of you and the other customers and just ignored a felon in their establishment was even more disgusting than the obnoxious groper. He may have been mentally ill. Well, come to think of it in some sense he definitely was. He needed intervention by the police.

  11. Outstanding! Love it.

    I was working my usual Friday night waitressing job at Pizza Hut. A cute, bouncy 16-year-old at the time when Mr. 36-year-old creep tried to make the moves on me after the dinner rush. He slithered over to my register to make the case of why we should go out in his Porsche 911. Sick bastard. I looked up at the unshaven man old enough to be my dad and point-blank responded, “I’m only 16. Gross.”

  12. J Holmes says:

    Hi Kristal. As a man I am always embarrassed to see a y chromosome holding predator (hardly a “man”) treating young ladies that way. How does anyone make it to age thirty without getting shot or beaten silly when they are so lacking in self control and self respect?

    I salute you for standing up to that criminal. All the adult males within ear shot should have laughed loudly at him.

  13. susielindau says:

    These are all hilarious….

  14. I have met grocery store stalkers. I can totally believe number 2 is legit.

  15. Debra Eve says:

    There’s a 300-pound guy who rides down Santa Monica Boulevard in a tutu and g-string every day at the same time. Unfortunately, there’s no missing him if you take the 4 pm bus. Hilarious, guys!

  16. OMG! You were the one with the hot avatar and an extra set of body parts. Damn, and I was getting so interested :(

    Good laugh guys!

    Cheers

  17. Laugh-out-loud hilarious! :D

  18. [...] we wrote up our Wish-We’d-Missed Connections and asked you which one you thought was false. Forty-six percent of you voted for the “Creep [...]

  19. [...] Bayard and Jay Holmes post on tactical bacon gone wild. Then they joined Jenny and I in a little wish-we’d-missed connection fun! A [...]

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