There’s been a great deal in the news this week about the waylaying of another Al-Qaeda underwear bomber. To be clear, this was an intelligence operation. Neither the Department of Homeland
Surveillance Security nor the TSA had any part in it. Former DHS Director Michael Chertoff’s scanners where nowhere to be found, nor were any latex-gloved TSA agents. And even if those shocking and shockingly expensive strip-scanners had been on hand, so to speak, they can’t tell balls from bombs to have caught this, anyway.
Nevertheless, the DHS and the TSA are already using this incident to further justify irradiating and molesting American citizens in airports, on highways, and in bus terminals.
Our advice to you? As Holmes says, “Avoid the radiation by all means. We shouldn’t be irradiating our citizens. Situations like this make me long for the good old Cold War. At least back then, the government knew who we were supposed to irradiate, and we weren’t planning to offer those SOB’s any patdown options.”
We realize this subject causes great stress for many travelers, and our entire goal is to
sell books alleviate your stress. So not long ago, we spent the better part of our evening sipping 10-yr-old Guinda* (recently smuggled in from Spain) and discussing some creative methods of reducing your stress and lightening up the summer travel season for you and all of your fellow travelers. Along with discussing other grave matters of national security, of course.
We want to extend our stress relief to TSA employees, as well. After all, except for the child molesters and other perverts among their ranks, they are mostly people who are just as beleaguered by their duty to grab your crotch as you are. Also, how would you feel if your boss was Janet Napolitano, the suspected calorically-enhanced twin sister of Janet Reno? We’re offering these suggestions to help you make your TSA Patdown fun for you and memorable for your TSA agent. Let’s fill America’s airports with laughter and joy this summer. It’s win/win.
We’re offering these suggestions to help make your TSA patdown fun for you and memorable for your agent:
1. Pretend you don’t speak English. Whatever translator they bring you, pretend you don’t speak that language, either.
2. If you’re traveling with a church group, you should all simultaneously cry out, “Hallelujah, the rapture is coming!” and start speaking in tongues.
3. Let yourself relax and enjoy it. In fact, moan loudly with pleasure. After all, lots of folks enjoy a good groping, and your TSA agents are hard at work looking for all of your security sweet spots. Be sure to cry out with passion to let your TSA agents know how much you appreciate their security technique. When it’s all done, compliment them, and if it’s your first time, let them know it was everything you dreamed of. Meg Ryan gives us a great example for the TSA encounter.
4. Educate your TSA agent to the benefits of becoming an Amway salesman and refuse to move on until you have finished with your sales pitch.
5. If you are a melanin-gifted traveler, and you’re being groped by a melanin-challenged TSA agent, burst out singing Perry Como’s “I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas” with the broadest smile you can muster. (We recommend against any rap songs about killing authority figures.)
6. Tell your TSA agent that if her groping inspires an out-of-body experience, you will reward her with a kiss and a phone call on the morrow.
7. For men, wear a kilt with no underwear. When they get to your genitals, have a bouquet of flowers pop out of your cod purse playing Bad Romance by Lady Gaga. Then, in your best Mike Myers Scottish accent, exclaim, “Ah, Laddie, ye give such good grroope!”
If the TSA fails to offer you a complimentary groping and attempts to re-route you through a metal detector, remind them loudly that you paid full fare for this ticket, and you are every bit as entitled to a groping as any other traveler would be. And don’t worry. If you are a virgin, you will still be a virgin when they are finished. But if they offer the free cavity search, definitely turn them down.
Let’s fill America’s airports with laughter, song, and joy this summer travel season. It’s win/win. And remember, you’re in good hands with TSA.
All the best to all of you for avoiding all unwanted gropings.
Piper Bayard—The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse, and
Holmes—Student of Sex, C4, and Hollow Points
*Guinda is a traditional Spanish drink made from cherries. It will give you a serious case of the warm-fuzzies.