Dismayed by the choices I’m being offered in the way of presidential candidates, I decided to run for President of the United States. (Ok. I’ll Do It. I’ll Run for President.) Kristen Lamb, my editor/mentor/friend, is my Space Saving Vice Presidential Running Mate.
Disgusted with the campaign finance shenanigans of our competitors, we are running a penniless campaign in the hopes that our presidential bid will go viral and get us to the White House, relying solely on fellow bloggers, tweeters, and folks on Facebook. It got Betty White to SNL, right? So why not us?
Today, we are honored to visit university professor, author, and heckuva nice guy Clay Morgan at his blog. Clay asked us how we would bring about peace in the Middle East so I thought it was a good time to run this refresher on my front line plan to end jihad.
Middle Eastern countries have waaaay more men than women. As you may be aware, there are only three sentences to the Happy Man Manual. 1) Feed me. 2) Feed my ego. 3) Feed my libido. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this gender disparity in the Middle East is no recipe for happy men. And what else are all of those rutting young bucks going to do if not go all jihad on someone?
It so happens I have the answer to that problem.
Latin American countries have waaay too many women. Mexico, Ecuador, and El Salvador, to name a few. The answer is obvious. Men need women, and women need men. Therefore, we should recruit Latino women to marry Middle Eastern Men.
This calls for a list.
Top Ten Reasons for the West to recruit Latino Women to marry Middle Eastern men:
10. Latin America is the Chill Out Tourist Mecca.
Mecca meets Mecca. Who better to teach jihadis to chill?
9. Every Arab’s Rolls Royce calls out for fuzzy dice and hydraulic brakes.
Picture it. Cheech and Chong have their way with the sheiks’ stables of automobiles. Cool.
8. No more dull, brown bhurkas.
What could Eva Mendes and Sophia Vergara do with that fashion statement?
Fashion Bhurkas
7. Latino women do everything other women do, and they do it in 4 inch heels.
That’s the kind of heap-big mojo that would bring jihidis to their knees.
6. Kick-ass cooking.
Green chili falafel with goat tamales in red sauce. Yum!
5. Camel piñatas
Let’s give these boys a healthy outlet for their violent tendencies.
4. Great soap operas
Juanita Jamila, la Habibi de la Hafla
Juanita Jamila: “Por favor, Señor Achmed! You promised you would have the chick peas today! If I cannot make my special salsa for the hafla tonight, my evil landlord will kick my family out in the street! We will be homeless! Aaahhhiiiiii!”
Juanita Jamila wails and crumbles to the ground, dissolving into tears. The handsome Jose Abdul rushes to her side.
Jose Abdul: “Juanita Jamila! My beautiful desert flower! I will save you! I will run your landlord out of town on a rabid camel, and your father will then allow us to marry!”
3. No Middle Eastern guy named Jesus ever bombed anyone.
2. Pictures of prophets in Latino culture inspire peace, not death threats.
1. What do you get when you cross Latino culture with Middle Eastern culture?
Shakira.
Need I say more?
Hop on our virtual bus with us and let’s head on over to Clay’s blog where we discuss the importance of The Bachelor to world peace, and how we will have Clay, our Secretary of Education, revamp the Department of Education to actually provide some form of education. Who I’m Voting for in 2012
If you would like to host a Bayard/Lamb 2012 Campaign Blog Tour stop at your blog, please email Piper at piperbayard@yahoo.com. We would love to come visit you. Thank you for your support.
What other positive aspects of Latino culture or any other culture do you think would be a positive influence on jihadis?
All the best to all of you for a week of laughter in the face of darkness.
Piper Bayard—The Pale Writer of the Apocalypse
the marketing dept on madison avenue for the association for the advancement of goat reputations are working with the int’l goat society on a rebuttal campaign already. one of the first proofs has just come over my desk: “Eat more Cous Cous” …
they don’t want the latino brides perfecting the goat tomale
i tweet at @samuel_clemons
Lol. I can picture the billboards, now. I’ll bet those goats are getting nervous. Good to see you, Sammy.
I love Shakira I think this is a wonderful plan! Also many Latino woman want to marry early and have big families- another plus. Not sure how we’ll blend Catholicism with Muslim, but the wild sexy and fun soap opera should help.
I’ve given that question of blending a bit of thought, but I will refrain from speculation beyond three words. Cinco de Mecca. Thanks for stopping by.
It would be a travesty to combine Shakira and a fashion burqa, the rest sounds pretty good.
Lol. Spoken like a man.
Fabtastic! And we all know the women under the burka’s have serious style. Have you ever been to Harrod’s and watched those ladies shop?! I’m sure they’d love a little vida loca on the burka. In fact, that could be the name of the line: Burka Loca.
Heading over to Clay’s. Good stuff, Piper!
I love that. Burka Loca. Available at Nordstrom’s, Dillard’s, Saks Fifth Avenue, and El Mercado. Thanks for your support.
It’s straightforward but brilliant: Just the approach we need from our country’s leaders. Love it!
Thank you for your support, Julie.
Shakira and Sofia Vergara are both from my country of birth. Colombia, named after Cristobal Colon (the Spanish name for Christopher Columbus) which is why it is Colombia and NOT Columbia. — Just throwing it out there. I gotta represent!! I can’t wait until there is a statue of Our Lady of Guadalupe in every mud hut!!!!!
Lol. Seriously. It just doesn’t get better than those Colombian ladies. I first saw Shakira about a decade ago when my hubby and I were flipping through late night channels. She was performing at the Miss Colombia pageant. As a belly dancer, I had instant appreciation for the way she effectively incorporates the dance into her performance. She’s been one of my favorites ever since. Thanks for your comment, Lili.
Great plan! If this ever does go viral, I’d love to see the reactions oooh!
Lol. Should be interesting. Good to see you, Catherine.
Not only should you be on SNL, you should be writing for them! Hilarious stuff … and, yet, somehow it all makes such good sense!
Lol. I would love to write for SNL, except for the fact that I would have to live in NY. While it would give me the chance to go to Yankees games, I would not otherwise make a very good city girl. Thanks for the compliment, Patricia, and thanks for stopping by.
Eww, goat tamales. There’s a reason why these two cultures don’t normally intersect. ROFL over the soap opera dialogue, Piper!
Lol. I actually love goat. I’m hoping one of the folks who sells tamales on the street corners around here will see this blog and start making them. Good to see you, Kathy.
If we allow Latinas to marry the Near East men plural marriage will bring any terrorist ideas to a screeching halt. How is he gonna jihad when five of his seven wives team up with a daily Telanovella. Anyway hallal cooking needs chiles.
I know it sounds kind of quirky at first, but I think this can work, for sure.
Thanks for stopping by, Tom.
I love the furry burka…is that mink? Anyway, I would seriously consider wearing that on days here that are below 20 degrees!!
They would be useful for those cold days, for sure. And it wouldn’t hurt to have a few at the door of WalMart for the folks who want to be on the People of WalMart website. Good to see you, Malia.
[...] In an interview at EduClaytion with ClayMorgan, Piper Bayard explains “How Latinas Can End Jihad.” [...]